First question is for BH: When you are intimate with your FWW do you ever get to the point that you dont think about your WW giving her body to OM?
Second is for FWW: Do you think about OM when your H is intimate with you?
It still really bothers me and D-day was almost 11 months ago.

Skyrider, Sorry I can't answer your questions. But I just wanted to let you know that the same thing really bothers me too and I am over one year in recovery. Hang in there, it does seem to get a little better the more time that passes.

I think that phyusical affairs are very hard on men. We have a bunch posting here who are still bothered by the images many months (and years) after recovery.

I'm going to answer you as a BW here because of how I went about not thinking of my FWH with FOW. It took retraining my brain by a lot of practice and honesty.

Once, when we were doing twice-weekly communication exercises, I shared how automatically those images came to my mind during SF and my reaction to them. I didn't know a way to stop them, other than the same way I was working on stopping my obsessive thoughts about FOW; when she came to mind, I caught myself within the first few seconds and said, "That's not what I want" and then pictured my FWH, brought his voice to mind, smiling...chose another thought.

Wasn't working during SF. I wanted to POJA a way to not have this happen during SF. So my FWH said to tell him when the images began. And I did (though I tried to shame myself out of it). Then we would hold still and he would look in my eyes and say he loved me, he was here with me, that we were home and safe. And he would hold onto me as I cried (from frustration with my own brain, sorrow for my pain, sometimes tears of resentment). And we would go on...had to do this again and again.

He kind of did the same thing with my triggers and when I snooped to ensure NC was still in place. He would be present and aware. Didn't shame or complain. Just there with me as I went through it. I had to speak of it, though, as it was happening, to really get through to my brain that it wasn't what I wanted.

See, I had focused so intently on the A, I'd trained my brain to bring me everything so I could know and fight. What was I missing, what could I do, not do??? The images/audibles had no power...my brain was still handing me what it thought I wanted most...took time to switch those gears, and I swear, at times, they were audible in their grinding.

I also had to commit to the belief that FOW was the abberation...I was the wife. We were real and she wasn't.


My A ran its course prior to my DH choosing to have an A. I didn't experience this because I detested the FOM by then. So, no, didn't think about him during SF.

My FWH's A didn't run that way. He ended his by choice before it ran its course.

LA

I would never, ever touch my filthy ex-wife again.

LA,

That's a beautiful thing your DH did for you!! And a great example of how one might break through this issue.

Skyrider,

I did not have to suffer PA's, but I still have those triggers during SF regarding EA's as well. Because to me they were giving away their heart and SF is intimate and includes the physical and the emotional. IMO

OUC,

Thank you. What we both did though, was important. Had I not summoned the courage to say it when it was happening (and it was very difficult to do that for me), he wouldn't have had the opportunity, would he?

Takes both. Thank you for seeing the beauty, appreciation, healing in it.

LA

Quite touching of your FWH.

FWIW, I put similar questions to my FWW last night. Results?

1. No, she doesn't think of the OM when having SF with me. She never did (according to her).

2. She doesn't want to know if I think of her having SF with the OM while I'm having SF with her. She didn't ask at that point whether or not that's actually happened (it did, a lot, during the early stages of recovery).