LTW,

I agree with Larry and Mel...your W is hiding something. It may be something that she did in the past. It may be something she is still doing. But the only reason to hide is because you are doing something that you don't want other people to know about.

Start snooping. She is showing such wayward behavior that you're bound to find something. I know it's a catch-22, wanting to know but not wanting to know. In the end, whatever it is will be easier to handle when you know what you are dealing with.

Your W should agree to complete honesty. If she doesn't, she is guilty by her covert behavior.

Don't get sucked into the idea that nothing is going on. I don't want you to think that everyone here is feeding some paranoia, but more often than not, if it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck...

Keep posting.

People don't hide unless there is something to hide. Its that simple.

LTW,

Any kids?

The reason I ask is that I have a precious 3yo son who played a huge role in my decision to proceed in my efforts to end my wife's adultery. If it were not for him I would certainly have done a dark Plan B early on once I discovered her then EA.

Listen to ML. She will not steer you wrong. You feel like you can't trust anyone right now, but you can trust her incisiveness, and her advice.

If I had been able to follow her recommendations earlier on in my discovery of my wife's unfaithfulness, I believe I could have prevented the ultimate indignity...

Alas, I first discovered this forum and posted for the first time, AFTER she had begun surreptitiously inviting him to my home to give it up to him. Occasionally. For all I know, it may have been going on AS I was posting for the very first time.

I realize that your specifics are your own, but I put in exhaustive research online, in print, etc. and have chosen this site among them all for sound heartfelt concern. The community is great here, and you'll begin to recognize some familiar names posting to you as you embark on this improbable journey to peace.

Dude, hurting your wifes feelings right now should be the least of your concerns as she actively continues to commit her crimes against you and your reputation.

Whether YOU choose to continue along this emotional trail to H*!! she's leading you down is ultimately up to you. If there are no kids, I'd seriously consider throwing her out and exposing to everyone you can think of, before the alien inside her gets to everyone first.

She sounds far from humble and remorseful to me. If you can deal with her F-ing around on you and want her fogbabble to define you, continue giving creedence to the filth that is spewing forth from her, AT YOU. It ain't pretty now and probably won't get better.

If you wish to rise above the sewer your Wayward Wife currently lurks in, and do the noble thing (for her sake, for the kid's sake or otherwise), stick around here and proceed swiftly and judiciously.

If you stay on the high road at all times, and put forth your best effort, you will always know you tried. This is something you can be proud of. Ultimately all we have is our word. May integrity and honesty always be your ally.

I wish you the best.

I'm sorry you had to find us.

Here is my update.

When she came home things blew up pretty bad and she said alot of crazy stuff and I thought she was going to leave me again. I just kept calmly saying that I am not trying to punish her or make her feel guilty but my feeling must be validated and there must be full disclosure if we are to survive. Eventually, she calmed down and apologized and for the first time she let me know that she feels bad for what she had done not only because it was wrong for her but because it was hurtful to me. It was not the full on empathy that I had hoped for and I did have to kind of guide her through it but it was to me a major break through. I told her she was acting like a typical wayward and she did not argue. She actually kind of embraced it. The thing is that her PC has not been in use since we decided to get back together and she is not at all savvy about technology. I knew that there was a relationship, she has not denied it. She feels terrible about it and I think she understands that the majority would see it as adultery. I think for the time being she even accepts that while in her eyes the relationship was over, her actions during that time were still my business as they had an effect on me. Whether or not she stays this way, only time will tell. But for now I feel quite a bit better. I don't think she is hiding anything current from me. Maybe she is just hiding what she regrets having said to people when she was completely engulfed in the fog. There is still fog but I think the smoke is beginning to clear. Wish me luck and thank you for all the replies. I feel validated for the first time and you all gave me the strength to demand it.

Well, that is a start. She may really be sorry, or she may realize tht she could lose you.

I would put a keylogger on her computer and keep checking for contact with any males. And ANY male could be a threat. She has very weak boundaries.

When there are marital problems, it is necessary to do some hard work, not hook up with a stranger a couple states away.

LTW,

"I think she understands that the majority would see it as adultery."

Remember Pres Clinton saying with such a straight and earnest face to all America, "I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN!!"

If she is getting down to the exact definition, well we were separated, then the biggy is "YOU BOTH WERE STILL MARRIED like to each other"!!

And why in the world does she have a MY SPACE PAGE???

Does she write her # in men's bathrooms around town too?

Sorry, that was harsh, but I see NO REASON why a married woman must have a MY SPACE PAGE...except for the obvious one.

LTW, do you have a my space page?

Now, maybe because I am over 50 I am not hip to the happenen' things currently in use, but a My Space Page does not seem marriage friendly in the least. Please correct me if I am wrong.

Your W's actions, temper and rants would tend one to think there still is something going on.

I agree with the key logger. Keep up the snooping.

AND good for you for keeping calm and collected during her tantrum.

You are learning well grasshopper!

Stay strong,

Interesting thought about MySpace. My H and I both had pages that we used to update our families (we live several states away and they could always come look at the new pictures there).

It was how an old GF found H. She contacted him just after d-day and he told me. We both decided to drop the page (and any other internet space that might lead someone to us).

It's not worth it.

HTM

Sorry, the catholic in me could not resist.

One of the Devil's (yes I believe) favorite tools is the Internet.

Want porn? Instant access!
Like IM sex? Plenty of takers!
Want to chat up & hook up? Millions of volunteers!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.

Craigslist is the one that surprised me (disgusted maybe?). You can find a date with admitted married people on there. Awful.

Sorry for the TJ.

I do think that MySpace is outside of the extraordinary precautions safe zone. You need to ask yourself what the purpose of the MySpace page is and if there is any other way to accomplish it that doesn't put you out where potential problems lurk.

HTM

"I do think that MySpace is outside of the extraordinary precautions safe zone."

AMEN SISTER!!

A MySpace page is like a fishing hook baited with a big fat juicy worm dangling about 15 ft below a red and white plastic bobber waiting to see what kind of fish bites bites on it.

Sort of.

kirk

I do have a myspace page, 2 actually, one for my band/music and one just for my friends, all 4 of them and then about 30 bands that I like to stay updated on.

Today, to my surprise, my wife voluntarily deleted about all of the people from that game from her friends list, her page is set to private so only friends can view it. There is now a big banner on it that reads "I Love My Husband". However, I am leaning towards just deleting my personal page all together. I suggested that we have a shared page. At first she didn't like it as we have different musical tastes and music is what brought us to myspace in the first place. But in the end she said if I wanted that, it was fine with her.

This is not nearly the end of our problems but it was quite a surprise and any progress is progress.

LTW - just something for you to reflect upon and, if you feel like it, explain why you asked for prayer?

I've seen no mention of Christ in your posts, so I'm curious why you mentioned prayer in your first post, and then nothing?


With respect to your 2nd thread question, her reaction as well are yours are PART of the recovery process. If the "reason" you want her as your wife is "just sex," then perhaps you need to consider finding a more "available" partner, post divorce.

No, it's NOT "fair," but it IS part of the process. It's going to take time to get to the level of intimacy you are both "comfortable" with. What your wife is telling you, albeit not too clearly, is that MOST women view the sex act as the natural result of all the preceding actions that say "I love you." Most men "hear" it as, "she's in the mood." Well...she is. Most men are the "opposite." They generally have a higher sex drive, think about some facit of sex every day, and see sex with their wives as THE primary way that they 'say' "I love you."

All of this has been complicated by the separation, the attempt at divorcing, the difficulty in her seeing herself as an adulteress ("you drove her to it with your past actions" sort of rationalization), the lying, the NORMAL emotional and mental reactions to BETRAYAL of the marriage vows. Add to that the fact that you are both still young, had a rather poor image of marriage to begin with (the shacking up, etc.), and you are both are "square one" in learning what a marriage is, what true love is, what true forgiveness is, and what it means to be MARRIED. Thankfully there are no children to also have to deal with this mess.

So don' get overly "down" right now because all of this is a normal part of the process of recovering from infidelity. Just in case no one has mentioned it, you also need to know that the AVERAGE timeframe for Recovery from Infidelity is TWO years.

So you need to remind yourself that you are "in this for the long haul" because you are NOT "perfect," your wife is not "perfect," but you are both willing to try to recover because you DO love each other....but the "fairytale type" marriage was never real. Now you can both choose the marriage you both want, knowing (unfortunately by experience) that if you "just let things happen on their own without really choosing and working to build and maintain a good marriage," that disaster is "just around the corner."

This "recovery journey" is likened to a roller coaster and you are just now beginning to see some of the "ups and downs" of the process as you both WORK THROUGH the various aspects of recovering a marriage. Know that the "ride" will end, but you are both on it until it DOES end, unless one of you decides to jump out of the car and leap to "certain death"(divorce).

God bless.

I asked for prayers because while I am not a practicing catholic, in my time of need I found that prayer in itself is therapeutic. I believe in God.

I certainly did not take her back just for sex. I truly love her as a spouse and a friend. We have had sexual issues for a long time mostly due to bad things that happened in her past which I won't get into here. But I knew they would be there going into this.

Thanks for the response, LTW.

Perhaps this might also be a time to reflect upon just what it is you believe about God and why He only seems "therapeutic" when you have a perceived need rather than someone you have a daily relationship with.




Okay, I accept its not "just for sex," but that DID seem to the BIG problem you were looking to discuss. So let me ask about it in a different way. Would you remain married to her is she physically COULD NOT have sex...for the rest of her life?

What I'm trying to get at is YOUR belief in YOUR vows to her. What did, and what does, your vows mean to you in dealing with this "for worse" part?

I guess you are referring to my other post with the reference to sex.

I would stay with her and I believe I am strong enough in my commitment to her that I would remain faithful to her if for some reason she became incapable of having sex.

For worse... I have mentioned that to her actually. I think tat at the root of all of this is the fact that we made a promise to each other and while I meant every word I said that day I think she was just saying them. I feel bound to my vows by a higher power, she is not a Christian so I guess she doesn't feel the same or at lest didn't at the time of the A.

Let me just say, that I made a promise to her and I intend to stick by it as long as she is willing to let me. We have had many bad times through out our 10 years and this A was the first time where I felt like only one of us was willing to work for the other.

As far as my relationship with God goes, I was raised and schooled as a Catholic. I have in a way rejected the church but I have not rejected God or my spirituality.

Thank you for your replies ForeverHers.