I am reposting this post here as I didn't realize that there was a "just found out" section. Thank god there is.

I'm starting a new post on this subject because I just found out over the weekend that my husband has officially cheated on me. I've done a bit of investigating this morning and have confirmed what was told to me by someone.

Right now I'm shaking with anger. Before I do something stupid and put myself in a position of looking bad, please, help with some advice for how to handle this.

All of my husband's friends knew what he did and they never said anything about it not being appropriate. I feel like such a fool to trust these people.

I'm soo tempted right now to get on myspace (where the woman who cheated with my husband is on) and write an open letter to all of our myspace friends exposing this. I'm doing everything in my power to stop myself.

I found out about this over the weekend, and just now confirmed it for myself. My H and I discussed this all day yesterday but the affair(s) did not get fully discussed.

I need desperate help right now so I don't do something I will regret in terms of unattractive behavior (screaming, yelling, throwing things, etc.)

Please help me get through my day.

Read as much as you can and understand about MB concepts (ENs,LBs, Plan A/B, etc .. , specially the first 4 posts on this forum. Realize that you are in roller coaster emotionally. If you can't take it, consider AD medication to help you get through this.

Is WH willing to do NC with OW ?, remorse and willing to ammend ?.

-rh-

Everyone has to do what they think is best, but I opted to ignore the other woman. First, I didn't want her to have the satisfaction of thinking she had any power over me. She knew he was married, and that was the only useful information I could have provided to her in the event she didn't know. Second, my beef was with my husband, so that is where I focused my attention.

If your husband is willing to end the affair, have no contact with her, and work on the marriage, then exposure is a moot point. Exposure is only used to end the affair not to be vendictive. The one stipulation is if she is married. Her husband does have a right to know what his wife has been doing.

Breathe deeply, pray, and read the information provided here as redhat wisely suggested. You are going to be dealing with this for some time, so pace yourself. This board is full of people who understand... so vent away when you feel the need to.

So sorry you are going through this.

Do you know how long WH's A has been going on?

What you need to aim for initially is for him to end contact with OW. Then you must try to understand what led him to the A (I am definitly not saying he was justified or that you drove him to it!) But, he went into an affair because something was lacking in his marriage to you that this OW could fulfill. You need to understand what thay was, and correct your share of the problem.

The affair should be exposed to friends, family etc., i.e., in a straight-forward, caring manner to those you may have an influence over WH's behavior. But, expressing your anger, either directly to him through yelling, etc., or indirectly through slandering him on public postings such as myspace, will only reinforce his warped rational for the affair and drive him away faster.

Re. getting on myspace... hold off. Before you do anything, make sure you have a rational plan. Yes exposure is good but you want to come off as the good guy, not some raving lunatic jealous wife, possibly justifying "poor" WH's need to find comfort elsewhere. (NOT! I'm not excusing his A, just saying how he might spin an emotional attack on your part.)

Was it an EA or PA? If all your friends know, why did they not say it was "inappropriate"? Was it an EA and they thought that was ok?

Work out a plan for exposure. Who will you expose to (other than on myspace)? If you expose on myspace, what exactly will you post? What do you hope to achieve? What do you think will actually be the result?

Is WH remorseful? Is he willing to work on recovery? Does he agree to NC and a NC letter?

Work out your plan. Breathe. You WILL get through this day.

*hugs*

My H's BF's girlfriend told me in a round-about way on Saturday. I told him on Sunday that I knew what he was up to and that I wanted a divorce. He was remorseful, teared up, and told me that I deserve better. This morning I did some investigative work and basically went through all of his emails. Nicely, Google saves chat messages and I was able to read all of the chat conversations that talked about him staying at the OW's house and "sexy time." I busted him out on it officially this morning. He admitted to me that he sought out "Mistress Sally" on Craigslist 8 months ago and it snowballed from there. I am thoroughly disgusted by this because I actually met her and began to hang out with her in a group setting. She even tried to come onto me one night and I told her I wasn't interested in women. Disgusting. All of it is disgusting.

My husband clearly has a screw or two loose in his brain. He obviously has some type of sexual issues as he told me that while he feels remorseful about the A, he's worried that if he stays with me that he will just feel bored again because he's got such a desire for kink. I told him he needs some serious mental assistance. I sent him Dr. Harley's link on how to end an affair. He said he read it and related to the person who wrote the letter.

How dare he do this to me? I am NOT some ignorant bimbo from Jerry Springer. I am intelligent desirable woman. There is no excuse for this. It's a complete cop-out. It is a childish way to live. While I may not have been meeting his emotional needs (obviously), he obviously doesn't have the maturity to deal with it in an adult manner by telling me what he wants. Oh you all could say that he did but it went over my head. I like to think along the lines of my friend's child when she tells him to "use his words." You can't be more obvious by clearly telling the person what the problem is. On the flip side, I admit the lack of communication was on my side as well. But I didn't go out and cheat.

Anyway enough of my venting. I am proud of myself for not running around the house smashing things up. I am proud of myself for composing a blog intended as a PSA on myspace, but having the restraint and maturity to not post it. And I am proud of myself for being able to speak with him calmly about this in a mature fashion. These are all enormous accomplishments for me in the right direction.

I'm trying to figure out right now what my next move will be. If he and I were dating, I would have a much easier time moving on. But he is my husband and I do believe in the commitment of marriage. I told him flat out that if he was willing to invest the time to work on himself, that I might reconsider moving forward with a divorce. I have been very clear and firm that the next move here is mine and how dare he try to justify his behavior. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am back in the driver's seat.

You *are* in the driver's seat. It is your decision whether you are willing to accept him back and work on recovery, or to proceed directly to divorce.

If you wish to try recovery, read about Plan A and what to do when the husband cheats. Here's some links:
Steps to recover from an affair
What are Plan A and Plan B?

Get the book "Surviving An Affair" and read it asap.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I stick to my rules for myself? I told myself that if anybody ever cheated on me that I would leave. Now it has happened, and I can't leave. I just want it to be better again. But was it ever good to begin with?

I got a hold of our therapist and she said that he will do what ever it takes to blame anybody but himself.

Why can't I get out of this myself? He left to go to his business partner's house for the day, or so he says. He said that he doesn't want to live under a microscope and thinks it would be best if we just end it. Then right before he left he said, look I'm just going to go to his place and we can continue this discussion later.

I made an appointment to get an STD check, not that I think I have anything. I also made an appointment with my lawyer for next Wed. I could have scheduled it for tomorrow, but I chose to wait.

Why can't I just go through with it? Clearly this man is messed up in the head. One minute he says he loves me, then the next minute he says he wants to end it.

UGH!

What you are experiencing is common, there's nothing "wrong" with you (other than the situation you are in).

Please, have you read about Plan A? That is much more likely to succeed than just any marriage counselor, unless the MC is really good. You could also call for a phone counseling session with the Harleys (the founders/owners/authors of this site).

To add to jayne241's post....I'm a BH, and I'm doing the phone session tonight.

I also told myself that I'd never stay with a cheater, so don't be ashamed if you have decided to give it a try instead of divorcing him. You are not alone.

Hub, only you can decide if it was ever good to begin with... or if you believe it can be good in the future. Right now your emotions are all over the place, which is normal. It will take some time before you can rationally decide if you want to continue to stay married or not.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. We usually make that rule for ourselves before we have met our mates, or at a time when we don't really think it will ever happen to us. When we are faced with the rule being broken, we then have to weigh what we have invested in the relationship against a rule we set for ourselves long ago. Do we still love our spouses? How many years have we been together? Are there children that will be impacted? Is this an isolated incident or a pattern? There are hundreds of questions to be asked. I doubt we thought about those questions, if we even knew they existed, when we set the rule in the first place.

No one would blame you if you did walk away. But no one should judge you if you decide you want to stay. This is your life, and you are the one who has to live with the consequence of whatever choice you make.

My H's BF asked me out to dinner tonight. It was very interesting. He apologized to me and said that he does not condone what happened. So apparently this other woman is a dominatrix and she has fallen for him. The friend said her place is disgusting. I am beyond myself right now. He isn't home and won't answer is cell phone. I set up an appointment for a lawyer next Wed. and for an STD check up on Fri (disgusting but necessary). I am fed up with this behavior of his. I tried to call him but he won't answer my call.

My husband is sick with this sexual perversion of S&M. He needs mental help.

Update: I just got off the phone with my H. At least he finally had the guts to call me and tell me where he is. He said all of this isn't about the OW, it is about how he felt before it. That he's bored and uninterested and just doesn't feel the passion anymore, yet he says he still loves me and I'm more comforting. He says he feels that our relationship is just too far broken for it to work again. I think he is feeling very remorseful in regard to what he has done. At dinner his BF said to me that he doesn't believe I'm boring, rather I am quite the contrary. I think it is more along the lines of saying that he no longer lives in an unstable environment now that I am stable and acting right. Therapist says he thrives on the instability because that is what he is used to living with a difficult upbringing.

I feel sorry for my H that he struggling so much right now. I don't condone what he did to me, and I do accept responsibility for my part in what has happened. My actions have proved that I have turned my behavior around. This whole situation is sad, but my H's BF brought up a good point tonight in saying that this needed to happen if we want to work on making things better. The process of understanding is educating us in knowing how to be good spouses to each other. Without going through this, we would have not learned.

I hope he comes home.

I don't think Dr. Harley has a chapter in his book for "My Husband is in love with a dominatrix". Yes, she is a real dominatrix. I just woke up this morning to that lovely thought.

Sigh. Why me?

Keep a journal and don't take it personally or trying to make a meaning out of it for now. Like riding the roller coaster with WH/OW directing it.

Stay away from any male supports, find female ones. A happens b/c WS failed to protect his/hers ENs from OP, no one is immune from it.

-rh-

Correct you are. I haven't seen a dominatrix chapter yet. However, I think your situation would be covered by Dr. Harley's policies of sexual exclusivity, radical honesty, and joint agreement.

Last night, I was channel surfing and came across one of those top-ten or best-of type shows, and they were ranking reality TV show moments. The one I came in on was from an episode of "Cheaters", and it showed a woman walking in on her husband in a hotel room with a dominatrix. He tried to talk his wife into joining them and said the dominatrix was helping him work through his intimacy issues. So, there are other women who have had to deal with this exact issue, and there are certainly many others who have experienced betrayal. Don't feel like you are alone.

Have you looked to see if there is any kind of research or information available on the internet that explains what the psychological link is to certain sexual fetishes? That kind of information might give you more insight into what you are dealing with in your situation.

Have you read up on Plan A and Plan B because you need to put a plan in place to protect yourself.

Your situation seems like it needs a Plan B very quickly.

I spoke with my H this morning. He never came home last night. Of course he was with her. I called him this morning and he told me this. We had some discussion around issues - that he thinks that I'm not attracted to him, that I don't want to have sex with him, that I only do it because I feel that I have to - and he is stuck on these two issues thinking they will never improve. He said the OW gives him these things. He won't come home either.

I read up on Plan B:
"Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B."

I just finished telling him that I either wanted to try the MarriageMax tele-boot camp or talk to Dr. Harley, and I wasn't forcing him to do anything. I haven't received a response back. I don't think he buys into to either. He feels that beginning to meet emotional needs again is insincere, that I'm just doing it for him to come back.

He told me he's going to his Business Partner's cottage this weekend. I don't believe him after he had the nerve to tell me he'd stop talking to her then leaves and spends the night with her.

How can I not keep from telling his family, friends and business partner about what he is doing? Nobody knows that he fell in love with his dominatrix (UGHGHHH I have to think about that yet again).

I'm on both Zoloft and Wellbutrin. I cannot function properly since I found out about all this. It is far too much to handle for my brain. I am dressed, I did manage to get out of the house, but I'm in bed and have no desire to do any work (I work for myself). Eventually I know I have to, but I just can't right now.
My family is out of state, and I really can't delve into details about what is happening to anyone except his BF, who is tired of this and doesn't want to be involved anymore.

Should I just say F it and stop talking to him? I have a lawyer appointment on Wed and an STD testing appointment on Fri. I don't suspect that I have anything, but the dominatrix is a whore, and there was some overlap, so I need to be sure.

Yesterday was there "1 year anniversary" so I'm sure he had felt bad for not going over there to give her the ring and bracelet that he bought for her on the suggestion of her sister. I have the sister's phone number (she lives out of state and I got it off of one of the MySpace messages back and forth when I got into his account finally. In other news he has since changed his email password to something I cannot figure out.)

What do I do? I'm on drugs already. I called my therapist and talked to her yesterday, but I can't get into see her. So should I just stop talking to my H? I read on Marriage Max in regard to giving an ultimatum that it doesn't work and instead, I need to rebuild the connection, so that he wants to come back. Right now he's flip-flopping. One minute he thinks he wants to come back, then the next minute he wants to be with her because she makes him feel attractive and desired.

So what do I do? I'm beside myself at this point. And I'm very, very depressed even with my double-dose of AD's. I promised him that I would not tell his family the details. Prior to agreeing to this, I did tell his mom that I was informed that he was cheating. I have since said nothing more. Everybody is so sick of this story. I'm home alone and I can barely care for my dog. I'm getting by doing just the minimal. My cleaning lady came by and unloaded the dirty dishes in the dishwasher thinking that they were clean. I had to physically sit on my hands to stop myself from breaking every dish in the kitchen. Thankfully that helped. I've just returned from a 3.5 week vacation in Europe (the ripe time for WS/OW to get it on to their heart's content).

Life is as low as it can be. The only thing that could be worse is if he cleaned out our bank accounts, violence was involved, impregnated the whore, or gave me an STD. So that's about all that is keeping me going.

Every muscle in my body is tense. My stomach hurts. I can't eat three meals a day like I used to. I can't even bring myself to go to the gym anymore. I can't even muster enough energy to go to the store to buy the "Surviving an Affair" book, though I know I need to if I want it at once. I have dressed and showered though.

Oh how the day is dreadful. I feel that I am still rational enough not to hurt myself, so I am not worried about that. I just feel completely hopeless, sad, angry, disgusted, sickened, repulsed, ashamed, remorseful, tense, empty, etc. all at once. I could use someone to stay with me as perhaps that would help motivate me to stop moping, but I have no one to do so. I just want to lay in bed and sleep endlessly.

Hub,
Just wanted to send you an encouraging word, you sound so low. Most of us are here for the same reason and we can commisurate with you that it sucks. Your not alone!

I don't know anything about AD's but maybe your dosage is off, the combo is not right for you or there's an interaction you and your doc haven't thought of (I drink tons of weird herbal teas so if I ever take any medicines I'm going to have to do a lot of research, plus other known interlopers of medicines grapefruit, etc.). Maybe you should check that out.

I don't recall seeing anything about how you feel spirituality. Let me just say they don't call it "miracles" for nothing. People are amazed how well I am handling my own situation but my faith gives me strength and comfort. I am so glad I came to it before this all happened in my M.

Hang in there, vent here all you need to.
Good luck!

Sorry you are feeling so poorly. The anti-D's should kick in and you will feel a little better.

How long have the two of you been married?

I'm sure the affair won't last, but then you still have the problem of your dominatrix loving husband. YIKES!!!!