Places WW went with OM...bars, restaurants, a certain resort town that I asked her to go to with me (but she went there with him instead, the night I caught them), etc...

I get pretty emotional when I think of some of these places that I used to go to, and now feel like I'll be avoiding them for the rest of my life (like the plague). I have heard that "reclaiming" these places is good for BS's healing. Has anyone ever tried to reclaim certain places, items, etc... and how did you do it? How can I do it?

This is your 13th thread.

Would you please try to stick to one so all your history is in one place?

In my situation, they only met for about 5 days. I told her I would not sleep in the same bed the PA happened in so now instead of a $1000 pillow top sleigh bed, we sleep on a $400 dollar platform bed in an apartment 40 miles from the place I used to call home. I think you and I share many of the same hang ups about the A. For me doing things with her that we used to do has been helpful though I do not know what they did together while OM was here. I think what we (you and I) are trying to do is make things ours again. To answer your question, I think you just have to do it. I know it seems like the hardest thing in the world to go somewhere and get the image of her and the OM doing that too. Especially when you consider that when they did it there was probably no negative feeling between them and when you go to do it in his place it feels like there is all this tension. But you have to remember, you are not the one out of place, POS OM was out of place.

What is up with certain members here? This is a completely new topic, and I'm sure other members would like to contribute with positive information regarding the topic. Why not just let them contribute? One of the problems with this forum is that there is some sort of "unwritten rule" that members have to post in "their one thread" all of the time. Why? What is the purpose of burrying an important topic of discussion into page 12 of a thread that hasn't gotten a hit in 5 days? It's counter-productive and makes no sense. IMO.

You can do whatever you want, sometimes it is better to open a new thread. The down side to that is that the readers dont know your main story so then they have to hunt and hunt down several threads to get at the story in order to respond to you properly.

It is for the readers benefit to have to go to only one thread, instead of many. Some when they open a new thread, link people to thier other threads in the first paragraph. That works pretty well..... Its all good!

Triggers are going to be there. It is an unfortunate side-effect, if you will, for the damage that is done.

For me I tackle different triggers differently. Sometimes "claiming" works sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, standing my ground and never facing that trigger again works.

For example, my WS moved out when I first discovered the A (for a summary, I was told it was only a EA and was told a great amount of lies for nearly 4 1/2 months before I found out the truth....also, the BOW in my sitch lives in another state.). I never went to his place almost up until I finally discovered the truth. After I CDay, I REFUSED to go there. Then one night my WS got sick and needed me. I went back and forth on this issue for an hour. On one hand, I swore I would never go back, on the other, my WS NEEDED me, and since I had just BARELY gotten her out of lives I wasn't sure what to do. Anyway, I went, confronted my "triggers" if you will, took care of WS and haven't regretted that decision. I still go there (he is coming home now...) BUT I REFUSE to step foot in the bedroom.

You have to keep trying, its all you can do, because the alternative is to keep wallowing in those thoughts, and that brings you nothing but PAIN AND RESENTMENT.

And I have to say, once you begin R and work on the marriage, the triggers do get less and less as do thoughts of the A.

not2fun

ps....sometimes when you get those thoughts of the A, banging your head against the wall helps...

Introvert,

In all reality, it is not a new topic. It is something YOU have to deal with and your sitch. Its not that people are "against" ones who start a new topic, but HTM said it best. You are advised by the VETS not to do it so that all the info. people need to help you is right there. If you have something really important, you do as HTM suggested (which I may steal one day...never thought of that one...) or you can email the MODS and have them change the title of your thread.

Also, this is something that has been discussed a million times on threads of their own. When you come across a problem you want to handle, the go in to the search mode, and it will bring up all kinds of threads for you. Or just search the old fashion way.

The biggest problem I see with your multiple threads, is that you keep starting them, replying to them, and next thing you know, YOU are taking up 5,6,8 spots on the first page that someelse could use. Also, all your "new" threads keep knocking others lower, and they may also need urgent help. Most VETS and people do not have hours to spend on here and stick to the first page unless they want to post to a certain person. Kind of a courtesy thing.

not2fun

ps....and your screen name DOES not live up to your thread OR your post count......

Search function does not work for me. I have tried a million times. I get this message........

Database error only visible to forum administrators


lol....you're right about my name though...got a laugh out of that one.

Intorvert, This really isnt about protocall. You can do what you want but your approaching this like your life right now is a series of 300 hundred word Cosmo articles where we are all invited to log on and take part in the "reader poll" at the end.

You can do this if you want but it is unlikely to save your marriage. People are telling you this because they want you to save your marriage.

then another good suggestion is to start a thread asking the VETS to bump up any threads relate to what you want to know......there a ton of good ones.....for example, your whole trigger thing AND SF is covered in a GREAT thread by KRAZY1....I'll try to find it and bump it for you.....

Introvert,

Back to your original question.....

I think the whole "reclaiming" thing depends on how important it is to you......

For example, your WS and OM may have dined at a place you love. Is this place "important" enough for you to "reclaim" and can you do what it takes to do that??? Meaning not get angry and LB your WW about it??? If not, then don't go there.

Is the bed you share together "important" enough to you, to not throw it away once you've learned they had sex there??? No of course not...(hey, my WS is not bringing "his" bed back with him......I don't care if it cost more or is WAY better than ours, it ain't happening....)

So, you have to take that into account as well.

Somethings you can't help and just have to find a method to reclaim them. Such as, your WW herself.

Sucks...I know, but if you want your M and WW it is what we BS have to sacrifice.....or just get the D....

not2fun

Cool thanks