i've read multiple posts suggesting that the BS exposes the affair prior to PLAN A. this advice confuses me, because, correct me if i'm wrong, but wouldn't that be a MAJOR love buster? wouldn't the WS be highly upset if he finds out the BS exposed what he was hoping to enjoy in secret or to at least not let many people know? it's one of those unforgivable things, isn't it? for example, to tell the WS friends, family, coworkers, church leadership, and other members? are marraiges actually restored after such exposure? does the WS actually forgive this? or isn't that a bridge that is burned for good? i'm just really surprised that it's suggested to do this before PLAN A. i think it'd be a better scenario to see if PLAN A alone works, no? that way informing half the world about something so private wouldn't be necessary if PLAN A works WITHOUT exposure. after all, it not only puts his business out there, but the BS's business out there too. and people are so quick to judge, sometimes saying the BS must've done something wrong for the WS to be cheating. i'm interested in people's feedback and opinions.

Hi standing! Have you read any of the Harley material? That might be a good place to start so you understand what we are talking about when we refer to "LOVEBUSTERS." Lovebusters are:

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

read here

They are very specifically defined behaviors that destroy the love in a marriage. Exposure, on the other hand, doesn't destroy love, but destroys the affair. [or hastens its death]

Secondly, part of Plan A *IS* exposure. There are 2 parts to Plan A, the carrot and the stick. That means showing your spouse that you are willing to meet their needs in the future *AND* doing as much as possible to put pressure on the affair and create conflict between the affairees. It is my experience that Plan A without both is ineffective.

Here is a good outline of Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Hey Melody, thnx for this response. I'm still a little conflicted about this advice, for my paticular situation anyhow. I've read a lot of Harvey's books, including HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS, FALL IN LOVE STAY IN LOVE, and I've read SURVING AN AFFAIR multiple times, so I'm clear that A's end quicker once exposed to the light. In this case, the A is really not a secret. At least, lots of people are asking questions as to why WS is seen with OW when they also see him with me. They are scratching their heads. But the reason I think exposure would be a Love Buster (at least, that's what I'm calling it even though it doesn't fit into any of the author's categories), is because WS would definitely be "done" and not want to work on any reconcillation after such "betrayal" and "embarrassment." I also think it'd be embarrasing for me. Yes, I know, it's hyprocrtical for a WS to say he was betrayed by exposure when they are doing the ultimate betrayal themselves, but I just feel uncomfortable putting the A on blast so-to-speak. But all the other PLAN A stuff I'll definitely do. PLAN A didn't work before, and then when I gave a PLAN B LETTER, WS immediately ended the A and we got back together and began to work on marriage restoration. But then he had a chance encounter with OW and the A is off and running again. But this time I'm pregnant with a baby on the way, so that's why I don't want to relocate to find a NEW DOCTOR, NEW HOSPITAL and rob WS of opportunity to see son born (baby will be here in two months). But after baby is here for a few months and A still is in full swing, I'll have to consider PLAN B. It *seems* like God is already dealing with WS about ending A but I'm not certain. He's on a roller coaster at the moment. But the exposure thing has always intrigued me that it's so highly recommended because in my case I'm almost certain that would drive WS further into A. As it stands OW asked WS to move in with her and he said no. He hasn't left home and I'm in negotatians (all the PLAN A stuff). Not easy though. Hope this makes sense. Typing really fast.

Standing,

EXPOSE!

Listen to Melodylane. She knows what she's saying.

I did a wimpy job of exposure in my FWW's case, and feel that I am now paying the price.

Exposure to FWW's mother is what finally helped end the adultery, but if I had done it sooner, it may have ended prior to becoming physical. It actually already had become a PA prior to me posting here for the first time.

Do it wisely, but do it swiftly. I know you're new here, but I would follow Mel's suggestions.

It is too early for you to realize this, but you CAN trust her...

Best of luck. I'm so sorry for your pain. No-one deserves this [censored]...

Peace

standing,


Yes, because the A thrives in secrecy and is a fantasy. They will most often blame the BS for “ruining” they lives. All of that is to be taken with a grain of salt. They will also rewrite history. It’s the fog they are in. But aren’t you upset at what they have done?

Some of the stuff you will learn here will seem counter-intuitive; but it works.


You would think so. But Dr. Harley is the best at this stuff and the most successful.


They aren’t restored by the exposure. Exposure usually ends the A. As long as the A is going on the WS is not likely to return to work on the M. It’s the successful plan A and many times a good plan B that gets the WS to realize what they are missing. Then it is the BS that takes a good look at what they did or didn’t do to help create the environment that led to the A and make the required changes. At the same time, the hopefully FWS is doing everything to keep NC, being accountable and making sure they are open and honest about everything the BS needs to know.


Yes, once the M is into recovery.


I would not hold back on plan A while exposure takes place, it can be worked at the same time. The key to remember that as long as the A continues, the M won’t recover.


If you still feel that way, I would suggest a call to the Harleys to set up an appointment for a telephone session. He can help you design a good plan for your particular situation.


Exposure is done only to those that have influence in the WS’s life. Those that they respect and would listen to. They can then help lead the WS back to the M.

Exposure is not done to every body and his brother. IT is not meant to totally embarrass the WS (but it should embarrass them some). I mean what they have done is embarrassing and they are the ones that have chosen to embarrass themselves.

We've all heard this story before. And I tell ya; this stuff works of done right and wisely. Hope that helps.

Blessings.

S&C

Hi TryTooHard, I just want to hear people's reasons, that's all. My WS exposed the affair himself. He put it on blast after he got the OW pregnant because at that point he was going to give up everything to be with her and their baby on the way. Then she aborted the baby which devasted him, but it was too late, he had put the A on blast. OW's family and friends know, his family and friends know. There's no one else to tell. So it's not that I'm not listening to the advice, I just don't see how such a blanket action can apply to EVERYONE'S situation. I think some of these tips need to allow for people's unique situations and dynamics of the persons involved. Just my two cents.

standing,

Your WH "exposure" was no more than bragging. He wants his cake and eat it too. And with you not having any boundaries, he is perfectly able to do that.

I tell you this from experience, get a backbone and stop enabling him. He is a serial cheater at best and he has 2 women that want him right now, pretty big ego boost. And the 1 that did keep his child is willing to let him cakewalk.

Get real with yourself. I know this is hard, but it will be even harder when you have a child in tow and you are returning to this board over and over because you have found additional evidence. And if you continue to allow him to act out this way, he probably won't even bother hiding the evidence.

WS didn't EXPOSE an affair....... What he likely did was tell everyone he is getting a divorce and having a baby with OW....... Probably told everyone what a terrible marriage he is in and everyone thinks it's true! My bet is now he even tells OW's family that you are trying to trap him by getting pregnant.

That's NOT exposure!

Your Husband is out of his mind like every other Wayward spewing nonsense and lies that aroun here is called "Wayward Babble", and I'm sorry you find yourself here and must face the truth!
But,you think your situation is unique.... I'm sorry, but your situation is the same as every one else!

Your tring to use logical thinking with an illogical, out of his mind addict!

Exposure would be explaining to all these people that your Husband is having an affair and YOUR having his baby.... and they will see YOUR truths instead of all HIS LIES!

He is spinning HIS lies while you sit back and accept it, HE will never end the affair until some consequences start hitting him in the face!

Pack his stuff and throw it out the door just like my wife did to me.

Get an attorney ASAP ~ start drawing up what will be needed to protect yourself (doesn't mean you have to file yet) but get things in motion.

Go into PlanB ASAP ~ that does not mean you move somewhere else!

I'm sorry if I seam harsh, I just don't know how else to say this!



This was just my two cents....... It's YOUR reality!


Praying for you and yours!

listen to tst

Wow! you guys are really hard core on here. lol. i have to laugh almost. I actually am very close to WS family members (his mom, uncle, brother, etc). What he told them all is exactly what I told them all. IN FACT, they all said that WS said what an EXCELLENT WIFE I am! His friends have told me the same thing, that WS says how WRONG he is and that I don't derserve the A at all. So no, I do not believe every single WS is exactly the same because I was an eye witness to my WS telling some people about the affair, and he told them there was nothing wrong with our marriage except that he was a fool by spending too much time in a recreational activity with OW and fell in love with her. He doesn't make me or our marriage look bad. It makes him upset actually if I try to say the A was my fault; he says he is completely responsible.

Also, don't forget that he exposed the A over a year ago, so it's very old news. There's no one left for me to tell who doesn't already know. We began recovery in November 2007 once he broke off the A and then he had contact with OW in March because we did not take the extraordinary precautions to prevent contact with the OW.

I'm very clear about the reality of my situation and have read all of the author's books, and read Surviving the Affair multiple times. It's how I found this website. As cruel as WS's are by their behavior with A's, we have to keep in mind that even God leaves the 99 sheep to go after the one stray sheep. Plan A (and Plan B) should also involve PRAYING for WS. As sinful and outrageous as they are, our tough love should still include praying for the WS's out there to come to their senses.

Anyway, I don't mind other people's opinons (it's why I posted my question) and I don't mind other people's personal convictions; just please don't attempt to push your personal convictions on everyone and every single situation. I know your motive is help and "protect" people but don't assume everyone isn't living in the reality of the situation or that every single WS is identical to the other. It's unnecessary to write as though the other person is a stupid idiot. Sure, my WS exposed the A for the WRONG motives, but nonetheless, he did bring it to light and many of the people contacted me to make sure I'm okay. Anyway, I must go now.

Here's how you expose an affair:

"My husband is still involved in an active affair with OW which is destroying our marriage. I am fighting for my marriage and am asking you for your support. Please help me by not supporting him in any way."

Standing, have you done THIS?

If not, exposure is not complete.

You see, exposure is not just about ratting out the affair. It's about making it clear to people of influence in your WS's life that YOU are NOT done with your marriage and you ask for THEIR support.

Dr. H recommends women Plan A for about 6 weeks only. Then he recommends Plan B.

Right now, you are continuing to enable this affair and are supporting your WS in cake eating.

If you want this affair to end, your best chance is Plan B. If you don't mind it continuing as it is, then do nothing.

Standing, you are convinced your situation is special and unique, and so you don't need to work the Plans as Dr. H designed.

I'm afraid you are living in denial or in fear. Either you are refusing to accept the reality of your situation, or you are paralyzed by your fear.....

I've worked with a lot of drug addicts in my life helping them and their spouses. You sound an awful lot like all those spouses who think THEIR situation is unique. They continue enabling their addict because THEIR addict is "so different". What they refuse to accept is their best efforts have gotten them absolutely no results.

The same as your best efforts are getting you now.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I don't think you have time to play. I think you need to follow Dr. H's plan of action immediately. If God led you here, as you say, why are you bulking at the help He's offering through all these people?

tst,


I agree with you about this. They may know about the A; but they may not understand what it is doing to your M. Those that can influence it need to know.

Also, tst, if you don't mind, the time frame for plan A on this board seems to be open for debate sometimes. So if you could, would you mind referencing where in Dr. Harley's material it states that women should only plan A for about 6 weeks? This will help keep any debates from helping standing. It will also help me find it so I can point it out to others that I might be helping.

Thanks.

S&C

Standing,
my WH too never denied to his family that he was the one who had walked out, nor did he trying to lie about me to his family as they all know me well and all believe I am the best thing to ever happen to him, so your WH isnt that unique.
I plan A'd for 2 months, 3 weeks and 4 days. Just before I went away on a holiday with WH overseas I wrote and posted a letter to OW parents about the sitch. The resulting arguments OW and WH had, plus something very nasty OW wrote on my bebo page directly contributed to my WH coming home.
If I had known it would have happened like that I would have sent the letter the day I found out about the A.
I am happy to direct you to my letter, its on my dark lildoggie thread.

BTW, I was 2 and a half hours from posting my plan B letter to WH when he asked to come back. It was that close.

I must not be communicating myself clearly enough. People seem to be assuming somehow that I'm saying or thinking that my case is super special. All I've said is that in my particular case the WS did the exposing first, that's all. Most WS's aren't the ones to let folk know they are cheating first. He told me, then the other people. Once I found out I actually called all of the groomsmen in our wedding. My rationale for doing this is that those were men he picked who were his closest friends to witness his wedding vows so it made sense to me to make sure I told all those people what was going on. I really didn't have to ask for their support because they gave it. I still have their support now because absolutely *NONE* of them agree with his actions or the A and have told him so. He really doesn't have ANY support to be honest except from the OW. No one thinks what he is doing is right, especially his family. His mom is really unhappy with him. So no, I don't think my M or my WS is a special case; however, for some reason it seems very hard for a few people responding to me to accept the fact that WS exposed the A himself. Apparently a lot of WS's don't do this since it's so hard for you to believe.

And for the record I already did Plan A and Plan B. It's how we got back together after seperation.

As for the time period for Plan A, I did it for 3.5 months, then in November 2007 I gave H a Plan B letter and that's how we got back together because he didn't want me to move. This time around I'll only be doing Plan A for 2.5 months because I'm waiting to give birth. After much prayer and consulting MANY friends and family members, I'm simply not going to move BEFORE I give birth. No way am I giving birth in a strange state with a strange doctor and no friends or family who can be there with me. This is my first child and I'm already nervous about giving birth as it is. After the baby comes out, then I can proceed with Plan B, which will be perfect timing since Plan A would have been in progress for 2.5 months at that point. So I'm right withing the suggested timetable for Plan A.

Ya'll, I only very recently found out that H had a relapse and contacted OW after four months of M. He ran into the OW and couldn't (or wouldn't) resist the temptation to call her which the book also discusses. Relapses during M recovery seem to be normal, unfortunately. But this time around there seems to be major trouble in paradise with the OW so the A may be about to die its natural death which the book also discusses. The realities of the A are making both APs very unhappy. Hopefully it dies the next few weeks. If not, then I will vanish; I aleady have a mutual couple who will act as the point of contact if he needed to contact me about anything urgent since I will not be disclosing my location or contact information to him.

I find some people to be a little judemental is responding. But like I stated starting this response, apparently I'm not articulating my story well enough... which is probably because I didn't even intend this thread to be focused on me or my story; I was simply gathering people's opinions about their reasons for encouraging every BS to expose. Then somehow people started making it personal about me, perhaps not realizing I was already into recovery after the sucess of following the book's suggestions.

Well, I think that is where the misunderstanding lies. It is not a "betrayal," adultery is a "betrayal." Exposure is a good thing because it kills the affair. If someone is engaging in self desructive behavior, are you betraying them if you take steps to stop them? Of course not.

So, it is not a lovebuster and is not a betrayal.



Shouldn't a person feel embarrassed if they are doing something embarrassing? That is a good thing, not a bad thing. It is a sign of a CONSCIENCE facing the consequences of his behavior. You do the WS no favors by protecting him from theconsequences of his behavior. That is the only way people CHANGE and so you harm them if you protect them from the consequences of their behavior.

Reconciliation is much less likely to even take place if you don't expose because the affair will have been enabled to continue. The affair is the greatest threat to your marriage, not potential embarrassment.


Plan A only works 15% of the time, most often folks have to go to Plan B.

I don't remember seeing it written on the site, but hearing him say it on his radio show so you might want to search the radio archives. He recommends a very short Plan A time for women. With men it is much longer and I am not aware of him ever changing from the standard 6 months max, or earlier if needed.

Standing, once the baby arrives it will be dificult to begin a serious plan B. You cannot go into hiding with a new baby, it will be considered kidnapping. Your H will have every right to visitation and you cannot legally withhold your location either once you have a child.

That's why on three of your threads some are telling you that right now is your best time to plan B.........and to Re-Expose.

Plan B is not just a letter.....



Your Plan B needs to include conditions and actions for re-entry back into your life this time and the recovery of your M if the A ends or you will repeat the above cycle again.

Read the recovery sections of Care, Protection, Time and Honesty in any or all of Dr. Harley's books. Have a plan for recovery ready this time around.

Here is what Dr Harley had to say about it: