Hello everyone,

I'm new to the site so please bear with me...

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and have been having issues for a little over a year now. It first started when she started asking me to sleep on the couch because I made too much noise snoring. I didn't think it was a big deal so I accomidated her and later told her that she was grinding her teeth at night so it was mutually benefical. (I didn't want her to feel bad for kicking me out of the bedroom.) She's always made it a point to lock the door when she goes to bed since then. She's also been spending her weekends in bed (not sleeping she claims.) to get away from the kids. She usually doesn't get up until after 3pm. The kids still manage to get her up to get them something to drink or other things if I happen to fall back to sleep but she returns to the bedroom and locks the door behind her to keep them out.

Since then, we've been growing further and further apart. Now, my sleeping on the couch has become the norm. We have also gone through a lot of termoil financially as I had to leave my previous employer (I work in IT.) since they got bought out and take a lesser paying job. I also do a lot of contract work to make up for the decrease in salary so you can imagine I work a tremendous amount of hours to keep thing going here.

My wife is a stay at home mom (SAHM) and keeps our 4 kids whos ages are 6, 8, 14, 16. The two old ones are usually at their grandparents on the weekend.

To be honest, I'm suffering from two factors. Things have gotten a bit complacent and I'm under an enormous amount of stress trying to keep our finances afloat. I've already had to dump 4 credit cards and negotiate with the lenders for payoff amounts that I can handle. All debt is now paid off except for house, one car, and normal expenses. This also took it's toll on my credit score.

I've asked her several times to get a part time job working evenings or weekends because I honestly needed help and I knew it would help bring down my stress levels. She made no real effort to do so.

She now drinks heavily, and blames me for it. She's been a wine totaler since we met. There have been many occasions that I wanted to get intimate with her but the fact that she was drunk killed the mood and unfortunately she only picks times when I'm working to want to get intimate with me. (most of the contract work I do is from home.)

She has decided that the situation is unfixable and we should seperate and I don't want too. I've told her that I would make an honest effort to make time for us but she isn't receptive to the idea and everytime she's picked to discuss the issues she's been drunk or well on her way.

Any input would be appreciated. I do love my wife very much and am willing to loose my house if it means keeping her.

Thanks,

jwilks.

Hi jwilks,

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry it is under such circumstances. But there is a lot of wisdom on this site. Please keep reading, and keep posting.

First, have you explored whether or not there is someone else your W is involved with, either physically or even just emotionally ("just friends" but with a closeness that competes with your marriage relationship)?

Second, have you considered that she may be depressed or overwhelmed? Locking oneself in the bedroom for many hours a day doesn't sound like an emotionally stable person. Another possibility, with that many children maybe she is desperate for some time alone?

Third, have you read about Love Busters and Emotional Needs? You want to completely eliminate any LBs you may have been committing, and you want to start meeting her most important ENs.

Keep posting and asking questions.

I agree, she sounds like she is depressed. It sounds like she's unhappy a lot, even if she acts like she is happy around you and the children, and hides away to try to escape it. Sleeping a lot can be an indicator of this, too. Plus, the fact that she has to drink to be in the mood to do almost anything could mean that she feels she can only be the person she wants to be when she can excuse it to alcohol.

Personally, I think she needs therapy. This is not something that's easy to tell people or to get them to accept, so you might want to look online for advice about how to help a depressed friend. If you come on too strong, you might only make the problem worse, causing her to hide it even more.

She probably believes that if you separate her depression will go away, but from what you've described that's not a solution to anything. She will ultimately be less happy, I think, if she leaves you and she will end up regretting the decision. Don't let it get that far.

I'd be very suspicious of this. Does she have a computer in the bedroom or a laptop? A cell phone? I suspect an online A. How long has this been going on?

I dunno, don't ppl usually manage to sneak online and phone contact without locking doors, maybe to avoid raising suspicions? Could be, but to me the locked door screams a need for some safety/security. Like someone who is depressed, needing to escape what seems like overwhelming demands, or maybe a survivor of CSA.

I can't sleep with an open door, no matter what side of that door my H is on.

Is there any reason at all that she might feel unsafe? Even if it may seem illogical? Anything new in her life that may have triggered this?