I will try and keep this short.

First off, my name I picked as we raise English bull terriers, the dog famous by Budwieser....Spuds Mckenzie....I don't want to get off on the wrong foot and you all think I am pushy or mean. It isn't a name I would normally used, but don't wish to be googled and have my life read by everyone.

I am on my third marriage. Cliffnotes are, my previous two husbands cheated on me. The last was the most memorable, he is a police officer, his wife (was a mistress) in a case and their affair (which he denied constantly) was put on the front page of our local paper as THEY found out. Not a good way to wake up, but at least I mad my proof.

I should mention too, that because of my hours at 911 and that he had "ties" within the court system, getting custody was something he threatened to me that he would always get if I left. Never mind the fact that he was never home (always with mistress) couldnt tell you our chllds doctors names or anything else.

I was making 11 bucks an hr when I filed, I was tired of being controlled and threatened. He did make good on his threat and he has my children. Can't fight in court on 11 bucks an hr! He abused my older children (from previous marriage) brutually, physcially and mentally, but I never found out how bad until they were grown....my daughter, now 23, kept a diary...he threatened to slit her throat, choked her, etc....He never laid a hand on me....it could have meant his badge....but it was game on when I wasn't home with my kids. I never knew.

He has my younger two, who are 10 and 13 now. My daughter, 10, hates it there and wants to live with me. My son is becoming a mirror image of his father.

Despite the heartache, I keep moving forward. Worked alot. Met hubby #3. I am enrolled in RN school, self paced....it is my goal to get thru school in a yr and get a better work schedule to at least get my daughter back. She is failing miserably in school and wants to live with me.


He is everything my last husband wasn't. Kind, caring, never gets upset. He is a martial artist and civil engineer. My children love him. When my kids are here, I never see my oldest son, they play paintball, PS3, and have the relationship that my son should have with his natural father.

Well, during our marriage, he decided to follow his dream and is in a band part time. He is a drummer. I don't like his music(it's all original stuff.....70's) and furthermore, after work 8-16 hrs at 911 as an operator, with no breaks or lunches....the last thing I wanna do is go into a dive bar and hear loud music and be in ground zero for a fight. I am a homebody. I am content with my own company. I don't need to hang with friends all the time, in fact I have very few. Other band members wives and gfs have normal schedules so they are always there. I cannot be.

Long story short, a girl we met three wks prior thru friends was going thru a divorce. He invited her up, told her he was playing out....and I was in a severe depression in regards my oldest daughters wedding. (her MIL ran the show, I wasn't involved in anything and I just felt like a guest...) I told him I wasn't up to speed to coming out and watching him play after I got off work at 10pm. He was upset about that. (Big ego, huh?) He told me that nite, he would hang out with band members afterwards and I was cool with that.

The girl showed up. My friends (true friends) wanted to know who she was. They instantly did not like her. She got a hotel for the weekend, as she just filed for divorce.

After the gig, she was too drunk to drive, and my hubby let her in our van to our bassists house to unload equip (so she wouldnt be alone and would sober up) and Bassist told him he was makig a BIG MISTAKE.

Hubby drove her back to her car and even though she lives in the same county as us, she was "lost" and he had to follow her back to her hotel.

He came home at 3 am. I couldn't sleep, I always have intuition on these things. He didn't curl up to me and I asked who he went out with ....He said "Mel" (the girl).

He said he and she went to BW3s and talked about her divorce and about my problems....(my daughters upcoming marriage).

I was pissed that he would listen to HER and not come home to me as I was crying all month. I was equally pissed that he was sharing my life with her. If I want anyone to know, I will tell them. I asked if he slept with her and he said no.....I took him at his word. I told him there will be no more contact and he deleted her off his phone and email.

Well, all that was a lie. Riddled with guilt since the nite of 5-2-2008, he has talked to our pastor and gone to counseling by himself who both suggest he come clean and tell me.

So, he takes off work yesterday. I thought it was weird, as I am not off....Actually, I have been working 11 days straight.

At 10am, he comes over mutes the tv and tells me I was right. He went into all the gorey details which I asked for. THEN I had to go to work and dispatch for 8 hrs and it was not a good day.

Everything I believed is shaken. I have been fighting for time with him since we started dating. I am stuck on 2p-10p shifts and I get every 5th weekend off. I see him 1.5 hrs a nite and maybe 6 on a weekend before I go to work. I try to maximize our time together when I am off, he does whatever he wants with the band. Other band widows in our group are just as pissed.

Although he admitted this to me and has gone on his own to get counseling, he sure isn't trying much more than that. I am off tommorrow and he is going to the studio to mix up the cd they recorded last weekend. It is my first day off in 11. Avoidance?

None of this is gonna affect me finishing school. I am not caving in, I am sick of being cheated on by anyone in my life, but I am not letting anyone take anymore away from me.

But, what do I do right now as this is so fresh? I am mad, and hurt and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him right now. Seems like he feels better that he is going to counseling and he told me, but I don't see any effort.

Well, not trusting him is a good start, I suggest you continue this position. However, it is a good time to evaluate in your own mind just what it is that you want from him....how he will make "just restitution" to you for his affair.

He must EARN your trust back. And there is no set-in-stone formula for how he will do this, but you have to "set the bar" and require him to "jump" it. You must therefore decide what you need to receive from him....and communicate it to him.

He has made a good first step by going to counseling. There will come an appropriate time when you will either join him in it or you will both go to another counselor.

Your husband is, at least, being honest with you at the moment, and has "come clean" about his activities. Although it is hurtful for you, and understandably so, this honesty is the foundation upon which your marriage can be rebuilt if you so choose.

You should now begin to decide first whether your marriage is "worth" saving, or whether you simply want to end it right here. Not all marriages which endure adultery should be saved, in fact, a lot of them don't really ever recover from it.

It will take extreme dedication on your part to endure the suffering and you must have a sense that your husband is TRULY SORRY for doing it. Having him come to you even though you might have never found out about it has to count for a lot. I have to give him credit on this. Time will tell if he is really
repentant and wants to make this up to you, or not. If he is willing to let you "set the rules" for the recovery, that shows willingness on his part and a desire to continue the marriage.

If you decide that you want to continue your marriage, you have come to a very good place. This website has some of the very best advice available on how to rebuild after an affair.

How long have you been married to this guy?

I will give him credit for being honest on his own - that is unusual. But I see two strikes against you - his involvement in the band, and your long work hours.

Been married 3 yrs, together for 5.

Well, I am working to change my hours. I am a year away from my RN degree.

I am doing it FOR the better hours. I can work in a doctors office or any other plethora of options out there, but I am doing it for MY FAMILY.

I cannot make the band thing better. He has to want to change those things...Believe me, that is a huge issue for me.

If I were you I would do some reading. There is a very good book that you can get on this site or in the bookstore called "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". I think it is also called "The One".

The reason I'm recommending it to you is because you are on your third husband, and the third CHEATING husband. That shows that you are picking certain men, or allowing certain things in your marriage.

The tried and true wisdom of being a good wife and doing good things for your husband, without asking anything in return doesn't work. The book is very counter-intuitive to what most of us have been raised to think.

In the meantime, you can do Plan A, be sure to meet his EN's, spend as much time a week as possible doing fun things together, and see how things go.

BullyMom-
We have something in common! I am also on my third husband, my third cheating husband. Believer is right... we are picking certain men or allowing certain things in our marriages. Believer is right too in saying, "The tried and true wisdom of being a good wife and doing good things for your husband, without asking anything in return doesn't work." I was raised in this way, maybe that's where I learned to turn a blind eye. I agree that my "thinking" about the relationship that I have with my husband has to change. And we BOTH have to start thinking WE instead of ME. In fact I may have drove my husband to do what he did. Work full time, college, home business, kids, friends, etc. I have to slow down and smell the roses. It was not my moral decision but his to have this affair. I can only wish now that it hadn't come to be. That we both would have communicated to each other what we were lacking in our relationship and maybe put ourselves a little ahead of everything else.

carrieb - Hope you will get the book too. It is really an eye opener.

It talks about buyers - those willing to put in the investment and work- renters, those that are participants as long as things are going well, and freeloaders - those looking for a free ride.

Anyway, buyers are looking at the long term and are not willing to sacrifice all of their needs. That goes directly against what most of us have learned.

Let me say this.... your husband did not just "decide" to join a band...

musical talent is a GIFT FROM GOD ...

you say he is "following his dream".... well, our "dreams" are also a GIFT FROM GOD designed to guide us....

Your man's "dream" of his occupations are just like your dreams of being a nurse, or a mother... they are your "calling"....

You, as his wife, have a choice.....

You can decide to continue your "pissed" attitude toward it and make him swim upstream against you in order to use and improve GOD'S talent, or give up, and be an "unjust steward" and store it in the ground for God....

OR

You can decide to nurture, support, contribute to, and invest in GOD'S talent which lives in your husband.

Your husband is not a child who needs you to go sit in the bleachers and cheer at his ball game.

What he needs you to do is RESPECT his gift and his calling from God, and love it and support it like you are "bone of his bone", and "flesh of his flesh".......and recognize YOURSELF as the co-steward of GOD'S talent....with your husband.

The "band widows" just might learn something from you.....too...

I cannot help but feel that your comment was a personal attack on me. You do not do what I do and do not support. His gift provided him with an opportunity to bed another woman. It does not endear me to his "gift" as of late. However...

A cheerleader in the stands I ain't. I might remind you that since I dispatch for the county, I know what kind of fights break out in the less than desirable places he plays in and I take calls on shootings and fights down there. It is the last place I wanna go.

Last time I TOOK A VACATION day to watch him play out? He never once came and sat with me or to talk to me. My brother went with me and asked if he was mad at me for some reason. I had to pull him away from one of our friends where he plopped down to chat after his number. I have tried to support him and he sure doesn't make me feel like it is appreciated either.


I have offered to make him a music CD to post on youtube.

I DO encourage him when I see him turning down things that would gain him publicity. (for instance, they turned down a request from a NATIONALLY signed band to open up for them at Kent State University.) A band that MADE IT found them and they don't want to put forth the effort to go out to Kent and sell tickets and state it is too far to drive. (its an hr away) They have driven 45 min before and got paid nothing!

None of us band widows can feel supportive or special when our spouses go off in pursuit of God's gift as you say, and forget that they are leaving the people, their children, and their wives alone on important days.

July 4th? I have to work...no big deal for me....but for my gfs, they will be attending family events without their husbands. It gets tiring when we do not get the same time and consideration or PASSION as the band gets. They want support and what do we get? Our lives are put on hold or less important than a hobby.

It wasn't my calling to be a mom....I am a mom and a great one. It isn't my dream to be a nurse. I would rather be a marine biologist but I can't. The easiest way for me to be with my family is to finish my RN degree. I will be a great nurse and I will enjoy my job, but it is not my calling.

And I should add that dishonesty per Dr Harley comes in all forms. My husband never told me about his drumming dreams. Omission is just as dishonest.

Have you exposed the affair?

Yes I have.

Please elaborate. Who did you tell? What happened? How did your spouse take it? What's he doing now? Is there any reparation going on? Have new rules been set up? Need more info.

No personal attack intended at all...

And I agree that your husband should have told you about his dreams prior to the marriage. That IS dishonesty in one of it's worst forms. Perhaps if you had known this, you wouldn't have married him and you would have saved yourself a great source of heartache and demands upon your own time and effort.

As this is my first day off in 12, the only people I managed to tell were our friends and band members. I am not sure telling my family or his is going to happen. I don't see the need for it.

One thing I told him off the bat was...he was not allowed to go out without telling me. He has gotten mad in the past month or so....(holding his secret I suppose) and been very irritable and instead of being home when I am home, he will take off to the bar to clear his head and have a few drinks.

I set the bar on that. I said he was welcome to clear his head, but I have to know where...walk, beach, just off the computer in general and it isn't acceptable to me to have him go unwind and forget about problems at home over drinks and hang out with friends....many times his excuse is "we are going to argue anyways, so why be home?"

Avoiding me and our problems solves nothing. Drinking (when his feelings are hurt,) when alcohol got him into bed with the OW is not an option for him anymore. He was mad about it, but he said he would respect it. I bring this up, because in the middle of an email convo last nite...civil.. (the way we have to communicate most of the time due to my schedule..) He signed off and said he was taking a break and would be back later. Never bothered to tell me he went to the bar AGAIN! Two times, he has driven when he shouldn't have. ANOTHER sore subject. He is angry, he screwed someone and he is DUI. We both work for the county. We both need our jobs and he doesn't need to kill anyone in the process. Going to the bar in anger has to stop.

We had an agreement that we would never spend more than 50 bucks on ourselves without telling our spouse. I did not sign my RN schooling papers until I talked to him first and proposed the cost and time invovled.

He recorded last week....tells me it was 150 now it is up to 200 a piece (between three people) and they played for free last weekend for 18 hrs on a day that I was off. I need to know what things are costing on his end too.

The guy did pay them this week, 240 dollars and he is happy because he can pay his share that I did not know about. He figures as long at it comes out of his extra money, it's ok. He want to do side work for drafting and his exact words were...

I can make extra money for the band and if there is anything left, we can use it for us.

Leftovers for us?

What have I paid for in the past?

Nites out for Valentines day (overnite), bed and breakfasts.....movies, dinners, events with the kids..horseback riding etc. I work extra to be able to do that stuff with my family. I still pay for the family things....I haven't put out anymore money for us anymore. I am in taker mode and I can see that now.

What I take from this is....

His money is his money and my money is OUR money. We need and paid for new windows, but not before our gas bill was thru the roof. Instead of helping to pay off the installment plan we have left on the gas bill (to the tune of 1200.00) he is perfectly content to blow Bushs rebate on himself and what he wants instead of what we need.

Things are very irritable right now....neither one of us can say anything without getting defensive and pissed off. My kids start their three weeks with us today for the summer. Next weekend my ex is taking the kids so I have time to talk with them next weekend.

He did say, he realizes he is very selfish and has evaluated himself and sees things he asks of me that he won't do for me and that he saw 95% of stuff that he does as stuff he did not want to see or acknowledge. He doesn't like what he sees in his own personal evaluation of himself. He plans on talking with his therapist on this.

You should seriously consider whether, or not, your marriage is worth saving.... or not.....

It sounds to me like there is no benefit in keeping him at all...

he is only going to spend money on what he wants and refuses to provide any for his family....

He is a lousy liar, drunk, and philanderer. Not at all what you describe here:


So, which is he?

You have really challenged my brain, Tfkeel....for that, I thank you.

It looks like he is both people.

He is what I said in the quote, when things go his way apparently. When he has to provide for my needs or chip in and pull the yoke with me, it seems, he is not the same person.

Yes. This is exactly my point. He is a child. And needs to become a MAN. Instead of throwing a tantrum on the floor, he is running off to his booze and his watering hole....

So part of "setting the bar" should mean that there is HEART CHANGE..... you have to SEE RESULTS.

You should, in my mind, express to him that going to counseling is fine, but basically, you don't care.... whether he goes to a counselor, pastor, doctor, shrink, or the Maharini of Gorotizglazh...... what you want to see is RESULTS and then describe what BEHAVIOUR you expect and what RESPONSES to your life's needs he should have.

I would tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you do not want a lying, selfish, sniveling child for a husband. That you only want, and deserve, a sacrificing, benevolent, loving, and caring MAN for your husband, and that you are not going to accept ANYTHING LESS.

Tell him to come back in a year. And if you are still available then, and he HAS CHANGED, you will be ready THEN to discuss putting your marriage back together.

It will begin with a renewal of your marital vows in front of witnesses who KNOW about his adultery.

See, BullyMom, adultery occurs for one basic reason.... because the adulterer DOES NOT RESPECT his spouse or his spouse's feelings.

BullyMom,

Your explanation of your name made me think of 2 pitbull dogs I used to own. Their names were Rocky & Bully.

I think I hear alot of the same things in you that I have gone through with frustration and resentment. It served me well to go back to basics and read Dr. Harley's articles on recovering from affairs on this site.

One night I came across some information that really hit me about how my resentments were ruining my M and how my obsession (not saying you are doing this one) was ruining my M. I didn't want to read that, didn't want to hear about MY PART.

But it assisted in shifting my energy off of WH long enough to realize that I really do play a part in the success of this M. I'm not taking blame for his CHOICE to have an A, but if I want any sort of "happy ever after", I have to get off the pot and look at myself.

I had become very cynical and even started using DJ against myself because how could I be with someone that treated me this way.

IMHO after reading your posts, you really need an action plan on taking care of yourself. Have you visited the Goddess thread? You have SOOO much on your plate and days off are few and far between.

Let go of the feelings/thoughts about the A long enough to do something nice for yourself.

Isn't this the truth... I have always put everyone else before ME. It hurts to know that I wasn't given the same back.

I have no doubt that my own resentments do not add to the love bank. It is a vicious circle.

Would I be so resentful if we were meeting or at least trying to meet each others needs? Probably not. But I quit trying long ago, I admit that. All it did was open the door for us to go our separate ways.

MUCH of the information I read here, including EN's and the like are things that I have said I needed or WE needed all along. He acknowledges that as well.

Where is that Goddess thread, darlin'? I need to read it!