First off I would like to say thank you as I have been reading Dr. Harley's teachings for several months. I have read about everything on this site as well as His Needs, Her Needs and I just purchased Love Busters. That being said, here is my story...

This February my marriage was at it's breaking point. About all communication had stopped and my wife asked me for a divorce. Without going into to much detail I was in a bad depression and my wife was seeking out affection from other people on the internet. I moved out and a few weeks later she ended up sleeping with a so called friend. Mean while I was reading this website and others about how I could possibly save my marriage. Long story short, I took all the advice I found about making myself a better person and about 2 months ago my wife confessed what she had done and asked me to take her back. We never did get the divorce. So she moved in with me and we began seeing a counselor together. Things were going great, She started reading HN,HN and we were communicating and learning to do things right.

This week everything fell apart for me. I started dwelling on the thought of her with another man. I became distant and basically did all the worst things I could be doing at such a volatile time. I shut her out I refused to talk and I pouted for a few days. It just hit me all of a sudden and took over. I finally pulled myself back up yesterday. Things once again seemed to be normal.

Today I messed up big time. She asked me to pull her resume off of her hard drive and I asked her if there was anything that I shouldn't see from while we were apart. She seemed to panic and said she didn't want me to look at it anymore. I promised her I wouldn't look and she could delete whatever might be there. I couldn't resist and I plugged the drive into my PC and found a conversation she had with a friend back in march. Talking about how she wanted to get with my best man's room mate. They had been friends when we were still together but he didn't like her that way mostly because he knew what was going on in our relationship. She said things that broke me completely. That she wanted to be his slave and she dreamed about him all the time. I only read a small portion then I ripped the drive out of my computer. I broke down in tears and when I had calmed down a bit I told my wife I had seen it. I was scarred that she only got back with me because she couldn't stand to be alone. Or maybe it was the fact that she knew I would do anything to be with her and I would pay for her living expenses or any other random reason other than that I was important to her.

My world is in shambles again. She called me a disgusting liar and keeps saying it was none of my business what happened while we were separated. But it hurts me so badly that just one month after we separated she was already on the prowl for a new man. She talked about all these guys that she could have and she can't decide which one to take. She slept with a guy from 3 states away after meeting him once. How can I ever get over this if she won't accept that I have the right to feel what I feel. I am so scarred now that I made the wrong decision to take her back. Things were going so great for almost 2 months and now it's like she is a totally different person now that I am trying to deal with my feelings of pain. I tell her over and over again how I recognize my mistakes from both before I left and while we were separated but it's like she won't accept that anything she did was hurtful to me. She just keeps saying it was none of my business what she did while we were apart. I feel like all is lost. She can call me all these names because of what I have done but I can't even tell her I am hurting. I am so screwed.

Sorry for the long post but our counselor is out of town this week and I have nowhere else to turn and vent. If nothing else, please pray for me.

She is angry because the things that she did are embarrassing. You have every right to know what happened. You were still married, right?

Your wife is acting like a wayward spouse. She is finding ways to turn the blame back on you so that she doesn't feel as bad about what she did. You made the mistake of telling her that you wouldn't look, but only because you lied to her when you did it. You should have felt it was ok to look without asking. There should be NO SECRETS in a healthy marriage.

Read up on wayward behavior. She is blame-shifting and you don't need to let it get to you. You have every right to be upset about what she wrote. She just hasn't owned it yet.

Make sure you're careful about love busting right now. If you need to vent, come here.

IMO, the best thing to do in response to her anger is to calmly respond that there should be no secrets in your marriage and that you have every right to know everything that she has done. Other more experienced vets may have a better suggestion.

Thank you for the reply. She believes that because she paid $300 for an online divorce and she had filled her half of the questions out that her hands are clean.

That is the problem though. She is fragile and can not take knowing that she did something wrong. Or maybe in this case admitting. She still insists that she did not cheat on me. At one point she kind of apologized for her actions of seeking out her emotional needs from other people but it's like she does not acknowledge that an emotional affair occurred. I don't even think she believes that there is such a thing.

I have read a bit on wayward behavior. I was planning on ordering a book on surviving an affair but I fear the repercussions of even bringing such a book into the house. She keeps telling me she doesn't understand how I can be hurt by something that happened while we were "not together and getting a divorce". She won't accept that the only reason I even considered signing a divorce paper was her wayward behavior. If she would have once just said to me that she was going to devote herself to the marriage I would have never agreed to even move out in the first place. It was one sided, she won't accept that and I don't know how to get through to her. I know she is throwing up defense mechanisms left and right. I know how hard it will be to own up to hurting me and us. Will she ever see what she has done? Do most WW's eventually open their eyes. I feel like I can't move on because she won't share my pain. She seems so apathetic to me. Instead of sharing it I feel like I am being punished for feelings that I can't control.

How long have the two of you been married?

Feeling punished for your emotions...I can relate so thoroughly to that. I spent 3+ years feeling that way. My H was in an A that he would not admit (and I refused to admit) and he responded the way that your WW is responding. He was wayward. He was protecting his addiction at all cost. The easiest thing was for him to shift the blame to me so that he could be on the offensive.

The "being on a break" thing is a cop-out in my opinion. It may be a fact, but it doesn't change the pain and hurt that you feel. She is invalidating your emotions by telling you that she cannot understand how you would be hurt by something that she did when you were separated. She has no right to tell you how you feel.

Now, with that said, you want to be careful to work on the positive stuff. I would try to approach the whole thing as a "new beginning." You want your M to be strong and therefore you want to start fresh...no secrets. Maybe you can get His Needs, Her Needs and read that instead of Surviving an Affair. HNHN addresses infidelity, but it focuses more on the ways that you need to meet each others needs in order to avoid the problem of an affair.

I think your WW will eventually see that what she did was hurtful. But she is in a fog. She will not be out of that fog for a LONG TIME. It's not fair, but you will have to wait. Hopefully, as you both work at building the strength in your M, she will come to terms with what she has done and will feel remorse.

HTM

I just want to add that I feel immense guilt for having lied to her that I would not look. Lying is one of the things that I have done in the past that I promised myself I would never do again. This is the first time I have lied since we were on speaking terms after the separation. I didn't mean to lie but the temptation was so strong. I guess I just wanted to find something saying that she missed me or some sign that she cared for me still. But instead I found the opposite. Now, not only am I a liar - again - but I have to suffer knowing how she really felt at the time. And she really hated me.

I wish there was some way to put her in my mind for just a short time so that she could see that I never really gave up on us. There was always a glimmer of hope in the back of my mind. I just didn't know how to show it and all the pain I was in was taking over at the time. I needed some space to figure myself out and learn to be who I was supposed to be. We both did, but apparently, she was just looking to replace me from the day I walked away. I was doing so good for myself the last month or 3 and it's like I am going through a complete relapse. I can't think straight and I'm starting to drop the ball. I feel like I have completely lost control.

Look up gaslighting.

It is that you are on a roller coaster of emotions, which is normal for someone who has been betrayed. Unless your wife gets on board and really, really works at healing, it is doubtful that you can recover the relationship with her, IMHO.

Papering over problems doesn't solve them. And you are gonna go nuts if you keep blaming yourself.

Larry

I have read His Needs, Her Needs almost twice now. She started reading it too and we have been going through the questions at the end of each chapter. Things were getting so much better than they ever were up until about 4 days ago. She has promised to come to me for emotional needs and swears that she will never turn her back on us again. She has pretty well cut off all communication with all the other men. She is doing her part on all fronts accept for owning up to wayward behavior. Unfortunately, I feel like this may be the most important front for us to overcome and I am all alone in it right now. She doesn't just avoid the topic, she gets infuriated that I am even hurt by it. She told me that if I even bring it up she is going to be pissed.

Thank you so much for your replies. At least I feel validated here.

I am most definitely not blaming myself. At least not completely. I own my past mistakes is all. I can look her in the eye and say this is what I did and this hurt you, I am sorry and I will stand by you and never do that again. I am sorry and I feel the pain I have caused in you. I empathize with you and your feelings are justified. I want to make it better together with you.

The only part of that she can say to me is I will never do that again. But I feel like the only reason she can even say that is because it was bad for her to just sleep with someone from 3 states away that she barely knew with a history of breaking up marriages. She is not the first unhappy wife he has slept with, there is at least 4 others that I am aware of. She feels like a whore and that is the only thing she owns up to. It doesn't matter that she hurt me because we were not together. It's all eff'd up and I am alone in this.

I do not blame myself for what she did that hurt me. I blame myself for the things that I did that hurt her. I just wish she could do the same.

We have been together for almost 10 years, lived together for almost 4 years and were married for 1 year, 1 month, and 1 day when she asked me to leave. Prior to this she was the moral one, she was the one watching Dr. Phil and getting pissed off about how men can just leave their wives for other women. She was the one freaking out on me because she though I was going to cheat on her even though I have never once strayed from our relationship. I have never once flirted with some one intentionally and if ever it seemed that someone was interested in me I made it clear that I loved my girlfriend. I have been cheated on before more than once and I would never wish that pain on even my worst enemy.

Pretty much or absolutely?

So she doesn't want to own her own stuff, huh. Weeelllllll, not nice. Your problem is that you don't feel safe. And you probably won't feel safe until she turns the corner and decides to own her own stuff. Amazing that in a matter of days, she was trying to hook up and not just trying, did so with a sleezeball.

Sit down and rationally think through the process of what is bugging you. Think about what you want from her. Relationships are all about two people. One doesn't work. She has to be willing to do the heavy lifting with you and not go into denial because she is having a hard time dealing with something she did.

Larry

Wow, that is GREAT manipulation! Did it WORK in making you feel guilty for catching her cheating on you? Did she con you into believing you "messed up" and did something wrong by snooping on her?

Some waywards are really, really GOOD at conning and scaring their betrayed spouses into never ever snooping on them. So they turn it around ON THEM and make them the bad guy for snooping on them instead of THEM being the bad guy for cheating! See how that little manipulation tactic works?

Did it WORK, though? Did she effectively scare you into never snooping on her?

Well, absolutely with the exception of possibly one person who is still on her myspace page but I know they haven't spoken in at least 2 months. She pretty much told him to back off after one of his coworkers, my best man, told her to watch out for him as he plays the same game that the guy she slept with plays. Preying on the vulnerable just to get what he wants.

Gosh, the more I think about it the more I realize I have failed at plan A, She has not cut off everyone. But maybe that guy is not really a threat. After all, they haven't spoken in months. There is this other guy who could be a possible threat but he seems safe enough and she hasn't spoken with him in a while either. At least not that I know of. Now I am getting paranoid too. Not every guy she talks to is a threat. Are they?

Quite the opposite, I told her that there should be full disclosure for our marriage to work. I told her she has free reign over my passwords to emails, messengers, my phone, my computer, everything and I expect the same. She then yelled at me and hung up on me.

I am trying to be strong and not let myself get walked all over but at the same time I know it will take time for her to completely come out of the fog.

Did you explain to her that people who have nothing to hide, don't hide? She is hiding something from you, which is why she reacted so badly.

Well, she sounds kinda young to me, as in not a grownup yet. She is gaslighting the heck out of you, or trying to anyway. The more you understand this whole honor, fidelity thing, the more it will anger her. BUT, it is up to you to lead and she may or may not decide to follow. Up to her.

So far you seem as if you are trying to do the right thing and at the same time, not put up with the bull.

And I agree completely with Mel - hate to say this, but she is hiding and slinking around about something. Privacy in a marriage is when you close the door to the bathroom. You don't keep secrets from your mate, period. Tell her to take the secrets and er, well, you get it.

Larry

I know that, you all know that and I think even she knows that. But I feel like my hands are tied. Until she realizes this I think my only option is to bear the burden on my own. Unless you all have some other ideas.

Read about boundaries. You are entitled to boundaries in a marriage. Like I said, the more you know, the better you can take care of yourself. Women automatically think they know more than guys about life, love and the pursuit of, but all they know is whatever they picked up along the way and by reading Cosmo.

You can be very effective if you want just by reading.

Larry

Your hands are not tied. I would put a keylogger on her computer and confront her with the truth. Spy on her at every opportunity. It is pretty clear she is hiding something, it is up to you to find out what and get it out in the open.

LTW, don't let her gaslight you and don't let her run over you. Women don't respect men who allow that. And we don't love men we don't respect. Most women want a man who can act like a man.