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An older post that might be helpful: When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a coninuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover. In your case, you've noticed that you have experienced a detached feeling about it all, even your husband's filing for divorce. That's the way it's supposed to turn out. You are far more attractive while in emotional control of yourself than you would ever be begging and pleading for his return. You tried that tactic already, and it hasn't worked.
Plan B doesn't always work, but it does protect you from the intense emotional pain that you could be experiencing day in and day out. Your husband may divorce you, but it won't be because you have implemented plan B. And if he returns to you, it won't be because you have implemented plan B. But if he does return, with a sincere willingness to completely leave his lover and follow our plan for recovery, he'll find a wife who is still sane if you follow plan B.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Here is what Dr Harley had to say about it: MelodyLane: The primary reason for abandoning plan A for plan B is protection. The stress experienced in plan A (trying to care for someone too long who is hurting you more deeply than you ever have, or ever will, experience) can leave you physically and emotionally damaged. So the question each person must ask themselves is, "how tough am I?" My experience is that men are tougher mentally and physically than women. By that, I mean that women seem to start falling apart emotionally and physically after just a few months, or even a few weeks, of plan A. Men, on the other hand, seem to be able to keep it up for years before experiencing health problems. If I don't know a person too well, I tend to lean to the safe side by recommending 3-4 weeks of plan A for women, and 6 months for men. But if a woman is no worse for wear after a few weeks, or a man is feeling okay after 6 months, there's no reason to end plan A at that point. As you can see, it's inexact, and depends on how the person is doing. A good support system (like the support people often receive on the Forum) can often keep a person in plan A much longer. Best wishes Willard F. Harley, Jr. Thanks Mel. This helps, but I was hoping there was something in one of Dr. Harley's publications that could be referenced. It's much easier to be able to point to a book, chapter and paragraph than to say; (and please, there is no offense intended) "Because Mel said Dr. Harley said so!"Anyway. Thanks again! S&C
No man likes to have his intelligence or good faith questioned, especially if he has doubts about it himself. - Henry Brooks Adams
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Thanks for finding that, Mel.
I have read so many of Dr. H's resources, I wasn't sure where this was at. But I remembered seeing it somewhere.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Thanks Mel. This helps, but I was hoping there was something in one of Dr. Harley's publications that could be referenced. It's much easier to be able to point to a book, chapter and paragraph than to say; (and please, there is no offense intended) "Because Mel said Dr. Harley said so!"
Anyway. Thanks again!
S&C nope, you don't have to say "because Mel said so;" that is what Dr Harley wrote on THIS FORUM TODAY and that is a copy of his post to me. You have better than some publication in a book, you got it from the horse's mouth.  Edit Reply Quote Notify Email Post #2069963 - 06/07/08 04:15 PM Re: Length of Plan A? [Re: MelodyLane] Dr. Harley Dr. Harley Member Registered: 11/16/00 Posts: 2038 MelodyLane: The primary reason for abandoning plan A for plan B is protection. The stress experienced in plan A (trying to care for someone too long who is hurting you more deeply than you ever have, or ever will, experience) can leave you physically and emotionally damaged. So the question each person must ask themselves is, "how tough am I?" My experience is that men are tougher mentally and physically than women. By that, I mean that women seem to start falling apart emotionally and physically after just a few months, or even a few weeks, of plan A. Men, on the other hand, seem to be able to keep it up for years before experiencing health problems. If I don't know a person too well, I tend to lean to the safe side by recommending 3-4 weeks of plan A for women, and 6 months for men. But if a woman is no worse for wear after a few weeks, or a man is feeling okay after 6 months, there's no reason to end plan A at that point. As you can see, it's inexact, and depends on how the person is doing. A good support system (like the support people often receive on the Forum) can often keep a person in plan A much longer. Best wishes Willard F. Harley, Jr. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2069963#Post2069963
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel,
I guess I need to explain a bit more, sorry for not being clear enough.
Most of the people I deal with do not own a computer, but can and will use Dr. Harley's material. Therefore, they cannot access a computer. That is why I was asking if it was in any of his publications.
So, I guess I'm still in need of an answer. Thanks for your help.
S&C
BTW - Thanks for putting up the link, but i don't have access to that forum.
Last edited by steadfast and committed; 06/08/08 12:06 AM. Reason: to add the last line
No man likes to have his intelligence or good faith questioned, especially if he has doubts about it himself. - Henry Brooks Adams
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s&c, feel free to share Dr. Harley's post with your friends if they have questions about the length of Plan A.
Bummer you can't get on that forum, the MB weekend is well worth the access to the forum because Dr Harley posts there every day.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm sorry folks...
But if Dr Harley really wants this message 2 be heard, then he ought 2 post on the public boards once in a while.
I feel gypped.
-ol' 2long
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You're welcome.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Welcome for what?
That wasn't a 'thank you' Mel.
-ol' 2long
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bumping for standing2008.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Please post here if EXPOSING the WS helped to end the affair AND saved your marriage, as in no relapses and you've been in recovery for longer than one year. Just curious as to the results.
Married four years
* * * *
D-Day: July 2007
Plan A: Aug-Oct 2007
Plan B: PBL issued Oct 2007; WS asked agreed to NC with OW and MC
Recovery: Nov 2007 (we re-united and spent more time together but no MC and no church attendance)
* * * *
Became Pregnant: Nov 2007 (his initiation; OW was pregnant during A but had abortion to his dismay)
* * * *
2nd D-Day: May 2008 (Contact made with OW in March)
Plan A re-initiated: May 2008
Plan B scheduled for Oct 2008 (after baby is 2-mos)
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Please post here if EXPOSING the WS helped to end the affair AND saved your marriage, as in no relapses and you've been in recovery for longer than one year. Just curious as to the results. S2008, exposure doesn't prevent relapses, doesn't save the marriage and rarely ends the affair. It is one of many resources, not the only resource. Nor does anyone make any such claims. Exposure hastens its death, because it ruins the fantasy. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure causes its decline. In my case, exposure caused the affair to end THAT DAY. But exposure did not save my marriage and exposure did not prevent a relapse. My marriage was saved by using MB principles and a relapse was prevented by setting boundaries. We do have several cases here where the affair ended the DAY it was exposed, but those are the rare cases.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Married four years
* * * *
D-Day: July 2007
Plan A: Aug-Oct 2007
Plan B: PBL issued Oct 2007; WS asked agreed to NC with OW and MC
Recovery: Nov 2007 (we re-united and spent more time together but no MC and no church attendance)
* * * *
Became Pregnant: Nov 2007 (his initiation; OW was pregnant during A but had abortion to his dismay)
* * * *
2nd D-Day: May 2008 (Contact made with OW in March)
Plan A re-initiated: May 2008
Plan B scheduled for Oct 2008 (after baby is 2-mos)
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Exposure; preceeded by a good Plan A; ended my WW's A immediately and made our recovery possible. We are only 9 months into recovery so do not meet your criteria for success.
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Exposure to my FWH's OWH ended the A immediately. Now if I had known about MB, perhaps our recovery would have really happened. Instead I dealt with 2 years of resentment and then A #2 that produced an OC. We are NOW in recovery for 1.5 years.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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