Hello, I am new here, so bear with me. This might be a little long.....
I have been married almost 14 yrs with two children. My husband decided that he was no longer happy in the relationship and told me in march he needed to leave in order to think things thru. At first I thought he was only going to be gone for a few weeks tops, it's been 3 months. When he left he told me he loved me, he didn't want a divorce and that he would be back. Again, been gone for 3 months. I have tried to talk to him about what is going on with him emotionally and he won't budge. All he tells me is that he can't come home to me because he is not sure about how he feels about anything anymore. He is stressed out at work big time, again no excuse, and he is turning 40 in the upcoming week. He tells me I hold him back. From doing what I do not know. He tells me I am controlling, which is true to an extent. I manage everything in our family, the kids, the dog, the finances, everything. I've never told him he can't do anything. But he loves to spend money on frivolous things, that we financially cannot afford and it stresses me out. I am afraid financially because he is a spendthrift. Always has been. I am the saver. We were able to buy our home because of it. I take care of the kids and he comes home whenever he feels like it to see them and then leaves. He comes home on the weekends to spend with the kids and doesn't even so much as glance at me or even so much as a hello. It's like he cant stand the site of me.
I am sooo sad and depressed. I love this man so much, but I cannot deal with this for much longer. I made an appointment with a div. lawyer just so I have the information I need if it ever comes to that, but making the appt. made me sick.
How can he just decide one day that our marriage is over and I am supposed to just accept it.
I have been to MC for awhile now. It helps. He has been to two sessions and was done. I think he just did it to appease me. He said there is nothing wrong with him, it's me. He blames me for him being miserable and now he's making me pay by him treating me like dirt.
I do admit, and I admitting it to him as well that I have not been the best wife. Meaning, I think sometimes I took advantage of him. Thinking I could treat him however and he would take it. Selfish on my part, I know. I have told him over and over, I see certain things that I have done and I'm not the nicest person all the time. I am willing to do whatever it takes on my part to make it better. Once the kids were born, we put them first and us on the backburner. Never thinking how damaging that could be till now.
I know I probably left some things out. I can't think straight. It is so hard to do the day to day and try to figure out how to do that when my life is literally falling apart.

Welcome and sorry you find yourself needing this site.

Have you read the Basic Concepts portion of the site? It has important information about Emotional Needs and LoveBusters.

There is, of course, a chance he's having an affair. You need to find this out because if he is there are some additional steps you can take to save your marriage.

In general, you need to elminate all lovebusters. Second, you need to meet any emotional needs he's willing to let you meet, and expect nothing in return for the time being. This is the plan whether he's seeing someone else or not.

Since your husband doesn't want to talk to you, fill in the Emotional Needs Questionnaire as if you were him. Same for the Lovebusters questionnaire. That will be your game plan. It's helpful to think back to what you two were like when you were dating.


Another book I really liked because it was practical and how-to is The Surrendered Wife. This is perfect for those of us who tend toward controlfreakhood. (I define control-freak behavior as different from "controlling" behavior. Control-freak is control over projects and processes. "Controlling" is control over someone else. Sometimes a person is both)

See what you can do to snoop. Find ways to keep track of him, to see if he's seeing another woman. If so, it changes all you need to do.

You are in a hard place right now. I am sorry you have to go through this.
Please do not rush into a divorce. Even if your husband asks for it.

Thank you for your response. My husband is still out of the house, but his attitude has been a little better. Talking to me with respect as for before he was mean and nasty. I have read the forums and some of dr harley's books.
His 40th birthday was this past weekend and I invited all his family for a birthday bbq. I could have done nothing with all that has gone on, but chose not to do that and have something nice for him. Not sure if he even appreciated it or not.
He also has been sleeping on the couch when he does come home to be with the kids on the weekends. But this past weekend, he slept in the same bed as me. I was a little shocked that he did, but secretly happy that he did. I don't want to make much of it, but I can't help myself. I don't know if it means anything or not. I don't expect anything from him, I just want to show him that it can be better.
Am I an idiot for thinking this way???

Did he tell you "I love you, but I am not in love with you?"

Sleeping in the bed with you doesn't mean a lot, but it does mean something. If he does it again, you may want to try to initiate sex. Every little bit helps.

He has never said he doesn't love me anymore.
Also I mentioned in my previous post that he slept in the same bed as me, but I also tried snuggling with him and just slept as close to him as possible. What I didn't mention because I just am so unsure if I am doing the right thing, I initiated sex. At first he wasn't responding but as soon as I gave up and decided to go to sleep, he responded back.
Like I said, I don't know if it means much, but why would he if the feelings weren't still there.
A few weeks ago, he couldn't stand the site of me, now this. A change for the better or maybe he sees a change.
I'm just so confused. I have my family thinks I'm crazy for allowing him to treat me this way, after all he left. And I am being nice to him and treating him with respect and allowing him to sleep with me. Then I have my friends telling me, do whatever it takes to win him back. I want to do whatever it takes, but don't want to be used either.

IMO, it's a fine line between doing whatever it takes and being taken advantage of. I'm going through it also. Just be sure to look out for you and your mental state as well.

I just told my sister and father (my biggest emotional supports - both of which have gone through divorce) that H was seeking a divorce. They can't understand why I would want to work it out with him - even though they were in the same position once before. Family wants to protect you and support you no matter what so it doesn't surprise me your family feels the way they do.

Just remember to look out for you first. If things work out, if your family is like mine, they will support your decision although they may not agree with it.