As I stated in my first post, my w is a WAW. We've been separated since Memorial day. We had lunch together Sunday as a family. We have a 4 year old daughter. It was a great time, didn't talk about our relationship, just general things. I am in the DB process now.

On Monday I wrote her the email below.

"I just wanted to write you this note for two reasons, it will help me feel better and heal, and hopefully you as well.

I just want to apologize for not going to your doctors appointments, and the driving appointments. I have taken the time to reflect on the situation or the last few months and I realized today while reading my journals what I have done.

Sure, I know in the past that I have said I am sorry, but usually followed that up with I didn't know, or you never ask me, or I was in school or working OT. Always trying to minimize the hurt, which only increased your hurt inside. Here I was trying to justify my lack of respect and support, by down playing your feelings. I was wrong to do that. I always had an excuse. Nobody should go through what you did alone, and I let you. I let you down. I was not the man I promised you I would be. Today I have to take ownership of my actions.


So today I want to apologize. I have now excuses! There is no excuse. I should have been there. You shouldn't have to tell me, or ask me. Which you did both and I was to blind to see. "

She responded later that day with the following:

"At this point if it makes it easier for you to let it out, I’m here to listen. My life has been full of disappointments and with each one I get stronger. A year or so ago I could not have done what I have recently done, but as time goes on we all gain strength. I never intended to stop loving you, it just happened. Not over one day, month or even year, just happened. Focusing on moving on will offer you sanity and relief. I know right now its far from your mind but it will get easier, it has for me.

You will eventually meet someone and all these things you’ve learned will help you have a healthy relationship. You deserve a better person than me, I have to focus on me for awhile and get my own head in a better place. I really do feel better each day, some are good and bad but for the most part I am feeling better and less stress."

I didn't see the email until this morning. We talked on the phone late last night for about 10 mins. Again a great conversation about general stuff.

Should I respond to the email? I was thinking not, maybe I should not have sent the first email.

Any thoughts?

I had a W that was withdrawn from me, like yours is from you right now, judging from that e-mail. If you want a relationship with this woman again, then as hard as this might be, you need to stop all contact with her. Unless it's about the kids, dropping off the face of the earth, could be the absolute best thing to win her back. Try to be available very minimally.

Mean time, work on becoming more confident. Try and become attractive to women again. When you go through what you are, it can be a terrible blow to a man's confidence. I've found confidence is the very thing that attracts women in the first place. Might want to work on that, instead of contacting her with your new found 'ah-ha' moments.

She's withdrawn right now, and I'll assume your not living together. Being emotionally 'available' to her as she tries to move on with her life is not a position you're probably going to enjoy a whole lot. She'll use you as a emotional support until someone else comes along, and fills the void.

My suggestion would be to make sure you create a void. Let her experience what it feels like not to have someone to talk with on the phone, meet for lunch, anything.

I did this, and I was amazed how quickly she was back sniffing around, wondering what you're up to. And if they don't then at least you're no worse off. When I was 'there' all the time, she kept pushing me away over and over again.

Here's a great article that helped me with this...

http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog/_archives/2005/3/8/410458.html

Hope that helps.

- TTM

But TTM, cz hasn't done Plan A at all to the best of my knowledge. Cutting off all contact like in Plan B will backfire unless you lay the groundwork by demonstrating change such as in Plan A where you meet your spouse's needs without expecting anything in return. I wouldn't cut off all contact until change has been demonstrated. JMHO.

Thanks for the advise. I am working on plan A now. How long before I initate plan B. This the hardest thing ever, I miss her so much.

Do plan A for as long as you can. 3 to 6 months is usually pretty good. If you start to get so frustrated and angry at her taht you start acting out, you need to move to Plan B. Plan B will protect your love for her from her behavior.

But, time frames vary dramatically. Some people have been in Plan A for over a year.