My husband and i have been married for 8 years. We were married very quickly after 3 months.This was his second marriage ( 2 children) and I was in a previous commonlaw relationship ( 3 children). Everything was bliss for the first 8 months, then he started acting jeolous of my children. It went like that for 2 years to the point of he and my children hating each other. I left him when he gave me an ultamatum ( him or them). I was gone for about 2 months when i had contacted him about a divorce, we satred talking and decided to try to work things out, he said that he had been very hard on the kids and that he would really try. I then found out that he had another woman living with him, he said he didn't love her and asked her to leave. For about 3 months after we got back together ( 4 years ago) i kept finding messages from her on his emails etc....i put up with this until i could not deal with the emotional part of it anymore. He made me feel completely hurt that he would fight with me knowing if i left him that she would come back. He ended up giving up on it and things got better eventually, it actually got really good for us and all the kids. But over the last year he has been driving long haul, he has a lap top and has been communicating with ex girlfriends from high school ( doing sexual surveys online with them, talking on the cell phone with them,and one message asking when he was going to stop and visit her, and i even found a message where he was suppose to meet his ex-wife's sister at a truck stop ( who used to be a prostitute from what he told me in the past)He claims that he was meeting her and her husband when i confronted him on it. I found that he had purchased another helmut for his motorcycle ( when i already have one). He has been picking arguments with my son ( 17) and nit picking me also when he is home. I work at our motel and i am here 7 days a week, He has been home for almost a month now and hasn't spent any time here , he shows up for a couple hours and goes back home instead of staying here. ( 1 hour away) He has been talking down about my children to his family again. We haven't been sexually intaimate for some time ( about 2 months) and rarely before that ( my fault, i have no desire what so ever) don't know why i feel this way. need some advice

It sounds like you need to think about what boundaries YOU HAVE for yourself.

Is this what you want for your marriage? If not, how would you like it to change?

I don't know, but he sounds pretty wayward to me...and somewhat abusive. He should be making every effort to spend time with you and should not be spending ANY time with OW.

Read the website. There is a lot of excellent information here. And there are vets here who will be able to give you good advice.

My advice (for as little as I know), is to re-assess your M. What do you want/need and is your H willing to work with you to achieve it?

How often have you been intimate in the last 2 years?

Thanks, i guess your probably right, im just not sure what boundries are right and wrong. Im not a jealous person at all, unless i feel i need to be or have reason to be. He has a bad bad spending problem, he makes large purchases, last week $20,000 on another motorcycle ( now he has 2) he keeps putting us in financial ruin, last year he bought a pick-up truck behind my back, he spends so much that i cannot make our payments and have to borrow money all the time to try to keep up, he informed me that he sold his transport and will be putting the money in his personal account...i pleaded with him to put it in our investment account because he will just blow it all, but he says to trust him.I have a feeling he's keeping this money because he is planning an escape...lol He told me last week when he had one of his temper tantrums that when he sells his truck he is going to take a long ride? not sure if he said it out of anger. I swear i see our future as being homeless if he can't control his spending. I realize that i cannot live with that in my head..im the type that needs to have some security for our future. He doesn't care since he has a trust income from his family ( although he has that spent before he ever gets it). With these issues and all the others, im just not sure it will work. He's been to councilling and at that time he didn't want me to go with him, i do know that the counciller told him that he was co-dependant on me. I guess the counciller told him how to correct it and then he turned into a jerk for awhile, anything i would suggest or say he told me no...lol sorry for the babbling

4 or 5 times, mostly because i feel bad for making him wait so long...just don't have any desire.

Do you have a back up plan to be financially secure should your WH decide to "take a long ride"?

I would have to agree that this sounds borderline abusive.

Can you get into counseling? Can you contact Dr. Harley for input?

I'm sure you have your accountabilities in not meeting his needs, but it really sounds like he has taken you for a ride using your guilt.

Get some immediate help and put an action plan together for your finances.

((neversure))

neversure,

-problem with your kids (if i calculate correctly it was either him or them when your son was about 12 years old!)

-Having an affair

-Spending problem

-Buying bikes and trucks behind your back

-Temper tantrums

-you have no sexual desire for him

You sure you want to be married to this guy?

Just asking..

Because of the type of person that i am, i will state some good, points on his behalf, since its not fair that he can't defend himself ( although i haven't seen to much of them lately) and some of my own annoying traits..lol . He can be very kind when he wants to be, everyone thinks he's a great guy as he goes out of his way to help them. He is very funny and likes to be the center of attention. He supports my dreams ( i am a songwriter) and he accepts that i go to Nashville alot to do my songwriting, sometimes alone and sometimes he comes with me. He has tried very hard with the kids and became close to them. And yes my son was only 12 when he gave me an ultimatum, ive been told by people that i should never go against my husband for my children, that they need to know that he is my husband and they will not get in the middle of our marriage...but the circumstances were NOT healthy, i believe at the time he was trying to sabatoge my relatioship with my children because he was jealous. When he realized that it wouldn't happen he then made the attempt to have a relationship with them. As for myself i guess i can be moody and bossy, I am controlling when it comes to financial matters because he cannot keep a dollar in his pocket and if i wasn't this way we would probably be homeless. ( not probably rather we would be) We can talk about it sometimes and he will listen and agree, and for a month or so he will be careful but it always resorts back to the same issues again. Once he became physical and shoved me around because he had an argument with my daughter who was 16 at the time, back in 2003. He's never done that again and apologized saying he would never do that again. He is on my son about doing more around the house, which i agree ( but he is a teenager..lol) messy room and all. My husband thinks that he shouldn't have to ask him to do anything, that he should just know to do it. But instead of asking him , he yelled at him which my son took offence to. Which started this whole delemma about leaving me because my kids aren't up to his standards. ( my son is home , out of school right now because he was being bullied and beaten up a school so i had to pull him out for his own safety). As for a response to the last post...i'm trying to make our marrige work, don't know if i want to....i don't feel up to being single again and i know the grass isn't going to be greener over there?

neversure,

Have you posted on this site before? You have a familiar story...

When I read what you have said about him, one word comes to mind - BRAINWASHED!

And based on your repeated situation, looks like you need an action plan before you see any real results.

Have you been in counseling? Do you plan to seek counseling? What are you looking for from MB? What have you learned as you have read Dr. Harley's concepts?

I haven't been on here until today, Im unsure what i want to do. I haven't recieved any councilling as of yet, only talked to a close friend about it. She has seen our ups and downs and knows us both. Her views are much like what everyone here is saying... i do plan on asking my husband to spend a night here when he gets back and just getting all my feelings out in the open...but im a little hesitant knowing he will be getting all that money...he'll probably just say screw it. But i suppose if he does that then i'll know where we stand. I am gald to find this site though...appreciate any advice

Ok, I have a few observations, based on your extra background info. First, you will need to read, understand, and practice the principles of no Love Busting and meeting his Emotional Needs. You can't make him want to do the same for you, but I think you will find that once you start being the best wife in the world, he will respond and start being a better husband; it's just human nature. If you think he'll participate, print out the questionnaires and ask him to fill them out so you'll know what NOT to do (Love Busters) and what TO do (Emotional Needs) for him. If he won't, just do your best to figure out what he wants and give it to him.

Second, I realize you have a lot of resentments built up, but one thing you really need to understand about men - they biologically HAVE to have sex on a regular basis. If they don't, nothing else will matter; the marriage will almost always fail in one way or another. I'm sorry if you don't want to hear that, but it is simply biology, since our cave man days - men had to have the urge to procreate to keep the species going. You just can't ignore that fact and expect your husband to stay with you. He might, but you can't depend on it. You can't give him sex once every 5 months and expect him not to 'have' to find other ways to satisfy his need.

I'll tell you a secret. I came here 9 months ago, even more full of resentment than you. I still gave my H SF, but I didn't want to, because I couldn't stop being mad at him. So I started watching out for LBs, stopping my AOs, and trying to meet his ENs. A surprising thing happened: I started seeing the man I married 30 years ago. Why? Because once I stopped treating him poorly because I felt like he deserved it, he started responding in kind by being nice to me once again. A circular dance, if you will. And along the way, SF started being more enjoyable, for both of us. I'd meet him from a trip wearing nothing but a bathrobe, I'd bring him a drink without being asked, I'd initiate more often. And he started reciprocating by caring more about whether I was happy.

Third, you a half of your marriage. Finances is THE major issue in marriages. It deserves a JOINT decision, and you have every right to demand that you don't make any decisions without each other's approval. If I were you, I would make this your deal-breaker. If he won't agree to have a joint account that you both must agree to, you might want to consider setting up your own account and starting to protect yourself. I will tell you that the one worst thing in my life has been my inability to put aside money for myself. Not having any savings account of my own has made me a slave to my marriage, and that is no place for anyone to be! Please make your finances your top priority.

You can do this!

sorry in advance for the mini TJ:

I don't agree with withholding sex to manipulate a situation, and I certainly think that you should look at the reasons that you have no interest in sex with your H, but...

cat...I disagree that ALL men HAVE to have sex. My H has NEVER needed it frequently. Even from the beginning of our relationship, his sex drive was less than mine. He is happy with or without it. Of course there are times when he desires it, but not as often as one would expect...maybe once or twice a month AT MOST. When we did the EN questionnaire, I think SF ranked 5th but he said that he put it there more so because he knew that men are SUPPOSED to want to have sex than because it was really a need for him.

never,
If your H leaves you because you are honest about your needs then doesn't that tell you something about him? Don't think about his money...think about his character. If this man truly loves you and wants your happiness above all else (something that EVERY H should want in a M for their W), then ask yourself if you are willing to settle for just what he is willing to give you now.

I tell my students when they have arguments with their friends and their friends are mean to them that they need to think about whether or not they really want a friend like that.

Do you really WANT a husband who disregards your needs?

i don't feel that i am withholding sex as a punishment, it makes me cringe to have to have sex if i don't want to ( i was abused a s a child) i think that feeling stems from that, but maybe the loss of desire is stemmed from the emotional distress that i am feeling with my husbands actions...i know i probably need councilling for this something ive avoided till now, but these feelings have never been an issue in my life before. I was in anabusive relatioship before i met and married my husband, what attracted me to him the most was he was so funny and he made me laughalot...but one of the problems we have now is communication, everything is a joke for him, he cannot have a serious conversation without him cracking some kind of joke. I tried to tell him this last week during this uproar and in the middle of me explaining how he needs to take these issues more seriously, a nice car drove by and he said, " Nice Car", he then laughed and said just kidding hon...I just clammed up and gave up on the conversation...

Just an update of new events, My husband was away for a few days. I was on his laptop lastnight and found that he has been on a website called F#$%k buddy.com .Its a local sex site where you can find women or men who are willing to have sex discreetly. He was on this website whenever he was out of town. Weve been trying to sell our business in our town and yesterday he told me on the phone he now wants us to keep it and I run it.. he knows how much i would like to sell ( very stressful for me). Then today he recieved his large sum of money and informed me that he is opening a business about 7 hours north of here, knowing that i won't be able to go there because this place is 24/7. I said , don't you think that something like this we should be discussing..his reply was yeah but im doing it anyways. It took everything in me not to confront him about the sex site. I don't think i will say anything yet...im going to get myself together and what i need to do before i say anything.

Well, Im back..its been about 2 1/2 months since my last post. Since then, i took the advice of one of the posters and tried to make things work...I was much more responsive to his sexual deires, i let alot of past issues ride and worked on us as a couple. I didn't ride him about the money , we talked about it and he said not to worry that he will take care of things. So this is what happened. He sold his truck for 100,000.00 , he was suppose to take care of things and our future for the next year with this money while he went back to school. Instead he spent every penny of it, minus the 15,000 ( i went online and paid the bills in mid july without his consent, and minus 14,000 that i transfered into my account because that was all that was left, ive been using that for us to live off of, which is now gone ( we have a home and a business which is not doing well this year because of gas prices and bad weather) Now id had enough and wrote him a letter telling him that i will not deal with this pressure anymore and that i was going to leave him since i do not wish to go down the tubes with him. He said he was sorry and would find a job and try to fix things, so he left and went to see his family and they all conpired and talked , convinced him that i must be having an affair, said that i was going to take money and leave him...etc..etc Then he came home and accused me of having an affair. I told him at that point that it was over for us since he doesn't trust me...then he cried and said he was sorry and didn't want to split up, he hasn't found a job, i would gladly find one also but i have to run this business thats not making any money??? Im so confused