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Yeah, I thought of that too. Maybe I can get a group together to go.
I wouldn't want to do ANYTHING to make her feel justified in all that she has done!
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Yeah, I thought of that too. Maybe I can get a group together to go.
I wouldn't want to do ANYTHING to make her feel justified in all that she has done! No, please don't even try to get a group to go that includes a newly separated female. You are asking for more trouble. I know you are lonely, but your kids and your (happily married) male buddies are the way to go right now!
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Okay...thanks, I asked for your perspective and I understand and agree with it.
What about the other question I asked?
I AM still Plan B...but I'm not holding out much hope at this point for R. Honestly, I think WW will seek R just about the time I go to Plan D.
WW did tell M to ask me if I thought we could be friends again. Of course, I said, "not at this time," but I can see where the silence is getting to her (M said so too). She wants a friendship with the man she screwed over, but is adamant that the marriage is over. Do you guys think she's trying to convince me or herself?
So...what do you think???
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Ab
At this point in time, you are vulnerable. More than you realize. This is not the time to have dinner with a woman who's single or in a troubled M.
R from an A has a timeframe of about two years give or take. That's not just marital recovery, it's personal R.
Protect yourself from sabotaging your efforts here. Do not go to dinner with another woman.
Go out with the guys all you want...stay away from other women for now. We've seen things of this nature happen here and it fixes nothing. It just adds to the trouble.
Stay clear.
BW(me) DDay EA 4/05 DDay PA 6/05 In recovery
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aw3,
I'll differ from the viewpoints.
You know yourself and you know what kind of man you are. I went out with a female friend from my squadron when I was going through my hell.
It was never anything other than friendship and she did it because she thought I was a nice guy and could use some support after what I came home to when I got back from the war.
We had dinner. It was a friendly and pleasant evening where I talked a lot about the craziness going on in my life at that moment.
I wouldn't make a habit of it, but I would be up front with her that you don't think it would be a good idea to make it a habit.
You're too vulnerable right now and the temptation will be there to have a revenge affair.
I say do so for one night and don't do it more after this, especially if you want to reconcile someday with your WW. It would be good for her to know, and for yourself, to be able to look in the mirror and say that you didn't stray.
D-Day 28 Feb 06 Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06 DD6 DS4(Twin1) DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Yes she wants to be friends. Then everything will be ok. The kids will see you getting along and think...gee Mom has a boyfriend and Dad is ok with that....
No you can let her know that you will never be friends. You are not OK with this situation.
BW(me) DDay EA 4/05 DDay PA 6/05 In recovery
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pom, I have to disagree.
If Ab wants his M back, then he should not go out with other women. He IS STILL M...until papers are signed.
BW(me) DDay EA 4/05 DDay PA 6/05 In recovery
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It's okay guys, let's not fight about it. I agree that it would be best NOT to go out at this time.
I will certainly be glad to talk by phone with this person as a FRIEND only. We do have a sense of empathy for one another, but it would be very tempting to find myself just as guilty of an indiscretion as WW if I'm not careful.
I guess I'm just ready for "Closure" (I HATE that term) one way or the other. However, I MUST make sure that I continue down the "straight and narrow" path until such time as a possible D is final. Until then, I'll forget about my urges driven by loneliness and continue to work on bettering myself.
Thanks Again!
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Okay...thanks, I asked for your perspective and I understand and agree with it.
What about the other question I asked?
I AM still Plan B...but I'm not holding out much hope at this point for R. Honestly, I think WW will seek R just about the time I go to Plan D.
WW did tell M to ask me if I thought we could be friends again. Of course, I said, "not at this time," but I can see where the silence is getting to her (M said so too). She wants a friendship with the man she screwed over, but is adamant that the marriage is over. Do you guys think she's trying to convince me or herself?
So...what do you think??? Ok, first of all these types of conversations should not be taking place even through your M. The only conversations should be about finances or the kids. Nothing more. I regret that you didn't post your PBL before you gave it to her, b/c one of the points that is important to make is that you will NEVER be friends w/ your WW. You will only be her friend if she recommits to your M. All waywards want to remain "friends" w/ their BS, but must be told that that is a fantasy that will NEVER take place. Friends don't do what she has done to you, Ab. I don't know what to advise you here, b/c she really needs to know this. OTOH, you are supposed to be DARK. I dunno.
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It's okay guys, let's not fight about it. I agree that it would be best NOT to go out at this time.
I will certainly be glad to talk by phone with this person as a FRIEND only. We do have a sense of empathy for one another, but it would be very tempting to find myself just as guilty of an indiscretion as WW if I'm not careful.
I guess I'm just ready for "Closure" (I HATE that term) one way or the other. However, I MUST make sure that I continue down the "straight and narrow" path until such time as a possible D is final. Until then, I'll forget about my urges driven by loneliness and continue to work on bettering myself.
Thanks Again! Talking by phone is dangerous too, ab. You will be meeting that woman's (most likely) number one emotional need...conversation. Fill her love banks and soon she'll be filling yours (like admiration). It is a slippery slope. Isn't there a hobby or interest you have always wanted to try?
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First off, NC and Not Friends Anymore WERE part of my PBL. Apparently, WW just didn't believe me...
As to the phone thing; believe me, I understand, OM is meeting WW's EN for conversation with their current phone relationship (he DOES still live 4 hours away, for now). I get it...it was just too convenient I suppose.
Believe it or not, I have taken MOST of the advice I've received here. I've lost 31 pounds (217 - 186); at first, by NOT eating due to the depression; but later, from a conscious effort and exercise. I'm working out daily. I began playing golf again. My kids and I swim almost daily. We play video games together. I've really tried to focus on myself and my kids and how we can all improve ourselves, regardless of the end result of my marriage.
I am a better person today than I was 6 weeks ago (has it been that long???), and I have no regrets as to how I've handled this situation in the least. You have been an invaluable asset to me since day one!
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First off, NC and Not Friends Anymore WERE part of my PBL. Apparently, WW just didn't believe me... Ah, ok good! No need to repeat yourself to her then. I agree w/ you that you shouldn't have any regrets. You're doing great, ab, you really are. I think there is a VERY good chance that you will recover your M. Your WW is missing you. Wanting to get her ab fix. Asking about you. And wanting to get her good relationship back w/ her son. Don't give up hope. Just keep doing what you are doing. And since you don't have to cater to WW anymore you get to turn your attention on yourself. Which I suspect you haven't thought much about in a while. YOU. You've got the weekend to yourself, kick back for a day/evening and then, go have some damn fun! 
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MM, Yes, you are correct. I have spent 14+ years ignoring my own desires and catering to the wants/needs/whims of my now WW. Don't get me wrong, I really don't have any regrets about my M at all, but I do see how changes will certainly be necessary for any R to take place.
I'm still baffled that ANYONE could walk away from EVERYTHING they have ever said they wanted...for NO good reason. She now says OM is "just a friend." I'm sure they all say that once they start feeling remorse, seeking now to lessen the impact their A has had.
Oh well, I'm dark and not too concerned. I want to recover my M, but I will insist on doing it on my terms now.
And, YES, I do plan to enjoy my weekend (WITHOUT any dates!). I love my children, but I plan to take advantage of this break I have.
BTW, I just got a text from my son. It read, "UNO!!!" That is our code word for "This Sucks!" It came from my WW's constant reminders to the kids that "You know I love you, right...No matter what, I still love you...You know...You Know...UNO...UNO." It's a running joke between the kids and I. We constantly tell each other, "You KNOW I love you..."
Pretty ingenious I thought...Right???
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I'm still baffled that ANYONE could walk away from EVERYTHING they have ever said they wanted...for NO good reason. She now says OM is "just a friend." I'm sure they all say that once they start feeling remorse, seeking now to lessen the impact their A has had. My WH has insisted from the beginning that he and the OW were "just friends". Blah, who knows what goes on in the wayward head. I'm glad that you seem to be doing better. It's amazing what six weeks can bring, eh? It's been almost seven for me, so I understand completely. I, too, was abandoned overnight with 3 kids, not to mention one on the way. So, I feel your pain, my friend. We just have to keep on doing our everyday thing. Don't you find it nice though to be able to do things that YOU want to do without having to compromise or do them with someone who isn't that into it?
You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.
I pity the fool. - Mr. T
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Actually, these two quotes DO come to mind that I read earlier today:
"Your life's companion shouldn't just be someone you can be with...they should be someone you can't be without!"
and...
"Never make someone a priority in your life when they only make you a convenience in theirs!"
You're right, I actually finding myself ENJOYING the days without WW now...though I do still hope for R (sometimes).
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I think that the concept of "being with someone you can't be without" is the problem with the romantic idea of marriage. The only unconditional love is that between parents and children.
Outside of that, we move on. We can love a spouse with all our love and all our soul, but they can and often do turn their back on us. So the only unconditional love is the one that exists between parents and kids.
We mourn the loss of our spouse, and perhaps we always love the wife or husband we lost, but we lose the love for the wayward that replaced our lost husband and wife.
They're gone. Possibly forever.
We will love that man or woman forever, but they died when they were replaced by the wayward.
No person is deserving of your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry!
Last edited by pomdbd3; 06/07/08 10:48 AM. Reason: Had to add that quote at the end.
D-Day 28 Feb 06 Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06 DD6 DS4(Twin1) DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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She now says OM is "just a friend." I'm sure they all say that once they start feeling remorse, seeking now to lessen the impact their A has had. She's lying about their A b/c she doesn't want to shoulder the blame for your family's break up. She'd rather say there were other reasons for it. But, thanks to your exposure, folks know the truth. And the ripples of exposure will continue to effect her A. BTW, I just got a text from my son. It read, "UNO!!!" That is our code word for "This Sucks!" It came from my WW's constant reminders to the kids that "You know I love you, right...No matter what, I still love you...You know...You Know...UNO...UNO." It's a running joke between the kids and I. We constantly tell each other, "You KNOW I love you..."
Pretty ingenious I thought...Right??? Yup. Very.
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Great Weekend guys! I got the kids back around 2 yesterday...I told the kids to tell WW that they HAD to be back then.
My son is stil the outspoken one. He is losing more and more respect for WW each time she FORCES him to visit or to even speak with her. He went through her cell phone this weekend (she KNEW he was) and found OM's picture, along with dozens of calls to him, most lasting 1-2 hours. And she expects him to believe OM is just a "friend?" He found out the truth all on his own!
In time, she will tire of dealing with him I'm sure. My 10 year old daughter refuses to take her calls (to her cell phone), but is congenial when around WW. She's the type that just can't stand anyone being mad at her. I understand, I've never advised them to treat WW ANY particular way...though I am accused of it!
The baby is just glad to be home. She NEVER mentions WW while she's here, though the other kids say she CONSTANTLY asked for me this weekend.
I'll admit, I am relishing in being on the moral high ground. I know WW's crash IS coming, once OM is out of the picture. Ironically, their current, MOSTLY "phone" relationship is very easy to keep up. I fear that, by the time he maybe IS close by (remember, he's said to be moving here), it will be too late for R.
Being a spiritual person, I just have to trust whatever God allows and know that all of this is in His hands. Perhaps there are better things on the horizon I don't yet know about...we'll see.
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I may actually go out for dinner with an old friend (female) tomorrow night. Opinions???
Nothing serious, just a meal with a lady who left an abusive marriage 6 months ago. Of course I realize that is only her side of the story, but she knows my situation (she heard and contacted me) and that I'm not looking for a relationship. As far as I'm concerned, I don't see a problem with you going out with this lady, as long as both of you understand the situation, and the kids aren't around. I know I'll get some flak for this, but this is straight out of the 180 playbook, and IMO, is much more effective than simply Plan A, and is a good addition to Plan B. WW will get a HUGE wake-up about what life will look like as YOU move on without her. I'm sure you would love a non-kids related conversation with another ADULT about now. You've done a great job of handling this so far, and you've shown your integrity through your actions ... if another opportunity arises where you can go enjoy yourself, and escape from this reality for awhile, then treat yourself to a little bit of AW3 time for yourself.
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Thanks MR. i DID make it through the weekend without the kids...and, without a date!
However, this lady and I did speak on the phone several (2) times, and, you're right, it was stimulating to carry on an adult conversation(not THAT kind of ADULT conversation!) with someone new.
Of course, at first our talk was geared more towards our pasts, but we did eventually move beyond that. I am NOT interested in any relationships at this point other than with my kids. I will NOT be accused of being just as immoral as my WW, nor will I do anything to justify any accusations.
However, I see nothing wrong with having a new friend..especially one removed from the current drama. This lady does know my WW, but they were merely acquaintances, never friends.
Also being very religious, she was completely SHOCKED at what WW has done, and even said herself that she doesn't think it can last very long. I was very honest about my hopes for an eventual R, but also that I saw those hopes fading daily.
I agree that dinner was a bad idea right now...but I will consider it again in the future. Especially, once the adoption is final and the legalities are in place. I think I would have been looking over my shoulder the entire time feeling as though I was doing something wrong...even though I don't really think I would have been.
Perception is reality, right now I'm percieved as the "right" person in this drama by most everyone. I wouldn't want to give anyone any cause to doubt my values or integrity!
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