Are you still out there SMTL?

Yes, I'm still out here. I've been really busy with my kids activities and with work.

To give an update my wife had NC with the OM up until yesterday when he emailed her to ask if they were ever going to talk again. I deleted the message before she was able to read it but she knew that he had sent her a message. She then later in the day when I was at work emailed him back to ask what he wanted and asked how he was doing and what he's been up to. He responded but of course I intercepted those emails as well before my WW got them.

At this point I'm taking it day by day just monitoring what's going on and keeping my WW as busy and happy as possible.

What you're doing really makes me uneasy. Why? Because you are leaving out the free will aspect. You can keep her from reading messages from him, but that doesn't mean the same thing as her not WANTING to read his messages. Did you expose?

what you need to know is that any contact she has with him at this point will be time he will use to convince her any way possible that she should be with him. He will use every card in the deck, begging, pleading, crying, whatever. I know this because I am in the same boat and I feel bad for him, guilty that I've involved him in this even tho he knew I was married. He tells me how much he loves me and knows we should be together and that I've given my husband enough chances and that he can love me better, that I deserve better and that my husband should have fought for me in the beginning and confronted him if he really loved me. Just do NOT underestimate the influence this man can have on your wife in her vulnerable state...I'm telling you from her side of the fence, especially if she's a people pleaser and doesn't want to hurt anyone. For some crazy reason the last person I wanted to hurt was the OM...I saw him as the poor guy who I let fall in love with me.

stickpin, thanks for the advice. I know this guy isn't going to give up without a fight but neither am I. I'm doing my best at this point to keep them out of contact with each other. I do see my wife going through signs of withdrawal and hope that she can make her way through this. I'm trying to guide her out of this without seeming to be to be too overbearing.

Did you expose? To what extent?

Have you found out any more about the OM?

HAVE YOU EXPOSED YET?????

I did find out more about the OM and I did expose. She hasn't had any contact with him in about a week that I know of and very sparse contact with him for about two weeks before that. I feel that I've been monitoring everything very closely.

Alright, I need a little help here. Recently I've really been having a tough time keeping myself under control with this whole situation. I have so much anger built up inside of me and I don't know what to do about it. What have others done to try and relieve this stress? I'm trying to keep the LB's out of the equation but it's just becoming increasingly more difficult to handle. I'm don't know if antidepressants are the answer to help coping with this and if so do I just go to my regular doctor and explain the situation?

What exactly IS the situation?

Has WW agreed to NC? Is it verifiable? Are you two attempting to recover the marriage? Using what plan? Is she on board with that plan? If so, what steps have you taken together to build a good marriage?

or are you still in Plan A?

My WW has agreed to NC and it is verifiable to a certain degree. She has agreed to trying to make things work but it seems as though I'm putting forth a lot more effort than she is especially over the last few days. I would consider our relationship to still be in plan A but I'm becoming increasingly more frustrated everyday.

What is the "quick advice" you seek?

Pep

Look a few postings back from this morning.

Dear SMTL,

I am new to this forum and was initially looking for advice to get over a beloved's infidelity when I stumbled upon your story.
Browsing through, I realized how many others are going through the similar things I am with many more things at stake (marriage and children, as I'm not yet married)

I want to just say that you will be on my prayers list tonight, and I hope things are getting better with your family.

Never lose hope that the outcome of your life is in your hands. Love is an commitment, not an emotion. Even if one day things don't work out, you want to be SURE that you have given your BEST effort. From what I've read, you seem very committed and patient with your wife. I admire that, but you still have to demand her to honor her "vows" to you by not compromising any wayward behavior. As a woman, I myself look up to men who can stand up for values and be firm.

In my opinion, snooping up and pushing her to talk details too soon might drive her away. Giving space and time is important, but more important like what you've done is to show her that you still cherish her and can deliver her the attention that she needs. Sooner or later, there has to be an honest talk between you two given the time is right. I know you must be very emotional and frustrated, but it sends a much better signal to be calm and in control, and remind her of how good your relationship can be. Its worth to fight for your marriage, it might even be OK to take the attention away from the kids to focus on your problems first. They're much happier when their parents are anyway.

All in all...its your opinion and your action that matters. So be well read and plan ahead. Use the resources on the website..and my very best wishes & prayers for you. Good luck!

kinokawafan, thank you for your kind words. I think that's the message that I needed to hear. I haven't been visiting this website recently because I've been too busy with the kids, work and trying to meet the needs of my wife and with everything that's been going through my head I've kind of lost sight of the point that I need to stay calm and be in control which over the last few days hasn't been so easy.

Who did you expose to? It needs to include ppl who have some influence over WW and OM. I.e., both of their families, his work, any friends or church members, etc.

You need to stay strong. No one said this would be easy. Have you read all the articles here re. Plans A and B? Because it is recommended that the BS go on ADs, that's how difficult this is.

Plan A is more than being nice to her - it is also about taking care of yourself. If you are starting to lose it, you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself. Your kids need at least one rational, moral parent.

When you are truly at the end of your rope in Plan A, if she is still uncommitted to the M, then it's time to go into Plan B. Before you do that, COME HERE AND WORK OUT A PLAN AND A LETTER! Don't just in a fit of emotion start threatening Plan B type things. Before going into Plan B, you want one pleasant, memorable Plan A time with WW.

If what you are doing right now is just being nice to WW and trying to intercept messages from OM, you are allowing her to have her cake and (try to) eat it too.

Again, who did you expose to and what was the result? Usually when BS's expose, there's a whole slew of posts figuring out who to expose to, how, and then the backlash from the WS. If there wasn't a backlash then methinks you didn't expose enough.

How are things going SMTL?

We haven't heard much from you lately.

Things have been getting better. There has been NC with the OM in about 2-weeks and she seems to have gone through the withdrawal stage. We've been getting along much better recently.

Please just protect yourself by remembering that this will take months, not weeks. Sounds good so far.

Hi SMTL,
Glad to hear things are going well at the moment. Hopefully she is really having NC with OM. I looked through your posts today. If you do find that NC is broken, I ask you to consider exposing the A or EA to OM's father. I read that OM is employed by his father or at his father's company. It could help to expose to his father and make it clear that if contact continues, you will take action that will not look favorable for the company. I don't know what kind of business OM is involved in, but it is possible that exposure to the company would be enough to get OM to decide that contact with your WW is not worth the cost to his livelihood. Then, your wife might see that his interest in her is not as romantic as her fog thought encouraged her to think.

I can picture OM's father talking to OM and saying--What are you doing?? Is a roll in the hay with her really that important to you? Hope I am not being too graphic here, but most likely that is what it is really all about for OM. Oh, sure, he may have some idea about a "lost love" (gag, gag) but it's probably more about the roll. Would there also be financial cost to OM if your WW and he really got together--child support? You have done a very good job of maintaining an upper hand related to your home and family and the fact that you are not going to be the one to leave the children.

Really, I am glad to hear that things are going well for you and I don't want to make you think negative thoughts. Enjoy the good times and make the most of them between the two of you. Just keep the option of exposing to OM's father/employer in the back, back recesses of your mind if you find there has been contact. Congratulations for your progress.