Today I engaged in what became a very cathartic experience! No, I'm not the dumpy redhead...that's the lovely creature my H decided to have an EA with for approx. 9 months last year. As you can see, I'm not quite over it yet...but that is not for this thread.
The purpose here is simple venting. I am in a power struggle with H about his need to get a new job. He seems to feel there is a huge gamble and that I should trust him that when he says the EA is behind us...it truely us. Well, that's not on my horizon -- at least not yet. I cannot simply take the word of a man who took advantage of my trust and flirted shamelessly with another woman.
I learned alot during this process. I would have always thought that when a man/woman has an extramarital relationship, physical or emotional, they would 'upgrade'. I always imagined it to be like the affairs on tv. He'd go for the leggy brunette with doe eyes and boobies out to tomorrow. This was not the case. I think that was even more threatening to my self pride. Wow...could he have met his real soulmate? Was this 'connection' he felt with the dumpy redhead real or simply a stupid school boy crush? Yup, he used the connection word. My H always thought he was better than the average guy. He really would look at others and almost silently pass judgement. You know...lines like "how could he do that to her", "what kind of guy would do that if he really loved his wife"...his tune is a bit different now. Now we have rationalization mixed with remorse.
Anyway, back to the dumpy redhead gardening. This is a task that I do not particularly enjoy. I really don't enjoy sweating and behind covered with dirt. But, we're expecting some crazy heat wave on the east coast and I have some ivy that has gotten out of control. Short of using round-up, it had to be tamed. I was trying to find a way to trick myself into getting the job done efficiently and completely. I'm in one of those marriages that when my H sees me struggle with something he takes over and finishes the job. I rarely have to struggle (until now). So, I decided to name the weeds. It became quite an enjoyable task that may otherwise have annoyed me that I was doing. Each section of my garden (which is way to big) became a mission of destruction. Each area gave me a renewed sense of accomplishment when I rid the dumpy redhead from my yard. You see, I believe the EA ended quite a while ago for my H but it still is very much alive in my mind. I am my own worst enemy as I mull over the possibilities of what 'might have been.' I love the bugger and I know he loves me, but I do struggle with the forgiveness thing. I'm not there yet so I'll garden her away instead. What can I do next? I've got 5 lawn bags full of the dumpy redhead...and it looks eerily like ivy & dead plant material. So, there needs to be a new task now. How about dumpy redhead painting? Dumpy redhead recoating the driveway? I bet there are a bevy of ways I can rid this wretched creature from my conscience mind. Now, if only I could convince myself that this may actually work!

BRAVO!!!!!!!!

I love this idea. I am going to try it with a task that I have been procrastinating - cleaning house! I have not wanted to put my heart and soul into a home where his energy has permeated it and he was recently had another EA, even if it only lasted 1 month before I found out.

I love this idea fiori!!! I'm going to use it this weekend on my house and CLEAR OUT THAT UGLY ENERGY in the process.

He's moved on and thinks our M is perfect, I'm not there yet.

GREAT JOB Sister!!!

Sounds great.

What I'd like to do is figure out how to get past the OW's name. It is a common name and I find myself running into people with her name all the time. I don't even want to associate with them...and they did nothing wrong.

I may have to pick up the Julie sh*t in the backyard this weekend (Is it ok to say her name here? Not like anyone knows any of the other names, right?)

HTM

YES...IT'S FINE TO SAY HER NAME!

MY GARDEN RUBBISH IS NAMED PATRICIA!!!!!

I HATE THAT NAME NOW.

Glad my name's not Patricia...

HTM

Aww...don't be silly. I'd just have to call you Michelle or Sandy or something innocuous like that.

Blah, I understand. My OW's name is Heather and I meet people with that name and just cringe on the inside. Usually, I want to hit them (especially if it's a kind of cute young girl) but I manage to refrain.

I think I will name all the crap that I need to get rid of in my laundry/storage room, "Stupid Heather". Haha that makes me feel better already.

Ouch! I'm cringing on all those names..... Michelle, Sandy, Heather..... 2 of them are OW and 1 of them is my name.


My exMIL was named Patricia and she was a red-head. LOL!

I am soooo glad to find this thread. My WH OW is called kelly and I hate that name. It triggers me like you wouldnt believe.
Of course its jolly common and even my personal banker is called kelly. I hate that name.

Apologies to any kelly's here.

You know...since this morning I've found myself chuckling a few times thinking of others naming their horrible jobs after the OW/OM. Actually, this has helped! It turned what could have been a crappy day into one speckled with humor.

I've never been so happy that my name is not THAT common. LOL, I seriously doubt my WH will ever date another one

Yes, all of these replies have made me giggle a little on the inside....and the outside haha. I'm going to name all my crappy household chores The Heathers!!! hehe

Blah, the OW in my life is a skinny redhead who is almost ugly. *sigh* I've never seen her in person and I just saw a recent photo of her. I have to admit that I'm rather insulted.

I agree with you about the insulted part. THis chippy of mine is short, wears rather frumpy clothing and is exceptionally bold. I found her personality to be abrasive. Apparently that held some type of appeal as it provided a 'connection'. So, I think what hurt me the most (other than everything) was that she was dumpy. Hey, that meant there was heart involved, not just below the belt. Mine never engaged physically, but one has to wonder if that would have evolved. Anyway, as I stated in the original post, if she was leggy with extraordinary features I could have chalked it up to a mid life crisis more readily. Hmmm...and you think you know someone.

I don't know. I don't think either way would have felt good.

Don't beat yourself up too bad about her being Dumpy. The latest OW in my H life is OLD and DUMPY and truly sounds like she has downs syndrome on the phone. I didn't get it either.

No explanation will ever make it feel justified.

Work on those visuals in your head. I know you are hurting. Time will heal. Spend that time "connecting" with your beloved H.

Smile, have a great day!

The OW was Cathy, fit because she went to the gym and sweet because I could hear it in her voice on the phone. It's strange I don't hate her or have negative feeling towards her. My anger is towards my husband and maybe I need to start gardening out my frustrations about him - mostly resentment right now. What is it about guys that carry a chip on their shoulder that they want women to notice and be attracted to them? My husband carried that chip until I almost divorced him after his EA (at age 45). He seems to have lost the chip (for now anyway).

Do you think he still carried a tourch for OW? Do you still think they see each other. Did he stop the EA on his own or only when you figured it out and made him? Just curious.

He wanted me to find out. He purposely left the computer on so I could see what he was doing. I don't think he thinks of her anymore. He hates talking about it and he pretends it never happened. He ended it when I approached him about her and we went into marriage counseling. He was still going to the gym before the counseling. I still wonder if he'll do it again. I pay attention to every thing he does to see if there is any sign of straying. I'm resentful and I hate having to think this way in the marriage. I still haven't talked to him but I did tell him I need to spend time with him alone.

I understand where you are coming from. I feel like a babysitter sometimes but I often wonder if it's in my own mind. Whenever H walks around our yard examining the trees (yup, he does it every night) I am frightened that I'll find him hiding behind the garage talking on the phone. Sadly, I found him once on a Saturday morning in our garage chatting happily. Now, the garage is a trigger...can't do anything about that! Last night at baseball he walked over to a construction sight about 200 yards away. I was panicked that he was stealing away to make a call. He says this is not happening and I need to calm down, but it is still happening in my brain. Stupid, stupid man! Anyway, when he asked me if I wanted him to NOT go away on business this week I told him I was not going to be that wife. I needed him to make the decision to go or not on his own. He did decide to not go and I'm happy for it. But, still cautious. Today he has called me several times but always from his cell phone, never his desk. Of course, I imagine he's out on a secret date and simply checking in. Do OW take that kind of stuff by being treated like sloppy seconds? Anyway, my rational brain knows he's at work but the EA brain does not. HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE?????

Dr. Phil says "it takes as long as it takes." I feel like once a husband breaks the trust, it is very difficult for a wife to every truly trust him again. I am more confident in our relationship but I'm not confident that it couldn't happen again. The sad thing is that now I feel if my needs are not met I would be open to looking elsewhere - whereas I would have never considered it before his EA. Do you ever feel like when you husband is really happy - you want to hit him in the head. Not that I would do it, I feel like that sometimes - because he wouldn't be so happy if I wasn't the glue that kept everything together.

I had to dig this out so I could vent for a minute!!!

Asked FWH last night about what OW looked like. His BF had told me that she was old and UGLY and based on how she sounded on the phone, I labeled her as Retarded too. So I've been going around with a vision of what she looks like that matches the voice and what FWH BF had told me.

FWH description of her is that she was tall, long hair, dark hair, darker skin, fully proportioned body (which he likes, btw).

NOTHING about being old or ugly!!

I wasn't mad that he was honest but I was mad at myself for asking because now I have a DIFFERENT vision of her as I commute through her town twice a day (once on the way to work and once on the way home).

UGH!!!!!!