I have been lurking on this board for a while and the main reason I register today is to make this post to you.

You have gotten different advice and opinions on what you need or should do about the situation. While I might agree with certain advice and disagree with others, I think this decision is very personal and only you know what’s right for you. With that being said, you should make an informed decision. Your case is somewhat different than some others because you personally witnessed of the act and a pregnancy resulted from one of those acts. There is an issue that I have not seen anyone mentioned so far, so, I’ll address it.

You have said that if she slips again or if she is not as committed as you would like, you’re out. That’s completely understandable. However, have you ever thought about what if she is committed now and not committed say 2 or 4 years down the road?

Let’s think about this logically. Here is a scenario I would like to give you to help your understanding on what can happen:

From now on, your wife is “very sorry” and you, though painfully, but very willingly trying hard to work on the marriage. Her pregnancy was difficult on you emotionally (seeing her carrying her OM’s child), physically (your taking over some household duties that were usually hers) and financially (cost of having a child and her inability to obtain a job while pregnant and months past birth), but you are willing to sacrifice, because you want to work on your marriage. Four years down the road, after thousands and thousands of dollars (and countless hours) spent on diapers, baby formulas, clothes, toys, doctor visits, etc., the “very sorry” stage of your wife has worn off. Because of the daily reminder of her affair that you have to face, it takes a toll on your marriage. Enough time has passed, in her mind, it’s no longer her fault anymore; instead, it’s the fault of both of you that you’re unhappy and that she’s unhappy. She started to feel the need to seek attention from another man at work and started having lunch and calling a male co-worker all the time. You found out through phone record and she said they are just “friends.” You demand that she stops having lunch with him and stop calling him, but she is unwilling to give up this “friendship.” You are not sure what she has done with him or what she will do with him. Now, for you, enough is enough and you decided to seek divorce. She is fine with it and now, she is seeking monthly child support for this OM’s biological child and YOU HAVE TO PAY THE MONTHLY CHILD SUPPORT UNTILL THE CHILD REACHES AGE 18. If this scenario does happened, you will end up without a marriage you have trying so hard to repair AND end up paying thousands of dollars for a child that’s not yours and there is a chance that you may become unwilling and resenting to do so. This can’t be good to you personally and emotionally adding to the additional betrayal of your wife and failure of a marriage.

Many states (I am even tempted to say most states or even all states) use the “child’s best interest” theory to determine child support when it comes to situation like this. The fact that the child is not biologically yours does not matter EVEN if you didn’t know that the child was not yours until divorce (shocking, I know), which is not even the case here because you knew all along. If you have been the father for this child so far, the court will MAKE YOU continue to be the child’s father, at least financially.

What should you do? Since there is so much uncertainty, so much betrayal, so much time, effort, and money needed to raise a child, I strongly suggest you to consult with a local attorney.

You should discuss with your attorney about the option to seek paternity test from the OM and demand child support. Not doing this could cost you tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars over the next 18 years. What’s the downside to this? This gives the OM the right for visitation (or custody) and even opportunity to interact and start up another affair with your wife. The NC for life rule will be hard if not impossible. If you decide not to seek child support and decided to raise the child as your own and willing to pay for it and all, even if the OM find out about the child, most jurisdiction disallow him to challenge the paternity of the child. In most states, it’s a presumption that a child born within a marriage is the biological child of the husband and the only parties have standing to challenge this presumption are the husband and the wife and no one else.

Another thing that you might want to discuss with your attorney is a postnuptial agreement. In this agreement, in case of a future divorce, you will get X, Y, and Z (you can get creative here), and you may even ask for not paying any child support to this child, though the court might hold this to be invalid due to its pure intent to contradict to a public policy, but it might be worth exploring.

I must say that I feel somewhat conflicted by giving you such advice as it might not serve the “best interest” of this unborn child, but, at the same time, I think you’re the innocent party in this mess as well and you should have the right to make an informed decision.

I think, as cheesy as it might sound, it would be very heroic for you to accept this child as your own, but you don’t have to, you’re just human.

Runnerboy65, I think whatever you decide to do is fine as long as you are making a well-informed decision based on facts known to you and based on your knowledge about all the possible outcomes of that decision.

Another thing I need to mention is that you need to find out whether your wife is depressed or even suicidal or not due to the rejection from OM, the pregnancy from an affair, and maybe even your asking for a postnuptial agreement. If she is depressed, she needs to seek individual counseling immediately.

This is a very good post. Excellent advice.

Although I think RB has thought of all of this. It is nevertheless an excellent "Heads up" to him. One never knows if someone in his position has thought of everything.

Excellent advise.

Another thing that I thought about was any medical issues that might arise due age of mother.

I have a feeling that he read this but doesn't think certain steps are necessary to protect himself. I hope he is right.

I concur ... originally I posted to rb65 and thought we had a very good dialogue and were relating well with each other. He was taking positive actions and making progress. However, all of that changed once he discovered the pregnancy. After that, I see a much more "beaten down" BH, who is trying to graciously come to terms with his circumstances, while repressing his building anger ... I just don't see this one ending well.

Completely agree with this assessment.

Restitution,

Sorry I didn't respond to your post earlier, but I think I may have addressed this on my thread.

First, thanks for the info. I have contacted my lawyer friend who specializes in family law and he did the research for me. I have up to 2 years to contest paternity and demand a DNA test after this child is born. The post-nup idea will not work in my state.

At this point, if we decide to parent this child, I am planning on seeking the paternity test and seeking child support upon the child's birth. I have enough options for intermediaries should OM seek visitation that NC can be maintained w/o much effort. I am leaning towards this path for a number of reasons including many of the ones you have mentioned in your post. But, the main reason at this point is because OM needs to live up to his responsibilities. I don't believe that he will want any contact with this child given his past, and if he does it will be limited contact as he has moved over a 1000 miles away in the past week. Another main reason is to protect my 3 kids in the future. Every penny spent on OC is money that is not available to them if they need help in the future and it could make a substantial difference in their eventual inheritance and all of that's not fair to them.

Finally, to MyRev and all who think I am just bending over and taking it, you are entitled to your opinion. But, please don't mistake my forgiveness for naivity. At this point, I have given her a long and detailed list of what she needs to do to begin to recover our marriage. For the moment she has done or is doing all of them in a manner that has exceeded all of my expectations. She has maintained NC for over 6 weeks(I am checking) and she is actively engaged in recovery. I can't really ask for more at this point.

I am enthusiastically pursuing recovery, but I am also trying to protect myself at every turn.

OM moving 1000 miles away is GREAT news. Now he won't be an everyday menace on your family even if he knows and has visitation rights to OC. Now you don't even have to worry about collecting CS from him.

I expected this, hence my use of a 4 year example. The 2 years rule is the case in many states. However, these things (legal process) takes time, so, you don't want to wait untill the last second.



No surprise there with the child support, but are you sure that's the case with regards to division of assets between you and your wife? Do you mind my asking what state you're in?


I think you're making an informed and wise decision.

I have one question for you though, when are you going to inform the OM about the pregnancy and when are you going to start the legal process of seeking child support? The reason I am asking this is that I want you to keep track of the addresses of his residence and workplace, so when it's time for you to serve him, you know how and where to find him.

No offence Resitution, but RB I would NOT tell the board what state you are in at present.

You have not completely ruled out not telling the OM

loose lips sink ships!

Very true about being careful on the boards. There is also currently a troll on the boards who is not the person they present themself to be.

Be very careful. One of our members has been stalked here, and others have had STBX spouses come to gather posts for court, along with other information captured here.

Just so you know.

edit

**edit**

PLEASE!!! DO NOT reveal ANY PERSONAL information!!!

Not to threadjack, but I sure hope you can warn us about who is trolling. That would be good information to have, for those fighting to save their marriages. I wouldn't expect you to do anything that would be considered a violation of rules, but maybe a hint?

Clues. Nope.

Real interesting reply, nonetheless.

Suffice it to say I watch.

SB

Hmmm, this prolly isn't about me and I apologize for the T/J too, but in the interests of being open and transparent, I was logged on as jayne142 (instead of jayne241) b/c I was on a trip and my laptop power adapter stopped working. I didn't remember the username and password here, my laptop has it stored.

This is me, Jayne241, confirming that jayne142 really was me. The two accounts have different usernames (Jayne241 is more closely associated with my RL name) and different email addresses, but they are both me.

I don't think that's the troll SB was referring to, but just in case...

p.s. - I fully agree that ppl should protect their anonymity, for the reasons SB gives and especially in cases of ongoing or potential D and/or custody battles.

Fair enough, Schoolbus.

Runnerboy, just a reminder that you are being prayed for.

I can only imagine how hard it is for you to try to sort through all the "ifs" and "ands" and "buts". However, I believe you will do the right thing for your family. What that "right thing" is, I don't even know. I'm not certain which of two options I would take in your situation. There are actually a few options which all have positives and negatives.

You are best qualified to know what feels right for your situation. I think I posted to someone else the other day, that going on feelings is very dangerous for some people. But for someone striving to do right and staying close to God while listening for His guidance, I believe He can use our feelings to help us decide between two or more moral choices.

When one eliminates all the choices that He has made plain are wrong, then individual personalities and choices can come into play. From following your story, I'm almost certain that whatever your choice is, it will be a good one for you and your family.

Long story short, we can play armchair quarterback all day, but it's you that wakes up to your life every day!

Best wishes to you and yours.

No, Jayne, not you!!!!!

There are real trolls to worry about! You certainly are not on that radar.

It was easy enough to tell you were you when you wrote what you wrote. You are yourself and don't try to hide it when you write.

The person I speak of logs in and gets new names a lot. Posts and disappears because the mods are doing a pretty good job of catching the new iterations. However, my own thoughts are that he currently has a couple of usernames that are not identified by the mods, and of course is hard to catch, probably using services that hide ISP identifiers.

It's just a shame, that some people find it necessary to do stuff like this. That they have nothing better to do than to stalk betrayed spouses, pretend they are trying to help people, mess around on websites with people who are really trying to regain their lives and marriages. I think people like that are broken, sad, and needy. That maybe if they TRULY found God, they would have a chance to surrender their shame and guilt, and maybe be made anew again in this life to really help others.

It is possible. It happens every day.

I return you now to Runnerboy's thread. Sorry for the T/J.


SB