He's ALWAYS the WAYWARD as long as he is living with the OW.


I again want to encourage you to NEVER allow him to talk with you about her. Remember how we encouraged you to tell him that you would not discuss her and for you to bring up other topics? Why did YOU feel bad and say you were sorry? You say that you know it was "stupid", your word not mine. Why did you do it? Ask yourself so that you will not do it again in your contacts with him. IT IS NOT ATTRACTIVE to allow him to be DISRESPECTFUL of you.



You are doing the same stuff, Brown. This is NOT a part of the PLAN that we have been encouraging for you. Your PLAN had been working. He had invited you out. Asking him these questions is BEGGING AND PLEADING. DON'T ASK HIM QUESTIONS!! We all know what his answers will be. He is a WAYWARD SPOUSE..

Your job is just to SHOW HIM and to TELL HIM what you want...

Brown, how come you ask us for help and continue to do it your way?

He looked so sad when i said that i don't want to talk about her that i felt bad, so i sad sorry.



I am sorry Mimi, seeing him was so hard, I wanted to hug him and i wanted everything to be normal. Inside i was dying and i couldn't understand why he was doing this. So i ended up asking questions. I couldn't control it mimi. I tried really hard but i broke down n even now i can't stop crying. I want this pain to end n i want to run away but there is no where to run to, bcos this pain is a part of my life.

Personally, I just told hubby not to talk about the WHORE in my presence.

Brown,

I know how PAINFUL it is and I'm truly SAD for you..

Maybe you don't have the mind control or the emotional stamina right now to do this. That's understandable. Heck, I have NO CLUE how I did it. All I can tell you is that I KNEW that I HAD TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER IF I WANTED TO RECOVER MY MARRIAGE. The same is true for you, Brown. This is gonna take you gaining control over your emotions. Also, you are gonna have to stop thinking of him as being your husband. I agree with your therapist to a point. You have got to ACCEPT THE REALITY of the fact that your husband is having an affair and no amount of talking to him or wishing and hoping is going to change that right now...So sad to say..but true...



Don't you want him to FEEL BAD about what he's doing? You want him to FEEL OK about being with her, treating his WIFE as HIS BUDDY to talk to about his GIRLFRIEND?


You see what I mean about ACCEPTING REALITY. IT IS NOT NORMAL. I know hard to accept but TRUE.


We have told you over and over, Brown but you are not listening to US. You want to listen to HIM? He is ADDICTED to the OW! He is ADDICTED to the OW! You say that you've been reading here. Do you understand what WE mean? ASK US if you don't understand. He's in a FOG, a drug-induced state in which he is NOT THINKING CLEARLY! He's the LAST PERSON that you need to ASK a question for which you want a RATIONAL ANSWER.


I BELIEVE YOU CAN! You were in control when you were with your girlfriends that night. Where is THAT BROWNEYES that was IN CONTROL that night?

Have more confidence in your ability to CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS so that you can continue TO FIGHT!!

Mimi - i used to b a much stronger person than this n i don't understand y i couldn't pull myself together y'day.
I know in his mind he is wavering (even though he doesn't want to admit it). I need to capitalise on that.

I messed up y'day, but won't b doing it again. I need to make a plan.

Mimi - I know it sounds like i am not listening to u, but it isn't that, i am just emotionally drained, n i am not realising that it is killing my marriage. I am trying harder.

What's MOST IMPORTANT is what this is doing to YOU! It seems that you put him up on a PEDESTAL, seeing him, even now, as SUPERIOR to you, experiencing his happiness, NO MATTER WHAT, as being more important than YOURS.

THE ANSWER is gaining your own SELF-ESTEEM. Maybe the GIFT in this is getting to know YOURSELF better...

Then, really FINDING YOURSELF...

It's true that you have to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST before you can love anyone else.

{{{{{Brown}}}}}

Mimi is giving you absolutely the BEST ADVICE for both PERSONAL as well as MARITAL recovery.

Your walk is SO similar to mine. I didn't want my H to hurt, I wanted to shake my head and make this go away, I couldn't believe it was REAL, I let him DISRESPECT me.

Trust me, to this DAY I still struggle with this whole disgusting mess. But I have come to a place where I know that G-D is with me and he will help me through this.

The sad, but truth of the matter is at some point, you like me, have to make a choice to surivive and live. It's not what I wanted and I sure as heck am not totally there, but we are still breathing and G-d needs us. How will that work and look like for you, unfortunately that is your journey to find. But I can tell you that you can lean on Mimi and the others on here who are giving you the absolutely best advice.

Hon, you have to seek G-d and dig deep inside yourself. There is NO OTHER way. G-d believes in you and so do we all. Remember the one day at a time. Just for today, what can you do. Just today. Don't worry about tomorrow, don't worry about your M, because it isn't going to get all fixed in one day. So today to heal yourself for when your H comes home what can you do. What can you learn about yourself?

Do you write in a journal?

I TOTALLY get everything you are saying, feeling, etc. I DO. But sadly, wanting to control what our WH does, thinks, feels or acts on is COMPLETELY out of our control. Only you have your OWN LIFE to tend do.

Let G-d have your H, he loves him more than you can possibly love him. When does this deep pain stop? I have NO CLUE. Just this morning I cried to myself and talked to G-d. But what I do KNOW, is there are SO MANY people on here who have gone before us, they have what we want, their marriage. Or they have recovered personally, and sadly that might be the only thing G-d wants for us.

In my letting go book yesterday I read, Sometimes we experience times of frustration in our life. We believe we're on track, trusting G-d and ourselves, yet things don't work out. We have falst starts and stops. The door refuses to swing wide open. We may wonder if G-d has abandoned us, or doesn't care. Then one day we see: the reason we didn't get what we wanted was because G-d had something much better planned for us.

TRUST G-d...

Maybe SADLY for YOU..NOW... but it's up to us to TRUST and HAVE FAITH in GOD that HE knows what's best for US ALL in HIS PLAN.


This is FAITH. This is what you have to know FOR SURE..regardless of what happens with YOUR MARRIAGE..that GOD will never leave you or forsake you... HE wants you to PROSPER and BE HAPPY...

Brown, if you ever listen to ONE WORD of your husband talking about the other woman again, then you are SHOWING your husband it is alright to have sex with the other woman.

You must yell(or at least raise your voice) at him to stop talking about the other woman at all. Yell (or raise your voice firmly and loudly) telling him that he must leave her now and come back to you. That is the bottom line here.

I agree with this although it BORDERS on LOVEBUSTING...


Don't agree with this..LOL..although I see your point..THIS IS DEFINITELY LOVEBUSTING..doesn't fit with MBers or PLAN A...

Nor is it good for Brown..the key is for her to focus on HERSELF and to learn that SHE HAS NO CONTROL OVER HER HUSBAND...she only has CONTROL over HERSELF...and I see THAT as THE BOTTOM LINE HERE...

Mimi I see your point. I was trying to get Brown to have some kind of strength to carry out what she needs to do.

Here is another apporach more in line with what Mimi suggests which is very good.

Talk to yourself firmly.

Say, in front of a mirror:

I AM FINE WITHOUT MY HUSBAND!

MY LIFE IS FIND WITHOUT HIM.

I AM A GREAT PERSON ALL BY MYSELF WITHOUT MY HUSBAND

WHATEVER MY HUSBAND DOES I WILL BE FINE

Repeat these affirmations again and again until you believe them and have some strenth and even anger to deal with your husband with. Dont let fear or insecurity dominate, ask your counselor to support you in ending any fears you may have.

GREAT, STELLA!!

Well, I didn't yell at him when i told him to stop talking about her. I was just firm n polite but guess saying sorry was stupid.

God I don't know how people manage to do Plan A, when they r feeling so crap inside.

Stella
I guess i just have very low self esteem. Part of my problem is that I have been with my H for so long that i just don't know how to lead my life without him.
I know it sounds really crap n ridiculous.
I am trying to find my own identity but do struggle from time to time.
I guess I am not as strong as I thought as I was

IMO, PLAN A is about YOU..being the best person that YOU can be..
not just FOR HIM...

So your PLAN A would include building your PERSONAL STRENGTH and SELF-ESTEEM. That will result in you being more attractive TO HIM.

Hi All
Today, I pampered myself, n then put on my best summer clothes and went n saw WH. I could tell he noticed me bcos he kept on looking at me first n then he said he liked what i was wearing. He then kept on looking again.
I kept my cool today n felt confident. I liked myself which I hadn't in a long time.

Good to see u grinning mimi.
Today I saw WH again. Well, had to get him to see me (he was going to spend the afternoon with OW).
He told me that in all honesty he doesn't know whether he will be able to sign the papers.
He realises that OW moving in was a ploy on her part to stop him from reconciling with me. But yet he can't leave her and he doesn't even know why. He thinks that her using that tactic was fair game n doesn't necessarily make her a bad person. I said it was wrong n he was silent. He knows he loves me but he can't leave her. I can see the fog lifting at times but the addiction is strong n from what i can see she is using the physical aspect of the relationship as a weapon.
One of his ENs has been sex. So how do I overcome this?

Brown....

This happened to me too.....the first weekend he got the kids (I think I have mentioned that weekend to you before....you have NO IDEA how SIGNIFICANT that weekend was in all of this....a TURNING POINT for me...). This is where you can see the tides turning. Do not dispair when his reaction does not last long and he starts talking D again. You have planted a seed of DOUBT in his mind.....stay on the PRESENT COURSE......this is VERY VERY GOOD NEWS.....

and Kudos on the pampering....

not2fun

YUCK!!! YUCK!!!! YUCK!!!!

(sigh...NOT shaking her head)....

They are so confused those silly WS. Yep Brown....heard the same thing....MANY MANY MANY times. Heck, I would probably STILL be hearing it if I didn't tell WS if I heard that ONE more time, I should not be held accountable for my actions. And in all honesty, they MAY be right, BUT it doesn't matter to us, because we have to come to our own terms about the BOW'S,not them, and when they say this it just makes it that much harder to do.....

Now, everyone is right when they say you must tell him that he cannot talk to you about her and you will end the conversation if he does. If nothing else, you will eventually get to the point where you will start saying everything under the sun about her and that in turn becomes an LB to him. YOu are only human....you can only take so much and YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT.....

hang in there.....

not2fun