Long story short. My WW just said to me that maybe if a day came along where something wasn't said to her or brought up to her she would be comfortable enough to have sex with me. We had no problems having sex for the first 4 weeks of recovery but then I told her how much it hurt me to think that she was with another man. As if she didn't know. I was pretty distant for a few days but I have been better for the last 2 days. All I did today was get sad for a moment when she walked in on me with my head in my hands. I told her I was sad for a moment but I'm okay now and we continued our day. So tonight I told her that I would really like to make love so that I could share that special feeling with her and she dropped that bomb on me and said she won't talk to me anymore tonight. So basically, if there comes a day where I am not affected by her actions then maybe she will make love to me again. It's unfair and cruel. I have no problem showing her loads of affection and spending all my time with her and forgiving her but the second I have the A pop into my head it's no sex for me. Sorry if it seems like I am over reacting but some one here gave me some good advice to post here instead of bickering with her. You guys are my surrogate therapist when my therapist is off the clock.

Are you seeing a MC? If so, bring this up in there.

She can't expect to 'punish' you for remembering your pain. I'm two years into recovery and found myself in tears last night. My wife held me and comforted me. There were no ultimatums or threats.

I know my tears caused her guilt to surface but I couldn't or wouldn't hold them back because of that. Just as I have to deal with my pain so must she.

Your wife cannot expect everything to be swept under a rug. I see NC was last month. Has she gone through any withdrawls from the OM?

So, you W hurts you, and then retaliates for you feeling pain by hurting you some more?

Your W's actions are not the actions of a repentant FWS.

How long was the A? Is NC established and verifiable?

Bad sign ... contact might be resumed, check it out.
-rh-

We are seeing an MC but will be trying a new one next week.

When NC occured, I was on my way to the lawyer to get my divorce. I had already about given up. I had no proof of the PA. She was calling me crying every night and I was just trying to be a good person and be friendly on the phone. She confessed to me and told me she had to tell me if there was to be any hope for us. This was the first time since she asked me to move out that she had shown any interest in saving the marriage.

I have snooped a bit and I have found no reason to believe she has had contact. However, I am smart and I have to assume she has some withdrawal. I also have to assume that when we do have sex, it can't possibly be as exciting as it was when she had the PA. From what she has told me, the PA happened 2 nights in a row and the next morning she cried and told him to leave. He lives 4 states away. She also seems to think that because the PA happened when we were planning to get the D, it is somehow not as bad. She goes back and forth, sometimes she shows remorse and admits to doing wrong yet other times she acts like I should feel guilty for "punishing" her even when I have not said anything about it at all.

sorry but your w needs the ole 2x4 upside the head. she is feeling entitled to her actions and thinks you made her do it. she has not owned her part in anything yet.

yes your marriage was in trouble but SHE is the one that stepped out.

try this. gather up all the strength you have and take her in the bedroom and give her one wild ride. reclaim what is yours.

Amen to that !!!!!

LTW,

Have you read the SAA book and have you discussed completing the EN and LB questionnaires with her?

This is a very cruel behavior that somehow she feels she is getting a payoff for.

I have read through HNHN and today at lunch I went out and picked up SAA. LB's is sitting in the drawer by the bed and we planned to read that together as soon as she finishes catching up with me on HNHN. We have completed EN questionnaire and I have been going over the questions at the end of each chapter with her as she finishes them. That's the thing that bugs me the most. I have been doing my very best to use the lessons in that book and while I have dropped the ball a few times, I pick it back up and immediately go back to meeting her needs but it's like she is only willing to meet mine if hers are met 100% and in her eyes that is 24/7/365.

I actually read the first 8 chapters of SAA today. I am feeling pretty positive about what I need to do. I just hope she is willing to hop back on the bandwagon with me sooner than later. Up until this last week I felt like we were both in this together.

Another thing I should mention about the NC thing. She did that voluntarily with out any pressure from me. She confessed to me with out being prompted to. I had pretty well given up and was ready to just give her the divorce she wanted and at the last minute she told me all of this. I think in her mind she cut things off with him not at all because of me or us. After the fact she decided she still wanted to be with me. I'm not sure if that counts as NC but I am 99% sure she has in fact had no contact since I invited her back into my home and for at least a few weeks prior.

Are you certain of NC?

Thanks for the replies everyone... OUC, I answered your question in the post before you asked it.

sounds like she may have come home because she didn't want to be on her own. not necessarily because she wants to rebuild. that way she can stay in the controling position because her heart is not truly with you.

you need to find a way to gain control of this situation.

pops,

There is not a doubt in my mind that FS is part of the reason she came back but she has told me several times that I was not just her best option but her choice. She talks about how when I was just being nice to her for a few weeks before we got back together she saw the person she had fallen in love with and had wanted to spend her life with. She talks about how there were other guys she could have dated but none of them were "me". She talks about rebuilding and spending the rest of her life with me. To be completely honest, she has only been withholding since last week and it may very well be that with all the arguing we have done the first few days she may just feel uncomfortable. I don't know. Maybe I will give it another week and try not to LB at all and see if she comes back around. As I mentioned before, the first several weeks of recovery were very sexually fulfilling for both of us. After reading most of SAA I realize that last week I started LBing pretty hard. I am not at all discrediting any of your wisdom or experience but I think that we are only 6 weeks into recovery and I need to give it some time before I start panicking.

Not a vet and not someone who successfully recovered a M, but I can't help notice your timeline is very short. She went from an EA in January, separation in Feb, PA in March, NC in April and you are in recovery by May? When was D-day in all of this? The reason I ask is because on my D-day, WstbxH claimed the A was just an EA and it had only been going on for 3 months. It took me some time and a great deal of effort to uncover the truth (and some of it will never be known for sure). WS's LIE. It's really easy to tell when they are lying because their lips move. They lie even when it serves no purpose for them to lie. Heck, mine still lies and he got everything he wanted. I would be VERY suspicious that your WW is still having an A, be it E or P. She's just gotten better at covering her tracks.

i am thinking along the lines of some others that your w may still be in the fog about om or the fantasy of the A. when she says theer are other guys she could have dated i see that not as a compliment but as a warning

now quite honestly she has only been withholding 1 WEEK. and you have been LB'ing. dude, pull your head out of your patoot and listen to what you have wrote

only married 16 months, her A up till now took 4 months off of that leaving 12 months. and you know that she just didn't walk into starbucks one day and grab the guy behind her to run off to bed.

how many of those 16 months were spent with you not meeting her needs in her mind? and how many of those months were spent with her really forming an emotional bond to om before PA started?

subtract those and most of your 1.5 yrs have been in turmoil. probably barely enough time for the honeymoon to wear off. and now she has seen the light in 1 maybe 2 months?

buddy, i think she is in the fog and trying but not convinced you are the one.

Have you read this ?


link

I can't help but notice your time line ...

You haven't been married very long & no children ...

Be certain there are no children for at least a few years into recovery

Pep

Your wife's attitude shows that she has absolultely no concept of the magnitude of the betrayal she's inflicted on you.

My friend, you weren't put through some small thing. Her cheating was a violation of something that was exclusive to you. Her actions are as traumatizing emotionally as rape. There is no simple, "let's forget it happened".

She should be comforting you and apologizing to you for what she's done, not giving you lectures on "just get over it".

My exww has the same attitude towards me. "It's been two years! Why can't you just get over it!"

Ummm. Again, clueless wayward mentality or denial of the enormity of their actions.

You have no kids. There's tons of women in the world who you could start from scratch with and never have to worry about them being unfaithful, or at least get a fresh start with. Cheating shortly after getting married is a huge sign you should bail and her attitude right now is not one that shows remorse, no matter how she rationalizes it. It's still a betrayal.

That falls into the rationalization I heard which was, "I had already decided the marriage was over, so it wasn't cheating."

Umm. Well, that was a pretty unilateral decision.

So she is using the same unilateral decision to justify her betrayal.

Cold. Heartless. Entitled wayward mentality that shows she is clueless and not at all remorseful.

LTW,

"but then I told her how much it hurt me to think that she was with another man. As if she didn't know. I was pretty distant for a few days but I have been better for the last 2 days. All I did today was get sad for a moment when she walked in on me with my head in my hands. I told her I was sad for a moment but I'm okay now and we continued our day."

There is a variation of plan A called "the 180". Or it's another option available to you that has worked well for some BHs here, like Mr. Bob Pure, who is much more articulate than I and can explain it to you if he is listening/reading.

In a nutshell;

No weepy wimpy woosy behavior. No relationship talk, no tender eye gazing, hugs and mushyness. Not even "I love you"s. Your actions are like you could give a cr@p if she is there or not. You care about her but your freaking life does not REVOLVE around her. YOUR life takes center stage. If she wants to be a part of it, that's cool. If not, you will get back to her.

You still plan A, being the best H you can be, but a little more detached. Like tough love. The ladies, it seems, do not hanker for a weepy, clingy, relationship talking, broken shell of a man...even if they are the cause of it.

She is the one that came running and sobbing to you when it was evident you could live with out her and were going to, correct?

You were standing up for yourself at that point. So now you are different? You can plan A and still keep your backbone.

Plus, I do not think she is intentionally withholding SF from you, but the W W W behavior (see above) is not tripping her trigger.

IMHO

kirk

I just couldn't help asking again because it feels funny. But I think pops is the one that brought up that she is still in the fog about the OM and the fantasy of the A, which in your case seems like it might lead to a repeat of the A.

Hang in there and keep posting. Listen to the tips on the LBing too because once you can be accountable for your own actions and rule out an conflict that you may be creating with the situation, things will become clearer for you on where she is really at.

i just wanted to elaborate on this a bit

>>>>>>>>>.i am thinking along the lines of some others that your w may still be in the fog about om or the fantasy of the A. when she says theer are other guys she could have dated i see that not as a compliment but as a warning

......... so what is your w saying/ that you should be thankful she has returned? SHE IS THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE THANKFUL THAT YOU TOOK HER BACK IN.

i see her as telling you that you are merely the option right now with those statements