I'm in the Army and I'm deployed and my wife is cheating on me. She said that it was a one time thing but she doesn't know what she wants right now. to top it all off she is still seeing and talking to the guy that she sleeped with. What can I do or say?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm so glad you have found us.

And thanks for serving our country and all the sacrifices you are making. It is deeply appreciated.

The best thing for you to do right now is to expose the affair to your wife's friends and family. You can also contact the other man's family and let them know that while you are serving our country, he is committing adultery with your wife.

You need to let your wife that any contact with him is very hurtful, and to please stop having contact. She probably will refuse, saying they are "friends".

How long have you been married, and do you have any children?

How did you find out?

If I expose the affair to my wife's friends and family and contact the other man's family and let them know that while you are serving our country, he is committing adultery with your wife, don't you think she will get mad and leave me for him?

How do I tell her to stop seeing this guy, she did say they were friends.

We will be married for five years in December, and we have a three year old son.

I called her and she told me.

Is she living on a base?

Is he in the military too?

We have a few excellent military MBers here who will chime in soon.

Can you edit your thread title to include a reference to the military to help flag those folks in?

I'm national Guard and she isn't in the military. How do I change my thread title. Also I have to call her soon, she asked me yesterday to talk.

To edit, go to your first post, hit edit and change the title.

Yes, of course your wife will be angry when you expose her trashy secret. But then, they all are. Affairs thrive in darkness and secrecy. Shedding a little light on them often ends them.

Your marriage can survive her anger, but an affair can cause a divorce.

She is somewhat unusual because most wayward spouses won't tell.

When she talks to you, let her know that you are sorry your marriage got to this stage, you love her, and want to continue to be married. Tell her that she needs to go no contact with her "friend", that you insist on it, and she owes it to her son. Don't argue or beg. Be strong, and tell her that you married her for life and will not get a divorce, that the OM needs to be GONE.

She told me because she said that she loves me and didn't mean to hurt me, and I love her so much and I don't want to do anything to make her change her mind about waiting until I get home in a few weeks, to discus what we are going to do.

The guy works at a place where everyone that we know goes and I can't tell her to stop going there can I? If I do that won't I just be pushing her toward leaving me? She told me that she wasn't going to see him any where else but there.

Also this guy didn't really know what was going on between me and her and is going through a divorce right now because of it. He swears that he didn't mean to do any of this and that he what do anything else to jeopardize my wife's and my marriage. Can I believe this guy? He did come out and say that he did it after I asked him and I should give him a little credit for that right?

I JUST REGISTERED TO THIS SITE AND I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO POST QUESTIONS SO THAT THEY CAN BE ANSWERED BY THE DOCTOR AND OTHER PEOPLE, CAN U TELL ME?

I too just registered yesterday so I really don't know, but if you what you can ask me. What's going on?

*edit*

Please email me and I will explain.

thanks you.

c00per

armyeod,

I'm a former AF Captain. I use to fly planes. My exww cheated on me while I was deployed.

Listen. You must do things people on this board guide you to do. What you must do is counter intuitive. You cannot be afraid of your wife. Fear will lead you to appeasement. Appeasement will lead you to divorce.

You cannot save your marriage by being wishy washy, "oh, honey, you cheated on me and I don't want to hurt you so I won't get mad about what you did or tell anyone."

Here's the reality: You must tell everyone. Exposure is the first step to ending it. She will get mad. She will rage. She will tell you that you ruined everything and that she can never trust you again (that should be met with an eye roll after what she did) and that your marriage once had a chance but is now over.

I can guarantee with near certainty that this is what will happen.

So you must follow a very specific plan. The most important part of this is to be a man. Man up is advice you're going to get from a lot of BHes (betrayed husbands) like me on this forum.

Manning up doesn't mean you're mean. Think James Bond. Think Bruce Lee. They were very cool guys who don't lose their cool and are calm and gentle, yet they act when necessary.

You're in the Army. You are in EOD. You have giant ba**s to do what you do. Yet, like many men dealing with a ww (wayward wife) they tend to shrink up and you lose all your testosterone and become a doormat.

What you need to do will feel very unnatural and counter intuitive.

You MUST tell everyone. Start with her family. Then yours. Then your friends.

Call his work and talk to his boss and tell him.

If he's in the Army, call his commander and tell him.

Exposure will start the end of the affair.

Even if it was just a "one night" deal, you must expose.

Trust me. I'm a former military man giving you this advice in hind sight. I would have likely saved my marriage if I had followed MB advice and not been a doormat like I became.

You MUST expose if you want to save your marriage. Expect her to react as I described. It's called fog babble.

She will rewrite the history of your marriage and paint you to be a bad guy and focus on all your negatives.

You can't believe anything she says and half of what you see.

When do you come home?

I can't emphasize to you enough that you need to follow the advice on this forum.

There are many stories here just like yours. They are scary in how common they are and how similar they are. Trust me please. I came home from a deployment to find out what you're learning while you're gone.

Any kids?

****edit***

Michelle,

Look for the words "New thread" on the General Questions page, click on it and begin your own thread.

Also, please don't use all capital letters.

You can tell her not to go there again. Tell her you want to save your M, and you can't do that if there is OM in it.


No.


He slept w/ your W. And he wants credit for admitting it to you?

Wow


Will he swear to stay away from your W now?

I wouldn't trust him if he DID swear that he wouldn't do anything else. You already know tht he is not an honorable man, or he wouldn't have gotten involved with a married woman whose husband is deployed. Really, that is just the lowest of the low.

Expose the affair to everyone, and let your wife know that the place where she sees him is no off limits.

Expose - especially to OM's boss - hitting on the patrons is not a good thing for an employer - it tends to cause drama that detracts from what the business owner is looking to create in his place of business.

Army,

First thing I who recommend is begin reading the material linked from the front page of this site.

Soak it in, It will answer alot of questions as to why exposure is so important, Why "NC" No Contact is a must, etc...

Then come back and begin your planning.

-JKT