I found all the recent posts today on MLC to be very interesting. I have felt all along that H's affair is really a MLC. In retrospect, he was a prime candidate for an affair. I never, in my wildest imagination, would have dreamed that he would do this after 20 years of being "straight-arrow". Up until now, we have always had a happy, and peaceful marriage. There were several 'triggers' that all happened about the same time:<BR>1. He turned 55.<BR>2. He was about to get out of the military reserves which, although part-time, was his only means of bringing in some money.<BR>3. He had applied for full-time work numerous times and was repeatedly rejected. He did not take this well.<BR>4. My job is very stressful, and I fell into the habit of venting (complaining) about it. He felt 'obligated' to listen, or so he said. I know I was also resentful about carrying the whole load for the past 5 years.<BR>5. I was trying to encourage him to get fulltime work as I knew it wasn't good for his self-esteem to not be working (plus it bothered me). I found out later he resented me doing this and felt I was pressuring him. <BR>5. And, most importantly, his sex drive was starting to diminish, and this terrified him.<P>So, I pretty much know what started this mess, but how does one get through a MLC? He has always been reluctant to communicate his most inner feelings, so I had no idea that he was going through all this turmoil, until I discovered the affair and I started to poke and pry it out of him. He confided to me that he feels like a failure. He has never said that he doesn't love me, but that he has no 'desire' for me. He has not 'committed' to OW, yet he won't give her up. I got the ball rolling for him to see a therapist for 3 sessions. I don't think she did him any good-- told him things like "it's rare for couples to be able to reconnect after something like this", and "the best thing I could do is develop an intense hatred for him". I think he needs help, but he won't initiate it. Now that we're in Plan B, I cannot get involved.<P>Yet, I still worry about him, as he doesn't have anyone to talk to (you know a man thing!). The way I see it, he is throwing away everything we struggled so hard for over the last 20 years. I will probably be able to recover financially as I am 10 years younger, but I doubt that he will.<P>I feel like an alien space ship came down and zapped up my H and replaced him with this selfish, adolescent. And, I want him back!! <P>Does anyone have any thoughts about getting through the MLC??? I was alarmed to read that it could be a five year process!!

Sidney,<P>First, do you think your H would have responded much differently if this had happened to him at 30? Most, with the exception of the diminished sex drive, are things that happen to people of all ages and lead to depression. So I am not sure that MLC is really the problem; at least from what has been presented in your post.<P>Why are you in Plan B? If you want to help him communications with him would surely help especially since he has stated that he feels like a failure already. Has he seen a doctor to see if depression is causing his actions and feelings. Anti depressants may be of help. Finally, if he really is not committed to the OW, maybe Plan A is really where you should be.<P>Just my opinion, but it really sounds as if he has reasons to be depressed and not so much MLC. Getting a job at his age is a real challenge. There very definitely is age discrimination and that sure hurts the ego or male or female.<P>Good Luck and God Bless

Saw some great threads on this MLC topic on <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com" TARGET=_blank>www.weiner-davis.com</A> today. Just thought you might be interested

Thanks for the info on the website. Read the MLC article and it was very enlightening. Helped alot!<P>Also, I agree that H is depressed. I encouraged him to see about some anti-depressents. However, when he discussed it with the idiot-therapist, she told him that "in your situation it's normal for you to be depressed; just go do something that makes you feel better when you get down". So I guess he took her advise and he sees OW!!!

You would probably find lots of helpful information at Jim Conway's site midlife.com<BR>Men in Midlife Crisis is one of the best I've read on the subject, as well as "Your husbands Midlife Crisis" by his late wife Sally. All their books are available through the site at really reasonable rates, as they are paperbacks. Jim Conway really cares, too. I've had him write back twice when I emailed him specific questions.<P>Hope it helps. My H. is having his MLC and he is only in his late 30's.<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P>

Your story is very close to mine. Differences 27 years, turning 50 and he has a job but has lost 4 jobs in the past 10 years. He is now a custodian barely making above minimum wage. I was a teacher and my salary supported us. I never brought it up but we were have finacial difficulties and he felt it was his fault. Please empty nest. From what I have read a true midlife crisis happens between the ages of 35 and 60 because they begin to feel that their life is half over and they have nothing to show for it. They revert back to adolecent behavior because that was a time of no responsibilities. They do things now that they would't have done as teen agers. So they feel they have missed something. How long it last I don't know. Hopefully when they find out that they can't escape responsibilty they will come to their senses, but who really knows as each person acts differently. My H's affair has been going on for a year I discovered it 7 months ago and he has been living with her for 2 1/2 months. I hope he wakes up soon. Hope this helped alittle bit.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>