I have had a 7 month affair with a guy who has been a casual acquaintance for years. It has been mostly an emotional affair very little sex. My husband and I have been seperated for months now and it is looking like we are heading for divorce. Am I naive to think that my relationship with the other guy will last? Do realtionships that start as affairs turn into real relationships?

WHY are you coming to a site that deals with infidelity and asking that question???? Rude.

And yes, they sometimes do work out...very rarely the WS and their scum bag affair partner go and live their happy little lives...that is until one of them cheats AGAIN.

What are you trying to do build your relationship with your husband? Stop contact with the other person. What kind of relationship can be built on something that was started with this much decent and pain.

I'm not blasting you...just take a long hard look at what you are doing. There was a reason you married your husband and if he is willing you owe it to both of you to build a better relationship together. It will be hard but all things worth while take work.

Ask yourself this:

What is the possibility of saving your marriage if you're involved with someone else? You say you're heading for divorce. Well, what are you doing to stop that?

I can assure you that having an affair isn't going to do much to help you reconcile.

As far as the chances of success go:

You're statistically doomed to failure. Why? Because if he does it with you, he'll do it to you.

Marriage is hard. Relationships are hard. They take work and aren't easy. The vows aren't, "Until I'm not happy any more" they are "till death do us part".

Think about it and do something about it. Breaking contact with OM forever is a start.

Here's what Dr. Harley has to say regarding your topic:

"My experience, and the experience of other professionals is that about 95% of all affairs either end by one person deciding to end it, or that it dies a natural death. Of the five percent that end in marriage, about 70% of those end in divorce. There are a host of reasons that romantic relationships that start with an affair are so fragile, but the main reason is that they are based on deceit, thoughtlessness, and dishonesty. Those characteristics eventually find themselves permeating the affair itself. They eventually find themselves being deceitful, thoughtless, and dishonest toward each other."

Yes you are naive......

YOu are not stupid though, since you can recognize your affair is not a "real relationship".....though, you ARE quite stupid if you thought we all were going to coddle and hold your hand and tell you that your affair will last and you will wind up "happily ever after".......

and I looked at your other post....you were not in a Physical affair back in January, and everyone told you to STOP THEN....so why the heck are you coming back now????

I take it back....you are stupid.....or at the VERY LEAST....VERY VERY FOGGY....

not2fun

The statistics give you a 3% chance of marrying, with a 75% chance of that marriage failing within 5 years.

But then, all infidels think they are going to be in the "lucky" 3% that stay married for 5 years.

How long did you stay with your husband before you found out you had nothing in common?

There is no need for me to even reply, i will just say DITTO DITTO DITTO what the other posters have said.

Of course, there are all sorts of possibilities. When the new flame gets old and boring (for either affair partner), they can just move onto the next one. That way life will always be fun and exciting and without any need to work on a marriage.

She may wake up at 50 on her fifth husband though.

Yes it happens. I know of at least two couples whose Ms started off as As. I don't trust any of the persons involved, and I don't associate with them.

There are various statistics quoted here about how many AMs fail, etc., but I haven't seen a definitive source for those statistics. I would suggest though that you don't get your hopes up. Someone who will cheat with you will likely end up cheating on you.

Was this A the cause of the separation between yourself and your H?

Please define "work" for the rest of us.

with prayers,

Gee, let's see.

I just found out that a couple I know is in an affair marriage. He hits on me constantly. He travels for a living. At a recent party, one of his friends commented openly that he was "the man most likely to hit on your wife". Gosh, how's that for a reference for your husband? The couple MUST be fabulously happy, and the wife must be very secure while he is off on those company trips...

Another couple I know of just got a divorce. The husband divorced the wife because he found out she was having an affair. Everyone in town thought SHE divorced HIM for HIS MULTIPLE AFFAIRS. See, HE was a serial cheater, and had been having an affair with a younger woman for many, many years - well known all over town. Except nobody would expose it (I didn't know!). Turns out, the WIFE had been having an emotional affair for 20 years with another man, and it had turned sexual only recently. So the serial cheating husband puts his foot down and leaves her over "HER INFIDELITY". Talk about the double standard....
And no, it wasn't right on either of their parts. Just crazy all the way around.

And the OM in the above marriage? He is still married, too. He recently was heard to say that his affair partner was (and is) his "soulmate" but that they can never be together...barf...his wife apparently is suffering from Alzheimer's and does not remember when told there was an affair.

The serial cheating husband? He's gone on - but not to marry the woman he's been cheating with for years and years. OH NO NO NO NO NO. He's dating all over town, with this one and that one and the other one. Complaining of loneliness and his missing his wife and how he's been done wrong. He actually still dates the long-time mistress. I wonder if she thinks he will marry her? What promise that would hold?


Would you say that these relationships are working??????

My advice to you is to take a very close look at why your current marriage is not working. Chances are it is because::::


YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND.

Maybe, just maybe, if you put some energy into loving your husband and working on your behavior in your relationships and your life, your marriage and your world would be a much better place to live in.

2 X 4 over.


Schoolbus

Here, read this post from Dr Harley, the expert:

Affair Marriages

Yours will be absolutely no different, no matter what you feel to the contrary.

Note: Pay special attention to the last sentence of the first paragraph. You still have time.

With prayers,

No, it won't last. Men don't marry women like that, they just use them for cheap, easy sex. He knows you are not marriage material, and you know he is not.

Dr. Harley, a clinical psychologist with 35 years experience:

As Mel just quoted, about 95% of all affairs end before ever leading to marriage.

Of those that do lead to marriage, less than 30% end in a marriage that lasts even five years.

So statistically speaking, you have about a 1 in a hundred shot at being married to your affair partner in five years...

Another little tidbit for you, the divorce rate among affair partners is even higher than for the rest of the population, which is at about 50%.

So, your chances for a long and happy relationship with your affair partner are between slim and none.

Since an affair is based on lies, deception and stroking each other's emotions and egos instead of honesty, open communication and things that create a lasting relationship, before very long those same elements conspire to cause a rift that because of the nature of an affair pretty much doom the relationship to failure.

While the feelings are powerful during an affair, they are pure emotion and are really only based on what the affair partners give to each other rather than on building anything of value for the future. There are no negatives to an affair from the perspective of those involved. All is rosy and none of the problems that come with trying to maintain a marriage are encountered...

Until, of course, you try to turn the relationship into a lasting one of value and reality...At that point, the very things that make an affair seem so attractive become liabilities and the odds of overcoming them by two people who have already shown disregard for anything other than their own selfishness are pretty slim at best.

And one more thing already pointed out is that "If he'll do it WITH you, he'll do it TO you..."

Your husband may not have done what he needed to do to make you feel loved and want to remain faithful to him and keep you from having an affair, but it is you that had to make the choice to become unfaithful. It wasn't his job to stop you from cheating, it was yours. Unless you have suddenly magically learned what it was inside yourself that failed there is nothing in this world that will prevent you yourself from doing it again.

And the same goes for your affair partner...

A marriage is hard enough to keep together without the doubt that will always be present. And in light of the fact that it is between two folks who have demonstrated their selfishness, the odds get nothing if not worse than average.

Think of it this way; when you married your husband, were you anticipating allowing resentment, selfishness and deception cropping up and driving you into the arms of another man?

And I'm sure you aren't anticipating it happening with this new guy either. But until you figure out what actually caused you to have an affair (Hint: It wasn't anything your husband did or did not do) your likelihood of success is minuscule.

Even if you and your husband never get back together and even if there is zero chance of that happening in the future, your current relationship is not likely to lead to happiness and wedded bliss.

Mark