Ezb,

Great quote...what's your plan to love yourself well?

LA

Start being happy for what I do have for one instead of sad about who I'm losing. I'm losing my rock in life when all along what we both needed was to be our own rock just needed to be side by side was all. The book is really helping me to look inward at my unhappiness. Whether or not it's good for my marriage I have no idea. I know it won't take my love for her away, that will always be there.

Ezb, I don't believe in happiness as a goal; rather, as a result.

I know when it was my goal, it became a lousy moral for me to live by. As a result, it's terrific.

So I'm hearing you say you are looking and finding a lot you are grateful for right now, making that your focus; rather than focusing on what you lack or about to lack.

Which may result in feeling happy, relieved, drops the discontent along with the fear. From changing your focus.

As with love, which contains respect, acceptance, appreciation, attention, acknowledgment, so does happiness contain love and its downline. Also has reality, ownership and presence.

Which is why we don't experience constant happiness at all times...for so many things are involved as the ingredients.

We can declare we are happy at any time and focus even on one of the components and feel it. That's a reality and a possible step into fantasy.

Seems that nothing God has given us cannot be used to the extreme for harm or health. Depends on how we use them.

Self-acceptance (without approval) is really tough to get to...and I think that's your source, as well as shifting your focus back to where you have control, right now, of feeling happy. As a result. Not as a goal.

I made my goal to know reality (because of my habit of fantasy)...and happiness is often the result.

Thank you for sharing your statement of love for your wife in your previous post.

LA

Sorry, but this is a really really busy weekend for me. I thought I did answer you. I told you that I based my assessment on the WAY you wrote, like the statement about the beautiful day you were married. In my experience, people don't think, talk, or write that way. It is a forced way of writing, and done so for a specific purpose - to prove your point. 'I really really love my wife, I'll prove it to you - on the day we were married she was amazing, the sky was amazing, she did a wonderful job...see? I'm full of hyperboles about how she walks on water - so I must be a great husband because I think so highly of her.'

Like you said, we can only advise based on what we know. We do our best. But like the caveats stated here, this is NOT a site for professional advice, only layman's. Did you ever call the Harley's? They would be better for giving you more accurate steps. We just do the best we can, and it's up to you to take what you want and chuck the rest.

I hope you understand that we don't post here just to get jollies putting someone down. What we say, we think would help you. It's up to you to decide if we're off the mark.

Cat,

It's just not how some people might take it though is what I mean and I know thats not anyones fault here but people (meaning myself or others like me) might not be in the best frame of mind to see it that way. I guess thats why I like LA's style, gets you to be open minded and look and think about the picture.

It's ok on the busy weekend. I have to lean on my own shoulder.



We went to the beach together today. I felt like I was pushing her to do something with me. I was so happy to see her and spend time with her. It felt like it was awkward for her though. We come back and the storm that blew thru took down the lighthouse I made for her and broke the light. Typical outcome of my efforts.

I was LA, I was.

{{{ezb}}} Do something for yourself tonight, 'k?

I know, watch HGTV's Design Star season premiere! That's always fun!

All I want to do cat is things for her. So much for the book huh. I saw the lighthouse and couldn't even keep it together. She does stain glass though so hopefully she'll want to fix it. How can this be hard for her as she says if she leaves not even wanting a hug or a kiss? She shows less emotion each time I see her. She says I don't know how hard this is for her. Shes right I don't, all I see her showing is it's not hard for her. A rock wall built that gets higher and harder every day. I just want to be there for her and then I can be there for myself too. Codependent they call it. Destructive compulsive disorder.

It makes you feel like an idiot too when the lighthouse upset me so much I didn't even look in her car to see the water that had collected from having her windows down. I should have helped her with that but she just wanted to leave so soon after we got home. What a mess. I hope buddy's ok. He's the dog that has seizures or episodes when there's thunder and bad storms.

I can't contact her today even to tell her she can use the carpet cleaer if she wants to suck up the car with.


I hope shes able to sleep the next couple nights. Going to be rough for both of us.

Well another barely slept night. Had to call into work today so guess I'll be around a lot. Do some more reading and try to fix the lighthouse. Not really sure what to do with the wedding pictures after tomorrow or my ring. How do you put things away and take your ring off when your heart and mind is still married? When you still want to be married how do you come to the harsh realization that your not? I guess you prepare yourself ahead of time the best you can but I haven't been able to do that.

Was an idiot last night and texted her asking if we could have sex after tuesday. Just been wanting her too bad I guess. Just been wanting this to work out too much. I'm sure she has too in ways.

Well so much for the reading part of the day. I showed her the book codependent no more and I think she understood I was finished with it when I suggested she read it also. I can't find it anywhere. Man what a day this is going to be.

I wish she would just tell me. Talk to me about the pain shes going thru so I can listen, so I can know how hard it is for her. She doesn't think I trust her because of questions I've asked. They weren't asked or intended in any way to indicate a lack of trust it's just a lack of understanding of everything and a fear of the future. The fear of wanting, the fear of knowing there are changes here for her waiting and the fear I'll never get the chance to show those changes. The fear of losing her love forever. I asked last night if she could ever try and love me again and she gave no answer.

She said she seen the love in the now broken lighthouse. I need to get to work on it today. Try to fix it. I can't fix the stain glass part of it though. The solder bent but the glass didn't break but there's no way with it bent it will go back in. I'll make it better and secure it so it doesn't tip over again.

I can't contact her today but I hope she contacts me. I hope she reaches out so I can hold her hand.

Well, today went ok I guess. Wishing she could talk to me. Hoping I could help her thru tonight and tomorrow and reassure her of my love, the love I didn't show properly. I still don't want this, I still want to love her and keep our once dream alive. It's still alive for me, still inside my hopes and dreams and always will be. I do love her deeply and I'm not just telling myself or the boards that. Had a bit to drink today so I'll try not to ramble and just keep my love for her alive.

Made the mistake yesterday of saying the word closer. This isn;t closer for either of us and I doubt that day in our chapter will ever come, for either of us. I know she loves me too and thats the thing that will never allow true closer to us, our love for each other.

ezb, not to stick a knife in it, but if you think she still loves you, why is she divorcing? I'm only asking because you say stuff like that, in the middle of explaining how she won't get close to you, and then there's that divorce...

I'm just worried that you haven't wrapped your mind around whatever the truth really is. I just don't want you getting your hopes up, cos it sounds like a divorce is pretty good evidence that she might not love you. I'm not there, of course, so I'm just asking.

Maybe she doesn't love me anymore cat. Only she knows for sure. Maybe she needs this to feel shes broken free from the control. Maybe she needs this to see if I really love her and still want her after I'm free. Maybe she needs to see if she can really do this and want me back. Maybe she needs this so she can be herself again. Maybe she needs this to see if I can be the one she fell in love with again. Maybe she needs this because it's the logical way because the divorce is paid for and if it doesn't work out we can always get remarried for much cheaper then it would cost to start the divorce over (she said this not long ago). She fired one lawyer because she was told she could put it on hold and then told the opposite. Maybe she does want to leave me totally now. Maybe she wants to see my love in the form of winning her back with a fresh start.

I've acted so long like I didn't want or need her. What a fool I was to not give my love unconditionally. What a lesson I have learned the hard way. She's asked in this thread that if I loved her then why did it take this for me to start showing it properly. It was because my mind and heart weren't in the place it was, is now and should be. I was too wrapped up in my selfish needs and wants to give her what she needed and wanted. Right now she can't believe I will remain in the state I'am. Can't blame her for thinking that, all I can do is try to prove it to her by my actions. I have trust in her and her love. Why would she come yesterday and go to the beach with me if this was goodbye? Why would she go to therapy with me if this was goodbye? Why would she take the book I had if this was goodbye? Why would she keep things still here if this was it? Why would she want to go see Journey with me and tell me to find out when the concert was? Why would we have an ice cube "fight" yesterday?
Because we know our love is real and we just need to gain that back after we both are strong individually.

I want to give her peace and harmony and the love she deserves and needs. I've stayed strong on that fact and will continue to do so and that is the only way we can reconcile. I've done and said a lot of things I never meant, we both have but hers has been not actions she didn't mean just words here and there we have all said on occassion we didn't mean. She showed she didn't mean them after, I didn't so now I have to show her that what I really mean and know is.......I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her in it.

I believe in it because I do truly trust her. I only can fight and work to gain her trust back in me. When I mentioned closer she said tomorrow wasn't closer. That tells me something right there. Now it's either one of 2 things. 1. It's not over for us it can just be a new begining. 2. It will always hurt forever. I know no. 2 is a fact for both of us. I also know I will work hard at no. 1.




But thank you though cat, I feel your showing care for me inspite of things with the way you put that. I do appreciate that.

Messed up just a few minutes ago. Was sending a e-card to her that before I could make it send for whatever date you want. For some reason it didn't give me that option and sent it immediately. NC day today so I hope that doesn't hurt. She was without power last night, hope she has some today because I worry about her every day and about how much this hurts her. Problem is I can't keep my mouth shut about how it hurts me and I can't ask her how bad shes hurting because there's feelings still being guarded by her so shes not hurt again. I have to gain that trust back fully.

Why did you ask this and what are your feelings on it?

There's a lot of maybe's in there for something that shouldn't be in my vocabulary. That says I don't have any idea what it really means except the fact shes divorcig me.

There was a court document she had her lawyer file though a month ago stating we were disputing things which was meant to try to delay it.

Well everyone, please pray for her. Please pray for her pain that I have caused.