Hi all.
I am finishing up a crisis intervention class I have been taking to finish up my degree. In it, I found some information that I think will be helpful to all of us who have gone through any kind of crisis, but especially the infidelity one.

I thought it would be especially helpful to newbies here with kids. We always wonder what we should tell them, how we should act, etc. When we are hit with the news of infidelity we are in crisis mode. When our kids are hit with the news of it, of separation, of divorce, they are in crisis mode as well.
I hope this helps someone here.

So, here goes:

29 STEPS FOR HANDLING FAMILY CRISIS (from the book "Elements of Crisis Intervention" by Greenstone and Leviton

1.Pull together as a family by establishing a sense of purpose
2.Allow your feelings to be whatever they are and avoid berating yourself or discounting your feelings or those of your children
3.Let your children talk with you about their fears, concerns, confusion, anger, sadness, and problems.
4.Talk in words your children can understand. Avoid euphemisms.
5.Allow your children to see your grief, and be honest with them about your feelings. Avoid as much gore as possible in your expressions.
6.Don't expect your children to resolve your grief.
7.Reassure children that they are safe and will be taken care of.
8.Don't be afraid to say that you do not know the answers to your children's questions. Your honesty may make it easier for them to tolerate the ambiguity in their own minds.
9.Remember that children often take their lead for their own behavior from their parents. Children will watch and learn how you handle crises.
10.Children will look to you for structure, guidance, limits, and support. Give these things to them.
11.Ask your children what they need from you. Maybe they need a hug, time to talk, play time with you, or straight talk. Children of different ages will need different things at different times. Adapt your actions to your children's ages and levels of maturity.
12.Identify areas of concern in your life over which you have control and exercise that control.
13.Have realistic expectations of yourself and your children to minimize stress
14.Be realistic about each child's role in the family.
15.Continue projects that you have already begun
16.Create a routine for yourself and stick with it
17.Maintain your personal hygiene and health
18.Plan outings and activities with friends. This mutual support can be helpful.
19.Set boundaries with your children. Hear their feelings, and understand the behavior that might result from these feelings. Establish limits to provide stability, structure, and continuity. Don't overdue it by being too strict or too lenient.
20.Observe changes in your children's behavior, attitudes, and expressions. Pay attention to both verbal and nonverbal behavior. Be prepared to respond as appropriate.
21.Use support groups as necessary for you children and for yourself. Participate separately or together with your children, as appropriate.
22.Obtain professional help for yourself and you children as needed. Sometimes counseling in conjunction with support groups offers maximum benefit.
23.Find something to laugh about every day. Use laughter as a stress manager and reducer.
24.Walk or exercise regularly, and include sufficient rest and relaxation in your schedule.
25.Both for yourself and your children, maintain the continuity of the familiar. This includes schedules, school attendance, friendships, tv programs, and regular activities.
26.Listen
27.Hear
28.Respond
29.Don't lecture.

HOW PARENTS CAN HELP THEIR CHILDREN COPE WITH CRISIS RELATED FEELINGS:

1. Talk with your child, provide simple, accurate answers to questions.
2. Talk with your child about your own feelings.
3. Listen to what your child says and how your child says it. Does the child display fear, anxiety, or insecurity? Repeating your child's words can be very helpful. Use phrases such as "You are afraid that...." or "You wonder if...." This helps both you and the child clarify feelings.
4. Reassure your child. For example: tell your child, "We are together. I care about you, and I will take care of you."
5. You may need to repeat information and reassurances to your child many times. Do not stop responding just because you told the child something once.
6. Hold your child. Provide comfort. Touching is important for children during crises.
7. Spend extra time putting your child to bed. Talk and offer reassurance. Leave a night light on if necessary.
8. Observe your child at play. Listen to what your child says,and watch how your child plays. Frequently, children express feelings of fear or anger while playing with dolls, toy trucks, or friends.
9. Provide play experiences to relieve tension. Work with Playdoh, paint pictures, play in water, and the like. If children display a need to hit or kick, give them something safe, such as a pillow or a ball.
10. If your child has an especially meaningful toy or blanket, allow the child to rely on it somewhat more than usual.
11. If you need professional assistance, seek it early to maximize its benefits.

mlhb

Thanks this is VERY TIMELY ADVICE for our family right now.

You're welcome.
I was truly hoping it would help someone.

mlhb

bumping

Thanks for the post.

I have always told my children the truth and we often talk about how they feel and how I feel and I have given them a book so they can draw pictures and write down their feelings when they are with my WW and OM. Reading your lists confirms that I have been doing everything right.

I have to say before my WW affair I didn't always see my boys as I worked quite a lot, but now I have them half the week and they often tell me how much they love me, which was something they may have said in the past without much feeling. This weekend we were at the cinema and we went to a fun park and on both days with lots of people around they would say openly and sometimes quite loudly(not a good thing in the cinema) how much they loved me.

THAT IS WHAT MAKES ME PROUD TO BE THEIR FATHER.

Thanks again for your post
HAF

glad to hear you have been doing all of the right things!

good for you

mlhb