Thanks jlr for your input..I am stronger than I was but I never saw this coming...WH losing his job..
I am going to think about this and not rush things...
I can't believe I felt sorry for WH when DS18 told me...I went to the loo and actually cried a bit for him...he is so stupid to have gotten himself in this position....all for a woman...he is losing everything he has worked for.I know its his own doing and I must be strong and protect myself and my kids..I will have to speak to my lawyer once I've decided what to do..I will NOT tell my family or friends untill I've made up my mind what to do.

Too bad hubby had to lose his job over the affair. I hope you have told DS about the affair.

I would NOT cosign to borrow money against the family home for money to start a business. Why can't hubby get another job?

The problem is the failure rate of so many new businesses. Then that money would be gone.

I let my ex take money from his retirement savings, and a $25,000. bonus. When it was gone, he came back for his "half" of what was left.

And all it did was feed the affair for a few more months.

Hubby may be hatching a plan with OW to work together. Who knows?

And he is being very low by confiding all of this to your son. Of course he knows that it will get passed on to you.

I would contact my attorney to protect the family assets.

Hope,

I got your message. Hon, I am not qualified to answer or give advice on this. I think what Believer is saying is dead on.

I would contact my A so fast and ask him...

I'm sorry I can't be more happy.

Thanks Believer for your advice.WH is planning on running this new business with OP.My problem is WH will get his money either way....by law when we divorce he will get 50% of assets...half the house..by lending money against the house I get to stay in house and if his business goes bang the amount he loaned will have to come off his half of the house..this is just an option...
I agree with you,WH should get another job...typically he wants to try make big bucks...the economy here is taking a lot of strain and I don't think its the right time to start a business.

I was wondering if my lawyer won't be able to wrangle it so that me and the kids can't get the house in the settlement seeing that he has no job...which means no maintainence.?

I t will be interesting to see if OP stays with WH now that his not such a good catch financially..he will have to sell his BMW 4x4...no car allowance anymore!Also no more living the high life...entertaining clients etc..

Time will tell.Its late here so going to bed will chat tomoro..thanks Queenie for being there for me...

I would leave it for the lawyer to figure out. How long would it be until hubby could force you to sell the house to get his half? Seems to me he will need to get a job if you don't agree to take a loan out on the house.

Things here are slow economically too. We are in a recession.

Still, I think it is VERY GOOD NEWS that he has no job and no fancy car. Let's see how long OW likes the new hubby. At 18 months, the affair is approaching the statistical mean for length of affairs. Bet this will be the death blow.

I would really try to keep from financing a new business. Stay dark and let them sweat.

Believer if I don't agree to letting him take a loan and we sell the house,it could take 3 months or more.The divorce would have to be finalised first than the house goes on the market...WH would definitely hae to geta job then.I bet he is hoping I will cave thinking I'll be worried that he won't be able to give me any money..
I got this sms from him this morning"Hi *** I need to speak to you,its very important and urgent.Please this is not a joke and
it involves you and the boys."

I am in no hurry to speak to him...the ball is in my court now...
I am worried that he will try to phone me tonite..what do I say?
He always tries to hold some power over me..note he doesn't mention in the message that he has lost his job.He tries to make me run to him...He doesn't know the new me and he is in for a shock.I am thinking of trying to buy his half of the house and pay him out..I will only be able to offer about 30%of this 50%.Lets see how desperate he is!!!

OP has lost nothing in this affair as shehas another job...whereas WH has lost friends,family...and his dream job..I wonder if he has thought of this.

Do I still let him know he can come home ? Sometimes I'm not sure how I feel about this either..What would be a good way to word this to him..?

Sooooo. He hasn't been giving you money anyway, right? Why would you want to RESCUE him so that he can carry out his plan to open a business with OW? That's just nuts.

Can you survive without his money? or without selling the house?

If he does force the issue and the house gets sold, you'll STILL have 1/2 of that. He'll STILL be struggling (consequences).

The way I see it, his losing HIS job is not your problem or an emergency. Let HIM figure it out. IMHO, you should stay dark. Let him and OP begin to LB each other. Stay out of the drama.

He knows what needs to happen for him to come home. When he gets to that point, he'll do it. Until then, I would stay dark and even ask your DS NOT to relay anymore messages.

Do you have an intermediary?

You: Hello.

Him: blah blah blah (I need to speak to you,its very important and urgent.Please this is not a joke and
it involves you and the boys.)

You: Call my attorney. Good-bye *click*

Yes, I'm with PrincessMeggy. Don't contact him, don't rescue him. Bide your time. Stay out of his mess.

A job loss is awful for a man, and especially one because of his affair. The consequences of his choices are just starting to be uncomfortable. Let him sweat it out and start LB'ing the OW.

It's the craziest thing, my ex (and even her husband) always swore the OW wasn't interested in his money. I used to mention that she sure helped him blow it at a fast rate.

As soon as he was out of money, she was gone.

"Him: blah blah blah (I need to speak to you,its very important and urgent.Please this is not a joke and
it involves you and the boys.)

You: Call my attorney. Good-bye *click*"

LOL, that was priceless, Pep. Good response - no tears, no arguments, no rescuing.

Princessmeggy thanks for your input..
WH is liable for the morgage as he stood surety cos the house is in my name.
At the moment I am working half day and I can work full day and earn more money.It will be a tight squeeze though.I can't rely on WH anymore...DS15 is angry at me cos I wont speak to WH.He says we will lose the house..He has just asked WH if he can stay with him from tomorrow till tuesday...he says he might stay there forever.
WH has told the boys that his computer business is going to be a great success and they can come work with him when they leave school. Suddenly I am the bad one cos I wont speak to WH.

Pepperband you are so right..I must try to keep my emotions out of this.I hate that the kids dont understand...DS18 feels guilty that he told me about WH losing his job...DS15 is angry cos his scared of losing his home....both are writing exams at the moment and they dont deserve to be in the middle of this....

My sister is my intermediary and I am going to speak to her about this later..She works with morgages and loans in the bank so she can advise me in that department.
I am worried that if I prevent WH from starting his busines the kids will hold it against me.Also I dont want to say too much in case it gets back to WH....

Your sons need to be left out of the financial decisions. Let them know that you will be following legal advice.

And please don't finance a business with the homewrecker. Let her take out a loan on HER home.

Going into business with an affair partner is just crazy. Their affair is due to end soon, and what a mess THAT will be.

There is NO WAY you can PREVENT WH from starting a business with the Devil himself as a partner ... WH is free to conduct himself independently and make his errors independently.

It is not your business to STOP WH - nor is it your business to HELP/ASSIST WH either.

If WH asks you to do 'XYZ' to make it easier for him to start his business, and it is not in YOUR best interest to do 'XYZ' - then don't do 'XYZ'.

Plan B means - you look out for YOUR best interest as well as the best interest of kids ... In MY opinion - Believer said it best - WH starting a business with OW is an UNlikely source for future success.

I'd stand completely c l e a r of his decision. Neither help nor hinder.

WH wants to be free to make decisions independent from your best interest - so be it. Make sure his business decision is independent - all on his own - he doesn't need anything from you.

Pep

Money problems and adultery - quite the coctail for disaster.

Tell kids:

"I will not invest our family financial assets into a business venture that is not for the benefit of our family."


Repeat as often as necessary - and never argue or explain further - they are kids.

"This is not in the best interest of our family, so my answer is no."

They want more details ? repeat ---

"I have made my decision based on the best interest of our family."

Pep

Believer,OP doesn't own the house they are staying in..in fact her and her EX lost their home cos a business they started went under and now she is in debt "because of her exhusband" thats what WH told me months ago..OP has no money to put into this new venture.
From what DS18 has told me they weren't fired because of affair.WH story is that one of the reps had it in for them.As far as I'm concerned there has to be a good reason to fire people.WH had told me that the CEO knew about the affair...he is in another city and not at WH's branch.I know they lie so who knows...they did go to company conventions together so staff at other branchs must have known.Anyway,thats the past.

This morning DS15 laid into me before school(its 8.30am here)told me WH was only trying to make money for US and he will look after us..also that dad would have lost his job if he was at home too.Well I lost it and told him that WH didn't have MY best interests at heart and that I was protecting us and doing what was best for us.I pointed out a few truths where WH hadn't given us money but had fixed OP 's car ($700) bought her a gas stove($400).etc..I told him I didn't want to hear anymore from him.He is going to stay with WH this afternoon till tuesday.
I have been getting all WH 's bank statements and credit card statement the entire time this affair has been going on, as he didn't change his address and never asked if they came to the house.he had changed bank branches so assumed they wouldn't send them home I think!!!

I haven't received any this month so I think he has twigged on his obviously been to the bank to discuss a loan for the business.Because the house is in my name I was able to put a hold on the access bond(extra money that the bank has made available to us if we need it)WH must have thought he could use that money!!At the start of the affair he had transfered about $2500 out of this account without me knowing,thats why I put a hold on it then,I never told him!!

Because I won't ok his loan,it will mean that I will have to sell my home,something I really don't want to do and I will have to down scale A LOT.Also I will have to work full day which isn't too bad.DS15 said he didn't want me to while screaming at me this morning.

I have to put emotions aside now and concentrate on looking after ME AND MY BOYS.I am concerned that WH is going to tell them "it was your moms decision to sell the house,she didn't have to"I'll be the bad one forcing them to lose their home they have lived in all their life.!!

Property isn't selling well at the moment either..I am waiting for WH to make contact,will tell him I won't sign for his venture and then I'll go to my lawyer.

I have to think as if his dead.The strange thing is I've been praying for God to remove OP from WH's work..He did that but He took WH too!!!I pray that He will remove OP from WH's life as well..lets wait and see.

I don't think WH has hit rock bottom yet...I know his going to blow a fuse when I don't let him get the loan.
DS15 is taking his compuer with him to WH so I won't have access to MB...only at work...please keep posting as I will try sneak some time at work to log on...I value all your experienced imput very much.
I keep thinking that me not oking this loan will be the last straw and WH definitely won't come home...but I can't worry about that know.I did think of letting his mom know about his job loss but she has never phoned me so I won't bother,his sister has been kind to me but she is definitely staying out of this mess so I won't tell her either.I haven't told my folks as my mom will worry terribly.
I am working a late shift tonight so I will try check in later...thanks again Believer ,pepperband and Princessm for your imput..

Be sure to clear your MB bookmark and history and login info. You don't want him coming here.

I was like you and thought it was better to appease my ex and let him have the money. BIG MISTAKE. It just financed the affair for another 6 months, and then he came back for more.

Your best bet is to stall, refuse to discuss anything with hubby, and let your attorney handle it. If hubby gets desparate, and he should very soon since he is not working, maybe he will sign the home over to you in exchange for support.

What he really needs to do is to pound the pavement and scare up another job.

And I'm telling you, there is nothing like money problems to end an affair. And that should be your goal, having the affair end so hubby will magically change back to the man you love.

Hubby will be angry because he has all of these fantasies of a business with his affair partner, but anyone with any sense can see that it would never work out.

Time is on your side. The affair is due to end anyway, most end within 2 years - over 90%. The longer he goes without money or a job, the better, because the OW will start LB'ing him.

When she finds out that she won't be able to raid your family finances to start another business, she will be furious. Good. Just keep dragging things out as long as you can.

Make him do the divorce work. Don't discuss things with him. Refer him to your attorney. Don't give him any hope of a windfall. He won't be able to last until you are divorced and the house sells. He will be insecure and afraid.

You hold all of the cards. Don't let him get to you through your kids. I'll be praying that you get to keep your home, but you also have to realize that starving the affair is more important. Your sons will leave home at some point, and you want to hold out for your marriage.

Remember that statistics say you will be back with your husband. It might even go all the way to divorce like my case, and you end up with him. It will be much easier to recover if he isn't all tied up in a business with the OW.

I love the positive and thought it should be there again for you to read.