I'm wondering if anyone can help me. I've been married to my wife for 22 years this July 2nd. She has always shown little affection. I'm a very affectionate man and I've always shown her lots of affection. A little hug and little pecks throughout the day or evening when I'm home with her. Or even out in public I will hold her hand. I've always been that way. She showed moderate affection when we first started dating and she always wanted to be around me. I guess that's normal in the beginning.
A little background on my wife:

She was sexually abused by her uncle on numerous occasions starting from the age of 9 until about the age of 13 when he died. He better be thanking God for already being dead before I met her.
She got into selling and doing drugs,drinking and smoking from about 15 to about 18 when she had a nervous breakdown and was given treatment.I realized early on that she had anger issues and they derived from her abuse.
Besides this, her family was never that affectionate. They always blamed her for things and she even tried to tell the wife of the uncle what was going on about the abuse.She didn't believe her. When the Aunt would leave for church during the week (the church was about 45 min away) The uncle would do the abusing.My wife would always try to go, but sometimes during the week she had homework and had to stay home to do it. My wife stayed with her aunt because her Mom was too busy running the streets to take care of her. Her Real Mom taught her how to be a thief. My wife has literally cut the thumbs off of a man.Sounds fictional, but it's true.
She was very violent and I have a few scars from some of our altercations. She started going to church after her breakdown and after going for years, finally started to calm her anger.
Why did I stay with her? I love her. I had my issues too. I had a short temper that suddenly dissipated when I turned 25.We had a few physical altercations from the time we got married at age 20 until we both turned 25. I stopped, but she didn't.
Throughout this time I was always the affectionate one. Almost always the one to try to make peace. She has made peace at times too, but ultimately I was the one giving in. I know that her problems stem from childhood, but what can I do? I'm practically STARVED for affection now.
She will leave for work and not even a goodbye. A kiss is out the door. I have to literally tell her to give me one. She does. It's not the same if she did it on her own. I think she really needs counselling, but she gets lots of it at church..she just doesn't apply it.
She hardly ever touches me, sometimes she won't even look at me. I have told her if she is unhappy with me I will go, but she doesn't want that. At my job women like to hug me (my body is muscular)I don't look for this but they catch me offguard. It feels good, but it's wrong so I avoid them. This is what I want from my wife. They all know that I'm married, but to some that's a challenge. I'm 42, but look 28 to early 30's because of my build and genetic youthful looks. I'm too old to be getting in extra marital mess. I just want the affection from my wife.
Is there any hope for me/us? Is there a way that a woman that's not really affectionate to become affectionate?

I read the emotional needs part. Haven't done the questionnaire, but thinking about it.
Sorry if this is too long

Shaken

This forum primarily is for adultery issues. Hopefully that is not part of your situation.

I can only speculate. From the sounds of it - as you detail - your wife is giving free rent in her head to an assortment of negative conditioning. You crave intimacy. She doesn't and never has. So why are you still married? Except for the intimacy, how is everything else?

Frankly, you both need coaching. Notice I said coaching, not counseling. There is a huge difference in the techniques used between coaching and counseling.

Get Harley's book, His Needs, Her Needs and see what you think.

Larry

He's in the right place. He's craving affection and his W isn't really giving him any. So I sense a temptation on his part to stray or the very early budding of a wayward mindset. He is not having EN's met by W. So he may not be in an emotional affair or a physical one, but he vulnerable.

Imagine how good he'd feel if a woman came along that gave him all his W doesn't. So he's vulnerable, and in the right place.

The big, big thing I believe you need to do is flat out tell your wife what you've said here and tell her that you really need to know what YOU can do to have her feel more affectionate to you.

Shaken,

It sounds like you have 3 choices: 1) persuade your wife to enter into counselling to help her over her resentment towards men and learn to emotionally open up to you; 2) learn yourself to endure an affectionless marriage; or 3) end your marriage and then find someone to can meet your needs.

I would not recommend choice no. 2. It sounds like you are an affair waiting to happen. Your 'love bank', as Dr. Harley describes, has a very insufficient balance, with little love deposits coming from your wife, making you emotionally vulnerable. To boot, you're apparently physically attractive to women. It will only be a matter of time before a woman comes along with the right 'chemistry' for you and begins making love deposits in your love bank. And when that woman makes enough deposits, then your brain will start secreting various hormones and other chemicals (PEA). Despite what you may say now, when that happens, you will find that woman to becoming more and more attractive and irresistable. It's the story of so many affairs.

Maybe if you confronted your wife and told her how unacceptable your relationship is for you, and then maybe go for a temporary separation. A separation may give her a wake-up call to participate in fixing the relationship, or else. A separation would no doubt be painful and hard on your wife, but believe me, it would be nowhere near as hard or as painful as to have to endure an affair by you, no matter how unemotional she may now be.

best of luck

Pomd,

There are many temptations to having an affair that is true.
There is more to the story. An affair has happened on my part 6 years ago. She also strayed.She dropped him the moment I said I wanted to work it out. We separated and just like you said,
someone came along and said the right things and it happened to both of us. We decided to get back together and try to work things out. I learned from that tragedy and I will never have an affair again.The women at work are more of a distraction than a temptation. Though some try harder than others. I have 110% dedicated my anatomy to my wife. We've had counselling from our church, but they are not licensed marriage counsellors. I do think my wife and I need some professional marriage counseling. I hate myself for the affair and wish I never did it. I don't blame her for the affair, but I do wish she could learn how to be more affectionate. I will do the questionnaire on EN and see if she will too. I will also try to get her to go to couselling with me. She is somewhat anti-social and does not trust people.
Even though I say I no longer am interested in an affair, I'm still yearning for attention. I just don't want to commit the mistake again because I'm so affection starved.

Thanks again for the response

Galoot,

I agree with you when you say that I can say whatever, but my mind and body will soon try to take over. I am really, really fighting the urges. It gets hard but I don't want to hurt my wife that way. I don't want to separate from her. We do get along now, it's just lacking in the affection department on her behalf. I'm very affectionate. To her and our children. I feel if I separate I would probably stray again and I'm just being honest with you and myself.