Hi I'm DRO the betrayed spouse (BS) i foud out about my wifes affair about 2 months ago the thing is that she had it about 3 years ago. i'm trying hard to forgive and try to forget and most of the time i can do very good but then here lately i just start remembering all the times when i was ignorant of the fact that the signs where right there and that they took me for a chump, and just start picturing my wife and OM doing the deed. When all that goes through my head i could be doing anything and i just kind of shut down mentally and get angry inside. To make it worse i keep thinking aobut my son and that aout of the affair is where he came, i'm not his biolgical dad and that just keeps hurting me over and over inside every time i think about it. my wife says she can kind of tell when i think about it an says that i should try to find some one to talk to, but who do you really talk to about this without feeling like a (in my case) a chump and a failure. So i decided to give this a try and see if anyone can provide some guidance or words of wisdom. Thanks.

You are not a chump or a failure.

Simple question: do you want to save your M, and if so, why?

Trusting your W, giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Key words in this sentance: your son

So, in a nutshell, you trusted your W. She violated that trust from whence a child came yet you treat him like your own.

DRO, that doesn't sound like a chump. It sounds pretty damn noble to me.

DRO,

It is going to take awhile for you to really adjust to this news. I would strongly urge you to read the articles on this site. They will help you and the marriage.

As for being a chump, NOPE. Trusting your W was an act of love. You will learn here if you read the articles that complete trust is often a mistake. I have posted to your W on occasion but she doesn't seem to be posting here any longer.

I would recommend that you do so. In fact you might want to go to the pregnancy section and post there because there are a few men on this site who have dealt with what you are dealing with right now.

Pops is one of them. Another is K. I'll scout around and give a few of them a heads up to come to your thread.

Hang in there, this is hard news to take, but you have made your decision to remain married and that will allow you to receive a great gift from your son. You get to be "Dad".

God Bless,

JL

How do you know your son is not yours? Have you had a DNA test?

What made you suspect your WW?
How did you find out?

We did a one of those mail in DNA test.


I suspected it when it was first going on but qickly dismissed it after she assured me nothing was going on or ever went on.

And i founf out when she told me. We were reading his needs her needs and she just broke out crying and told me.

yes i do want to save my M. The why is because i Love my wife the A happened about 3 years ago and since then we grew together and then she dropped the news of the A on me about 2 months ago. i cant just ignore the fact that i love my W. And i wouldn't be able to be without my son i do enough of that when i deploy.

Has your wife answered all of your questions? Has she figured out the reason she was vulnerable to an affair? These are very necessary to move on to recovery.

Your son will always be your son. There is a special bond between a father and son that is impossible to break.

I hope that you DID contact an attorney to find out your rights should the marriage not recover. I take it that the two of you did not sue the OM for child support.

Other than that, recovery takes about 2 years.

Is your wife repentent, and willing to work on the marriage?

Yes she has answered all the questions. She says that she has and i believe i have to.



i have asked an attorney and because we are married and were married when my son was born I am the dad no matter what.
No have not contacted OM at all. he doesn't even know that he is the biological father.


Yes she is to both.

I am very optimistic about the chances for a good recovery. But it does take time. And there is no getting around that. It takes much longer than anyone would think.

Stop the self-talk that tells you that you were a chump or a failure. You sound like a good man and a good husband to me. There is nothing wrong in having trusted your wife.

Hope the two of you are spending at least 15 hours a week doing fun things together, and meeting each others emotional needs.

She really needs to understand the message of the affair and put boundaries and precautions into her life so that it will never happen again.

what do you mean boundaries and precautions? can you give me some examples?

I think the Harleys call it extraordinary care. She needs to have boundaries - where she doesn't talk to other men about any personal problems and comes to you with any issues.

Hey,
I have been posting but with my last post had over 100 views but no replys. But I haven't been posting because don't have anything to say lately.

For me things have been going good. We have been talking and just chillin together. H is doing great with our son puts him to bed every night. H comes home from a hard day at work and still makes time for me and helps around the house, so i've been happy lately.

I did tell H that I think it would help if he had someone to talk to and I want to thank everyone for replying, helping and even just listening to him. I know at times he is hurting and thoughts are rushing through his head but being able to talk to others that have been through this hard time and made it "to the other side" may help him know there is hope and a "light at the end of the tunnel". I believe in venting and not keeping things bundled inside, it's not healthy, so I truely hope that being able to get on here and talk when he is having a bad day will be better for him than keeping it inside. Again Thanks to everyone that is posting and even though the replys aren't "sugar coated" it's great to have people here to talk with.

My niece and her husband have been married about 19 or 20 years now.

Their first son is not the biological son of her husband. I will call him Tim, and her Amy. Tim was in the service when Amy found out she was pregnant with the oldest boy. She truly believed the child was Tim's, but was not 100% sure. She was very reluctant to call him or even tell him she was pregnant - they had dated quite a lot, but when he joined the Navy and left their home town, they had stopped regular contact and essentially had gone their separate ways.

But now, she finds she is pregnant. Before Tim left, they were very close, and maybe things would have been different had he not gone off to the Navy, who knows? But he did leave, and the relationship didn't really survive the longer distance, etc., they were young, and they both dated other people.

Pregnant. About 7 or 8 months into the pregnancy, her sisters insist that she call Tim and at least let him know that she is pregnant, and that the child is most likely his. Amy believes that is probably the right thing to do. So she calls him.

Much to her surprise, he shows up on her doorstep not too many days later, and tells her that he thinks the right thing to do is to marry.

And they do get married.

He does not know that this is CERTAINLY his child.

But when it is born, it certainly IS obviously another man's child.

Tim knows this. Amy knows this.

There need not be any DNA test.


The couple does have their ups and downs - don't get me wrong. It was hard at first, those first few days right afterwards. Tim wasn't sure, but he knew the child could have been his, and he knew he had chosen to marry. Amy gives him the choice to leave, as she knows that Tim can leave anyway - and may want to. After all, it is not his child, and he was trying to do the noble thing.

But what Tim does next is nothing short of noble.

He accepts his decision to marry.
He realizes that this may not be his child, but it very well could have been.
He accepts the child as HIS child, because he married the woman, and as the husband, he is the father - and anyone questioning this fatherhood is told very firmly by Tim:


I AM THE FATHER - I HAVE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND MARRIAGE LICENSE TO PROVE IT. WHERE THERE IS ME STANDING, THERE IS THIS CHILD'S FATHER.

And so it has been ever since. Nobody has ever questioned Tim on it again, because he made the choice to father the child - DNA, skin color, whatever, didn't seem to make a difference for him.

They have three more kids - four altogether. This oldest one is definitely the standout, as the leader of the rest. They all look up to him, as the oldest, as their big brother, and now as a young man who takes care of the others when they need it. He is a role model to them, a caring, honest, hard-working, clean-cut, noble young man.

Gee, I wonder where he learned that?
- - - - - - - - - - - - -



I know this child is the product of an affair. You didn't choose to marry afterwards. It is a different situation. The choice to raise a child who is not biologically yours is a difficult choice, but can be rewarding.

So often these days there are mixed families - stepkids, stepmoms, stepdads, half-sisters and half-brothers...the list goes on and on. I wonder so much about how the "family" will be defined 20 years from now?

I can no more advise you on what to do in your situation than I could tell the President what to do. I just don't know. Except to tell you about the one situation I do know of that worked so well for the family who threw their hearts into making that word - FAMILY - work for them. They loved each other, looked at what they had, which was each other, and held one another close. The worked together and worked hard - and today have a happy home and family to show for it.

Schoolbus

that situation sounds familiar lol. i will remember that story so i can use it to help me through the tough times and just for something that i can look foward to. Thank you Schoolbus