My husband and I have talked some since it came out that he was trying to meet other women.
And after all the things that have happened in our marriage I don't think there's really a point to this, anymore.
The other day I felt the opposite - I felt like we *could* work things out. So does he. And in efforts to try to do so he's started being truthful.

Well, truths suck. They just freaking hurt. And every day, every conversation is something new. Something MORE hurtful and I'm hurting worse, now, than when I found out he was wanting to shack up with other women.

So I'm thinking it's just completely over.
But how can I move on? I'm a Sahm - I havent' been in the workforce for 5 years. I only have a GED and one semester worth of college classes. I no longer have many work-skills that could afford me to take care of all of our 5 kids as a single mothers.
So I was actually thinking of staying with my husband purely to be able to focus on going through college. 2 of our children are from my previous marriage. While I know that my husband will want support the children we've had together I know he won't want to support his stepchildren. So that would be completely up to me.

Is that wrong? To continue a failed marriage for a few years so I can plant my feet and get ahead in life?

I was thinking that perhaps, during that time, things could get better but I doubt it. Though I'm always willing to say it's possible - and that would be great.
But if things don't work out then divorce is just what we have to do. But I don't want to be a single mother, again, I don't want to be struggling to raise the children while my ex runs around and has an awesome time.

Is it wrong for me to want to *not* suffer financially and to, in all due honestly, lie to my husband about wanting to be with him?

I don't see this as an either/or. You can stay with him, see if your marriage improves while going to college.

Now, when all the ugly truths are being revealed and you are reeling from pain, now is not the time to make a major decision. The pain will get better.

Are you two working with a marriage counselor or your pastor? It's really important that you have some help in processing what happened, and that he has help and a plan in changing the marriage. MC's are great in being able to control how much information you get when. Probably, your husband shouldn't being overwhelming you.

Also, keep in mind, that sometimes people lie to make what they've done worse than it really is. I suspect this is especially true when they are having a cathartic experience such as your husband.

Have you read the materials here on the main site? If not, please do so. Ask your husband to read them too. The most important aspect to saving your marraige is to have a gameplan. Otherwise, it's too easy to fall back into old habits which lead to unhappiness.

Also, if your husband has a sexual addiction going on, or something like that, he'll need help to overcome it.

It's a good sign he wants to save the marriage. You have so much to lose, why not give it one last shot? And while you're giving it one last shot, look around and figure out what you want to do as a career. What are you good at? You may not need a college degree. You may need some other kind of training.

One thing is for sure, with 5 kids, you are awesome at managing multiple tasks, leading, training, time management and logistics. Oh, and did I mention people skills? Nothign like parenthood for developing communication and people skills.

Regarding the disclosures:

Perhaps you could suspend discussion about what he's done for a week, and instead ask him to write up a list of EVERYTHING that you feel you need to hear. Provide him with parameters that are very explict.

Then at the end of the week when the list is complete, perhaps you can set aside two hours to talk about this. Not only do you get a mental/emotional break, but also then hopefully you'd get disclosure once. It's more painful when it's drawn out, as I think you are finding out.

OR

You could simply decide what sort of information do you need to know. You don't mention if he's cheated or simply had the desire to cheat. If he cheated, what's the bare amount of info you need? The number? Was it safe? etc.

My husband is a an addict, and I still don't know how often he acted out. I also don't know the details of his acting out. I personally don't need to know, and if I do think about the details, the pain comes back. It's enough for me knowing my husband is an addict. (Not saying yours is, I'm just saying limited knowledge for ME is OK. Knowing every detail would paralyze me.)

I feel that if you didn't still love your husband it would not hurt so much to hear the things he has done or thought.

There are many women and men who would love to be able to ask thier husband or wife a question and get an honest answer. Now just may not be the time when you need to hear everything.

Give yourself some more time. Don't do anything you will regret later.

Thanks for your time and responses.

You know, if he is willing to change then I am willing to work things out.
But if he isn't going to make much of an effort - even when he says he wants to change - then I just want to move on.


Every few days I'm finding something new about him. And the most recent thing is that his first marriage came to and end after 9 years of endless abuse - his ex wife filed an order of protection against him.

I see why he would want to hide and lie about it. But even after all these things have come around between the two of us that we are trying to work on you'd think he'd have offered up that truth on his own.

Ah well. I did make a promise to him that whatever truths I find and that he tells me I'll just dope it off to it being his "past" - but only if he keeps to his efforts of becoming a new and better person. (and we agreed on this with our marriage counselor, btw, she thinks it's a proper balance)

Now - he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in the last 2 weeks so this is a good sign. I get a feeling, after finding out more and more about his past, that this is a very new thing for him (sobriety).
And he's make a very conscious effort to change, too, it's hard, I can tell, but he is trying to be respectful of me and the children.

So, yes, after a life of lies and abuse i'm sure it's hard to start telling the truth and being respectful all of a sudden.

Glad you checked back in, Julie.

Something for you to consider is what you definitely will NOT put up with. It's good to know what your boundaries are. Are you and your husband in a good church or something? A spiritual practice can be a HUGE support for someone trying to revamp his life.

Ugh.
And today started out with me cleaning out a closet, that's all..and look where it's led me. All I wanted was a cleaner more organized closet and carport!

So - not only did his first marriage end with a restraining order against him but I read in his official divorce papers that the physical marriage ended when he left her for another women.
Left his wife of 9 years - moved in with his girlfriend and her entire family, not just her.
And then he left that girlfriend to be with me.
What a sick little triangle.

So now I'm just numb. It's good to *finally* know the truth but the truth sucks.
The truth tells me that he's a repeat offender of cheating and abusing and it'll never end.

But why do I still have this stupid girlie heartfelt sickness to stick things out "for better and for worse" and try to make things work out again?

If I had a job and could support the kids on my own I wonder if I would have left already - how much is my lack of options a factor?

Well - I need to set up an appointment with our counselor alone and talk about all of this. I'm not going to talk to him anymore about this until I figure out what I want and what I feel.
I'm taking these papers and putting them away - I'm not going to tell him what I've learned.

Difficult as it may be, unless you have reason to fear for your personal safety, I would recommend talking to him about this. If you're planning to meet with the counselor alone, let him know about it in advance. Otherwise he may feel as though you are going behind his back (which you are doing) to resolve issues without him. This can result in a positive feedback loop where you doing this causes him to have less enthusiasm for working on your relationship, which makes you less inclined to work on it because you see he's not, and on and on until it's spiraled into a black hole of mistrust and disbelief.