First, I just want to say that I know I have other threads going, but I feel this subject warrants a new one, so please let it slide.



I'm just wondering how BS's cope with the fact that their WS's (the WS's that had a PA, anyway) did intimate things with the OP. In my case, there were specific things that we did in bed that I was told she only ever did with me. Now, I'm not sure if those things were done with OM or not. But even if I am told that she didn't do them with him, I don't believe it (not after finding out how many PA encounters there were).
WW and I were far from virgins when we started dating 7 years ago, but I always new what she was comfortable with in bed, and what she was dead set against. After a few years of being together, she was more willing to experiment with some of the things she said she wouldn't do. I was always pretty happy and proud of the fact that she was willing to share these types of experiences with me, and very happy that she trusted me enough to try these new things with me.
Ever since dday it has always bothered me that she may have done some of these things with OM. I don't know if she did them with him...but, as the story goes...I don't know that she didn't.
Anyway, after rambling on, does anyone else have such a big problem with this issue as I have had? And, if any recovered BS's have had this problem, how did you cope with it?
I guess the bigger issue (not so specific to my example) is how do you, or thw WS for that matter, gain back the level of sexual intimacy that you had before the adultery took place?

WS responses more than welcome.
Thanks

If you need to know. Then you need to ask.

Just gonna tell you that you're still gonna catch it for a new thread, but...

I had a really hard time at the beginning. I knew some details that I didn't really want to know after I asked and he told me. It's hard to explain without the details so here goes...

H has never really been excited by oral sex. Before I met him, I had BFs who said I was excellent in that area. H disagreed. He was never mean about it, but it just didn't do it for him. Well, apparently H shared this lack of interest with OW and she rose to the challenge. He shared with me that she was very good at it, and that he came (something I could never achieve).

With that said, I don't know that I will ever feel comfortable with oral sex again with him. It is off-limits for me right now because it is such a huge trigger. But with regard to the intimacy of the rest of our sexual life, I have tried to look at it this way: H had sex with OW. But he never really loved her. He was infatuated, lustful, excited...but not connected. When we make love, I make sure to remind myself that he is connecting with me in love. It helps me some.

I think something else that just comes with time is that you realize that you will never be able to "regain" all that was lost during the A. The OM stole from you. Your W stole from you. You have to try to "reclaim" it. Make it special again by working with that in mind.

I have asked before, and have been told that none of these that we have experimented with together, happened between them. I guess now that I realize that I'm going to have so much trouble with visualizing her being with him (while we are intimate), maybe I don't want to even know any more than what I do now. Not sure what to do. Do I ask more questions, and get answers that I'm afraid of...or, do I just ignore any more instincts that I have to ask the questions so I can kind of convince myself that she didn't go that far with him?

In my situation, I didn't want to know details of what they did in bed. I still don't want to know. I know other details of the A and these are the details that I felt I needed to know. I consciously decided to not ask questions about what they did because I knew that I didn't want to deal with those details. The fact that he was intimate in any way with OW was all the info I needed.

I think that because I never heard him describe the things they did in bed together it has been easier for me to be intimate with him again. If I knew more, I know I'd have a more difficult time.

If you're the kind of person who absolutely has to know, then I'd advise that you develop a plan for how you'll deal with the info when you get it. Ask the questions and move forward.

Sounds like you ought to maybe do what I have seen others suggest here. Maybe you can write down any questions about details that you have. Think about it for a few days, and if you still want to know the answer, ask, but ask very specifically what you want to know.

I wanted all the details and I actually, to my great surprise, actually initiated sex with my H just a week after D-Day. I made that decision deliberately and for several reasons. I wanted to 'brand' him as my own again. I wanted to reclaim my marital rights. I wanted his last sexual encounter (if we split up) to be a positive, healthy, 'legal' one. I wanted my last sexual encounter (again, if we split) to be completely open-eyed and in full honesty.

I do sometimes think of the OW when we make love, but in my case it's been very healing to know that whatever thay might have shared, we can share that and more....we have our whole lives to share it if we choose. Specific acts that I thought I might avoid because thay did them have actually been a way for me to 'tame' the images in my head. Now when I think of those acts, it's me and my H doing them that pops up.

Hope you find your answer.

Oh, I'm new here....is there a rule about starting new threads? And is it OK to respond to anyone's thread like I'm doing here? Thanks.

Our MC suggested that I think about the motivation for asking. Was it going to help us in the recovery process for me to know the answer. We actually had H ask me this when the question I asked was one about details...that way I could really think about whether or not I wanted to know and why. If I still wanted to know, he told me. I learned pretty quickly that for me, the details of their sex life was not helpful in our recovery...in fact it made it worse. I stopped asking. I don't want to know anymore.

Mama,

You can respond to any thread you like. We are all here as a support system of friends. When you're new, just sharing your thoughts is great!

There is no "rule" about starting a thread. It's just that the vets here have explained that it is easier to follow someone's story if they start a thread and then stick to that one thread.

I had trouble with it at the beginning because the things going on in my mind needed IMMEDIATE responses...so I would start a new thread hoping to get more attention.

I learned quickly that it was better to start a new thread that just says...HELP ME ON MY THREAD...and point people to my whole story. (That's why I'm giving Introvert a hard time about a new thread).

If you don't have a thread of your own yet, start one and tell your story. Then as things happen through your recovery, you can post it there. I know I have a couple of threads that I follow daily...I'm sure others do the same thing.

HTM

I think that maybe I am on the same page as you now. When I asked for details, I was under the impression that they only had one sexual encounter...so I asked how it went down. The answers I got were bad, but not as bad as I thought it would be. Since it is known now that there were many encounters, I have pretty much chalked up the first answers as lies, ans I am kind of afraid to hear wht the real truth is, in fear of it making our recovery process even worse. Maybe, if we can recover, I will ask sometime waaaaaay down the road.

You may need to know at some point. But the biggest thing I have learned is that you cannot UN-KNOW or UN-HEAR the details. They will be with you forever. Sometimes it's better not to know.

Thanks, HTM,
I did start a thread of my own in 'Recovery' just yesterday and it's already been helpful.

You folks here are really a great bunch.

I've been doing a lot of indernet research since my d-day, and I found a technique (which I haven't tried) for getting the images of the A out of your head. You basically relax, then play the 'movie' of the image, then you try to 'rewind it'. Then you manipulate it in other ways, changing the colours, the point of view. The idea is that you then realize that you have control over that particular thought and it becomes less powerful and painful.

Not sure if that might help here, but there you go.

Ya, I've heard of those techniques. I read them in a book called-
"How to Mend Your Broken Heart: Overcome Emotional Pain at the End of a Relationship" by Paul Mckenna and Hugh Willbourn

It's written by 2 hypnotherapists. I know the title is a little strange for someone who is trying to recover his marriage, and WW doesn't like seeing the book around the house, but the visualization techniques are just as useful for my "images", as they would be for getting over an "x"...IMO.

I do this also, I got the idea from someone on here, but I don't remember who. I don't rewind the mental movie, but I change it to where when I picture my H and the OW in bed I actually kick her out of bed and my H and I are happy in bed while she was kicked to floor and forgotten and disappears.

The other thing I do is to start a fantasy in my head before the mental movie with OW in it begins in my head.

I've also found eye contact with my H while having sex makes me feel better. Our MC actually mentioned that eye contact during sex makes it harder for most people to climax because it is even more intimate. After that comment my H and I began having eye contact during sex and it makes me feel more connected and special to him. I haven't asked him how it makes him feel, but since he is usually the one to start it I am assuming he likes the way it makes him feel also.

And I know you don't want to hear this, but time does help, you have to give it time.

As for the details, I never asked details about what they did in bed. I have a very hard time getting details out of my head once I know them. I learned this early on in recovery and am glad I learned it, because the details that I do have are much harder for me to let go of than the things that I wondered about.

"As for the details, I never asked details about what they did in bed. I have a very hard time getting details out of my head once I know them. I learned this early on in recovery and am glad I learned it, because the details that I do have are much harder for me to let go of than the things that I wondered about. "


I understand this comment. The struggle I have is that if I don't know the details....OM knows something about my wife that I don't know !!!!! That's my dilemma. I can't stand to think that he has intimate knowledge about her that I am not aware of. It's a lose, lose....no matter which way I go about it I guess. Just a matter of chosing the lesser of two evils.

I know this is hard, but try not to get caught up in thinking about what the POS OM knows. Think about what he doesn't know. He doesn't know how much detail your wife has given you. He will never know your wife as intimately as you do, no matter what they did in bed. And remember, even if the OM was fabulous, you must be better if your wife is choosing YOU!

A small victory, but a victory nonetheless....thank you

Not really. The WW might be choosing to come back to the M simply because it's the best of the choices available to her. It doesn't mean that HE is better than the OM.

In my case, my FWW recently told me that our SF is just "physical" for her, and doesn't have special meaning. That about did it for my drive for SF. So apparently she certainly isn't choosing our M because I'm the "best choice", but staying M'd for the moment was the best of the options open to her.

MIM is right. FWW told me several times after D-Day 2 of the VLTA OM was better. I always thought, actually she thought so too, I was pretty good before she met OM. But then she met OM, who I suspect is indeed very good in bed or wherever, and changed everything forever.

Since the VLTA went on for a decade it was not just because it was new and different for her any more either.

I figured out how to eject the movies too. Got so good at it I ejected all desire for SF. And I am just fine with it.

With prayers,

Ouch...just when I was feeling better.

You can look at this as a challenge to try to better the guy.

I like the looking into the eyes idea that is a good one.