Hi all,
Well its been a year since my WW gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. I was devestated as you can all imagine. WW claimed she had not been happy in years and all the usual rubbish. She moved out straight away claiming it had nothing to do with the A and she needed ti 'miss' me. I did all the pathetic things like begging and pleading until I found MB in september. I statrted a proper Plan A which lasted until christmas.
I then went to Plan B which wasn't as dark as it should have been although it did work. It didn't work in so far as saving my M, but it worked in getting me to place where I can say that I'm truly happy. I received great advice on this board and without it I'd hate to think of what state I'd be in today.
I want to tell all of you to do a SHORT but effective Plan A and then switch to Plan B. Looking back if I'd not been so scared and implemented Plan B earlier things may have been different today. I can remember my WW moving into her new appartment and me ignoring her for 1 day. She was contacting me every few minutes and then called up crying saying she wanted to work things out. I was overjoyed and went back to being her 'doormat'. She succeeded in manipulating me back into being her friend who helped and cared for her while she continued her A and lied about it. In effect I ENABLED her to do this.
Her A ended when OM went back to his W but WW continued to contact him and beg him to leave his family. Finally at christmas OM broke all contact. Since then she has moved to OM#2.
The reason I say to get into Plan B ASAP is that otherwise you will lose all love and respect for your WW just as I have. I'm at a place now where I feel totally indifferent towards her. When I think of her at all, all I feel is a little pity. She has ruined her life although she still refuses to acknowledge this. She has lost all her friends who are sick of her constant lying, manipulation and using.
As a friend of mine said, Plan B will either work of it WILL WORK! All of you BS, you did not cause this nor ask for it. Show your WS how good life could be if they choose the M and if not go very dark. You need to get away from them to regain your confidence and self-respect. You must get off the rollocoaster.
JL wrote to me a few months ago and I hope he doesn't mind if I include his post here. Things have a funny way of working out for the better. If you don't save your M then you have not lost everything. Steve Harley told me that if I expected that my WW feelings could change then I had to believe that mine COULD change. And they did. Plan B is what changed them. Get back to who you ARE.
I am happier now than ever. My divorce will be final in a few weeks and I've met the most amazing woman. We deserve better that our toxic WS. We did not choose this. Our conscience is clear whw have no guilt. We did everything to try and rebuild our M.
Here is JL's post I hope it helps you all. And please remember what ever happens THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Good luck
MFIL,
You asked me for comments and I am sitting here trying to remember all I have read about your situation. You two have a child together, who has custody of the child?
Have you given an thought to separation, I mean legal separation?
At your age my inclination would be to say "goodbye" to her, but with a child that is never easy nor prudent.
Given that her family supports her having an affair, you two are still married right, I would like to suggest to you that the fruit has not fallen far from the tree.
I really don't know what to say to you, but I will offer you what your life looks like from someone almost twice your age.
From my end of the telescope you are a young MAN. Turning 30 is about where I think most people start to be really adults.
If you live to be my age and the stats say you have a high probability of doing so, your child will be what...older than you. You will have worked for over 30 years from where you are now. You will work at least another 5-10 years, statistically, assuming you don't hit the lottery or you don't become the CEO of a big corporation.
You will have roughly another 30 years to live when you hit my age.
Why am I telling you all of this? I want you to gain some perspective. I want you to realize that if you divorced right now and did not remarry until you were 40, that you can still be looking at 50 more years of marriage. If you are going to be married that long, you need to have chosen wisely. You will need support, guidance, love, and kindness from your spouse, and she will need the same from you. You will need to find an inner peace with her, and for these things Viagra does not help. You will need to find comfort with her. Your child should like/love and respect her, although she is not her mother.
Your W caused this marriage to end. Given the requirements that I have set forth for a W that you will live with for roughly 50 years, does your W meet those requirements? I don't think so.
She is in her 30's and what you see is what you get at this point. Oh she may mature some, she may actually experience what you have experienced and realize what she has done, but it will be too late.
MFIL, you need to start to look long term at your life, your goals, your talents and start to make plans. If your W comes back into your life in time, fine. If not, count yourself blessed. Blessed not becuase the marriage failed but blessed that you have time to really have a great life. You my friend have a future. Plan for it.
In my 20's, I was engaged to the "love of my life", she cheated on me, wanted the party life, and we became "disengaged". A few years later, she was murdered by one of her boyfriends. Meanwhile, I am in my 60's have a wonderful W, 3 kids, and many friends. I still think of my fiance from time to time, and I grieve for her parents if they are still alive, but I know they were devastated by what happened to their daughter. They were very good people. Could we have had a good life? I would like to think so, but looking back I don't think my life could have been as it has turned out. She had many qualities that I loved, but she did not have the qualities that I needed to pursue my life and have a family.
What happened to me then is part of why I stay on this post, and the other part...I realize I have been blessed in many ways in my life, and it gives me great pleasure to help other people although it is very little.
MFIL, I don't know what your future is. I cannot tell you what the "right" thing to do is, given that you, your W, all of us have free will. But, I can tell you that you not her may be the lucky one right now. I like your chances far better than I like your W's. Why? Your heart is in the right place, you value important things.
My suggestion...take a chance on life and be the best person you can be.
I know I haven't helped you with your problem, but I hope that some day you can look back and say "Yup Ole JL, put his money on the right horse." That horse would be you.
God Bless,
JL
PS: Your situation is not unique, it is just that the search function doesn't seem to work well and I don't remember all of the names. I do think that more than a few posters here have had their spouse move from one OP to another. And you are wrong about OM#2. Your W is still married and he is not helping your marriage.
Last edited by myfamilyilove; 06/02/08 05:01 AM. Reason: to include JL's post
