I have been married to my husband for seven years we have one daughter together who is 6. I have a 16 year old son and he has a 9 year old son from previous marriages. Three years ago he just didn't come home one night and the next day told me that he was not happy and was willing to give me everything. Through my detective work I tapped into his cell phone records and it was very obvious which number he was calling a million times a day so I called it. He wanted to leave me for his cheating partner who was also married. One month went by and I was so depressed and would do anything just to have him back, he did finally decide he loved me and wanted to be married I'm guessing she dumped him because he would never admit it and did not want to talk about it. We did ok putting our marriage back together and he said it was the biggest mistake in his life. Now three years later guess what another affair, found out the same way as the last one and yes he wanted to leave, wasn't happy and told me that I deserved better!! That affair didn't last long of course I filed for divorce and much to my suprise he moved in with his ex-wife who I would have never thought he would ever even consider going back to. Now he's been living with her for two months decides he's in love with me and can't live happy without me....of course I feel like an idiot cause I still love him and hate for my marriage to end but I really feel I will never get past all the hurt he has caused me. Doesn't help matters that he has a 9yr. old with her that we had 50% custody of either so guess what else she would have to be part of lives...yuck! Guess I am looking for someone to tell me the obvious which after typing it all down seems pretty black and white to me, IT WILL NEVER WORK! Anyone had similar experience?? I hate giving him up but I sure don't want to give of ME either. I am very broken and jaded from his actions.

Welcome to MB. Please read up on MB concept and the first 4 posts on JFO forum then come back to post here. In short, do you want your M ?. If you want you come to the right place, it won't be easy and it might not save your M. One thing for sure you will learn a lot about M and how to keep it.

Guess I am looking for someone to tell me the obvious which after typing it all down seems pretty black and white to me, IT WILL NEVER WORK!

I am going to tell you in the contrary. If both of you willing it will work. MB is all about fallin in love and staying in love. It will not an easy work for both of you.

-rh-

SGR,

Was the 2nd A with his X-wife? Or did he just move in with her after his 2nd A fizzled.

Is she more like a mother figure to him, or was he sharing her bed?

He sounds like a serial cheater, which is a whole other kettle of fish.

kirk

One of my biggest concerns would be that no contact is virtually impossible for you to achieve if the ex-W is the one he had the second A with. You may want to look on the section about pregnancy and adultery...even though the child isn't a result of adultery, it may have suggestions about how to handle necessary interactions between WS and OP when NC cannot be kept.

I don't want to sound mean, but it's not really surprising that he cheated again if the two of you didn't get to the real roots of the problem the first time around. I bet you did your best, but it's hard to know. MB gives such wonderful help when trying to figure out the "causes" of an A...what ENs aren't being met, how to rebuild the relationship, and how to put EPs in place so that it doesn't happen again.

I don't think that you need to give up if your H is willing to work on it. But you cannot expect things to work if you do the same repairs you did the first time around. Do you have the money to talk with SH? I haven't spoken with him, but I hear that he can help with a concrete plan for recovery. If not, get the books, read the site, talk with your H...be open and honest about what YOU NEED from him in order to make this work.

Maybe, you could find a mutual friend that could act as a liaison between exW and H until you can figure out a better plan. It's not ideal, but it will be SO HARD to rebuild if she is still in the picture. Think of the A as an addiction...he cannot have ANY contact with his addiction in order to really recover.

Good luck.

Sorry sgr, I don't want to come off here as mean or disrespectful, but the above quote is probably exactly why you find yourself here once again.

IMHO, you and your WH never even dealt with the first A. You simply tried to find a way to excuse him and bury the devastation. This never works!!!!!

Where was the MC, IC, and openess and honesty that is required from an A? Where in all of this, was your WH's true repentance and just compensation for the horrific pain he put you through?

I don't see any of that in your post, which told him in no uncertain terms, no big deal!!! Arrggghh!!

Being desperate to save a M is like taking a poison and thinking all will live happily ever after. Doesn't work. Poison kills.

What will be your requirements for your WH to return this time? What will be your boundaries that cannot be violated concerning R and M? If you have none, than you can expect no recovery.

Sorry to be blunt, but there you are.

all blessings,
Jerry

He moved in with his ex-W after his affair with the 23 yr. old OW fizzled for whatever reason. He has one story and she has another, the OW has called me and told me her story and I don't know who to believe. I don't trust him so I am leaning towards believing her which is sad to since she knew he was married and cheated with him anyway. Not sure about what the ex-W, I know she's pumping his ego and telling him everything he wants to hear and yes they have been sharing a bed and acted like they are so in love. Of course every since he has lived with her he has continued to text and call me which she didn't know about until ex-W got smart and checked his cell phone records so that has put a wrench in that fairytale for both of them. I have dated only after he moved in with his ex-W which almost sent me over the anti-depressant cliff which he throws up to me and says we are even now, I can't get him to see that it's not the same I did not sleep with someone then come home to him and pretend everything was ok, never lied about where I was or what I was doing and sure have not moved in with someone else. Our divorce will be final next week and he is scratching for anything to salvage, I wish I could believe it was out of Love for me but I only feel like it is out of desperation. I did ask him to stay over Sunday night so we could be around each other and he said he needed to go talk to his ex-W because she was mad that he was even there and he didn't want to hurt her because she has been there for him through all of this. He said he would go talk to her and come back in a couple of hours, he left I had tears rolling down my face because he once again made me feel less important and text him and told him to stay at ex-W's. He just seems to have a warped way of looking at things.

All I hear from him is he wants me to be nice to him, that I'm nasty and mean. Yes, Yes, Yes because I'm HURT, ANGRY and BROKEN!!! I get compared to the ex-W who is so fun to be around and tells him what a great person and father he is and her big ego booster how gorgeous he is. He can't expect me to act like her...He continues to live at her house stating he has no where else to go when in fact he makes good money and could easily rent an apartment IF he wanted to. I just think he is trying to keep both me and ex-W on the line.

We did not deal with his first affair the right way, I know that was a huge mistake now. We just swept it under the carpet. It is amazing what people tell you about your S once they know you are not together anymore!

I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, and today I'm trying to be happy!

That's one of mine too, she will be a part of lives no way around that which is a huge flag to me that we cannot salvage our marriage. He is willing to work on the marriage after he's treated me like crap, I do love him and hate to give him up but I know he does not have what it takes to do all the hard work we would have to do to save our marriage.

SGR,

I am an advocate for saving a healthy relationship (or one that could be healthy again) but it doesn't seem to me that your H really is capable of doing the work necessary to recreate a healthy M. In a sense, he is "cake-eating"...he gets to keep you around for whenever he wants you but he gets to stay with OW (at this moment ex-W) who feeds his ego.

You deserve to be with someone who values you. Your H is not showing you that he does. He SAYS that he wants to work on the M, but how is he SHOWING you that he means it?

My thought would be this...if H wants to recover your M, he needs to change his actions. #1 is to return to living with you or get a place of his own...he cannot continue to live with another woman and expect to recover. #2 is to end ALL CONTACT with women if you are not present (that way you can get around the ex-W thing where he HAS to talk with her about their child). #3 is to get marital counseling.

I'm NOT an expert and it is easy to pass judgment from the outside and tell a person what they SHOULD do...you are the only one who can decide what is right for you.

Please read the book Surviving an Affair...I think that it will give you a lot of insight into the behaviors that your H is presenting and it gives lots of options for how to deal with those behaviors.

Keep posting for support. You can survive this regardless of the outcome.

Thank you for that reply, I definately need all the support I can get right now. I guess my biggest obstacle is that just this morning he told me he is getting his own place but we have 6 days before our divorce is final. I'm mad and hurt that he has not taken any steps prior to this other than he just wanted to come back home which upset me since it seemed like he just wanted to leave ex-W's house and return to ours. I am just so confused about what the right thing to do for me and our marriage is at this point with very little time before we are actually divorced. If had made the effort over the 90 day waiting period we have went through it would have shown me that our marriage was the most important thing to him but he didn't. I'm still very mad at him!

sgr,

Check to see if the divorce can be extended. In many states, if the couple is considering reconciliation, the divorce can be put on hold for a certain period of time, and if certain actions are not taken by a certain point, then the divorce is not fulfilled and the couple is considered still married. Check with your local court to see what to do. You may just need to go before your judge together and do something.


Next:

The two of you need to sit down and have a serious conversation. This "move here, move there, i'm with her, i'm with you" CRAPPOLA has to stop. You have to put your foot down with this

MAN????

and tell him how the cow ate the cabbage.

IF he wants to be married to you, there are rules, boundaries, and policies of joint agreement.

1. There shall be NO moving in with any other women at any time for any reason ever. This includes running home to mommy, the ex-wives, or anyone else for that matter. He needs a pair and he needs to know where they are. This ex-wife of his needs to understand her place, and it is

OVER THERE ------>

not at your house, in your marriage, or in your business. The policy shall forever more be that you may share custody of a child,

BUT NEVER CUSTODY OF A HUSBAND.

He needs complete clarity on that point, and so does SHE.

Set out boundaries of the exchange of the child, how they are to communicate regarding this child, and do not allow breaking of those boundaries. Period. Reasonable, adult boundaries, and ALWAYS THERE SHOULD BE NO ALONE TIME FOR THE TWO EX-SPOUSES, FOREVERMORE. THEY ARE NOT TRUSTWORTHY..

2. Both of you need to understand how a marriage is structured following an affair. There are new rules, and if both do not agree to the rules, the likelihood of another affair skyrockets. That is just the fact, and if both of you cannot agree to the rules - then do NOT REMAIN MARRIED TO THIS MAN. Read Surviving an Affair, and read this website in order to understand the rules. Of utmost importance would include: no contact with previous affair partners for LIFE; never spend nights apart; follow the policy of joint agreement; open policy of access to passwords and cellphone information, emails, mail, etc.; open information at all times to one another's whereabouts. That's for starters. Also, never will there be any time alone with persons of the opposite sex. No friends of the opposite sex (read "Not Just Friends" and you will know why).

3. He moves out of ex-wife's house. He should move either back home, or if that isn't quite your plan yet, he should move close to you where you two can spend at least every day together so you can begin to reestablish a married pattern of relationship for yourselves and the children. You two set out on a course of hard work to understand what was wrong with this marriage PRIOR TO THE START OF THE AFFAIR. While the decision to have the affair was definitely his fault 100%, the state of this marriage belongs to the both of you. You both have some deep thinking to do. There are books to look at - Relationship Rescue, After the Affair, Surviving the Affair - that will get you started in understanding where the two of you went off track. Also, you will need marriage coaching in order to work toward building a marriage instead of figuring this thing needs to be thrown under the rug and just "trying again". If you just "try again", you are doomed to the same outcome - you need to WORK. This will not be easy, and it will NOT BE OVER FAST. This will take about two years to fix, so if you are not in this for the long haul, then walk away now.

4. Your husband needs to sit down and focus on what he has done and understand where he went wrong. He really needs to understand this - what part of him allowed the decision to be made, what thought process happened, and what he told himself to justify this behavior. He needs to be able to thoughtfully analyze this process, because in order to KNOW he will be able to recognize this in the future, he needs to break this down piece by piece, and THINK IT THROUGH CAREFULLY. If he cannot talk about this entire process with you openly and thoroughly, then he has not worked it out.

5. He needs to answer any and all questions that you have about this affair honestly and openly. To do otherwise should be a dealbreaker for you. Do not agree to continue this marriage if he is unwilling to openly and honestly answer any question you ask regarding his AFFAIRS, and to confess all of his behavior to you. You in return should do the same for him.

6. Finally, you should base your relationship from this point forward on the policy of Radical Honesty. Read about this on this website, and if you both are not willing to have it in your relationship, consider the relationship not worthwhile.

Good luck, and I hope this helped,
Schoolbus

Great reply, but after last night reconciliation is NO LONGER an option for me! He has been texting and calling me numerous times everyday begging me to give our marriage another chance but has done nothing to move out of ex-W's house or even be honest with her about what's been going on between us. He storms out of his ex-W's house last night because I would not answer his phone calls to come find me where I was at a resturant with my sister. He asks me to come outside and talk to him where at first he was acting totally crazy and even told me he was crazy and said he was going to kill himself because he could not stand the pain of not having me anymore, he couldn't beg me back anymore. I told him that begging was just worthless words that meant nothing without action behind them which he has not done. We talk for about 20 min. then ex-W sends him a text that he has 15min to come back get mine and his daughter and their clothes and get out. He keeps trying to talk me into taking him back, asking that I put our divorce on hold for 30 days, my response is NO he's had 90 days all of which he chose to spend and act like he was so in love with his ex-W who he has told that he loves her and she has also told him how much she's in love with him, which makes no sense that he should even be worried about me anymore??? I finally get him to leave and go get our daughter he asks if he can come home one last time since ex-W has threatened to throw him out and I told him NO rent a hotel room, then go in the morning and rent you an apartment. He leaves, gets back to ex-W's and calls me and tells me with ex-W in background listening that all of his actions were just a ploy to get me back so he could dump me since I was the one who filed for divorce. HELLO you had 2 A's, what was I supposed to do??? He couldn't stand me when he was married to me and he was just trying to hurt me and then threw in that his son who we had 50% custody of and I did everything for since he was 2yrs. old for the past 7 years told him that he didn't want me and his father to get back together because I was mean to him. That statement alone sealed the deal for me, I have never been mean to his son and tryed to be a great step mom while also trying to have and be a friend to his ex-W for the childs sake. I was so shattered but this proved to me that from the parking lot with me back to her apt. he had to come up with some kind of believable story for her about what his intentions were with me so she would not kick his butt to the curb. This man is DESPARATE and NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP!!! At this point in the game I'm glad ex-W has him and all his wacked out baggage. I am concerned about my daughter being in that situation though, ex-W smokes maijuana daily and keeps it in the house of course when I confronted my H about it he said she quit when they moved in. Sorry don't believe that one either, someone who has been a pot smoker everyday of their life for the past 15 years don't just put it down because the love bug has bit them. Not sure how to handle that because anything I would say regarding it would be heresay. Contacting my lawyer on that one......Guess I have gone from Confused to PATH TO HEALING.

Wow. Isn't the moment of clarity liberating? I think you've nailed it. As I have said before, I am all for saving a healthy relationship, but wow, this guy isn't even close to the track for recovery.

As for your daughter...why is she there with him and ex-W? Do you have separation custody agreements set up? If not, I would fight to keep her out of ex-Ws home if you suspect drugs. It is a danger to your child and you should fight tooth and nail to get her away from that.

Don't let the stuff that your H said hurt you too much...he is WAYWARD and will rewrite history to fit his needs. The comment about his son is probably made up. His story will change so that he can protect his addiction. Just don't listen to it.

No matter what, you can survive it.

((((((sgr))))))

HTM

Just when I think he's got the message that there is no working it out because of the horrible things is has and continues to say and do he just keeps texting and calling. Still he wants to come home, move straight from ex-w's house right back to mine!! Can't make him understand that is NOT going to happen, that he needs to move out of ex-w's house and get his own place. Our divorce will be final in a matter of days, if I can just make it I hope the reality will be closure for him but not sure it will. One minute he's cussing me and saying horrible things and the next he's saying he can't live without me and please let me come home. I'm starting to feel as crazy as he sounds.

He's desperate. He sees that his choices have lead him to where he is and he doesn't like it. He's been able to have you and have his extra-marital life. Without you, the picture isn't complete for him. Too bad. He made the choice.

I think you might be best off just turning off your phone or changing your number. Go dark. Don't let him abuse you by swinging back and forth in emotional attacks. He is trying every tactic he can to hold onto his addiction...having a wife and a lover. After the divorce is final, like you said, maybe he will have a better understanding of your intentions.

And YOU know that divorce is not final. If at some point he changes and you come to a place where you want to work on your M with him, there is nothing that says you can't (I wouldn't tell him this...it may just give him the encouragement he needs to keep bothering you).

Stay strong.

Today is the day, divorce is final. My H did come over last night and pleaded for me to still try and postpone the divorce. We went through every emotion there is, fighting, anger, crying and finally we just held each other because we knew it was the last time we would as H and W. It seems so easy for him to want to let go of what's happened and get back together. I can't let go of all the pain, deceit and anger that easy. He took my phone last night to look through it, so I grabbed his opened it up and found that his wallpaper picture was him and ex-W lying face to face on a pillow of course I was outraged. He said she put it on there a while back and he didn't know how to delete it which I know is a lie because he knows every feature on his phone. He's still got his claws in me and I assume her as well. I have got to break free of this man no matter how much I still love him. It's so hard thinking about all the good memories we have had over the past 7 1/2 years, so so so hard to let go......

A few questions:

Is this your daughter or theirs?

Did you meet each other when he was married to ex-w?

One thing you should do is give his ex-w all the emails, texts, and messages he's left for you and tell her what he's been doing.

He's playing both of you.

I'm sure rekindling things with his ex-w isn't too crazy considering their past and their children, but it is an affair, unless you relationship with him started as an affair.

There's something about your situation and his character that isn't fitting. Did you have an affair with him when he was married?

Six year old daughter is ours, we have been married 7 1/2 years. Yes I did meet him while his divorce was in process, he was living in his own apartment and both of them decided that their marriage would not work. They got married because she got pregnant with their son, who is 9 now. Guess maybe she's feeding him now because maybe she does harbor ill feelings towards me. Maybe she thinks if he hadn't met me that they may have gotten back together??? When my H had his first affair I talked with his ex-W about it and told her that if that was what he did with me to her that I was truly sorry and she said that was not it that they knew that their marriage would not probably work but they both wanted to try since she was pregnant for the baby. Guess looking at it, it was an A since the divorce was not final. It was final about 30 days after I met him. In Tennessee you have to wait 90 days if children are involved. What comes around goes around right!!! I didn't find out until his first A while we were married that he had two A's during their 2 yr. M to ex-W, which she told me about. He is playing both of us that is for sure, maybe he doesn't know which one of us he truly is in love with. For them it's been over 8 years so they have both changed a lot. Just trying to understand what he must be thinking. I told him if we went to counseling he would have to cut off contact with ex-W except for dealings with their son and he will not do that so I graciously removed myself from the picture. Maybe they need some time together to see if they made a mistake 8 years ago or it was the right move for them. Me and ex-W have been friends throughout my M to H but now there is no hope of even that with the choices that they both have made. I did not know her at all before I met H.

Guess no one has anything else to share with me, sad because I have learned a lot from this site. I'm just very sad today..... I feel very lonely and lost.

There's different views on meeting someone while they are in the process of divorcing. States vary on length of separation before the D is final.

Some here consider it adultery on a technicality.

Others don't.

There certainly is no chance for reconciliation if the other spouse is running around with other people.

But sometimes there is no chance of reconciliation regardless.

I've met a few women who filed for divorce and were simply waiting for it to be official but were, for all intents and purposes, living as if divorced and just waiting for it to be official.

I think all the ones I've met started dating again before getting the official title of divorced. There was zero chance of reconciliation in every single case with those women and they were simply waiting for official approval of what was filed to happen.

I know of only one woman who I think will regret not waiting, the others had no chance of returning to their marriages. They were cheated on and the H was with OW and they decided they had enough and filed and were moving on with their lives and no longer talked to the STBXHs.

Your thread could turn into a debate on the issue.

You may not get responses from some because they may feel that you were in what is called an Affairage. A marriage resulting from an affair. If that is the case, they will say, you got what you deserved.

I think it's fuzzier than that. But he was a serial cheater so you shouldn't be surprised and you were a victim of this and you were likely to get cheated on again after he reconciled with you.

He's a broken man and he'll cheat on every woman he's with.