This is a very generic question, how do you know when to call it quits? How do you cross that separation line? I know that you have to look into yourself but i would like to know others experiances reasons or advice. This is something i am struggling with everyday , I feel like i am on a roller coaster...

LH, aside from your wife's addiction issues, you have to ask yourself if you would be considering leaving if you didn't have another woman providing you greener pastures. That additional factor clouds the reasoning, gives you false hope that you 'need' to call it quits. Please be careful.

When your wife drops you off on the side of the road in the middle-of-nowhere and you are watching her drive away.

There is no other women, well maybe three, my angels my daughters. maybe it was a bad thing to come here, I am struggling with my marriage because there is someone else, I am struggling because there is no one else, and hasn't for many years, I have tried and tried to make it better for her, me and the kids. It was always me and the girls

LH,

I know what you mean. The same question ("how do you know when it's over?") has plagued my thoughts for the past year and a half. So far, no easy answer has emerged...and I doubt that it ever will (for me, at least). This is a difficult "big" question. We each have to answer it for ourselves.

Hopefully, someone else will have some deeper wisdom for us, rather than taking cheap shots at you (which is always a risk on a public forum like MB). We're probably not the only two guys asking this question or wanting advice on how to best ask it for ourselves!

Good luck in your quest,
LR

Lies, I'm not taking cheap shots. I'm responding to his other thread - which I assume is the truth, in which he says he left his first wife for his second. And now, when his wife is messed up and in rehab, he has been getting emotionally attached (his words) to a female friend of his and his wife's, AND he loves his wife but he's not in love with her any more - typical WS fogspeak, whether it's progressed to that yet or not. Granted, he got a raw deal with this woman he married, but that's what happens when you select someone willing to have an affair with a married man.

LH, truly, I'm not trying to dis you. I'm trying to get you to be honest with yourself. So you don't make yet another decision based on flawed logic.

Cat,

Sure, I understood that.

How did your comments help answer the question in his original post? You are a veteran poster here on MB. You've seen a lot of people come and go as they struggle with these difficult "big questions" in their lives.

So let me put it to you directly: how does one know when it's over? Any helpful thoughts, experiences, or advice that you have to share on this question would be genuinely appreciated!

Apparently I need to clarify a bit and use my words more carefully, I didn't really leave my first wife for my second, that relationship ended before I met my second, Saying I left wasn't the right word, I meant I left that marriage and started a new one after the fact, not before or during the first. I have been a great husband to her it just never seemed enough, I am not trying to build my self up but I do more than most, like foot rubs, house cleaning, flowers etc etc,

They helped answer the question because, based on what he wrote, he left one woman for another, and is now getting up close and personal with yet another woman (until he told his wife he would no longer see the 3rd woman). Therefore, to tell yourself that you are, indeed, ready to call it quits may be, in fact, lying to yourself. It may be just that you see another, fresh new woman who looks better than the one you're saddled with, so sure you're going to say it's time to call it quits.

Which is why I told him to be honest with himself. If there was indeed a pattern of falling out of love with one woman just because there's another one flirting with you, then NO, you shouldn't trust your own instincts because they are selfish and destructive. I didn't know, so I was asking him. Now he says that's not what he meant, he didn't really leave his first wife for his second, but he DID say he had gotten emotionally attached to a friend, which is exactly how people get into emotional affairs. And people are much more likely to suddenly decide they want out of a marriage when they know there's someone else out there to replace that spouse.

As for generally speaking, I guess I would say that you know it's time when you end up hurting each other more than helping, when you like them less each time you see them, when you find issues neither of you is willing to budge on because there's no longer any love. With love, you are willing to compromise because your love for the other person makes you willing to give up some of your own wants/needs so that he/she gets theirs; without it, you merely fight for your rights. Once you get to that point, it may indeed be time to move on.

Thanks, Cat, for taking the time to provide a more complete response. Especially the last paragraph!

Peace,
LR

[edit: one day, I plan to learn to type...and spell...]

As for generally speaking, I guess I would say that you know it's time when you end up hurting each other more than helping, when you like them less each time you see them, when you find issues neither of you is willing to budge on because there's no longer any love. With love, you are willing to compromise because your love for the other person makes you willing to give up some of your own wants/needs so that he/she gets theirs; without it, you merely fight for your rights. Once you get to that point, it may indeed be time to move on. [/quote]

This is what I was looking for, thanks cat,

For myself...

I woke up one day and just felt like I didn't WANT to fight anymore. I had not seen my WH in four months, had not laughed with him as I was accustomed to, had not touched him, hugged him or kissed him.

After the lies, the accusations and the hurt, I just felt empty. I did not know him anymore, and at the same time, did not want to know the man he was.

I was able to walk away, and I have not once regretted that decision. I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

You just know when it is time to let go. You feel it.

What if one of you feels it and the other doesn't? I'm the one that doesn't feel like we're through. He has voiced to me numerous times in the past 2 days that it's over (snd tonight said he was going to an attorney). How can you accept that when you know that there is the potential for so much good in your marriage if you just work on resolving those conflicts that were just swept under the rug years ago to get back to the happy times?

When do you know it's over?

I don't know if I can say this right, but when an addict begins down the path of sobriety/recovery, NEITHER party is supposed to make major life changes for a year. That's pretty much a standard suggestion in Alanon meetings (and I'm assuming suggested for anyone pursuing 12 step recovery. I think it could safely be applied to anyone in recovery.)

Do you know what life will be like when your wife is sober? My husband failed to disclose he had a sex addiction to me until I discovered it. We'd been together over a decade. I've known his real self for a year now..Not a long enough time to make a complete judgement call about whether we can work things out, especially when you couple it with me.

I'm codependant and I don't know what my real me will be. I'm just now at the point of noticing my less than desirable behaviors. I've got a codependant relationship with not only my husband but also my parents..so I have a good 20 years of behavior to unlearn and relearn.

Until my codependency gets under control, I'm not in any place to work on my marriage. I've told my husband that, and apologized. He is willing to work with me, waiting until I am ready.

A year before I discovered my husband's addiction, I gave him the "I haven't loved you speech" several times. Well, now I know why. But we never really threw in the towel, because underneath all the crap, we realized we still love eachother.

The rollercoasters don't end once your spouse is sober. They've only just begun. My husband was sober for 9 months before we could have regular communication (other than grunting to each other.) Even then, we didn't always say what we meant, which lead to MORE fights. Honestly, sometimes I felt bad communication was worse than no communication.

This recovery stuff is not for the faint at heart.

I'm also rather surprised that you are so focused on ending the marriage when you haven't focused on healing yourself first. If you don't heal yourself because of your codependency, you'll probably make poor decisions when it comes to women.

Furthermore, your kids WILL pick up the codependant behavior. I learned my codependant behaviors from my mom. I certainly don't want my kids learning these behaviors from me, or worse, marrying an addict because I didn't heal myself. It does happen.

So when do you know when it's over, particularly when addiction is involved:

1. When the addicted party is sober and in active recovery, you have worked on your recovery from codependancy, and you both decide you can't make a partnership of it.

OR

2. When the addicted party refuses to stay sober and you decide it's against your value system to remain with a using addict.

Or
3. You decide you don't want to deal with the recovery process.

Good Luck.