Hello,

This is my first time posting on Marriage Builders, but have been here on and off reading various forums for the passed couple of years. I've been married for 14 years and have always been very committed to the marriage. We've gone through bumpy patches where I've been incredibly lonely (my husband would go through video gaming or reading streaks where he'd ignore the family for weeks at a time.) He is not doing that now, but during that time when it was so dark, I thought, boy, it is going to be a long time, living like this...

Last summer we moved to a small town. He is doing great here, much more into living life, and doing better in general. I have been pretty miserable, and very lonely. SF not there (this has been a reoccuring problem with me having more interest throughout the marriage.)

A few weeks ago I got talking to a male acquaintance. It was under strange circumstances, as I had friends in town and we were out (I never go out) and we'd had a few drinks with my friends in the bar. I got to talking about how hard it has been living here. I knew him from the parent group. He started complimenting me, which I was flattered to have someone find me attractive. I also was blown away, because it seemed bold considering he knows I am married and he is married himself.

We've talked a few times, and emailed, not a ton, but enough and it crossed over into an EA. Somethings were very inappropriate, and he made it clear he'd like to take it farther.

I feel so guilty about this, it feels like a PA (not that I've ever had one- I haven't.) But the sneaking around with the emails and calls. I sent him a no contact email on Monday and he has honored that (he told me on the phone before he was no threat to me, and if i didn't want him to contact me, he wouldn't.)

So... here I am. Even more lonely than before. I've tried to talk to my husband about us not connecting, but it is so hard. I've mentioned this site a number of times over the years, and just recently, but he's just not interested. I know he loves me, and I love him.

I can't tell him what happened-he would be crushed, and I don't think I could show my face around once word got out. Not to mention, small towns are hard, and nothing actually happened. Not even a hand held. I was never alone with him privately.

How do I get past this, quit thinking about this guy, and get myself and my husband dialed in to this marriage? I feel horrible. I have always had really strong feelings about those that cheat. You don't do it, under any circumstances. Period. I also thought people were stupid that put themselves in a position where they could be tempted. I realize I played with fire, and now I'm suffering the consequences.

Thanks for your insights.

You have to tell your husband everything and deal with it together.

This....

"I can't tell him what happened-he would be crushed, and I don't think I could show my face around once word got out. Not to mention, small towns are hard, and nothing actually happened. Not even a hand held. I was never alone with him privately."

...is an excuse.

You can't tell him because he would be crushed, AND BLAME YOU !!!

It's an excuse for you to not own your [censored]...nothing else, and the sooner you realize that what I'm telling you is right, the better.

What difference would it make if your husband knew as far as "showing your face around town"? Doesn't your husband live in the same house as you? What does he and your marriage have to do with "around town"? If it's a small town, and I hate to break it to you.....people already know.

Stop being selfish and tell your husband. The longer you wait, the worse it gets....trust me on this one.

Malena,

Introvert makes very good points. This is coming from a newly betrayed spouse and what he has just experienced. Take heed.

You have done the right thing in declaring NC, but you won't have a true chance at R without discussing it with your BH.

Yes, he will be crushed. Word getting out is the least of your concerns, I know you are just sharing your honest feelings, but you need to shift your focus to your BH at this point and let the chips fall where they may.

Malena,

have you read Dr. Harley's material on teh web site? Do you have his books? Lovebusters? His needs her needs?

Personally I think you have to start working on your marriage. But that means doing something about it! Do you spend 15 hours a week with your husband alone? Do you have good coversations with him? Etc. Do you know your husbands ENs?

Dr. Harley has great advice for people who have problems with low sex drive.It's all on this website.

Do you have children?

By the way, under no circumstances contact, e mail, or talk to that man. You will never be able to reconnect with your husband if you do.

I appreciate the comments...and am not surprised by them. I guess where it gets blurry for me in the need to disclose, is that there wasn't anything physical, and there wasn't a lot of contact via phone or email. I recognized I had gotten in over my head (it blows me away how quick that happened given the limited amount of contact.)

Of course he would blame me... I'm the one to blame. I just don't want him hurt. I also am feeling resentful, and I hate myself for that. I know it sounds shallow, the embarrassment of people knowing. I just never expected to be here. I thought I was above this.

Yes, two kids, 4 and 6.

I've read the articles, but I think I need to order the books...Heck, i think I need the whole kit.

It's okay for you to feel the way you do about the situation. But you have to remember that your BH (and he is a BH) desreves to know the truth.

What is the situation were reversed?

Malena,

Please read about EA's - right away! You need to get it out of your head that because it wasn't a PA it minimizes it in any way.

That is one of the WORST things you can do on this path of Recovery.

And going into your discussion with your H with full accountability of how EA's DESTROY a M might help you avoid some pitfalls in this process.

I would be devastated, no question.

I am tending to do a little justification, which I know if wrong. My husband, late at night is into porn on the internet. Not every night, but enough of it. I feel like he's done his own sneaking around, although I know it is not the same.

On the surface, we have a good marriage. I know he loves me. He knows I love him. We are both in it for the long haul, no question.

onlyUcan is correct. My FWW only had an EA...she was worried she would hurt me by telling me...she ended up in a PA. what she did by not telling me was further distance herself from me...it doesn't work.
My FWW and myself never had an argument in 7 years...if it happened to us, it can happen to you.

I can't speak for all men, but most of us watch porn. If it bothers you, ask him about it. If he knew about your EA, he'd surely be asking you questions. Why not broach both subjects at the same time? don't ever use his porn as an excuse, but you can tell him that it's been bothering you.

Good idea. I will do some reading up on emotional affairs. I truly do value the feedback. I have to go pick up my kids now.

I know I am going to get hammered for this...but if I discuss with my husband, is it truly necessary for him to know who this guy is? He's got little kids. I'd hate to cause problems there with his marriage/ (Yes, I know there are problems there already.)

I know I'm making you BS's crazy with my questions. Truly, I never thought I'd be here. I am not thinking clearly.

I have to go get my kids now, but will check back in later.

So there is definitely alot for the 2 of you to work on. You can only control yourself and you can only be accountable for yourself. Set the example for him and make it safe for both of you to work on this marriage.

Perhaps this may be some sort of wake up call for both of you.

As for the OM, his BW deserves to know as well in the spirit of saving her own M. No one can survive on a foundation of lies.

Keep working through it.

Let your H know that you are telling him because your M is extremely important to you. Explain that you were starting to develop inappropriate feelings and that you want nothing to come between your M. You are telling him so you can fix whatever is missing to ensure you have a lifetime together. He means more to you than anything else, etc.

Also, make sure you let him know that you explained this to the OM and that you ended it before it could go any further.

He will be devastated, no doubt, but tackling this with honesty is better than living with a lie.

Malena,

I always find it interesting, when people post her about how lonely they are, and then turn around have an EA and say they cannot talk to their spouse.

HELLO!!! The reason you are lonely is you are NOT talking to your spouse about important things such as: your affair, his porn and how you feel about it, and other deep emotionally charged issues.

I will offer you a quote to consider
You took the poison and now you are even more isolated from your H. Had you spoken up about what was bothering you AND him (he is not using porn because he is avoiding better things to do), then you two would be on a different level.

Envision if you will what it would be like if you two trusted one another enough to be honest with your problems and were willing to ask each other for help. Imagine how much deeper your marriage would be. There is a reason (actually many reasons) that Harley espouses two policies for a good marriage:

The policy of radical honesty.
The policy of Joint agreement (POJA)

If you used these two policies coupled with Harley's four rules for a good marriage, you two would have a better marriage.

It starts with honesty and that means being honest with yourself and then your spouse.

So please do some more reading and think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Malena,

Telling him will upset him, but it will hopefully serve as a wakeup call.

Tell him. You need to. He probably is clueless about your unhappiness.

Why?

Because we, as men, think differently than you. Our thoughts fall along the line of, "If she's not complaining, then all must be well."

We also have a bad habit of dismissing things we think you're blowing out of proportion, but are big deals to you.

I believe in 2x4s for husbands where the W sits H down and lays down the truth and reality of what is going on in her head.

We need to be approached differently. Hints don't work. 2x4s do.

You have a giant 2x4 to tell him that his marriage is in trouble.

Look at it this way: Would you rather catch a tumor in it's early stages or after it's full blown and spreading to other parts of the body?

You want to get it early and protect the body.

So telling your H is like telling him he has a tumor, but it's early and it can still be healed and fixed.

.

The very fact that you ask that question, and that you feel guilty about it and have kept it secret so far, shows that the line was crossed into an EA. Yes, you should tell H. To keep this part of your M secret from him is only manipulating him. He has the right to know, and the right to deal with it accordingly.

Who knows, it may serve as the wake-up call he needs to start meeting your needs. Or, conversly, it will at least serve to identify the issue. If, then, he can't meet your EN, and if that's unacceptable to you, then maybe its time to recognize you two should go separate ways. Then and only then could you look to someone else to meet those needs.

These responses are all so helpful. The 2x4 analogy rings so true. Last night I told him we needed to put the kids to bed early so we could spend some time together. Generally, I end up going to bed early, and he stays up late on the computer. Then I get up early. The rest of the time is just about the kids.

Anyway, got the kids to bed fairly early and spent some time talking. Nothing too earth shattering but it was really nice. I initiated relations. It was a little awkward -I've been shot down so many times, I don't like to initiate anymore, but thought it was important for both of us to do so. Not to mention it is embarassing. I mean, everyone complains about the wife that isn't interested and I feel like a freak that I have the opposite issue. That said, he ended up enjoying himself I think. I then opened up a bit about my needs for SF and my loneliness. I just tried to be honest about it, but didn't bring up any of the other stuff EA, the porn, my feelings of rejection.

He was genuinely surprised about the SF part, which surprised me. I mean, I feel I've been telling him this for a long time, but guess I wasn't being direct enough about it.

I am taking baby steps here, I realize. But it was a step. I think one of his needs is the recreational time together, so I'm stepping that up this weekend. Also, hubby just called me from work, just to talk. He hasn't done that in awhile. So, that is good.

P.S. About the porn, the only reason it bothers me at all is that he chooses to use that to replace intimacy with me. This may not be the case, but that is how it feels, that he'd rather take care of his needs himself than be with me. I have a hard time talking about it, and I know its just a side issue anyway.

OK, I have to work now. Thanks so much everybody. I know what I should do, but am having a hard time doing it. OM continues to be a temptation. I keep waiting for this to go away- I think that will lessen the more I connect with my husband, but is still a distraction. I know I need to tell DH about EA, but not there yet.