She did instruct lawyer, I have prove on her cell phone voice mail there was message from lawyer. I sent letter to VP and head of HR. I will be contacting OM and is parents tomorrow, if my information comes through.
I also need to speak to wife’s parents and sister they keep asking w about our situation an its not helping.

Not sure why you think this is NOT helping Bro? Im sure she hates being constantly reminded that she is an adulterer. You want her to be uncomfortable with that choice. Maybe im jumping to conclusions here but just because she is mad doesnt mean its not helping.

Hi everyone

Had period of calm in the house for a few days. W not sleeping very well or eating. She seemed to be doing a lot of soal searching, regarding the children. We have been out for family meal, nice time at home things seemed to be going well.

She has been back to work and I believe back in contact with OM, and she said today "I know we have not been talking about our situation but nothing has changed from two weeks ago, we are just delaying the inevitable" I said I am sorry to hear that and left the room.

What do I say in situations like this?

Also she is telling girl friends of hers about our situation, should I tell them my version of why she wants to D?

Ask her "what exactly did you have in mind?"

If she says she wants a divorce, ask her when she will be filing so you can speak to your attorney.

It is important that she understand a few things, Bro, because if she believes you will be "amicable" [aka bend over and take it without protest] she will be EMBOLDENED. She needs to understand that you will NOT COOPERATE. For example:

1. you will countersue on the grounds of adultery and have the OM called into court as a witness to her adultery

2. you will sue for primary custody with possession of the home, suing her for cs

3. you will not be her "friend." <-----this is VERY IMPORTANT that she understand this, because WS want their BS to be "friends" because it is easier to destroy you if you won't protest

4. you will make sure the kids understand that your marriage is being broken up because of her adultery - you won't allow her to lie to them or whitewash her horrendous behavior

Tell her what you would be willing to do is:

Work on making your marriage a HAPPY ONE with Marriage Builders principles if she will leave her job and pledge to never have contact again. But, unless she agrees to do that, the marriage cannot be recovered.

Thanks Mel

I know what needs to be done, but it seems so final. But at least i am stepping upto the mark and been a man!!!!

nononono, I am not telling you this because I think it will finalize anything, JUST THE OPPOSITE. She needs to know you will not make divorce easy in order to GIVE HER SECOND THOUGHTS. If she knows it will be UGLY AS HELL and she will have to WORK HARD to destroy your family, she will be SLOWED DOWN immensely.

She also needs to know that you are not willing to stay in the marriage as it is. BUT...you will work on creating a happy marriage if she ends her contact. You will not settle for this current situation and will not stay in it long.

Bro -

Just to add to ML post.

Make the idea of Divorce difficult and painful - and make the idea of marriage recovery more appealing.

Exposure does much the same for ending the A.

Need to think strategic now. Have to keep the emotions in check.
She will be hateful because you are in the way of her happiness. In her fantasy - you are replaceable (unfortunately not your paycheck. Your DD will just get a new daddy.

If possible - check into OM to see if there is anything about his background. Need to protect the kids from this POS.

Perhaps a meeting with WW and OM to find out their intentions - this is war. Friend of mine invited the POS OM to the home and held a family meeting with teenage kids and the WW. Brought everything wide open. Affair ended shortly thereafter. I am a strong believer in stirring up the affair pot as much as can be done. Just an idea.

Not the time to be timid - use both carrot and stick of Plan A.

I am making any thought of D very difficult for W and making a very warm home.

I have known about affair for about 12 weeks now and full exposure is 2 weeks. How long should I do plan A for?

Also how long do affairs last? I know Dr Harley says 6 months from the cool light of day, in my situation is this from when I found out or full exposure?

Sorry lots of questions, just one more. Her friend (only through work for 2 years) who moved away and enabled her to have affair you know gave excuses to go out etc so she could be with OM. She is very influential over wife. Last week when wife was very emotional and really thinking about our situation and I believe thinking of ending affair she met this friend who was back in town. Then wife started going colder towards me and was back in contact with OM with cell phone. Also she is the only person W will contact and discuss our situation with. Our mutual friends and family of 20 years she will only do small talk or doesn’t ring at all. She knows they don’t approve so its difficult for her.
Any suggestions on how to keep her away from this devil of a friend. I have told children and they don’t like her now, but this seems to be more love busters towards wife.

NC for OM and Poison Friend, PF.

Expose PF for being an enabler.

Plan A is for how long you can last. 6 months tops.
Though I have seen were plan A after 1 month has worked.

I fear though your plan B will be weak. It took a lot to get you to expose. Then it was not in on fell swoop.

Plan B must be total darkness with a moderator to pase very limited info back and forth. Such as financial, legal matters.

i have exposed PF, w wanted to take children away for weekend to PF house now they will not go.

I agree my exposure was weak, but it was the best I could do at the time, my emotions were all over the place and I tried my best under the circumstances. I am actually a lot more focused and feeling quite good about myself at the moment and feeling strong. The thought of D or losing W does not frighten me like it did. By nature I am a leader not a follower I was like a dazed rabbit in the headlights prior to exposure. The problem I have now is I keep thinking should I give her an ultimatum regarding OM and if she does not agree to leave him, then I just end it and move on with my life. I have no further prove that she is seeing OM and we are not discussing R and things are quite good in the home. I also keep finding that I am talking to myself, saying what I would really like to say to her about the hurt and pain she has caused, I know this would go against all the basic principles!!!! But its how I feel

Pardner, what you're going through is indistinguishable from the “Five Stages Of Grief” one encounters with the death of a loved one. In fact, there has been a death. One might say the innocence and trust in your relationship with your wife has died and must be reborn for the marriage to survive. You’ve passed through the first stage, denial (the deer in the headlights syndrome) and you’re progressing into the second stage—anger.

Now, I'm one of those people who doesn't think anger is necessarily a bad thing. It has its place and can clear the air like nothing else when used judiciously, and at the right time. I don't think it's wrong to tell the WS how devastated you are and how the WS's betrayal has affected you, and the family. But I believe it must be done almost dispassionately because the WS will not understand any part of it until much, much later. Planting the seed of understanding would be all you could hope for at this point.

Okay, so we agree every betrayed spouse has a perfect right to their anger at the adultery and has a corresponding right to issue ultimatums such as you envision. It’s your right to decide the relationship, and the family, is best served by kicking the WS to the curb and getting on with the rest of your life. There’s Scripture on the subject if you want to investigate that with your pastor. But, listen carefully, Bro.

Do NOT make that decision in the depths of an anger that might be pressuring you further than your intellect would otherwise go. Be absolutely certain this is what you want to do before you do it because (A) ultimatums seldom achieve their desired purpose and (B), they cut off most chances of improving the situation. It’s almost impossible to retreat from an ultimatum and the most common response to one is defiance. None of those is at all useful.

Look, there ARE other things to consider beyond your outrage at the betrayal of the relationship: for instance, three young girls who need a full-time mother to help them grow up. Don’t ever forget them, Bro. They need you to be the adult right now, at a time when their mother has abandoned all thought of integrity and responsibility. So don’t go off the deep end!

If you find at some point in the future that you simply are unable to live with what your WW has done, make the decision to split the family after a long, rational inspection of all the alternatives. My best advice is to find things in favor of keeping the family together until such time as the negatives outweigh the positives.

Bro, if you choose to go on, is your exposure done? Have the children been told (in a calm, age-appropriate manner)? Is there anyone else who might reasonably be expected to have some kind of influence with your WW? Pastor, co-workers, boss … anyone?

If you’re going to proceed along the MB path, then you should be preparing your Plan A. So … tell us what your strategy is going to be Bro. Let’s hear what you’re going to do to make yourself a better person.

If you decide the investment you’ve already made in your marriage is worth saving, then it’s possible to do so using the MB program. There aren’t any guarantees but it IS possible. If you go through this program and apply the MB principles, you’ll come out the other side of this obscene intrusion into your marriage … whether the marriage survives or not.

Hang in there, Bro.

Oh, if you want to know more about the five stages of grief, about the best discussion of the subject is the book On Grief and Grieving by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.


LH

Thanks Longhorn for this post. I am going to carry on with MB principles I want to save my m more than anything in the whole world , its the pain that this causing to my children that hurts.
Regarding Plan A, I am not doing any disrespectful behaviours, judgments, request etc. I am getting a life for me; I have joined the gym and keeping in touch with friends who are supportive. I am trying to arrange family events together, but W is now trying to do things by herself with children. I am also doing more domestic jobs around the house. I am also asking friends to invite us to events as a family.
There are some friends and relatives on both sides that don’t know of situation but they are not close. I have not said anything to om or his family, he is D already, but I know who is ex wife is.
I have also just found out that W has lied, she said she was going out with girl friends to watch a movie, and went to OM house. Should I say something to her about this ? How do I say this without love busting. On a positive note prior to the exposure she was openly doing what she wanted to see OM, now there are no phone calls, texts , or e-mail in front of me.
Also should I speak to friends of W who she has told about our situation and explain my version?

Any advice regarding plan A please

It's your right to tell anyone and everyone what's going on. YOU are the victim here. Plan A doesn't mean doormat; exposing IS NOT LBing! If you know she is seeing OM, call them on it. Shine light on it. Tell everyone who knows her that she said one thing but went to see OM. Let them pass judgment on her.

I have just told friends and family about her going to see other man. i have also told her i know.

She has just said that she still feels the same as she did before exposure. I said its because you are still with him. She said its nothing to do with him so I said if its nothing to do with him finish with him, and we would be able to recover our R. She did not respond and I left the room before I said somthing disrespectful or got angry.

Should I carry on these conversations or is better to let her think about things.

Just had loads of fog bable from W :-

I can't stand you to touch me
I wish i had never met you
Its not about him, its you
I want to be myself
You are not a nice person
I hate it when you are in the house.

This is because I keep putting a spot light on her Affair and she does not like it. Shes screaming like a drug addict. I also told wife how my eldest D has been crying at school because she thinks we are splitting up. She shrugged her shoulders and said she will get over it, I can't believe this is the same person I married she always had values, the lack of thought for the hurt to our children I just can't believe it.

Now you see why it's called fog. They are completely not the same person! Once she gets out of it, and finally realizes what she's done, she will be horrified. If you continue to be calm and loving and firm, YOU will be the person she has to turn to. Be her rock. Be firm. Do it for your marriage. That's all she needs to know. Just like you'd let a 3 year old kick and scream on the floor until she's out of energy, just let her kick and scream and keep doing Plan A. Become the best thing she could possibly choose.

You're doing great! Keep exposing! If they work together, you will have to expose at their work, no matter what it does to her career. You have to.

Thanks Cat, I have exposed at work I sent the letters To HR and VP, also spoke to work friends of W. The only exposure I have not done is with OM parents and I have found it hard to find them.

Her parents asked her not to have any contact with OM and they then said they would support her with any outcome with us. She did this for about 8 days after exposure and was showing signs of withdrawl then her parents went on vacation and PF filled her head with rubbish and she was back in contact with OM. She says its not PA, its not like that anymore.

I have also told her that if we end up divorsed or seperated I will not have any contact with her or speak to ever again if she is still with OM. This seemed to really hit home that there would be no cake eating, she said that this will only harm the children.

If I think she has been ringing him or texting should I say something?

My only problem at the moment is I get angry about OM If I think she has seen him.

We are having a BQ today with some friends round which should be nice and remind her of what she will miss.

How long doesit take to come out of the FOG once you have exposed?

Man, I can see why it's called the fog. Can't she see that she is already harming the children?

Stay strong is all I can say for now

Bro, have you visited the OM and had a discussion with him? I would suggest paying him a visit and asking him "what are your intentions with my wife?" Also, let him know that if this does go to court, which it may, you will file on grounds of adultery and have him called to the stand to testify under oath.

Your W needs to be told this also.

Do you have alienation of affection suits in your state?

And have you tried hiring that PI I recommended to get the OM's family? I don't know what he would charge for that but he is usually very reasonable. You might be able to find out from classmates.com. I am assuming you already tried to find his family in zabasearch.com and www.peoplefinder.com?

Mel

I have been away for a few days so haven't had chance to post.

I have not been to see om I would find it difficult not to get very angry or worse even hit him, the only way I could do this would be take someone with me.

My wife has been dropping hints that she is not with OM any more suttle but intentional , she asked if I was going out on Friday night she wanted to go out with some friends, I said I was ok with this as long as it wasn’t an excuse to see om and I would know if she did. Later she said you never believe what I say. She also keep saying she is not seeing him like that anymore!!!
At the same time I keep getting loads of fog , there’s a farm show that W wants to take girls to but without me and when daughters are asking me to go, she keeps saying I have other jobs to do at home. When I discussed this with her she said “you just don’t get it do you, then she said how long is this situation going to carry on for” I said as long as it takes I still love you and I didn’t get a response.
If I push W about OM I get loads of FOG and it seems to push her away should I do some snooping on cell phone and visits to OM home?