This most certainly is going to be a long and bumpy road, but one that I know is well worth going down because of where it leads. I'm just so thankful to God for uniting me with the one who really is my soul mate and the only person I could ever face the hardships of life with. I know in my heart of hearts that we are supposed to be together and together we will make it through anything. One step at a time, we will walk side by side holding hands and helping each other along the way. I know that both of us are completly commited to surviving this awful tragedy and thriving as a loving couple. I look forward to recieveing all the wonderful information from everyone here every step of the way.

So things have been really good between my H and I for the past month. A lot better than I ever imagined it would be, in spite of what we have been dealing with. We have been going to church regularly and we are also seeing a MC. I really am falling so in love with him and it's a great feeling!

WARNING!!!! This is a topic that may be sensitive to some but I have kept it very generalized.

So here's the problem, in MC he said that he felt like his "manhood" had been challenged, and I can understand that. So the MC told us that the only way that could be fixed was by me. Well, life in the bedroom has been wonderful. We make love daily, I feel sexy and desireable and am very satisfied. But no matter how much I try and express that to him in different ways I dont think that he believes me. I feel like I have to do whatever it takes to restore that feeling that I crushed, but I don't know how to tell him without him taking it the wrong way, that I don't need it every day, I don't always have to "get off", I am satisfied and just being close to him intimantly is what I need. It's more emotional for me, but it's physical for him. How can I tell him that he's wearing me out and my body just needs a break? Its not that I don't want to be with him. I love being that close and it always feels great, I'm not the kind of person that has ever needed it daily. Sexual Fullfilment is one of his EN and I want to make sure and meet that important need. Does he really need it everyday???? Or does it seem more like something else??? Maybe, he's just working harder to keep me satisfied so I dont "go looking" - not that I have any intention of that at all, but he's just playing it safe??????

It's so confusing because whenever he asks how I'm feeling or what would make me happier I think he really wants to know so he can at least understand even if he doesn't agree. So, I am totally honest with him about how I'm feeling and try to explain to him why I'm feeling that way and what would make it better he gets discouraged, thinks that there is "something else" bothering me and I'm just trying to cover up my true feelings. Or even worse, that I really don't want to be with him, which is absolutely not how I'm feeling.


I don't want the flame that has been ignited to burn out so please help with any suggestions, ideas, or experiences. Every reply is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

I've read your other thread over in Recovery, and I've got to admit, I don't care for the "tone" of your posts very much. I still see a lot of "WAYWARD" in you, in the way you continue to blame your BH for YOUR A, and how all of this continues to be all about you.


RIGHT NOW ... if you're serious about what you claim, which I personally doubt, he should "GET IT", whenever he "WANTS IT", and you should be VERY happy to comply, whether YOU think he "NEEDS IT" or not.

I'll admit, I don't relate well to WW's, so possibly some of the others can give you better advice than I can, because your posts just don't ring true to me. The "words" expressed in the first part of your post above, don't mesh with the "actions" described in the 2nd part of your post, and you'll find that most of us BH's have a pretty well tuned BS meter, when it comes to WW BS.

I won't for one second try to say what your BH is thinking...I don't know. I am however a BH myself (very recently), and all I can do is try to relate my experiences with the one that you are in to try to give some insight.

I don't really know the whole situation that you and BH are in, but this subject in particular is eerily familiar to me and my FWW's (it sounds just like my FWW and I). I have taken the liberty of highliting some comments in your post. please don't take offence...I am going to reply as if your story was written by my FWW, and these would be my responses to your comments...


If my "manhood" was good enough, then why did you need OM's?
If sex is about emotion for you then why did you have to have sex with OM?
If you didn't need it daily, then why go to so much trouble to sneek around and get it from someone else? You expended more energy for OM than you did for me.

The blue highlite is exactly why (I feel anyway) hysterical bonding takes place.

i hope you can figure out how to ease the pain of this for your BH. When you get some help from others around here and figure out how to move past this problem....let me know how you did it, so I can give the information to my FWW.

I appreciate your input even if you don't really like me. I'm not blaming him. What I'm asking is.... when he asks me how I feel about it am I supposed to use the Policy of Honesty and explain how I'm really feeling about the situation or at this point is it best to put my feelings aside at all costs? Right now, my feelings don't matter.


The reason it seems to be about me, is because we have been encouraged by our MC to use I statements. I need to know what I have to do to make this work. He does read and post here also. You can't change what you don't know and I need information so I can better understand what he is going thru so that I can help him. I feel like a surgeon, I know I can do any procedure takes to save the life of my marriage, I just need to have the correct information and the right tools to do it.

I encourage you to keep replying to me, I find your critisizm very constructive and helpful.

I see by your signature that you have only had NC in place for about a month. As a BH myself, I can tell you that the amount of pain he is still experiencing is off the charts. His libido is likely so high because he is trying to prove to himself that your relationship is real. For men, SF and love are intertwined.

Don’t forget the policy of radical honesty. You need to tell him you are worn out and need a break. Ensure him that it is temporary and you look forward to resuming relations. Make sure you comment on how much you enjoy it. Where you cut back on SF, increase other forms of affection. If you try and stifle your feelings it may build up resentment.

I agree with shocked.

Maybe there are other sexual pleasures that he may like that you isn't the norm for him. Of course, I'm just assuming that it is intercourse that is wearing you out.....do something specifically for him.

Tough position to be in.

What you might say: "I don't need it every day"

What he will hear: "You don't really satisfy me that much, and I'm trying to let you down easily".

Know this though - the "hysterical bonding" stage does wear off after awhile. I would suggest let him set the pace for the moment, and in the interim find other ways for you both to spend your time together .

OKM,

I have read both of your threads. One thing seems clear. You don't yet realize that recovery is a PROCESS, and it time scale is years.

It will be awhile before your H feels he has much control of himself, and yes you chose another man, thus making him think that he is not man enough for you.

Your tendency on both threads seems to be blame his behavior for your behavior. Until that changes, the recovery will be slow. You may be willing to take responsibility for the affair, but what you are not taking responsibility for is your poor response to what you feel was a poor marriage.

You could have separated. You could have divorced (and you may yet end up divorced). You could have insisted on counseling. You could have unplugged the computer and stopped internet service. You could have had family help intervene. The list goes on. yet, what you did was have an affair.

Since this apparently was not an exit affair, I can only assume the purpose of this affair was to make yourself feel better and to punish your H. I am sure you accomplished both for awhile.

Are you two in counseling? If not why not?

I will tell you this the WS that have recovered their marriages the fastest were the ones that were not only willing to discuss and learn from the past, they were the ones that even started some of the conversations. You are running from what you did. You won't learn a darned thing by sticking your head in the ground after telling your H "My Bad!" You will not progress.

You are both young, not very mature, and clearly neither of you understand the consequences of your actions. Sadly you both will now.

The one thing you MUST do is get honest with him. If you don't like something he is doing, tell him. Don't shout, don't yell, don't pout, but quietly and maturely tell him that what he is doing is hurting you, and would he please stop and talk with you about it.

Honesty (read Harley's articles on the policy of radical honesty) is crucial to recovering your marriage: honesty with yourself, and honesty with him.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

We are both in MC and have both read the majority of everything on this site and have looked into everything that has been suggested. I do realize that this is a process and it will take a long time to fully recover, but in the mean time we still have to raise our children and my goal is to do it in the healthiest environment possible. When I come across a problem that I dont feel I have a very good understanding about I post here so I can get ideas & opinions and relate to other ppls experiences. Apparently, Im not using the right words or something because everyone seems to be offended by the "tone" of my posts. Make no mistake I am absolutly not on here to "blame" him, and i understand that he is in a club that he did not ask to join. I have read SAA and continue to study it daily. I have been spending a consideable amount of time on this site and these forums and I keep hearing that since "I" did this "I" have to fix it. All I'm looking for is the correct information so that I can fix it the right way so that it never "breaks" again.

I feel that we are moving along as well as could be expected for this early on in recovery and from what he's expressed to me he has been "feeling better" and it has been bothering him a little less. I know it will take time, lots and lots of time. We will have good days and bad days. I dont expect this to be easy and just go away. I just think that I'm coming off all wrong in my posts. Maybe its because I have left out details and not fully explained the situation. I dont want to offend anyone; you may be surprised to know that my H doesnt find my posts offensive, possibly because he understands the role he played in the disaster I have created. I am not blaming him or saying its his fault, but I did try and try and try again.



I tried everything I knew to do, he didnt want to be with me, he was done, but I knew he wouldnt leave. I wanted to save our marriage, but there was no way I could have done it on my own. He was not interested and I was not going to give up. We were married out of obligation to the children and I was scared to death that the rest of my life was going to be empty. You were right about

except for the punish him part. I never wanted to hurt him I just wanted to feel better and I knew that he was not willing to do anything to make that happen. It was very selfish of me and I wish that I could have figured out how to get his attention and love back without going down the road I did. I even begged him to come to MB and read so he would better understand the seriousness of how I was feeling. He just really didnt care. He does now, and its tragic that it had to come to this to wake us both up and make us realize.



I know this is a very painful subject and am fully aware that the pain I have caused my H is the worst pain he will ever experience. I didnt want to hurt him, that was never my goal, and its tough to know that I hurt him this bad. Its my fault, I caused it and I will have to live forever knowing that there isn't anything that will ever hurt him as much as I have.


Release the LIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I'm gonna get ripped up for this one. But please dont hold back, I find it to be very insightful.

OKM,

Your last comment about releasing the lions is precisely why you are getting the comments you are.

We are not posting to you, to hurt you. We also see that you see things in rather black and white tones. You are missing the subtle but important facts we are trying to impart to you. So is your H, that is not a surprise either.

You have viewed his actions as doing something to you. He was doing something for himself. It is called independent behavior.
You then responded by doing something for YOURSELF. It is also called independent behavior. If you have read the articles on this site you know what independent behavior does to a marriage.

Until you see yourself as a unit, and until he sees himself as part of the same unit, there will be no happy marriage for you two. We are on you because while you want to "fix it" you haven't realized that you cannot "fix it" because your H has to heal on his own and in his own manner. You can surely encourage, support, and make things better, but he has this job to do.

Your job is to reevaluate your morals, your boundaries, your core beliefs and start to develop a plan to protect these very things that are the very essence of you. Part of it is the why? question, but part of it is really examining where your weaknesses are and developing a plan to protect them.

Would it help if your H were a better husband? Yes of course it would, and he needs to hear this from you. Would him being a better husband have stopped you from having an affair? Not really. You felt it was justified, and eventualy something would have come along that would have allowed you to justify it. You see your affair is a product of your desires, your decisions, and your failure to protect your own moral code.

What all of us are trying to get you to do, is see this from a different perpsective. I am sure it will come with time. It does take time but when you do see it, you should come back and read this thread. I think you will see people were not really picking on you, they are trying to sensitize you to a different perspective.

We see things in your posts that in a few months you will see and when you do, you will better understand. Your H will also see the difference if both of you really work to recover this marriage.

So hang in there,keep posting, ask lots of questions and you and your H will get there.

God Bless,

JL

I know that no one is picking on me. I realize that everyone wants to help me and I want everyone here to say what needs to be said so I do realize the things that I need to realize. I read an article for WW and I found a lot of it very useful. I see now how I am unintentionally blaming him when I think that I am not, and everyone else seems to see that too. I am starting to get a better understanding of the whole picture but it is still somewhat out of focus as clarity will come with time and realization. Its like one of those seeing eye pictures. When you look at it really close theres nothing but colors, but as you move it farther away from your eyes and continue to focus on it suddenly a 3-D image pops out.

Again, I want to thank everyone for helping me. Sorry about the lion comment. I really do value everyones input. I know no one here wants to hurt me.

OKM,

What's up?

JL

Just been reading Love Busters. Went to the Library and checked out Love Busters and HNHN. Lots of reading ahead of me :o)