I posted in "just found out" about discovering that my husband was trying to find other women on date-sites.
And he fessed that up and we've talked a lot about other problems that we have, too.
Last night he also told me that yes I am, in fact, the "other women" in his previous relationship.

I'm shocked and hurt.
I didn't know he was involved with someone else.
I didn't know they lived together and that she actually found out about me and kicked him out of her house.
I can't believe that he did that to her. To me, that's just vile and disgusting - and I know that he cheated on his first wife, as well. So it seems that it's just an endless cycle of lies and deceit with him and all my wants to have a real marriage are just pointless.

But yet he wants me to forgive and forget all that and believe him when he says he's never been happier and he doesn't want me to leave him.

What does this mean for our marriage - that his feelings were never real and that none of this is going to work out and I'm just a cheap floozie?

Sad to say, I think it would mean that you have to be ever vigilant.

I think it depends a lot on him. If he continues to look for other women, even if he doesn't want to leave you or for you to leave him, he wants to emotionally (and possibly physically) cheat on you. To put it another way, he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. You have to make it clear that it's either you or someone else, and that if you find him trying to cheat again that you will leave.

Hard as it is for me to give advice like this given my own lack of ability to act on similar advice, you need to know that you need to be in the relationship you want to be in. If that relationship can't exist with your husband, then you have to have the strength to leave it or accept that you will be stuck with something that makes you unhappy. Maybe leaving will be the thing that makes him wake up to his behavior and change, and if it doesn't, then know that you made the best choice for you in leaving him and moving on to a better life.

Would you marry a man like him? NO? Then leave. And find a much better man. He will break your heart.

This is a good example of why it's good to expose. It would've been good if she had let you know he was married.

You know, if you contact her and tell her you hadn't known, and apologize for inadvertantly being the OW, you may find an ally in her.


No, if you didn't know, then I don't see how you are the floozie. He's the one who keeps breaking his vows.

This is either very true, in that he has been cake eating all this time or it is another lie, in that he is still out trying to find something more than you have to offer.

Your marriage has very little chance of success if it is based on lies, secrets and distrust. Is he worth it?