IMO, there's no reason to physically state your feelings yet; just keep doing what you're doing. If she likes you, she'll keep accepting; if not, she'll start making excuses not to go. You're in no hurry, right?

I was simply going to tell her I like her, if that is what you mean by "physically" telling her.

Here's my plan:

Something has clicked in me recently. I hit the gym again today for the first time in months. It felt fantastic.

I will stay a friend for as long as I can stand it and work out like crazy in the meantime. She'll hopefully notice and I can hopefully get results.

Once my case settles and I've lost about 15 pounds, then I'll let her know.

That will be my motivation and criteria. So it will keep me honest and in the gym and motivated!

I saw myself in the mirror today while trying on clothes. Yuck!

I'm motivated again. I've been stuck in the depression long enough. Time to shake it off and live again and get back in shape!

And now I have an incentive. There's a woman I like and want to impress. If it isn't her, then it will be someone else, but I want to look good for whatever the outcome of my trial is!

Yes, that is what I meant.

I think that's a great idea. Incentive is the best way to get in shape. I have 20 more pounds to lose, and then I'm going to get the short haircut I've been wanting for 20 years.

And you can spend this time planning an awesome date to take her on.

That's a good idea. But I take the risk of planning this great date and then having her not feel the same for me.

But I guess I have nothing to lose by trying. I wonder what I could plan for us. There's plenty to do here in DC, so I'll see if I can save up some money to take her out someplace nice one night and then let her know while we take a walk.

Old Town Alexandria comes to mind.

I'll have to keep that in mind.

This wouldn't work for a first date, but my H once took me on an awesome date (we'd been married about 10 years). He packed my swimsuit, a picnic basket with wine and cheese and crackers and wine glasses, and we drove to a place that was set up to give massages, but it was more than that. Basically, it was a house that these ladies turned into a place where you can go into separate rooms (or one room) for massages, there's an adjoining shower, so you can wash off the oils, then you can book time in the living room/fireplace for a romantic meal by the fire with romantic music playing, or you can go out in the back yard to the hot tub, or wander around the grounds, swing on the porch swing, you get the idea. It was so cool. No SF involved, just very romantic.

I think that might be a little too strong for this woman. The idea I have floating in my head right now is to take her on a cruise of the Potomac, which is a 45 minute cruise, isn't too terribly expensive, and the boat goes near the major monuments in DC.

After that we can go to Old Town to Murphy's Irish Pub and listen in on some Irish songs which are a blast to join in on and listen to followed by a walk around Old Town after that. I figured we'd wander down to the waterside and I could pull out a red rose there and finally just tell her that I really like her and have liked her for a while.

I don't know what she'll think of it, but that's the idea in my head for now.

All of this depends, of course, on her saying yes to going on the Potomac cruise. So I must have a backup in case she doesn't want to.

Big risk for me because she's been cool about doing things together but they've always been "as friends".

I would hate to ruin that, but you never know till you try and she's surprised me by saying yes to all my suggestions to hang out so far.

Having a goal of dropping 20 pounds and getting in shape and then doing this eventually is a real motivator for me. Something positive to look forward to once the drama of the court stuff is over.

Someone who is a mutual friend of our recommends the sloooow process.

She says she thinks my interest wants me to hang in there and wait. She told me to give her space and keep going out with her in groups and on friendly dates.

She was encouraging, but suggested I take things slowly because of where my interest is.

I need to give her an online name that is nice. How about PLI? Potential Love Interest?

Perhaps Sally as in "When Harry Met Sally"?

I think I'll stick with Sally. The movie is fitting. Both of us freshly out of relationships (relatively) and just hanging out to be friends.

So Sally it is.

I'll take the film's approach.

Yay! Good for you, pom!!!!

I have to say that I haven't had a crush on someone in a long time. Feels funny.

Does it ever end?

DD5 turns 6 next Wednesday, which is on my scheduled day to have her.

The ex is demanding to spend time with her that day. Having that morning isn't enough for her and she's not willing to take her out for a birthday breakfast or have fun on her drive in to bring her to school.

So she must cut into the only night of the week that I get to spend time with her. The day before and the day after and the morning of are not enough.

So I had plans to make and decorate a cake for her for that evening, invite some friends, and celebrate her birthday with her brothers.

The ex has different ideas. I offered suggestions to her such as the birthday breakfast idea in addition to picking her up as soon as school was out to take her somewhere.

Not good enough. Taking her out of school early last week to take her to Taco Smell and the pet store was ok since it denied my mom the ability to see her, but doing so on DD5's birthday is aparently too huge a request.

So she wants to take her to dinner and return her to me in time to take her brothers and let me do her homework, give her a shower, get her ready for school the next day, and just in time to put her to bed. I'm supposed to celebrate her birthday in an hour and a half while doing all the normal things that need to be done.

We also have very different views about family events. I view them as family events which include everyone. My birthdays were special because I got to spend them with all my family. She insists on "individual time".

I don't know if it's a cutlural difference, but I must subject and submit to her wishes. She won't make an exception to letting her brothers stay to celebrate her birthday with her and insists on taking them.

So she's willing to alter the visitation schedule to suit her views, but not to respect mine or make an exception for a special day.

Arghhh!

I got a lecture about what I said when I pointed out that she had DD5 the night prior, the morning of, and the day after her birthday.

Not good enough. She must cut into the few hours of the weekday that I have her as well.

Does the entitlement ever end? Will she ever see the big picture or ever put herself in my shoes for a second?

If I was in her shoes I'd get up early and make her a good breakfast and wake her up with a cake and candles and music and have her brothers join me in doing this.

Out of the question for her.

I'd look into taking her out for breakfast and bringing her in to school myself instead of using the bus.

Just something to mark the day as special for her, but respect that the other parent had them in the evening, especially since she would only have her and her brothers for a few hours.

Nope. Out of the question. I'm instructed to suck it up and any suggestion I make otherwise is labeled by her as dictating or being controlling.

Soooo. This board is my sounding board of sanity. Could you guys pull out the 2x4s and tell me if I'm wrong?

What if your reply to her is a simple "no, thank you, I've made plans with DD5/6 for that evening."

Why do you have to give in to her demands?

What does the visitation schedule say?

Fox

I've been trying hard to not get upset about yesterday. It's another instance of: Ask pom for a suggestion. Pom gives suggestion. Suggestion isn't liked and pom is accused of not coparenting, being difficult, being unreasonable, etc.

So pom is then TOLD how things will be and pom is expected to smile and nod.

Pom is getting very tired of being told how to spend his time with his children. Here's our exchanges over all of this. I'll spread it out over different posts so they are easier to read:

Exww,

I know you'd like to see DD5 on her birthday and spend some time with her. The time available is obviously limited for both of us.

I think DD5 would enjoy a special Birthday Breakfast with you before school and you could take her in as a car rider that day.

I know it's my day, but I'm also willing to offer part of the afternoon time if you wish to pick her up as soon as school ends and get her back to the center by 5:30. This would give you about two hours to spend with her and you can spend breakfast time with her as well.

I have friends and family coming to my house at 6 PM to have cake with her so please bring her back on time to the center if you choose to do this.

This is the only really workable suggestion I can think of and am willing to hear any ideas you may have. What I suggest is what we basically did last year and what I would do if it wasn't one of "my days".

Pom

Her reply:

Pom,

Her birthday is not one of "your days." In our consent order, we agreed to both of us spending time with her on her birthday. You unilaterally arranged to have people at your house at 6 without thinking anything of her spending time with me on her birthday as well. It is not my fault that you arranged that without talking with me first to work out something for her birthday. Special times and holidays override visitation. You don't just tell me you want her home at 6, period.

That is not working as coparents. Birthday breakfast?? Give me a break Pom. You took off early last year to see her by your own suggestion, because you could and you wanted to spend more time with her. I don't have that same ability and you know that since I have taken off so much time in the past. Keep in mind she left work early last week to take DD5 out of school to take her to Taco Bell and a pet store to deny my mom the ability to see DD5

We are both supposed to be able to celebrate a bit with her on her birthday and no, having a quick breakfast with her before school is not celebrating. You made your arrangements with no thought to DD5 spending any time with her other parent on her birthday. Did I not suggest a birthday breakfast in addition to 2 hours in the afernoon?


You have her the weekend after her birthday for a party, just like I will do her stuff the weekend before...and I have asked to arrange two hours of the day to spend with her mother and two hours with her father to do something special on her actual birthday.

The arrangement you have offered is ridiculous and I don't agree with how you have "told" me things will go that day. I am trying to work with you here, but again, you arrange things unilaterally, make your plans, don't talk to me about working out something that day, and then expect me to follow as you say.

I am open to your next suggestion since you didn't like mine of spending two hours of the evening with me and two hours with you before spending the night at your house. Please send me another suggestion because I do not agree that a "birthday breakfast" is special for her and not something I can do in the time before work.

-Exww

My reply:

Exww,

I didn’t think that her birthday was to be treated like a holiday that overrides the normal visitation schedule, especially since you treated it as if it were one of “your” days last year when it fell on one of your days. I hope we can add more clarification to this in a clarified written agreement when we meet for mediation this July Xth.

Here is what I suggest for her birthday next week: You pick her up at school whenever you want and keep her for however long you feel is appropriate, considering that the agreement states that we shall both spend time with her that day, what her night-time routine is, that it is a school night for her, and that you will see her Tuesday, Wednesday morning, and Thursday.

Please let me know what time you will be bringing her to my house. Please also let me know if you will be taking the boys to celebrate with her and if you plan on letting them stay the night with me that night.

Thanks.

Pom

Her next rant:

Pom, you are going a little overboard on your email here. I asked for enough time to take her out (basically to grab something to eat) on her birthday and bring her back. You then go overboard with asking if the boys will be allowed to spend the night, etc. Every time I try to deal with you on things you blow them up... I asked for 2 hours of time that day! I did not treat her birthday last year as "my day." You let me know last year you were taking off early to spend time with her and I simply asked you didn't pick her up before lunch time so she could have cupcakes with her classroom that I had brought in...I didn't ask you to leave early that day, you called and told me you were going to, so I took the evening after you were done.

I did not ask for a change of visitation where she wouldn't spend the night or anything like that, but only 2 hours of time (I only get to see her and her brothers for 4 hours total and she want to take half that) because I don't have the ability to take off randomly like that as easily as you have recently.

I can take her out for a bit and bring her back to you when I pick up the boys that night (earlier than the normal 8:00 pickup time if you want)...then you'll have a couple hours to give her some personal time She still doesn't understand that my concept of family doesn't mean singling out a child but celbrating things as a family on special occasions. and you have them that weekend to celebrate with all of them if you have a party or something. I think she would enjoy a couple hours with each of us that day as the center of our attention.

Pom, just like at Xmas when you told me I see them all the time so I should just let you have this day or that, because they live with me doesn't mean their special times like birthdays or holidays mean any less or that I would want to do anything less for them on those days than you would.

Please stop asserting that because they live with me days X, Y or Z that they shouldn't spend these special times with their mom as well. I will pick her up around 5:30 from daycare and try not to take too long to grab a bite to eat and get her back. I don't think that is too crazy to ask. Was I asked or just told?

What is the earliest you would like me to bring her back since I need to pick up the boys that evening? (otherwise, no earlier than?)

My response (It's almost over, I promise!):

Exww,

Take her out for however long you feel is appropriate given that it is a school night, she needs to eat dinner, do homework, get a shower, and hopefully spend some time with me and her brothers.

Let me know if I need to give her dinner at that time and I'll have it ready for her when you bring her back.

The request to keep the boys was in the hope we could spend time together as a family on her birthday.

I will have the boys bathed and fed when you show up since you're not willing to let them stay.

Pom

Her final rant and my marching orders:

Pom,

Are you even listening to what I'm saying at all? Just as I have this weekend before her birthday to celebrate as a family, you have the weekend after her birthday to celebrate as a family. The actual day of her birthday is a time where we would both like to spend a little time with her to make her feel special on the actual day (since it falls on a weekday).

I was trying to suggest something that wouldn't change up their schedule again right now. Her homework is completed in her composition book. She can eat during her time with me, and she regularly stays up until 9:30 or later at your house on Wednesdays.

If I pick her up from daycare at 5:30 and bring her back to your house at 7:30, you will have at least two hours as well on her birthday to give her some special attention and all she will need is a quick five minute bath. I even said I would try not to take that long but I did want to do something for her that day, that's it!

I'm sure during your weekend with her you will get plenty of time to celebrate with her and the boys just as I am the weekend before. I was trying to work the best and easiest option for her actual birthday day. Lately, after I have picked up the boys at 8:00 on the last two Wednesdays, you have headed out to Dairy Queen with DD5...maybe this is something you can do since I would be there even earlier and she would get your personal attention for a bit...just a thought.

I will take her out for a bite to eat with me and will try to get back as soon as possible...please let me know if you don't want me to give her dessert if you were wanting to do that.

Again, am I being asked what to do or am I being told? Who is obsessed with control? She wants to take her for a bite to eat, but the morning "Birthday Breakfast" is aparently not good since it won't cut into the few hours of time I get with the kids. Someone, please provide me some feedback on if I'm being unreasonable. These are her words so you can judge for yourself.

Thanks.

I think you need a check up from the neck up!

XWW is playing you as the pro she is. Do you not see it.

You do not let her draw you into discussions with questions. This is how she turns things into debates.

This should of been handled with one email.

Dear XWW

It is not your day to have custody. I want my scheduled day with D. Unfortunatly when people divorce they lose some special days every year. XWW, you made the choice to have an affair, divorce, and not recover the marriage. So days will be lost by the both of us due to your choices.

Any XWW response to your answer would be to simply resend your original email with a new date when you respond.

Did you see my responses? I didn't exactly go on rants or get into an argument with her.

My point is really to show her mentality and sense of entitlement and complete lack of sensitivity to the fact that I don't see the kids anywhere near as much as her and she wants to take the little bit of time I have.

Hey Pom,

Look at the bright side, you've picked up 2 hours of visitation with all your children on their birthdays, no matter what day their birthday falls on.

For now, that will more likely fall on weekdays they are with your X wife and you now get visitation from 5:30 to 7:30ish with them. If it's on her weekend, 2 hours sometime is the deal.

You should kindly respond somehow to document this "change".

As far as her emails, I particular like the part where she whip-saws you by indicating she CAN take the boys early when she drops off your daughter. Thus, the earlier you "demand" her to show up the earlier she cuts off your visitation with the boys. Very manipulative.

I know if you were primary custodial parent you'd be much more respectful of the limited amount of time your children get to spend with their mother. I also know her position seems completely reasonable to her, which is why she shouldn't be trusted with primary custody duties in the first place. Her self-centeredness and entitlement won't ever stop and I pray your judge is, someday soon, able to see through it and make a difficult decision to change the custodial arrangement. She even states in her email that YOU have more flexibility in your schedule. What a nice admission. Your children NEED a flexible dependable parent whose idea of co-parenting is not "do as I say and we'll get along fine".

Mr. Wondering