keepitreal

ok, i am anonymous and i do think it relevent.

This has come out slowly over 20 years that she didn't have only 2 other guys before me, it was more like 9 (that she's told me about.) All these were before she was 18. 1 was when she was on a boat and went below to get a soft drink and her friends FATHER sitting on the couch started rubbing her rear end through her bathing suit. She ended up having s** with him on the couch (she 16, he prob 40) and the daughter came down stairs and caught them but WW says she couldn't stop.

Several were 1 night stands including 1 guy on a chair in a room full of supposedly sleeping teenagers, "because he really wanted to."

And this, several experiences with other girls, 1 of which included the girls brother, who caught them and joined in with WW while sister, well whatever.

I prob should have know this when she spent the night on our first date and slept with me, and when I awoke in the AM she had me in her mouth.

She was voracious in this regard. After we split up it was about 5 other guys that she's told me about, including several youger fraternity brothers of mine and a couple of 1 night stands.

Here's the interesting thing. I told my IC all of this including the story of how she dated my friend to make me jealous. I will just relate this to you, please don't crash me, and no I'm not holding onto false hopes.

IC said, "I don't think your wife is actaully having A." She said, "I think she might have made up a lot of those stories. You've told me she is an extremely smart person, and very street smart. You told me how she got you back, she made you jealous and was willing to date and dump another person to do it. I think she is a manipulator and control freak (not her word, I just can't remember how she put it) and has to "win" at all costs and doesn't care what she has to do or who it hurts to do it. She knew you were hunting and yet she left her now tagless worn lingerie in the drawer? She feels you have abandoned her now by working in another city although she says she understands the need. Something is not right here."

I know IC is probably not going to agree WW having A without solid proof. It is interesting though that after years of making several hundred k a year, and now we go thru a rough patch (but still senior officer pay is pretty good) now is the time we decide to step out and say we need to separate.

Whew, I'm exhausted...

I think that you know you should have stay broken up w/ her back in college. But, you can't go backwards..

You might find that you don't want to stay married to her, SWW.

And you won't be able to begin to figure that out, until you find out what exactly is going on.

Focus on your children. Get in there and do what you can to stabilize your family. Do you have family near by who can visit them alot...check on them?

And try to gain whatever advantage you can, in case you have to fight for custody.

You're getting good advice SWW. Get back home and take care of your kids. You're right you can't stop her from doing what she's going to do, but don't make it any easier on her either!

You don't have to give her money for groceries, for example. Go shopping yourself, or have a trusted family member or friend help you out.

Find out the truth about the A. A PI is a great way to go, while he's at it, have him find out as much as he can about the OM. Then you will be able to formulate a game plan. For now, ignore WW, Plan A your W when you get a chance, document EVERYTHING as much as possible and start investing as much time as possible with your kids.

Prepare for the storm when you move home. Commit yourself to not taking the bait and getting into a fight with your WW. Tell her you're home because its your home and that's where you belong. If she wants to live apart from you, its her problem, not yours.

My WW was very abusive to me as well. The only way to know if you can or want to save this is to end the A. Maximum effort needs to be directed towards that goal once you know what you're dealing with.

Good luck!

I am terribly sorry. It sounds as if WW has major issues. If it weren't for the children, my opinion of what to do would come very easily. It sounds as if she has never had boundaries at all, which is a major character flaw.

Please call the Harleys and ask their expert advice.

Too bad you picked such a bad egg to marry and have kids with. Maybe you can mooooooove toward divorce slowly. Taking a step at a time, and documenting everything she does and says.

I think if you stay with this one you will have a life full of heartache. Why waste the rest of your precious life that way.

I wanted to add..I think your IC is a total idiot of she doesn't believe WW is having an affair. PLEASE find a new IC!

Marshmallow,

you are right, and your post gave me an incredible sense of peace. Finally, something I can control.

SWW,

Notice what Tyk said.... Ignore your WW....Plan A your W.

There is a difference. The Plan A acts are for your WIFE, not the Wayward one. Ignore all of her acting out.

My first thought on the groceries was buy them yourself online, but if she's not there to "accept" delivery, that won't work. If you are home every weekend, you can shop then and leave some "back up" money with a trusted friend or neighbor for the kids if they need it. Heck, give the kids an allowance that is just for them. Not sure if she would steal from them or take it out on them.

It is about to get really rough when you cut her off financially so get your ducts in a row, brace yourself and be ready. You don't want to rationalize with her and try to talk to the WW at all.

And I agree with keepitreal, your IC doesn't "get it". Maybe not alot of experience with infidelity.

Hang in there.

I will Tyk,

She really is abusive. I am not trying to absolve myself of any guilt, I wasn't always a wonderful husband, but a lot of this is my fault. NOT the A, but I have allowed her to treat me poorly for a long time.

I was always the one that loved her more I think and I think she took advantage of that. I worked so she didn't have to. I cooked most nights and brought her water in bed (filtered, chilled, no ice) and would rub her back and feet nearly every night for 30-45 minutes. I never minded, I liked doing things for her. I wasn't always perfect though, and boy did she remind me of it.

Several years ago, she told me one morning after we dropped our kids off at elem school that she had been invited to the Super Bowl, but she didn't think she was going. I said good. She asked why. And I said I didn't think it was appropriate for a 35 year old married woman to run off to Tampa and stay in a rented condo for a weekend with single men and women. She got outraged and shouted at me, "I NEED THIS; I DESERVE THIS!" and squeeled out of the parking lot. No answer on phone or any calls. I was so devastated i picked up the kids and went to my sister and brother in laws for the weekend. She called 1 time, Sat night around midnight from a bar in Ybor City. It was so loud we could make out about 1 in 3 words. When she came back Sunday she was all teary and sweet and apologized. Had sex with me every night for a week.

And what do I do??? Tell her it's ok, you did deserve a break etc. etc. What a pathetic joke I have been; why should she have any reson to think she could not control me. It's no wonder she doesn't respect me.

IC told me that since I have been standing up to her (which coincidentally is when this whole cycle started) and not buying her lies about where's she's been that it outrages her. She wants the "old me" back who doesn't question her and lets her do what she wants and punishes and berates when he dares to talk back. She thinks, "well he's gone too far this time and if he doesn't settle down and stop asking questions abuot A, I can just leave him."

keepitreal,

thanks, I have never set any boundaries for her and neither did her parents. She has always gotten whatever she wanted.

Her parents by the way lost all their money, Mom blamed everything on Dad. As they were going bankrupt Mom sold a piece of property for 130K (20 years ago) and blew it all on wedding for first daughter at the Ritz for 800 people.

Parent have been separated for 12-15 years, but not divorced. Still see each other frequently.

You are right Stellakat,

I worry, and so do close friends, that she will pretend to "see the light" come back and be all sweet and loving, but it will all be a ruse, and then soon go back to her old ways of abusive language, criticism etc. A never ending cycle.

I really wish I had a spouse that respected me and I respected. That could show a little love and affection. I'm not talking about a phony relationship where no on ever fights, just an occasional kind word would be nice. Something simple like "good job, you look nice today" things that I say frequently to WW.

I can't remember the last time in 20 years where she ever told me she loved me before I said it. And then usually a brisk, "love you too" and change topic quickly. She is a taker extraordinaire.

About the spending the rest of my life in this bad way, you know, I am not Brad Pitt, but I'm not horrible either. I am only 42, in good shape, and have a very good career. Maybe there is hope after all...

FWIW, I don't think your WW is having an A. I suspect that she is cheating, but not with any particular individual. I echo the suggestion made previously about hiring a PI and getting the truth.

I agree, too much partying going on for it to be one guy (or girl).

I agree princessmeggy and MIM,

I suspect it might be more than 1 guy or girl. Maybe this group of new friends are swingers, heck I don't know. Our community of friends is fairly small and I would think I might have heard the rumours, but maybe not, I am not known for being a person that would be interested in that. Not to be a prude, it's just not for me.

SWW,

I have been where you are. It lasted years and tears. It’s called married singles. Produced at least two known affairs, one lasting ten years.

My advice:

Document, document, document!

Journal and pictures as appropriate. Make sure you list the cold hard facts. It’s OK to put your feelings about the facts in your journal too, but make sure the facts are there in black and white and stand on their own when read by a third party. Keep this journal and the pictures well hidden.

Move back home ASAP. If it gets that far, judges declare abandonment if a spouse moves out for more than a few weeks (27 days in this state.) Makes it very difficult to get custody and spousal support if you are declared the abandoning spouse, no matter how much you come back and visit. So, if you want custody (and it goes this far) get back in the house now and let her move out if that’s what she wants to do. Your children must stay in their own home with you, the functioning parent, no matter what! (Note the exclamation point.)

Kill two birds with one stone and clean your house with your kids. Make it a family project, even if your WW will not join in. Homemade pizza and a DVD afterwards. Saves you mucho $ too.

With the saved $ call the MB counseling center!! (Two exclamation points.)

Call an attorney and get the straight and hard advice about legal separation in your state. Call more than one if you have to. Changing your financials like you already have may already be construed as abandonment if things go far enough. And I think they will, sorry.

With prayers,

eta: There are indications of drug or alcohol use here too.

Hello, SWW!

I am so sorry for what you are going through. As I read through this thread, something occured to me that I do not believe has been mentioned.

While several posted about the possibility that your WW was addicted to drugs, my thought is that she may be a sex addict. Her behavior is consistent with a neighbor of mine, who was highly promiscuous, but kept it hidden from her husband for many years. She had also been sexually abused as a child, and acting out in a sexual way was how she got her "fix."

I'm definitely not qualified to make any type of diagnosis, but I think it's something you may want to explore. I'm praying for you and your family, and wish you all the best.

Aphelion,

talked to atty friend last night. Our state is a "no fault" state, and since I am in the military and stationed out of state he said no "abandonment" issues, particularly since the kids stay with me whenever I come home. He did say I should stay home though if possible for their comfort unless it is a toxic environment.

WW called out of the blue last night. Was really sweet. Just wanted to talk. Told her I would be home next weekend. She said, "oh great, I have a debutatne party Friday night for a friends daughter, other than that nothing going on."

The party is one that Mr. and Mrs. SWW are hosting at great expense if I am not mistaken.

Hi Carlee,

I don't know either about a s** addiction. She is a very private person but seems to get very uncomfortable around and speaking about her father. I have no idea if there is anything there, just a nagging feeling.

Her sexual history though, I think is extreme. Having s** with your friends father while your friend watched because you say that you just couldn't stop at that point is totally something i cannot fathom. And how they maintained that friendship past that point even until today is also something I can't believe.

I think she needs a lot of IC, whether we ultimately stay together or not.

Aphelion,

Can you or anyone else give me some advice here. As I said talked to WW last night about party next weekend I think we are hosting.

Should I ask her about it or just let her go alone? If it is one we are supposed to be hosting, it's apparent she doesn't want me to go with her despite what the invitation says. If she lies and says it's not that night and it turns out she's lying again what more do I have?

Or, is this a good oportunity to talk to PI to snoop and I just stay quiet?

By "hosting" do you mean it is at your home? Or hosted elsewhere? Regardless, plan on showing up. Act as if you expected your presence was wanted and/or required.