I have been married for 10 years this Aug. My husband was away for a week on a course in another province. He came home a different person, was acting distant, would not have sex, I just could not figure him out. After the kids were in bed one night he said he was not sure he still loved me, I was so upset kept asking him why, he just replied he didn't know. I took the kids (age 9 and 7) and left to my parents and told him he needed to figure this out. I came home by myself and we sat down and talked . Said he wasn't sure why he just didn't think heloved me anymore. He agreed to counselling and so we started. After our second session of counselling in the car on the way home he told me that while he was out of town on course he had been with someone else. He met her in a bar and he said they danced and ended up kissing different times but he left the bar alone that night. He claims he was quite drunk. I was shocked and hurt. He said thats why he told me he wasn't sure if he loved me it would have been just easier to push me away than have to tell me but he new that it would eventually come out in couselling. So we have been in couseling for the last bit and things are going well at home. But I worry that this will happen again. No one in my family knows just one close friend. She says she wonders if it won't happen again. How do you ever trust again, his job takes him out of town how do I survive?? He swears there was no sex but how do I know? I need to have some couselling on my own. He has went for one on his own. Anyone else going through something like this? How do you get over it and ever trust again. I just feel beat down.

Jennie, it probably WILL happen again unless the conditions that made it possible are CHANGED and the underlying problem RESOLVED. You would be WISE to not trust him again as long as he continues to travel. This is why it is so very important to change the conditions that led to the affair in the first place. He should not be traveling and y'all should be in some type of recovery program to find out why this happened and correct the problems.

Here is a good article written by Dr Harley about what it will take to effect recovery:

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

Dear K. R.,

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=147963&Number=2002600#Post2002600

I dont have any advise for you as I am quite new here but I wanted to post and let you know that my story is very similar to yours except in my case My H was away internationally and then after he returned they continuted communictions and she flew here to vist him for 4 days. All of this happened right here under my own nose and I knew somethign was wrong but was afarid to admit the sighs I was seeing.
Anyway that is april 29th and now its been about 2 months and my H and I have been talking and trying to work it out. I feel better that I have found these boards to help get the outlet and support that I so desperately need right now.
So know that there are other out ther in the same boat and you are not alone in your pain and journey.