Hello. I am new to this blogging, although not new to this site. My husband and I are in the beginning stages of separation/possible divorce. This all started because of my affairs (and by affairs, i mean 3 different times, with different people). We attempted to reconcile after the first was discovered. I was not honest about ending the affair, partly because I didn't want to, and partly because I was in a very unhealthy place emotionally. By the end of last summer, not only had I lied the whole time, I engaged in 2 more (one emotional and one somewhat physical)and ended up going to a treatment center for work on myself and my issues (ACOA and self-esteem/self-acceptance issues)Long story short, I came home from the treatment facility with a new perspective on everything in my life. I had love for myself for the first time in my life. I was finally ready to not only be married, but happily married. And for the first 2 months home, we were happily married. Then little things started happening, and we drifted very far apart. Ultimately, on Mother's Day he told me that I had 2 weeks to leave, or he would. So I made the decision to move out under the pretense that we would work on things together. That was almost 3 weeks ago - and so far I have had nothing but disappointment. He is very angry with me (and rightly so) but everything that is said between us almost always ends in an argument. To make matters worse, he says he doesn't want to try to make us better, or that he wants to be married. So when I asked him if he wanted a divorce, he says he's confused. I'm not looking for an easy fix. I know there is no such thing. I also know that I have caused 95% of the situation we are in right now, so I sometimes feel as if I deserve the hurtful things he says. All I am looking for is maybe for some guidence from someone who is maybe in the same spot, or has been able to move on. I have forgiven him for all the hurts he has caused in our 7 year relationship (almost 3 years married) - and all I want is to be married to this man. I hate that I had to learn the hard way just how much I love him and want to be with him. I have read all Dr. Harvey's books (and with success in the beginning of the fixing period) but now feel like there is no hope. Am I asking for too much? Am I just kidding myself that we will be able to pull through this difficult time? I know in my heart that I have changed everything that was "wrong" with me, and that I have eliminated that old person from my new life. Should I just have some more patience and continue to wait this out to see? Thanks so much to anyone willing to help me with this!

Reading your situation, my best advice to you is to not let him dominate things because you are the one who erred. Although you may have been the cause, it sounds like he is doing things that have contributed to the problem. I know it can be hard, but ultimately you are only half the relationship: you can give your full 50% and if he doesn't give enough back it won't work. At times you can be doing your all but it will feel like you're not because things still aren't working. If that happens, take a close look at the situation and try to discover whether it's because you are so far from giving your all, or because he isn't giving enough.

That said, as I'm sure you know, the situation is far more complicated than that. For example, you have to make enough love deposits and avoid enough love busters to create an environment where he will want to give more to the marriage. Sometimes it takes the outside eyes of a friend or family member to see when you've made enough deposits to create a good environment and he is still not responding. That's when you know that it's time for him to do something if things are going to work.

I wish it were easier, but I don't think it is.

Thank you. I just feel very lost and lonely right now. I was at my house this weekend, and he's started to take down some of our pictures and that really hurt me. Let me reiterate that i am not looking for the quick easy fix. what i am looking for is my relationship. It's very hard to not have a clue what my significant other is thinking, feeling or doing. I realize i have no control over any of this right now, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with. Luckily i am in therapy and i attend a few 12 step meetings to help me deal with the separation. I just don't know how much more i have to give before i'm spent completely. i feel like i'm almost there right now. I don't take joy in anything i used to, and all i want to do is sleep the days away so i don't hurt anymore. so thanks for the words and support. i do feel better talking about this anonomously.

Although our situations aren't the same, I can relate to your feeling of being lost and lonely and not enjoying things that once interested you. I feel like that as well.

It's a dark place, but you have to know that you are not alone nor are you defined by your realtionship. Yes, like you, I want so much to make my marriage work and will give my all to do so until I feel like I have nothing more to give. Even though I've been told countless times that it's over. But, I also know that if it doesn't turn around, then I will be ok.

Do I want to live my life without my H? No, of course not - that's why I married him. But will I survive if he's not in my life? Yes. Think positively and positive things can happen...

Thank you for that. We are getting a divorce - which I'm not especially thrilled about, but I know that I will be ok. I feel tho, that I'm losing a part of me - not just my husband, but all of our friends have stopped talking to me - and he's now dating someone 11 years younger and has paraded her around to people. The feeling of being replaced that easily, and by someone so much younger is the ultimate betrayal - and that's what I'm trying to deal with now. But, since I have been told we're divorcing, I've actually be a much happier person - so that tells me that this is the right way to go. Good luck to you and your situation. I hope all works the best way possible for you.