I didn't know where to put this post. Anyways...
Okay, this will more than likely be a very long post. Please bare with me because I just need someone to help me sort through my feelings because I honestly don't know how I feel anymore. It's the worst place to be.
My H and I have been married for 3 years...I am 27 and he is 29. We have a son who is 1 year. DH and I have a LOT of history; we are Junior High school sweethearts, so before we married, we had been on and off for about 12 years. From day 1 of marriage, I have been through hell and back with this man. A little more background first....as I stated, we had been on and off for about 12 years...all the "off" times was because of his issues of dishonesty, among other things. Before we got married, we had just gone through our longest "off" time of 6 months with NO communication. We talked one day, he left his then-girlfriend the next week, and we were married within a month. The day of our wedding, I knew I shouldn't have gone through with it...the Holy Spirit CLEARLY told me NO, but I did it anyways. And BOY have I paid for my disobedience. Anyways, my H's issues runs the gamut - from habitual lying, deep involvement in porn, can't hold a job, never contributed to our bills, periodically staying out for several nights at a time and avoiding my phone calls, etc., etc., etc. Through all of this, I have loved him and wanted SO Bad for it to work. I tried every approach - from the very ineffective nagging, to the loving approach that so many have recommended - basically just not saying anything negative to/about him, and just going to God in prayer about the things I didn't like about him. Anyways, this year, we've had some real hard times...shortly after our anniversary trip, I found a receipt that indicated that he pawned his wedding ring. I was oh so hurt. He didn't really understand why I was so hurt. This year, I've asked him several times to leave because he just kept disrespecting me by staying out, lying to me, etc. But we had decided we were gonna stay together and work on the marriage... Well about 3 months ago, he went to our home state to "visit" and 1 week turned into now nearly 3 months...he's still there. So he left us. After ALL the love I've shown him by being there for him and loving in through all of his issues, HE left ME? I feel so sad. Daily, I go through so many emotions. At first, all I wanted was for him to return to us. I have gone to him in humility and told him that I love him and just want to do whatever I could to make the marriage work. He promised me 4 different times throughout this process that he'd be home, only to have excuse after excuse about why he couldn't come. The last time he was supposed to come, I told him that since we were agreeing to both put our ALL into the marriage now to make it work, I needed to know whether he was seeing anyone else since he'd been gone for several months. I asked him if he'd given anyone his phone number or anything, and he said no. Well, this was the weekend, he was supposed to come home...so I needed to know for sure if he was being honest with me...if he were really gonna put his all in this time; so I checked his voicemail, and heard 3 different women on there. I was crushed! When I confronted him about this, he yelled at me and cursed me out, telling me that I'm insecure and paranoid. I was so hurt. He then said he wasn't coming back. Oh, and one more thing...since he's been there, I looked into his coat pocket and saw 2 pair of women's underwear. When I confronted him about THIS, he got REALLy angry and defensive with me, claiming it's an "old fetish" that he was dealing with. I tried to ask him what that meant? If it meant that he had slept with these women? He said no, but also said that he wasn't ready to talk about it in depth because it was "embarrasing".
So as you can see...there's a LOT going on here, and I'm going through SO many emotions about this whole thing. I love him, and I miss him; I miss the companionship. It is the WORST thing being married, but NOT married (unavailable) at the same time. In some ways, I wish he'd get himself together, and come back. But in some ways, I just want it to be over. I'm so tired of him. His reputation is ruined (my brothers or ANYONE in my family doesn't think he's good enough for me - ESPECIALLY now that he abandoned us this way) and that makes me feel REALLY bad. I don't really respect him anymore. He's always said that he felt I didn't really look up to him because I have 2 Master's degrees and he has a GED (even though I don't feel I ever DISrespected him - even HE could not tell me specifically how he felt disrespected). But even though I feel these ways about him, the thought of him being with other women just makes me sick to my stomach. And quite honestly, the thought of ME being with another MAN, makes me sick too! I don't think I could ever get over him. I think I'll ALWAYS love him. I don't remember what my life was like before him. But, I don't think things will ever work. He just has too many issues - I don't think I could ever trust him. I'm so all over the board with my emotions, that I don't even know what to pray anymore. I seriously don't know what I want anymore. How do I find out what I want? All I know is that I want companionship...I want to go out to movies....spend time with someone...I want sex. But of course none of that is an option because I'm married withOUT a husband! :-( I don't want this for my life, and I don't know if God's will is for us to be together. I just want God's will...that's IT, because I know it's the safest place to be. But I wish I knew what that was. What should I do? How should I be praying? How will I ever get over this hurt? What should I be doing at this point? Should I file for divorce to bring some closure? How will I EVER get through this? I'm so sad. help me sort through all of this please.
