9 months since i found out. plan a- good. plan- b notso good.
I think i cant do this anymore. ive already attempted suicide
and chickened out because of my six year old son. one meds, seeing a psych. I just feel soooo unloveable and old and worn out
and lonely. while he is out living it up and im dying and crying.
I dont know what my question is i guess im just venting. I told him today i wanted a divorce. I just cant do it anymore, but i ddont know how that will even help i guess i just thought it might scare him. he is too busy at the beach with ow while im home w/ my son-he is in the yard playing w his friends.

If you are feeling suicidal now, please get help immediately (911, er, friends, family, etc).

There is NO SHAME in the feelings you are having. We have all been there. Bottom line is, if you cannot handle this mess (and I am right there with you)...get a divorce and watch all the wonders that are brought into your life.

Your husband is the one that is doing this...you can be the one that calls an end to his game. Trust me when I tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I was in the same place as you once...I wouldn't trade my life for anything at this point...AND, my ex is now the one in despair...wanting something she can no longer have because my life is too good to let her back in.

YOU will be the next success story...take care of yourself and your child and worry not about the "man" that is cheating himself out of a life with you. You deserve and will have so much better!

thank you for your words of encouragement. you are very kind.
I guess i just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel throught all my tears. its been nine mos and I just dont feel
like i will ever get over it.

If you've done a good Plan A, time for a dark Plan B. What was the problem with your Plan B? The drugs and psychiatrist are good, but you need to make some changes before you completely lose all of your love for hubby.

Hang in there, donewit3, you CAN make it and you WILL make it. It will get better but it takes time. Sometimes it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but there is. Just remember that and keep on keeping on.

((((((((((donewit3))))))))))

Keep posting here, there are so many wonderful people that can help you through this!

no matter what her Plan A looked like...it is time for Plan D. The woman is obviously unable to cope with the issues at hand and it is time to remove her low life husband from her life so that she can find balance.
The Harley's plans and this marriage are not the important thing here...saving this woman's life...saving her child's mother is and should be the ONLY concern right now...IMHO.

I think you need to change ur focus to ur child, n that will help u to get thru this.
I am praying 4 u

MEDC is right as usual. Right now the effort needs to be on putting the oxygen mask on YOURSELF. Stick with us and we will help you through this. After D-day, I thought life would never be good again. But now I'm happier than before.

Agreed!

donewit3, being betrayed by the one person that you never concieve would do that is an extremely heavy trama. One does not " get over it," but rather we get" through it."

If you are feeling suicidal, get help immediately. Many of us have BTDT, we even have the tee shirts. Just think down the road how your child would feel knowing you bailed on him/her as well as "daddy."

Stick around here and you will get the help you need to get THROUGH this, not around it.

God has a plan for you and your life that you are not even aware of yet .

all blessings,
Jerry

sorry it took so long to get back to you. my plan b was bad because i just repeatedly kept trying to convince him how wrong he is, how they are both scumbags, i just couldnt keep my mouth shut. when i know he is with her i text him like crazy tellin him he is satan himself. I just cant take it when i know he is out with her.
my phsych. told me i was concentrating so much on my son that i have totally lost myself and that is not good for him. that is the only thing that saved me, my son, I would not be on this earth if it wasnt for him, I ran for help because i just felt like all the excruciating pain i was in i would just be dumping on my son if i went thru with it.
I have gained so much weight from the meds and instead of being mad at him i was punishing myself by shoving food in my face. so all this just brought my self esteem to an all time low.
ive been with this man for 18 years and my brain still cant wrap itself around the fact that he was so cruel to me and i trusted him with all my heart.

I understand your pain.

It sounds like you have some work to do in order to get yourself detached from the "man" you call your H. The bottom line is...NOTHING you do at this point can change his behavior. You can only change yours.

If I could show you the hundreds of people here that once they got that little fact...and the changes in their lives...you would sign up right away! Your life can literally be better tomorrow. Plan B him...by that I mean ZERO contact (so that you don't even know what he is doing) and at the same time, get yourself a mean, nasty female attorney and go after this guy big time.

I am only going to ask this question based on a hunch (I used to be a cop and I get hunches frequently!)...has your husband been abusive to you physically or emotionally over the years.

So, you have a plan to follow...the only question is...how bad do you want to change you life. Imagine a year from now...you are fit (because you are now going to eat well and exercise)...you are happy because you are no longer dealing with the cheater...you are proud of the woman in your mirror because she is a GREAT MOM and she seems to be settling into her new life quite nicely. Later on...when you start working your plan..you can give more thought and wonder about life after "him." Trust me...it can be GREAT! I know, I live it everyday...even though mine is a life without "her."

Why not start today!?

i am living proof that life CAN be better once you move on.

i never felt suicidal but i can relate to the other things you have said. i was so depressed it was all i could do to get out of bed in the morning. i too used food as a comfort and as a punisher. i was on unemployment because my company had closed and there were no jobs around here that paid anywhere near what i was making in my former one.

my ex left in july of 2005. i made him leave as i could not take it anymore either. by that point in time i had found out and had proof of more affairs than i can count. something snapped in me and i said ENOUGH! for years i had been controlled by this man, had been verbally abused by this man, as had my children. there was no restoring this marriage and by the date above i realized it should not be restored.

i took control of the reigns and made some decisions. first off, i went back to school and worked whatever jobs i could find part time to help bring money in. i was getting child support as well but eventually took him to court to get more as he was not paying what he was supposed to be paying. i also have it garnished. i started working on me and taking care of me. i exercise most every day now. and continue to eat healthier. i am almost done with my bachelor's degree. i have a great job now too. i renewed my faith in God and got involved in our church. i concentrate on my kids first and foremost.

it was very hard at first. i would obsess, like you, over where they were and what they were doing. he moved in with ow right away. he would forfeit time with his own kids to be with her.
i fought hard to keep ow away from my kids and succeeded for about a year. after that, there was nothing i could do about it. but i have always kept open lines of communication with my kids.

some marriages should not be saved. DO NOT GET LOST IN THIS MAN. no contact and take care of yourself. my ex and i to this day have very little contact with each other, only the essentials.

find the thread i posted over the weekend called "VERY IMPORTANT TO READ" or something like that. i would link it here but don't know how..
it will be helpful for you.

you can do this and you can be a success. i would not be where i am today had i stayed with my ex. i am a success story and my marriage did not make it. thank god for me and my kids that we did not stay married. life for us is good now.

mlhb

in response to "mkeverydaycnt" My doctor told me i was emotionally abused, but at the time i didnt even realize it. I was in a depression before i knew about the affair, that is his
reason for having the affair. I guess i just didnt realize i needed help. and it was a convenient excuse for him having his affair.

THe emotional abuse after i found out was just so cruel, that for a person the already needed help it just pushed me over the edge. and now it seems the person i needed the most has,moved on
abandoned me and caused me more pain.

Now me and my son are emotionally trying to deal with his abandoning us. even though he said that is not what he is doing.
He actually said " we are both adults here you should be able to just let me live here and continue my relationship "affair" because it is best for our son" I actually almost considered it because he made me feel like the affair was completely my fault, I forced him into it, he had no choice.

I actually still feel guilt for the dissolution of my family. I feel I love my son so much I should be able to let him live here for him. but I know from reading posts here that that is just a version of cake-eating. Like lets pretend everything is ok and our son will be fine because he wont know anything is going on.Yeah whos making the sacrafice. my son needs an emotionally stable mother not a pretend family.

My husband dropped my son off last nite and my son was begging him to come back home and my husband said he couldnt. then my son started sobbing and my husband hugged him and left. I was left with this poor little sobbing boy and all i could think is what a jerk my husband. I would never be able to do that to my son.

This is the stuff that makes me want a divorce. I need to end all this. my husband wasnt alway like this, emotionally abusive and cruel, he said i changed him and made him this way.

Hon, that statement IS emotional abuse. Get away from him. You deserve better.

btw, Plan B means you have no contact with him. No calls, no texting, no talking. It won't work if you're interacting with him.

i know, i know , i know. How do you guys do it. It just seems that i cant help myself. He was the only friend i had, some friend, I just cant help myself. I also am close with my mother in law who is just as baffled as me and I tell her stuff and she calls him too. I really love this man and the hardest part is that i cant just fully get away from him.

I just have this overwhelming feeling that I can make him see what a big mistake he is making. I would do almost anything for him to give our family another chance. I have to deal with him because of my son. how do I not have anything to do with him without being the bad guy.

he called my husband the other day to visit my father in laws
grave (oh yeah, his father passed away in may this year. I was so close to him and my son was also,so me and my son are greiving over this too.) my husband said he was busy and couldnt go with us. my son was so upset because he promised him he would go.
I knew he was with OW and it made me crazy. It seems like I have no control. esp when hes blowing off his son to be with her. We would have loved to have spent the day with him.

Do some reading on co-dependency. You need to learn to get past your need to be admired for helping people, especially when they don't want your help. Plus, 'I can make him see what a big mistake he is making' is fruitless - you cannot make anyone WANT to change; only THEY can. Stop going down that path. The only thing you can change is yourself. Start living for you, and learn to be ok by yourself, for your son's sake. Don't become one of those women who takes in any man, no matter how worthless, just to keep from being alone.

It is so funny that u said that i just picked up a book ystrdy by melody beattie on codependency. my phsy. told me to pick it up. UR GOOD catperson.I guess ill start reading it now.
THE other funny thing is that I saw a book in my husbands car about codependency(different one). I wonder if his psych told him to read it. figure that one out>

Hi donewit3,

I'm not sure if a D or a dark Plan B is right but then I'm not an expert. What I do know is that you need to look after you and that is the first thing you should do. Looking after you will help you look after your child better and will help take your mind off your WH. Whatever you do, D or Plan B you will still want to contact your WH and D will add further stress your situation IMHO. If you have moved to Plan B then you should have your financial affairs in order and boundaries set.

I would set a strict timetable that keeps you focused on other things instead of your WH. During the early months of my situation the only time I didn't think about my WW was while I was playing soccer. For the hour I played all I thought about was winning the ball. This got me thinking of how I could keep myself occupied. I went on to do yoga which help, started cooking more, visiting friends, anything to keep myself occupied. I'm still hurt don't get me wrong but it takes a long time to heal a wound that's cut so deep, but you'll heal. Just look back at how far you have come. We all have good days and bad days and sometimes it feels that they aren't any good days, but they do come more than you realise.

We have all gone through what you feel and believe me you are not the first to consider suicide. I thought about it many times, but I won't let the B******** grind me down and you can do the same. Try doing some exercise because an active body keeps an active mind. Plan B or D can roll on in the background but put some focus on you.

Keep going you'll make because we all have.

Take Care
HAF

I cant believe how many responses i have gotten. you guys are so helpful.

I am not even sure myself if I am really ready for D, In a way I think maybe I told to see what response i would get. Well it wasnt good anyway.

As of now I still handle all of the finances, his pay gets direct deposited. I live in our house with our son and he moved into his brothers place by himself, brother doesnt live there.
The place is coincedentally right down the street.

In actuality, he lets me stay in the house, handle the money. so maybe he still does have a little heart left in him.

I am just so confused at this point I dont know what to do or not do.