Just another thought on money...I have never allowed money to control me i.e I am not driven by wanting to earn lots or to be a scrooge with my money.I find it very easy to give to others freely..WH is the opposite he is almost terrified of having no money....although he earns VERY well..money almost rules him..

So I know he will be very worried about the maintenance settlement for the kids..all that he has worked for for all these years will slip through his fingers like water.Whats left OP will take and he will be left with very little.Ironic isn't it?

Hi there. Hope you don't mind that I butted into your thread. I've been reading it and have been worried about the last few posts, like you are ready to give up on your marriage. Then this morning, it came to me, it sounds like you haven't spoken with either of the Harley's to help you and one of the things that Jennifer had me do just seems fitting for you right now. Take this for what its worth.

I'm sure you're familiar with the giver and the taker. When you speak of other guys (knowing that you won't do anything) it is your taker, wanting you to be happy right NOW. Jennifer had me do a "WHY" sheet to help put the taker at a bay. The "Why" sheet is all the reasons you want your husband and your marriage and what you need to tell your taker so he doesn't overcome you. Here are a few things on my sheet, keep in mind that I'm a FWW so they won't all make sense in your situation.

WHY
1. You love him.
2. You know him.
3. You like his family.
4. You have similiar interest, intelligect and values.
5. You know that you caused this pain and have to be strong until his wounds have healed - then he can start to give you some of your emotional needs on a more regular basis.

I'm sure you get the idea. I hope that it helps you. Oh, and write the Why's down. When its a good moment its easy to remember your own Why's but when down its harder to recall. Then you can go back and read these. Jennifer also said to read them every day. It will help. It has for me.

Hi Hope,

I do have an intermediary, one that is very close to G-d and a very strong man who will protect me from WH's. If WH has tried to contact me that way it hasn't been an emergency and so has not gotten through at all.

I could speculate why, but it would only get me thinking about WH, which I am working hard not to do.

I am letting my A handle all the legal stuff. That's what he is for. Intermediary is for the emergency stuff only and other than that, no contact.

Actually the ball is in G-ds court. He will provide as we need, all we have to do is have FAITH in what is going on that we will be better in the end.

Hope,

I'm going to keep calling you on this until you and me get this. You don't anything about what WH is thinking, doing or planning. He isn't your H, he is a monster that doesn't care about anyone but himself.

And even one step further, unless you ask him outright, you don't know what someone else is thinking because that's mind reading and most people don't have that talent.



It's also a DJ. Remember, in Plan B, what they WH does or thinks is NONE of our concern. It's not our job to be caught up in a game guessing what or why they are doing something. WE HAVE NO CLUE... And would we want to be able to think like them.

NOT ME.....

Hey JLR, what a great idea about the why list. I think I will do that myself.. Thanks.

JLR I'm always glad when someone new posts to me!!
Most of my posts are me venting...anyway you are spot on ..I'm ready to give up on WH...15 months now....
I am always envious of people that can speak to Jennifer or the good Doc himself.I live in South Africa so its hard to make contact,also if you think its expensive..imagine what its like for me with the exchange rate LOL!!!
I so appreciate you sharing that info with me..I will do it...just worried it will make me want WH BACK..its SAFER emotionally to shut off like I have...no heartache.
Queenie I know what you're saying about not knowing what WH is thinking...I just think that his not in the fog anymore its too long now...and that H must have returned by now...who knows,as you say we don't know whats going on..so therefore I could be right!!!!
I honestly don't care anymore..I use to fret about what WH must be doing/saying now I don't give a damn cos he has hurt me tooooo much.
Queenie I think even if I asked him things directly I wouldn't know if his telling the truth!!!
Now that I am nearly over the worst emotional traumatic time in my life...I look back and see where I was due to WH and I don't know if I could forgive him for what he did to me...and the kids...
I am truely starting to be happy in my life although I still have my moments of sadness.
For me to take WH he would have to virtualy grovel on his hands and knees begging me to take him back...and that won't happen...He will never know what he put me through emotionally so how can he understand what he did to me?
I'M working myself up again!!
Please keep posting I'd like to hear your opinion..thanks
I'm leaving work now...late shift its 10 pm here...will chat tomorrow.

Ok I need to vent!!!

At work today an old collegue popped in the lab for a visit.She asked me how the divorce was going and a good friend of mine piped up,rolling her eyes"its not!"before I could say anything.
I was so annoyed but didn't show it..
This afternoon I was chatting to my mom on the phone.She asked me how much longer is this going to go on for..you letting him get away with not paying you.
When I asked my sister whose my intermediary to email WH last friday about my money she said she wasn't comfortable doing it as she shouldn't know whats going on between me and WH and she didn't want to upset WH.What the f...!!I told her I'd ask a friend to help as she was willing to email WH.Sis did eventually email WH.BTW,my sisters husband cheated on her 3 years ago with her best friend of 20 years and subsequently divorced her,leaving her with a 3month old and 5 year old.!!!!
Anyway when I told my mom this today she straight away said"WH won't like someone outside the family knowing whats going on!!!!
Are they all INSANE!!

I have decided to lie to family and friends and say WH IS paying me and deal with this on my own.They can all f... off!!
They don't understand MB and think I'm in denial or something..they look at me with this pityful look on their faces.
as if I'm this love sick puppy who won't move on..
Thank goodness for you guys...

MB makes so much sense..why don't they get it?

RE: Family & Friends

Your family & friends should never be telling you what to do or when to do it. They are not you and they are not in your shoes. While your sister may think she knows due to her past, every situtation is different. The story may sound the same but it is different - mainly because the players in the dialog are different. If everything really was the same wouldn't we be able to stop pain because we were preventative instead of reacting to what has happened.

I'm sure its been mention around here before but on my first call with Jennifer she asked about my friends - how was it talking to them about what was happening between my husband and I. I mentioned that I know I can't talk to some of them because of their attitude towards our relationship which means I don't have a full support system for me but it is a stronger support system for our relationship. I don't have my friends, who are trying to protect me from further pain, feeding into my taker. Understand?

I'm lucky enough to have 2 great girl friends that support me, my husband and our relationship and are there for me in what I am doing. They hold me accountable and cheer for your relationship. While those here at MB are definately cheering for you, its nice to have that face to face too.

I wouldn't lie to your family/friends about the money, the MB principles work on all relationships, but you can say that it isn't their business and its upsetting when they are not supportive of what you are doing. What you are doing is maintaining love and keeping the door open to reconciliation, to recovery, to happiness. OK, maybe use nicer words but let them know that if they are not supportive of what you are doing to be happy now and in the future we should be talking about other things right now - I need support right now and while you are just trying to protect me, it doesn't. It just makes me sad.

Thanks JLR, I've calmed down now...
Its just so frustrating...
I have one female friend who doesn't judge,just listens...she had an affair when she was very young with a married man and had a son by him,who happens to be my sons best friend...
She is wonderful and very caring and patient with me...I didn't know her at the time of the affair and she doesn't talk about it either,she is now happily married with more kids!!

I was feeling quite emotional after todays incidents and now know why its easier to not care about WH...TO ZONE OUT....AND MOVE ON .....
Its like when a scab forms on a wound (emotionally moving on)than you decide to carry on standing for your marriage and the scab is ripped off the wound and the pain starts all over again!!

Its 8.30pm here so I'm going to have a relaxing bath and a cuppa tea!!!!
JLR I take my hat off to you for working on your marriage ..that takes courage.You seem to have wonderful support which is so NB.
Will chat tomorrow..thanks again JLR for your help and words of wisdom...

You being ready to move on or wanting to move on is one thing. Having friends/family asking you why you haven't moved on and when you are going to is quite another thing. Its not sensative to you.

Your friend sounds great. I too have a friend that had an affair with a married man but never told me until years later - thought I would be too judgemental (see, that alien theory does hold, my best girl friend didn't tell me about her turmoil because she thought I would bust her up too much, and she was probably right) - but interestingly enough, she is the least supportive of my husband and my relationship when things are tuff. I suppose it says something about her but it still hurts.

My one GF has really surprised the cr@p out of me. I hated keeping it a secret from her, when I needed her the most, but I knew that she hadn't spoken to her dad for a few years because of his affair (they are good now but that was not always the case). I was afraid she would cut me out of her life. She has been the best. Ever read Ya-Ya Sisters (or something like that)? Very true - GF's are the best. My MIL has a magnet that goes something like this "A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend was sitting right next to you screaming this is fun." So true.

Enjoy your relaxing evening.

Its been a week since my sis emailed WH about my money.I know he does internet banking around the 2nd of the month so will give him till then.DS15 preferred to go to friends this weekend than to WH...DS18 went though.
WH fetched them from school today as I am working night shift.DS18 advertantly told me WH and clan were going to a family supper at OP's sisters house.It hit a nerve don't know why.
Anyway,I had a great weekend..movies,out for supper, and drinks with friends...NO GUYS!!!!
Karma has a way of coming round...DS15 ran his cellphone account up to R1800.00($180.00).and WH pays it directly from his bank account..its normally R200.00!!!Also his golf club fees are outstanding R4000.00...so the money he thought he'd save not paying me is no more!!MORE STRESS.
My life is ok,friends are great and I joined CURVES,a woman only gym.You most probably have them in USA too.Time to tone up after the weight loss!!!
I just take one day at a time...

WH phoned DS15 and freaked at him cos of his cellphone bill.
DS15 wasn't too upset.DS15 mentioned to me that he had seen OP's EXH and that he had "THANKED him for telling me about the affair cos if he (DS15) had found out he would have killed WH."XH replied jokingly"maybe that wouldn't have been a bad idea"
I was quite shocked that DS15 actually said that to him,just shows the anger in him still.

No money yet from WH...not surprised.I'm working again this weekend so having a quiet social life!!!Kids are starting exams on Monday so hard work ahead for them.

I bumped into an old friend yesterday who's husband had an affair with old gf and they got divorced.2 years later affair is over and WH is living with his brother in a back room!!He hardly sees kids too.My friend has since written a book called "self-transformation'I couldn't believe it she has flourished in her life.She said WH is at her place more than not..They are so pathetically alike aren't they.
My sisters EXH pitches up at her house whenever he fights with his gf.
Anyway I know I will not allow that behaviour from my WH!!!!!
I'm hanging in there...being as strong as I can be..

I think I am losing my love and respect more and more for WH the stronger I become...theres no anger just loss of love that I can't control...sad really.

Still no money!!I bought my tyres with my credit card...working overtime now to pay for them!!I won't beg WH for money.

I had a low day this morning..just felt like nothing will ever change and WH won't come home.My internet is down at home so can only log on at work when working night shift as work load is less..

I am so proud of my boys and the way they take control of things..yesterday they decided to work in the garden..mowed and tidied the flower beds while I slept..I wasn't feeling well...
Its times like this that I realise WH is really missing out on his sons and how they are growing up...

I'm thinking of going to work in Ireland next year to make some extra money...I have an Irish passport so it won't be a problem...I can do a 3 month stint..and just take unpaid leave at my current job.....Apparently Med Techs are needed there...anyway its an option to make a lot of money quickly to give me and the boys a boost.

Its been exactly 18 months today since DDay....
2months in strict dark planB...

I've been watching daily to see you post again and hear how things are going. Chin up girl. Your boys are just as proud of you for how you are handling things too.

I'm thinking of you and pray for your family.

jlr1120

Thanks for being so thoughtful...I did what you suggested...wrote my list of reasons why I want WH back..
I have resumed my stand for my marriage,as hard as it is...at least I'll be able to say I tried everything!!

I don't let WH see or hear me when he fetches the boys.
I honestly don't think he cares...

DS15 went to him today..DS18 is going tomorrow and hopefully WH will be able to fix his computer so I can log on at home..I'm at work now ..9pm here..leaving at 10pm..1 hour to go...I'm making good money so I'm happy!!!

Tomorrow I'm going to a good friends birthday party..should be good fun!!jlr where can I read your thread?

Thanks again for checking in on me...I really appreciate it.

Hey Hope,

I am so glad to see you. Mazel Tov on buying the tyres by yourself. It's a total bummer he isn't giving you money, but good for you on your independence and ingenuity.

What's the deal with a lawyer, how come he isn't helping you?

You sound way stronger. It's awesome to hear you on here. I KNOW it's tough, but you are doing AWESOME..

Good for you to sticking to a DARK PLAN. I know how hard it is.

Hi Queenie,
I have been reading your thread and truely feel for you.You are so strong...My SIL and I have also become closer through this...we never really saw eye to eye as she is very possesive of WH...almost like a dreaded MIl!!!
Last Dec she came to Cape Town with her family to visit and stayed with me as her kids love my boys and they are all the same age.WH was a bit upset..anyway WH invited SIL and her family for a barbeque and got totally trashed and out of hand.She gave him a piece of her mind which of course didn't go down well and he hasn't spoken to her since.

I have been avoiding my lawyer cos I'm scared WH will then push for the divorce.Also WH is paying most of the household bills still.The money that he is not paying me is a sum we agreed to long ago...my lawyer did request in my answer to the Dpapers that he continue paying me that amount.I don't think they can really hold him to it though.Basically I'm too scared to go down the lawyer route cos of speeding up the divorce..I know I'm silly...
WH said his not going to give me anymore money cos I'm stalling the D.He is right in a way..On the other hand,why doesn't he just ask his lawyer to get the D over and done with?Is it the fear of how much money he will have to give me in the settlement?Who knows..
I do know I have decided not to let this go on like this for longer than 6 months more...than it will be 2 years,my cut off point.

In the past,I have always been a keen gardener and my garden was my pride and joy.During this past year I just couldn't bring myself to get stuck in my garden.My DS18 has maintained it for me but it is in desperate need of rejuvanating.He keeps at me to do something about it.I told him gardening is an expensive business and we don't have extra cash right now.
DS18 D-J's at private functions and parties.This morning he did the sound for the local Girl Guides fete in the town hall for free.When I got there he told me a local nursery had donated plants and they were been sold for half price!!Of course I grabbed the opportunity and was able to buy lots of plants for next to nothing!!
God really does work in mysterious ways!!!!
This morning I was asking God for a sign that HE is hearing me and I think I got my answer!!

All we can do is be patient and wait on God to work His hand in our lives..He knows whats best for us...
Its frustrating when it seems like nothing is happening or changing in our marriages..I suppose we must walk by FAITH and not by sight...

My internet at home is up and running again thank goodness...DS 18 told WH that I'd got new tyres and he said good.No offer of money though.
The kids told me that they dropped comments about not having any luxury foods etc at home while they were with WH.!!

Today I have been feeling angry towards WH and have been having vindictive thoughts towards him..I know it won't help anything...I'm just fed up.

The stronger I get the more I think that WH doesn't deserve to have me back in his life.I deserve better.If the affair had been a couple of months long ,I would look at things differently...18 months is just too long,I feel IF he wants to come back now it will be only cos things would have fizzled out on his side and then I would be his 2nd option....not good enough for me ..anyway thats how I feel right now.

When I go out with my friends guys show an interest in me and I realise that I wont be alone if we divorce...so I ask myself the question..do I start over with someone new on a clean slate or do I take WH back and battle through recovery...this is hyperthetical of course!!
This is where my pride comes into things..These are just some of the thoughts that go through my mind.
I went to a good friends birthday party on saterday..
I was quite shocked at some of the married guys who I didn't know well...after a few drinks they were giving me the eye if you know what I mean!!!Are all men born with this weakness!!!or is it just the age they at...40-50.
I wanted to scream at them....
Anyway that my vent for the day...

We may all be born with that weakness, but some of us recognize that it is a weakness and live with strict boundaries. I think it applies to men and women.

The sex drive is the second strongest human desire next to hunger. That's a pretty powerful drive. Doing so requires self discipline and strict boundaries. Our brains seperate us from the animals and let us know that we can't just be running around and "procreating" at random.

So your married friends who gave you the eye show they have poor boundaries.

Ok I need advice badly.

When I came home from gym this afternoon DS18 said I had to fone WH,to which I said no.
DS18 then told me that WH had LOST HIS JOB!!OP had been fired 3 MONTHS ago and was now working from home.WH had a top earning job with all the perks...something he has worked for all his life!!He resigned on thursday cos he was going to be fired.

WH has been telling DS18 over these last few months what has been happening and his story is that one of his reps is behind this and they are innocent!!I am pissed off that WH was telling DS18 in the first place..he is busy writing exams in his final year of school...
I can't believe this has happened...now I know why he hasn't given me any money for 3 months..
When OP was married they had to sell their house cos of financial problems...looks like she's dragging WH down with her again...

WH now wants to open a computer business and he needs to borrow money from the bank...I know he'll want to take a loan against the house and cos the morgage is in my name he will need my signature.If I don't sign he can force me to sell the house so he gets his half in the divorce settlement.
If I let him borrow and his business goes bang we will then have to sell the house anyway.I could put a clause in that the amount he borrowed must come off his half of the money from the sale of the house if it comes to that.

This affects me and my kids future...financially.I can't rely on WH.I am still in shock over this news.I kept telling DS18 to asked WH for money cos its his prom next month and theres a lot to pay for...DS18 was stalling now I know why......so unfair.

DS18 told WH that I won't speak to him and he said I have to...The kids weren't suppose to tell me anything.WH is so uncaring how could he tell DS18 his problems,I was shocked at some of the details WH told DS18 as to what this rep supposedly did...not for his ears..

WHAT DO I DO?????

I'm no expert but my first reaction was protect yourself and your kids. What is the best way to do that?

Then my next thought was, if someone was asking you for the same advice, what would you tell them?

I haven't been here all that long but I've read your thread. I can hear the difference in your posts, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit. I'm sure there will be others here that will give you great advice but my bet is you know what to do and just need that reassurance of hearing it from someone else. You'll learn to trust your insticts.

BTW - wasn't ignoring you the other day. Just have been away from the computer for a while. My thread is "telling the in-laws" but there really isn't much there. Basically I'm a FWW that loves her husband dearly, like other FWS I can't believe that I hurt the one I loved that much and I can understand why my husband is having difficulty knowing if there can be a future for us now. I'm trying to Plan A him as much as I can but he is not always open to love deposits. I see glimmers but it seems like he closes the door quickly. When that door closes I go through my WHY sheet and come here to see if there is advice I can glean from others situations. I'm also learning here who to read and who to stear clear of.