****edit****

Here's a link to an not so old MB thread which discusses this issue. It's not that long but I liked it enough to save it (though I had to repair the link after the upgrade in April):


Link to Aug 2006 Exposure to Children Thread started by Star*fish

Mr. Wondering

I hope when you read that thread you don't miss the link that someone posted to Dr. Harley's words about the lessons children learn. Someone may have posted that before but I'll link it here again...just in case you missed it.

Dr. Harley: The Lessons Children Learn

Mr. W

Coguy:

You are paralyzed by your analysis.

As JL said. Your kids already have a pretty good idea that your wife is up to no good.

I am worried about you. YOU MOVE VERY SLOWLY and at this pace you will lose your marriage. The effects of telling or not telling the kids will be a moot point. IN fact, it is already a moot point. It is a moot point because you are about to lose everything.

Your d-day was Nov 07. Seven months later you are in the same position. I can tell you with great certainty that the affair is alive and well.

It is your choice to end the affair and save your marriage or to lose everything. When you lose everything your kids will not be happy with your procrastination. They will want to know why they were not informed and how you did nothing to prevent them from living in a broken home.

My son is doing MUCH better after exposure. It removes any confusion for the kids. He was 9 when he was told. He is 12 now. Doing great.

Stop delaying. You need to act now.

We have 5 kids, their ages are in my sig line.

One year ago my wife exposed to them while I was in an active A.
It helped the A come to an end!

I cannot thank her enough for being honest with them.
I was "INCAPABLE OF BEING HONEST" as a WS, and our children needed openness and honesty with love.

They are doing GREAT today and we have honest discussions (age appropriate of course) with them and can give them honest answers anytime there is a question.
They trust the answers because they were given the truth!

----------------

On a different note;

My parents both had affairs while I was growing up.
Guess who told me about it?
Neighbor kids!
All the lies devistated me!

My parents are divorced and my relationships with them are strained still today.

----------------

tst,

You're the first FWH I see on these boards. Lots of FWWes here, but you're the first FWH I see.

Glad to get your perspective.

COG, inactivity and fear of your W's anger or other's anger will destroy your marriage.

Your marriage may be doomed regardless, but you are a doormat and a chump right now and will be until you act. Acting will suddenly wakeup WW and she'll be like, "Holy cow. Where did this guy come from? He's not reacting to my anger. He's taking a stance against the man of my dreams and fighting for us!"

She'll be ticked, but a part of her will respect you for not being a doormat anymore.

Every man has a breaking point. Don't get to yours before it's too late!

There is another very important point I want to make. Don't be bullied into any agreements regarding your kids and under no circumstances should you leave the house.

SHE's the one betraying the family. Not you. She can be the one to get her walking papers.

If you walk out you'll hurt yourself in terms of custody and you will be leaving your kids under the care of a WW. Your actions need to be motivated by your need to protect the children.

Set aside your BH hat and put on what I call Papa Bear. You NEED to be Papa Bear. You must protect your children from the wayward.

She'll hate it, but so what. You'll get over her. Your kids are a different story. Seperation from them is a pain you'll never get over.

That's why you must protect your rights as a father and your children's right to have a father like you were protecting Ft Knox. Be Papa Bear. THAT is more important that getting your W back. Trust me. You'll get over her. You won't get over losing your kids.

Betrayed husbands have a way of letting the WW dictate things and manipulate them into divorces where they give up custody and almost all they owe.

Once sanity sinks in, the BH will see how stupid he was to live in fear of her anger and how that fear got him nowhere.

Don't be that guy. Take it from those that have walked the walk.

Along those lines,

You may want to consider protecting your finances.

First, IF your wife goes to see an attorney regarding a divorce the first thing he/she will tell your wife is to secure the money. They do so under the auspices that they've seen too many wives get cut off from money by their husbands and they become nearly destitute. The real reason is ... the lawyer wants to make sure they get paid. The less money available the less aggressive the lawyer.

If you have substantial monies sitting in joint accounts where your wife can just take the money, be careful. In some situations, we have suggested a careful division of monies whereby you move your share and your kids share of family monies into an individual account. Thus, if you have 4 kids and $60,000. in JOINT accounts you move $50,000 into an individual account for PROTECTION. $10,000 for you and 10,000 for each kid. You create a rational explanation for your actions such that later, if you find yourself in court, you can rebut opposing counsel from twisting your actions into maliceness and vindictiveness.

Second, joint credit cards. You don't want her running up YOUR debt or charging her legal fees to your card. Plus, you don't need to enable her adulterous lifestyle anymore. I envision your wife disputing your demand that your children quit the soccer team (your kids may dispute this as well...because they are children and don't understand what's best for them...you do). Anyway, IF she defies you saying "They are my kids to and I refuse to pull them from soccer" then you COULD pull your wife's entire access to money such that you can say "They are my kids too and I refuse to PAY for them to be exposed to such a hurtful and destructive situation for our family".

I KNOW this seems like we are progressively asking you to escalate this situation but it's the only way your wife will wake up. Don't do these actions with vengence. Be calm and cool when discussing and carrying them out. Exercise a peaceful strength that comes with KNOWING your right. Measure your words and especially what you document in writing. When all is said and done and you two are recovered, she'll APPRECIATE everything you did to save your family. If you end up divorced it won't be because of anything YOU'VE done and you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror and say "I tried as best I could".

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

In my three years on these boards, I have only seen Dr. Harley himself post 2 or 3 times. He supposedly reads here quite often but has far to much on his plate to handle the volume of topics herein and post to everyone for free. When he has chimed in it's been a wonderful gift, but nobody should expect it.

Anyway...what he wrote today over on the recovery board is somewhat pertinent to your situation so here it is (notice he backed up TST, a Fwh himself, who more than appreciates all his wife did to pull him from the fog):




What I get for you is: Radical Honesty doesn't apply until you are in recovery as you are protecting yourself from serious mental and physical damage. Also, that you should consider moving away as a potential solution (at least put the house up for sale and ACT like you are leaving town with the kids and she can come if she wants but you ain't staying until absolute NO CONTACT).

There are several studies that show that kids are adversely affected by divorce and by the chaos of adultery.

I can tell you that as a child, I was severely impacted by my mother's failure to give me moral guidance about my fathers adultery. Kids instinctively KNOW that adultery is wrong but when that instinct is not validated they become morally confused and learn to DOUBT their instincts. It is very confusing to kids when their parents don't give them moral guidance.

Here is what Dr. Harley said about it:

I didn't tell my kids until 7 months after d-day based on SH's advise. I'm not going to question his judgement, but me telling my kids was what finally put the nail in the affair coffin.

But now I'm not sure if my marriage will make it or not. There's encouraging signs, but it's still touch and go. I think if I'd have told the kids early after d-day it would have ended the affair before it emotionally got out of control which is what I'm dealing with right now.

If I had to do it over again, I would tell my kids immediately. They are 19 and 16. They both thanked me for being honest with them. They knew we were having problems but DS19 didn't know why (he's away at school). DS16 already pretty much knew but was afraid to say anything to me because what if he was wrong.

I used it as an educational tool also. Teaching my kids right from wrong. And they've responded better than I'd ever hoped. It's still hard on them, but whether it saves our marriage or not, they will know what is and isn't acceptable in a marriage. It's also brought us closer together than we were before, so if our marriage doesn't make it, at least that's a good thing.