As I see it, and I could be wrong, that the affair is over for her, but not for him. She has determined within herself that it is over.She doesn't want any contact at all with him. However that doesn't mean he will not attempt to keep chasing her. My only ill feelings is as he continues, his persistence will soon be exposed to her husband either mistakenly or intentionally by him.Then she may be subjected to questionning that will have to be answered in a timeline.
Malena, your decision to tell voluntarily or not is always ultimately yours. You seem very intelligent and I am sure you are aware of what consequences you may face if this turns out negative. Just remember this:
No one sees cancer when it starts on the inside, it is only it's results on the outside that people begin to notice.

Shaken

Shaken - I'm sure that if my ex had come to me and confessed the affair, we would be happily recovered.

I could have forgiven a weakness, or mistake. But the fact that it went on behind my back for so long was a real killer.

Her EA is not the problem. There are problems in the marriage. And her husband has the right to know that another man is assaulting his marriage. Then he can decide to make changes to protect it.

Right now he is happily in the dark while his wife is betraying her vows.

But she thinks she knows best. She prefers to keep him in the dark.

It just makes me furious that she has no respect or regard for her husband and family.

I don't know about you, but I want the truth in my life.

Great post, Believer...reminded me of something...and Shaken, I agree with you that Malena gets this already...

And the truth shall set you free.

That's what we're saying. Freedom is the direct result of knowing what you are responsible for and what you cannot be.

Our experience in life can be radically different. The truth remains.

You can only be responsible for your own stuff...your choices of perception, perspective, beliefs, feelings and thoughts--those are solely yours; and your actions.

Your human limits are that you cannot control other people's stuff or their actions.

When you really get your limits, you experience real freedom.

Which only comes from knowing the truth. Has real ownership (not taking responsibility for other's people's choices), awareness and commitment.

And it grows your marriage...because you're half of it.

When we try to control outcomes, we are trying to negate or change consequences. We can't do that. Our initial choices were made...those consequences come...and they keep coming for years and years.

We can con ourselves into believing we're controlling them...more fantasy. That was what hurt you the most, why continue it?

LA

Let's see.....

You're depressed. Your husband is depressed.

why might that be................


OHHHHHH. I know! I know! Can I answer this question?????


Yep.


Malena is having an emotional affair. Her affair partner LIES to her, and she doesn't seem to care. He emails her MORE LIES, and she BELIEVES them. See, that email where her ego is filled by his pursuing her...where he tells her that he told his wife about his wanting other women (LIAR!!!!) and his wife is okay with it (LIAR AGAIN) and he is just checking to see if Malena is sure about no-contact????

Well, no, she isn't sure.

How does Schoolbus know this???

Because the 'Bus knows. Malena tipped her hand, yeps, she did. Cuz in Malena's post, she talked about her supposedly "I don't want anymore contact with you" letter to the OM, Malena puts in ------small talk.


Malena, girl. Small talk in a no-contact letter means:

I'm saying "no" but I do mean "I really sort of want to say no. I don't really want to say no, because I am very much interested, but feel kind of guilty about what I'm doing. But you and I have had this connection thing, you know, we've talked about it, and I have shared some intimate details about my marriage - and my marriage isn't terrific as you well know - and maybe there really is a crack in this no contact thing. Check back in a bit and see if this wall holds. Cuz the no contact thing is most likely is made of pudding and not concrete. I need to be pursued some because it feels good, and while I know I'm not doing the right thing here, I think I might want to do it anyway, I just need a good push. Come back and push, before I change my mind."


One of the things I do for a living is language analysis. Just so you know. And I just see you going the wrong direction - while others here see you saying that you plan to tell him, I see you putting it off, and planning anything but. You need to put those brakes on NOW.


Malena, you are talking like a wayward spouse on the hunt for that other man. You sound like you will walk out on your husband, and not tell him. You have justified just about everything EXCEPT TELLING HIM.

Your next plan for justification is that you can't tell him because he's too depressed. I can see it coming.

Don't you even dare go there! Can you see that this marriage is likely making the two of you have sad feelings? That your current actions are contributing to the problems???????


You have the power in your MOUTH to stop this right now.

Right now.

Right. Now.

I am frustrated, because my stoopid husband could have done this. He chose FOR ME. And he could not see that I was sad - because I could not make him happy, make our marriage work.

Why not? Because he was chasing another woman, and putting his thoughts and energy INTO HER. And there was nothing left for us, for our relationship. What I did and thought

meant nothing to him.

NOTHING

And he DECIDED FOR ME

That I could not handle the truth
That I was too sad
That I would be too hurt
That I would be angry
That I would leave
That I didn't want to know
That I didn't need to know
That the family would be upset
That I would tell everyone in town
That that that that that


And HE HAD NO RIGHT TO DECIDE FOR ME, MALENA.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DECIDE FOR HIM.

Somehow, in all of this, you have lost the compass inside of you that points to the truth.

Here is the truth:

You have an obligation to tell your husband that you are considering, and have considered, a sexual relationship with another man. You have an obligation to discuss as an adult with your husband the needs that you have in your marriage that are going unmet, and allow him the chance to meet those needs. You have an obligation to hear the needs of your husband and to meet those needs as well.

You have an obligation to allow your husband to make his own decisions as a human being.


Honor, dignity, compassion, love, honesty, respect.

Make those the cornerstones of your relationship with your husband.

He knows something is wrong.

Fix this mess.

SB

Schoolbus - EXACTLY!!!!!!!!

It's like watching a trainwreck about to happen...........

Malena,

The only thing I can say now is this:

Tell him, before it is too late for you, for him, for your marriage; then, get to work on the Harley's methods together - you might want to call them and spend the money for at least one session to get you started.

If you hear only one thing on this entire board, please, hear that sentence, and follow that one piece of advice.

I wish my husband had done that. We would not be two years post nuclear disaster if he had.

SB

Wow, you guys. You don't pull any punches.

My no contact letter could have been better, for sure, and yes, as you said

" Malena, girl. Small talk in a no-contact letter means:

I'm saying "no" but I do mean "I really sort of want to say no. I don't really want to say no, because I am very much interested, but feel kind of guilty about what I'm doing. But you and I have had this connection thing, you know, we've talked about it, and I have shared some intimate details about my marriage - and my marriage isn't terrific as you well know - and maybe there really is a crack in this no contact thing. Check back in a bit and see if this wall holds. Cuz the no contact thing is most likely is made of pudding and not concrete. I need to be pursued some because it feels good, and while I know I'm not doing the right thing here, I think I might want to do it anyway, I just need a good push. Come back and push, before I change my mind."

I think you hit the nail on the head with the above. That was how my letter was probably perceived, and there was some truth to that.

What I'm saying, is that NOW, as in having almost a week gone by since sending, and then getting that crazy email this morning, I am truly, honestly DONE with the whole thing. It is over. I will not change my mind on this. I liked the attention. I liked feeling "wanted." It was utterly intoxicating, like a drug. I've never experienced anything like it. Scary in a lot of ways.

Now, I'm "sober" and with my eyes FINALLY open (maybe its a good thing he sent the email this morning. A complete turn off. Withdrawl went away -100% BOOM.) I won't get pulled back into the fray, as I won't be communicating with him.

And my husband? Today I told him (and meant it!) how hot he looked. Tried focusing on his needs, did no lovebusters. He was trying too- we even had to lock the kids out of the bedroom- I don't think that has ever happened before!! I am going to give him the reassurance that he needs, and make him feel special, and valued, and loved, and wanted. Because you know what? He is.

He didn't deserve this, regardless of anything. And I'll be damned if I will hurt him more by bringing this crap up when I've learned my lesson, and am done with it. I am going to do a better job on communicating my needs as well- because when I spelled it out really clear... he got it. I just had to be really, really direct. And I am going to ask him what his needs are, and really get a handle on that.


I don't really know where OM's head is at in all this, and frankly, I don't really care. All I know is that I'm not talking to him (I won't answer if he calls- he hasn't called yet) and if he emails again, it will come back to him undeliverable (is that what happens when someones blocked you? I think so.) I was an idiot and I behaved badly. I have to focus on making things right for my husband...

I need time to digest all what was said on controlling outcomes, or attempting to control outcomes. No question, I am attempting to do that. My family is at stake here. You bet I'm trying to control the outcome. Isn't everybody to some degree?

I can hear the pain you've gone through Schoolbus. You're entitled to be angry, frustrated. And believe me, your post is so, so helpful (they all are.) Really, it help me cut through all the crap both mentally in my head and also made this mornings email seem all the more transparent. I don't know why it wasn't obvious to me right from the start. I suppose I was hearing what I wanted to.

And no, I'm not still considering a sexual relationship with OM. Not even a bit. And I was minimizing the EA. I was in WAY over my head. I wasn't just playing with fire. I was playing with fire and gasoline, and I shudder (literally) at how close I was to pulling the trigger without even realizing it. I think if I hadn't been lurking around reading so many posts, I may have done it, even though I was telling myself I wouldn't.

Originally Posted by believer

Schoolbus - EXACTLY!!!!!!!!

It's like watching a trainwreck about to happen...........

Heck, I was living it and I even felt that way! Train wreck averted.

Malena,

I'm glad you are on the right track now.

Only you have one important thing to do.

Tell your husband about the EA.

Here's why. He cannot fix what he does not know is broken, Malena. You are not giving him that chance. Your marriage came very close to going over the edge, and you did have an affair - an emotional one.

That is not a secret you should keep from your husband.

You cannot repair this on your own, and your husband deserves the truth. You probably believe he will leave you, judge you, think less of you.

But let me tell you this: I would rather have had my husband tell me in the early stages, or before he had done anything, than to have found out on my own.

When the OM's wife finds out about you - and calls your husband, what will you say to him then?

If you keep this secret, you are living a lie. That is not what love is about, Malena. Love is about the truth. It is about honoring and respecting the other person, offering them the dignity of their lives in truth. If your husband somehow were to find out - and not from you - how much humiliation would he feel?

I can tell you how much. I felt that humiliation. It took every ounce of what I knew to be "me" away from the center of my soul, and vaporized my essence.

I was laid bare in humiliation before my husband. I looked at him and wondered, "Who is this man, who had so little love for me, so little respect, so little honor, so little regard, that he cared not enough to let me know the truth of my own life? He let me live in shame, and laughed behind my back, that he pretended to love me, pretended to care, when in all reality, he didn't care enough to try to work out whatever problem there was with me. He couldn't even bring himself to tell me that he thought there was a problem.

He wouldn't even tell me that he thought he might want to talk about something.

He wouldn't even take the time to talk to me.

I wasn't even worth that much to him."


I wasn't even worth the effort of telling?

Is your husband not worth the effort?

You just said

HE IS WORTH IT.




I don't get why you don't tell him, then.


It is your fear, Malena. It is your shame.


Do not shame yourself into a marriage that is doomed to fail because it carries with it this very dark and ugly secret.

You will hate yourself for a long time, and only be someone who does not meet the standard of a great woman.

Be a great woman. Lovingly sit him down and with love say to him:

"I love you. For a long time, I have been lonely, and our marriage has not been what we both have wanted it to be. I should have been working to meet your needs, and I have found information now that has promise to make our marriage stronger, and better.

But there is something we have to overcome in the process. I was selfish and stupid, and I nearly cost us this marriage. I know now about meeting needs in a marriage, and realize that you and I have work to do on that. But I was involved with a man and nearly got caught up in something that would have been catastrophic. I want to talk about that with you, because I never want that to happen again. I feel guilty, terrible, ashamed, but most of all, I feel relief that I stopped everything before it was too late - that I found you again, that I found help for our marriage, and that I know that we can have the marriage that we should have. I know you have questions about what happened, and I will be open and honest about everything. But before you ask, let me tell you I love you, never stopped loving you, and want our marriage to last. And let me tell you what I can about what happened."


Then, you tell him. Emphasize that you know the guy is a total creep. That you see how close it came, that you were an idiot, and that you are 100% responsible for being an idiot.

Also emphasize that you have been to this website, and that more than anything, you wanted to fix things before they went overboard, and you started looking for answers because your marriage was important enough to save before you nuked it.


Be prepared for him to be hurt and angry. No matter what, you take it. When he is angry, you tell him you understand his anger, and you love him anyway, that he is justified in being angry and that you will be waiting for him when he's past his hurt and anger to help him through that part. Hold him if he needs held. Keep your voice calm, and be humble. Let him know you mean it when you tell him you are sorry.

Make sure you get the kids out of the house, and allow plenty of time for this talk. Let him know it is a serious talk ahead of time, and then take the phone off the hook or whatever, because you need the time.

He deserves to know. Your marriage will NEVER be affair proof if you do not take care of this now. Let him know that the reason you are telling him is because you don't want to ever have to face such a problem again, and if this is not addressed now, the risk for a future problem is there - and believe me Malena, IT IS.

Come back and read for more advice. You are on a trek, and you need to do this.
Do not try to kid yourself. He will find out, and it is much better if YOU do the telling.
SB

No...Not even close Malena...There has been an ENORMOUS COLLISION in fact...the after-shocks will be felt for YEARS to come...

This is heartbreaking to watch...

This manipulation, that you wrongly think will "help" your family, will actually destroy each of you over time...

I assure you that your husband knows that something is "off"...the two of you are FAR from being intimate, and sadly, if you choose to follow your current plan, you NEVER will be...Your marriage will NEVER be fulfilling in the way a marriage is supposed to be...You will be actively LYING to him until you the day you tell him Malena...And guess what? Don't be too sure that he won't find out anyway...OM will talk...OM will talk...It will eventually reach your husband's ears...What then? Do you understand that it will be even worse for him if it's a long time from now? Do you realize that not only will the betrayal hurt, but all the time, possibly YEARS, that he didn't know will compound the betrayal and he will feel that he lived a lie that whole time-he will be ripped to SHREDS...And you have the power to change that, and you won't...that is not love...that is just plain sick and sad...You are treating your husband like he is your PET Malena...

And you know what? You will always wonder if your husband would REALLY love you if he knew the truth...That will create an insecurity in you that is deeper than the one that is already there...This will eat you alive too...Lies do that...This lie leaves you vunerable not only to the current OM, but to other potential OMs...As your insecurity grows, so will your need for outside validation...Nothing that your husband does will help you either, because you know that he doesn't REALLY know you completely, so anything he says or does won't count in your mind...It's a vicious path of torment that you are choosing for ALL of you...

What about your two little children? You think this lie between their parents won't affect them? It will Malena...You are robbing them of seeing their parents in a truly intimate, happy and fulfilling marriage-one of GREATEST gifts that you could ever give to them, btw...And they are watching you Malena...They watch you more than they listen to you...They will repeat in their relationships whatever you and your husband model for them...

And on and on this butterfly effect will go...

You are deceiving yourself if you think the path that you are choosing will serve you and your family well...

I very seriously hope that you will reconsider this grave choice...Guaranteed you will be sorry, if you don't...

Mrs. W

OMG SB, I cried when I read this. Beautifully put, exactly how I felt. Just perfect. Thank you.

Yes believer, I would want the truth in my life
I would want my wife to tell me that she was emotionally involved with someone. That she almost took it too far. I would be hurt and I would be devastated, but I would be glad she TRUSTED me enough to be HONEST with me. It would show me that I needed to do some work before I lost my marriage to an affair.

and that she would need some help too,because there is something obviously broken in her too.

Malena,

I know that this up to you, but you must know that it is not fair to keep your husband in the dark. It is not fair for you to try to do damage control.

You ever see a cartoon when a dam is about to burst and the cartoon character keeps trying to plug up the holes? He uses his fingers, toes, nose, tongue and each time another leak pops up. When he finally gets them all plugged, the water starts coming out of his ears and eventually the dam breaks.What he tried to stop happened anyway.
Same thing with your situation, you may keep it under control for a while, but eventually something is going to leak out if you don't tell it yourself. It maybe years but affairs, even emotional ones reveal themselves.

Malena, the others are right, the train wreck has not been averted at all. And it won't be until you tell your H the truth. This is information about your H's life which he has a RIGHT to know. You have no right to withhold it from him. To do so is to keep him in a marriage based on a LIE, against his will. It is disrespectful, manipulative and dangerous. You treat him no better than a PET who had no right of determination over his own life.

By not telling him, you are simply lying to him and manipulating him into staying in a marriage he might not choose.

More importantly, by not telling him, you are leaving the DOOR OPEN for a resumption of the affair. And I think that is WHY you don't want to tell him.

Bottom line, the man has to be told. The OM's wife has to be told. There will be no recovery in either of your marriages as long as they are based on fraud and deceit. Every day that you don't tell him is another LIE added to the pile.

Honesty is the solution to infidelity, not more lying.

Malena,

Been gone for a bit. I agree with the others. Imagine the train wreck when your H finds out. I think others have pointed this out, but I will repeat. If he finds out from others, then all you have done will be perceived as a lie to cover up your EA, although you are changing your approach to him and you are doing it well it would seem. All of it will be considered a lie, and why wouldn't it. "She did this not because she loved me, but she was afraid of getting caught."

But, there is another reason you should tell that has not been mentioned. If the search function actually worked like it did before the last upgrade, I would direct you a poster named Jill.

She posted here for a couple of years, and for the first year and a half she was adament that she would take to her grave the secret of her affair. However, what happened was that as her marriage got better, she could not enjoy it because of guilt. Further, she kept her H at arms length because she was afraid that she would inadvertantly spill the beans. So gradually a wall was built between her and her H to protect HIM??? no to protect her. But the marriage begain to diminish because of her walls.

If you carry this secret and you two actually do make your marriage some great which is really possible, it won't be what it could be because of your increased guilt and the walls you must build to protect this secret.

You would be surprised at the number of WS and Bs that come to this board having told or been told of an affair 5 years, 10 years, even 20 or more years ago. Why where they told?? The affair ate at the WS and the lack of honesty was killing the marriage.

This is like a pimple. Some people tell you to not pop it and it will go away. But, any Dr. will tell you to treat it like the infection it is and drain it NOW. It will reduce scarring, and it will promote healing.

It is as usual your call but you have been offered some powerful advice by many here.

God Bless,

JL

Yes, I can see where that could happen, the wall being built up.

I'm starting with getting my printer fixed and printing out the questionairres. H said he'd work on with me.

It's a start anyway. Guys, I'm trying. I really am.

No, it is NOT a start. It is a DIVERSION. Trying is not DOING; it is just empty talk. None of these gestures will compensate for lying to him. None of them. Recovery is impossible without truth. You are wasting your time printing out "questionaires" while you continue to lie to him.

Malena, he will associate those questionaires with this SHAM when he finds out the truth, so I would NOT suggest showing those to him, until he has recovered from the shock of your adultery. He will RESENT this pretend game when he finds out.

You are trying to pretend the Titantic is not sinking by diverting his attention to the peeling paint in the girl's bathroom. The hole in the aft deck has to be fixed FIRST before you start painting the bathrooms.

"I'm starting with getting my printer fixed and printing out the questionairres. H said he'd work on with me."

Are you reading here AT ALL???????? You have had some eloquent posts, and you are fixing the printer to print out the questionairres?????????? While still hiding your infidelity?

Amazing..................

I really don't know what to say. The reading of the posts and the posting, its a bit like counseling. I move forward, I go back. I sometimes have differences of opinion than most of you... I haven't been through what you have. I know my sincerity is not believed. I can understand that given where you sit, and all that you've seen, been through what you have.

Please know I am trying to figure this thing out. As bells can't be unrung, I am treading carefully on disclosing. I know I'm in the minority here, but in general, I disagree with disclosure to kids. I disagree that it is always the right thing. I know it was wrong. When the time is right to talk to my husband about it, I will. I have no intention of talking to OM's wife.

I am reading and re-reading posts. I especially am giving thought to long term implications of carrying the secret with me. That part...concerns me. I could see how that could build walls.

More later.

The time is right NOW. It is the time to tell your husband the truth, Malena. Honesty is the solution to infidelity, not more lies. Close this back door to your affair partner and do the right thing. Your H has a right to know so he can protect himself. Printing off "questionaires" while you continue to lie to him is silly. And counterproductive. We all recognize it for what it is, a silly diversion.

To continue to lie to him is manipulative and CRUEL. Tell the man the truth about his own life, Malena. Right this wrong.