Dear Friends: I am not sure what to do. Most of you know my story. I am the betrayer, but spouse does not know. However, had a traumatic blow up a few years ago in which I was ready to call it quits. My spouse is still recovering from the pains of my anger, hateful words and a close call of my leaving. We both ended up in the hospital from severe depression and attempted suicide, but at different times. I now regret all the hurtful things I said and I do not want to leave him. I do love him very much. I always have. It's just after 20 plus years of marriage, I got tired of being on the outside of this relationship. Currently we are trying to work on our marriage and have taken steps to spend some time together. However, there are days when I know he tries to avoid me and I wouldn't be surprised if he resents me. When I tell him I love him, he does not respond. When I call him on the phone, he acts like he's in a hurry to get off. He tells me that he still loves me, does not want to see me hurt and that he will not leave me, but he does not feel that deep heartfelt love he used to feel for me. To be honest with you, I am hurting. I can't help but blame myself for causing so much pain for him. But by the same token, I didn't reach that point a few years ago by myself. I try and give him some space and not hound him so much by trying to hug him or kiss him constantly even though I want to so bad. Right now I feel like crying, but I am at work and questions will be asked. So I swallow hard and grin and bear it. For those who have been betrayed, is this common behavior for you? Can you explain to me how you feel. Toward your mate. Do you think he'll ever feel deep love for me again? Or is it just a pipe dream. Did you ever feel that you could really love your spouse again after they hurt you? Should I live my life with the understanding and resolve that my marriage will be just that a marriage and not special anymore? Thank you for listening to person who is reaping the pain that she sowed.

You're just going to have to give it time. In the mean time be as nice as possible and open up to him. Hopefully he will return the favor. Try and get counselling for you both.<BR>Taqke care and don't expect everything at once.

I could have written your post. I think I did write something very similar to that a couple of weeks ago, so I know where you're at. It's an incredibly painful place to be; we know what we've done, we love our husbands, and they tell us that the way they feel about us has changed. I can't blame my H for feeling this way, but want to return to the place where he did love me and erase what I did.<P>We can't do that, so I'm trying to not think about what he says now and show him how much I do love him. Also you may want to try to find a counselor who can help you both through this. We have been to several, and none panned out to be helpful so I'm currently looking for one that is marriage oriented. I am trying to give H his space and at the same time suggest recreational activities to do together. This weekend I'm planning a date (dinner, theater, hotel afterward) and want to 'wow' him (if he doesn't say no to going). The only advice I have to offer is to not think about the painful things and focus on giving him your best and try to rekindle those feelings. I was wondering the same, if those in love feelings my H said he lost will ever come back and I'm going to try my hardest, but like you said, it hurts.<p>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited October 14, 1999).]

sobeit,<P>When I read your post I was surprised to see you are the betrayer. My wife betrayed me. We've been married a few years less than you. <P>i have spent the last ten months trying to win back my wife's heart. It has been a painfully slow process. An interesting thing happened to me in the process of following all the MB principals - I have fallen head over heals for my wife. unfortunately, she does not share that feeling for me.<P>I neglected my wife for many years - not badly but enough to cause her to seek solice elsewhere. <P>I just read your post again, and you sound like me in every detail. She says she won't leave me (I don't get any I love yous). She tries to avoid me too. I want to hug her and kiss her constantly too. Ugh. I'm grtinning and bearing it too.<P>Every question you ask are the same ones I am asking about my wife. I wish my wife would do a fraction of what you are doing for your husband. <P>As a betrayed, YES I am deeply in love with my wife; more so than I have ever been.<P>It's odd that some of you betrayers and some of us betrayed have such a hard time recapturing our spouses love. <P>I feel as though I am reaping from the seeds of neglect that I sowed several years ago.<P>Don't give up. I firmly believe it's just going to take a very, very long time to heal.<P>SHA

Hello Sobeit<P> Hello I just read you thread & I wish my wife would act like you. Did I tell you that I do not blame her for the entire problem I had taken her for granted for so many years? I am lucky right now that she is even staying to try. Of course I want more. I truly believe that my wife & I can have so much more then we did before. I have been having lots of fun doing all those little things for her. Looking forward to seeing her at the end of the day. Leaving little love notes around for her to find. It has been years sense I have done any of those things. I am only praying that she is confused on me & not the OM. But I can't control that. <BR> Your H does not know how lucky he is to have you be the to work on your marriage. If my wife did any of those things I think I would be on cloud nine for days. I am the one wanting to cuddle & share feelings. I go to counseling with here and also on my own. Every day I read the on how to become closer and a better husband. I know that I love her more each day then the day before. That's what is truly scary. I am falling more in love with her & I don't know if she has truly stopped with OM. She says she has asked him to stop. I pray every day that this is true. I must continue to give all that I can until I cant give any more. I pray every day for the strength to just make it one more day. What works well for me is to try little things that make her happy & not feel threatened. Maybe that will work for you. I have also read just keep inviting him to do things with you and let him come at his own pace. Keep coming back here when you need some support look me up I will try & help or at least just listen. I find reading very confronting right now. At least I know that I am trying all things to make it work. Just got to keep trying. But the tears still come every day. I find my self-crying in the office on the way to work & home again. Some times she finds me at night crying, I try not to do that because I don't want her to feel so much guilt. Keep plugging away & I will pray for you & your H to work threw this. <P>Thanks again Sobeit<P><BR>Hug's for you & hubby, please don't stop trying.<P>LotsofHope<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Sobeit,<P>I don't know your story, but from reading your post, I just wanted to share some information with you. Your post indicates that your husband is not aware of your affair. My wife had her first affair about five years ago. She finally told me about it last year. She had another affair this last spring. I wish that she had told me about the first affair right after it had happened. I suspected it, but was afraid to find out the truth. If I had known what I know now, I hope that I would have worked on changing myself and working on our marriage five years ago. I think that it could have saved us both a lot of suffering this past year and the previous 5. I also think that the secret my wife was keeping, in some ways kept her from openning up to me. I think that for a marriage to work, honesty about the affair needs to come out. I can imagine how hard it might be to bring it out. <P>If I misunderstood and your husband already knows then never mind.<P>Anyway I wish you well in your marriage.