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#2069106 06/05/08 07:38 PM
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Just had another look at WW's phone records, and couldn't help myself when OM's # was in front of me. I know I shouldn't have called, but I did....he told me that WW showed up at his house last Saturday. I can't [censored] believe it. :eek:

Last edited by sycamore; 06/12/08 01:59 PM.

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

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introvert,

First of all, you called the OM. The OM is on a mission to destroy your M, why would you believe anything he has to say? He is in just as mush fog as she is. What if what he said was false, just to get you to do things that will certainly destroy the M. Talking to him is like asking a fox to protect the hen house. He's not going to help you, it's not in his interest.

Don't Call Him anymore!

Second, whenever you find anything that might be evidence of continued contact, you cannot continue to react to it. You need to learn that it's ok to be angry, but do not make any decisions that you might regret later.

Most WS's will have contact after d-day. You have not had time to put together an effective plan yet. I doubt that your W is familiar with what a NC letter is yet. And what happened last week is may not be where she is today and if you go off half cocked you might just set back whatever progress she has made. Do you want to do that?

Third, you have another thread here on this forum. Go to it and continue posting there. If you keep starting new threads it will confuse those that are trying to help. They won't be able to keep up.

OK? Breathe - iiinnnnn - ooouuuut - iiinnnnn - ooouuuut.

When is your appointment with the Harleys?

Focus on your plan and the tools here for now. Got it?

Later'z.

S&C



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And please know that just because a wayward is not in contact does not make them a FWW! The "F" must be earned and it takes a LOT of hard work by the WW and it takes time...sometimes lots of time...

But, again, it is something that is "earned" not just granted!


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Well, she certainly didn't earn "FWW" status 2 weeks ago when she made a "lapse in judgement" (which i found out on Friday), and got drunk at OM's house and "slept on his couch". She did say that she "swears on her father's grave" that she never touched the guy though...her father died years ago, and I hope she is being honest, 'cause her father would be rolling over in his grave right now if she's lying...

...and, she'll be going to h e l l .

WTF is wrong with people, man? She cries, and swears up and down that it's 100% her doing, she takes 100% responsibilty, blah...blah...blah...but every f$cking time we talk about this [censored], and the discussion gets a little heavy, the first thing she does is run to OM.

I swear she's lost her f%cking marbles.

A bit of a rant, I mad know.

Last edited by introvert; 06/08/08 09:20 PM.

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Originally Posted by introvert
Well, she certainly didn't earn "FWW" status 2 weeks ago when she made a "lapse in judgement" (which i found out on Friday), and got drunk at OM's house and "slept on his couch". She did say that she "swears on her father's grave" that she never touched the guy though.

Uh-huh. Did she try to sell you a bridge too?

Believe nothing of what a WS says.


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Originally Posted by introvert
Well, she certainly didn't earn "FWW" status 2 weeks ago when she made a "lapse in judgement" (which i found out on Friday), and got drunk at OM's house and "slept on his couch". She did say that she "swears on her father's grave" that she never touched the guy though...her father died years ago, and I hope she is being honest, 'cause her father would be rolling over in his grave right now if she's lying...

...and, she'll be going to h e l l .

WTF is wrong with people, man? She cries, and swears up and down that it's 100% her doing, she takes 100% responsibilty, blah...blah...blah...but every f$cking time we talk about this [censored], and the discussion gets a little heavy, the first thing she does is run to OM.

I swear she's lost her f%cking marbles.

A bit of a rant, I mad know.

Ri i i i ght! I hate to break it to you, but that's what they all say.

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She has a drinking problem and you should forget about plan A/B or recovery. Deal with her ethanol habit first and learn as much as you can from alanon.

-rh-


Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

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Just checked her cell phone records, and she's been calling him pretty much every 2 days since D-day back at the end of March....she's still having an affair (she just won't admit that she is). She thinks that sending a NC letter is good enough, but doesn't actually have to have NC.

F%cking [censored].


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introvert,

May I ask how your are checking her records? How updated are these records?

Next, she is supposed to have her session with one of the Harleys today right? Let's see how that goes.


redhat asked about a possible drinking problem. Does she drink often? If she does, how excessive is it? If she does drink and it is an issue, then he is right; the drinking problem will need to be dealt with before MB tools will be effective.

Blessings.

S&C


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I check her records online. The most updated one was in today so I checked it out. She's been calling him all the time, and telling me that he calls "once in a while, but I don't answer"...lol, what a joke.

She has the session at 5 o'clock today.

She only seems to drink when she is not around me. We have always had a glass of wine with dinner, and stuff like that, but the "getting drunk" stuff is soemthing she does on her own when I'm not around. I'd say it may be a problem for her because it seems every time she is causing more grief for the marriage, she's been drinking. But, I wouldn't say that she is a heavy drinker or an alcoholic.


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Introvert...

Might I suggest a single thread for your story. I know that I got hammered at the beginning because I kept starting new threads and it makes it harder for people to follow your WHOLE story.

Beside that, so sorry to hear that she is still in the A. I know the feeling. My H "ended" his A and then continued it for more than a year (unbeknown to me). If I had seen this website and known what I do now about WS, I would have known that he was not finished with OW.

No matter what your WW says, you KNOW that she is continuing the A. No contact means NO CONTACT. She is addicted to OM. She cannot talk with him every once in awhile and still be committed to recovery.

Have you asked her to change her cell phone number so that OM can't "call her every once in awhile?"

Why is she getting drunk without you? Why is she going out without you?

Keep posting here. You will survive it. Venting here can also be a GREAT RELIEF. I usually post with a note above that I'm venting and then just let er rip. That way my venting doesn't create more challenges in my R but I can get the feelings out.


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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Yes, I will start a thread for my story and stick with that thread.


Funny thing about the cell phone is that she did change the number, but then continued calling him....waste of $25 changing the number if you ask me. She should just get him to call our home phone, it would be just as sneaky as what she's doing now.


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introvert,

Quote
I'd say it may be a problem for her because it seems every time she is causing more grief for the marriage, she's been drinking. But, I wouldn't say that she is a heavy drinker or an alcoholic.

whether she is a heavy drinker; or whether or not you would call her an alcoholic is irrelevant. It seems from what you said, her drinking causes problems in the M if not in other areas of her life.

She will probably need some form of help to deal with it. And you like redhat suggested, should contact alanon and learn up on it.

S&C

P.S.
Quote
Yes, I will start a thread for my story and stick with that thread.

Just stick with this thread unless the topic is different.

Last edited by steadfast and committed; 06/09/08 11:35 AM. Reason: to add the P.S.

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Originally Posted by introvert
Just checked her cell phone records, and she's been calling him pretty much every 2 days since D-day back at the end of March....she's still having an affair (she just won't admit that she is). She thinks that sending a NC letter is good enough, but doesn't actually have to have NC.

F%cking [censored].

So, she's lying to you about contact. I think you can safely assume that she's lying to you about everything else concerning her A with the OM, including that line about "sleeping on couch, nothing else happened".



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Originally Posted by introvert
But, I wouldn't say that she is a heavy drinker or an alcoholic.

Use this AUDIT ... and for you too.

-rh-


Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

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intro:

If your W knows you can view the phone records online, why not tell her what you know?

How she responds will tell you a lot about how serious she is about recovery.

If she's not serious, and really intends 2 continue the A, then she'll probably change the phone bill so you can't see it.

If she is serious, she'll allow you 2 continue 2 monitor her usage.

Another thing:

If you want 2 rebuild your marriage, you need 2 get your anger under control. Stop calling her names.

Vent all you want here (2 a point). Just remember that recovering your marriage requires a change in how you interact with your WW.

-ol' 2long

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introvert,

It's probably a good idea for you to expect the worst. Expect that she is addicted to the OM and since she cannot (by law) talk to you, she will seek out her addiction. It would not be surprising to find out that she has had a PA with the OM.

Now having said that; MIM, what good will it serve to continue to point out to introvert that his WW will lie to him? It just seems to fuel his anger, which he needs to get under control.

introvert, 2long is quite right. Calling her names, and getting angry is keeping you from from focusing.

I think I mentioned about you focusing on how you could have contributed to creating an environment that might yur WW might have thought that an A was an option? The anger we see you display here, how often does that happen at home?

If it happens at home do you see where, it could be a bit scary for your W?

If I'm starting down the wrong path, I apologize, but we can only go by what you say on this forum and how you say it.

Blessings.

S&C



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Originally Posted by steadfast and committed
introvert,

It's probably a good idea for you to expect the worst. Expect that she is addicted to the OM and since she cannot (by law) talk to you, she will seek out her addiction. It would not be surprising to find out that she has had a PA with the OM.

Now having said that; MIM, what good will it serve to continue to point out to introvert that his WW will lie to him? It just seems to fuel his anger, which he needs to get under control.

introvert, 2long is quite right. Calling her names, and getting angry is keeping you from from focusing.

I think I mentioned about you focusing on how you could have contributed to creating an environment that might yur WW might have thought that an A was an option? The anger we see you display here, how often does that happen at home?

If it happens at home do you see where, it could be a bit scary for your W?

If I'm starting down the wrong path, I apologize, but we can only go by what you say on this forum and how you say it.

Blessings.

S&C

I have never, ever, ever had an angry outburst at home...in 7 years of being with WW....until dday. I understand that my recent outbursts are only fueling the fire, and I have pledged to stop now. Up until dday, we (as hard as it is for some people to believe) never even had an argument....this is 100% true...and it makes this whole thing so much harder to swallow. I have gone downhill since dday as far as my anger issue is concerned, and I have made a promise to stop it (in an email I sent to WW...hopefully she'll take it as truth).


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Just because you had never had an argument prior to D-Day, doesn't mean that you don't have anger issues. I would think that if in 7 years you had never had an argument, both of you were probably supressing a lot of anger.... pushing issues down rather than addressing them.

I can understand why this situation would cause you to blow your top, but as others have pointed out, you need to deal with your anger in a constructive way from here on out. If you don't want to speak to a counselor, "Anger: Handling a powerful emotion in a healthy way" by Gary Chapman is a really good book on the subject.

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Originally Posted by Exodus1414
Just because you had never had an argument prior to D-Day, doesn't mean that you don't have anger issues. I would think that if in 7 years you had never had an argument, both of you were probably supressing a lot of anger.... pushing issues down rather than addressing them.

I can understand why this situation would cause you to blow your top, but as others have pointed out, you need to deal with your anger in a constructive way from here on out. If you don't want to speak to a counselor, "Anger: Handling a powerful emotion in a healthy way" by Gary Chapman is a really good book on the subject.

I do own that book. I have yet to open it, because I've been to busy reading infidelity books...hopefully I'll get to it soon. Today was a big breakthrough for me though...(realizing that I'm just adding fuel to the fire by not being myself in discussing things with WW).


"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

Henry David Thoreau
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