I think that your dreams are COMPLETELY relevant to your situation. It is a way that your mind can try to organize the thoughts it has. I'm not a psychiatrist, but maybe you feel like you "get off the plane" every time you have to leave your WW to return to work and you are sick with panic trying to get back to her. Maybe you feel like your WW is calm because she is comfortable with what she is doing..."staying at the hotel" with her friend.

When I was in the VERY beginning, I dreamt that my WH admitted to me that our second child was not mine but actually belonged to OW. Obviously, this was impossible as I gave birth to him. But I think my mind was working out the details of what parts of my life were things that I still "owned" and what parts OW had "stolen" from me.

Give your dreams some credit. They can sometimes help you to review your thoughts in a metaphoric way.

I wanted to mention beauty as an EN. When you read His Needs, Her Needs you will see that it isn't shallow. I had always thought that my Hs need for an attractive W was his immaturity. I have learned that it meets an EMOTIONAL NEED for him and is no less important than MY need for affection or conversation. To qualify one emotional need as more appropriate than another is unfair. You are ENTITLED to YOUR ENs. Don't feel ashamed if one of them is an attractive spouse.

I HIGHLY recommend you take the EN Questionnaire. You might even be able to "guess" some of your WWs answers, but it will be enlightening to YOU to see what things are REALLY important for your emotional happiness.

AND HIRE THE PI!!! You need to KNOW. I spent two years not knowing and it was the most self-destructive two years of my entire life.

Dear SWW,

Wow! I am in awe of the great advice you are receiving here. How supportive of OnlyU, Marsh and HTM to share their hard-earned wisdom.

I also wanted to comment on physical attractiveness as an EN. As a woman, I've also always thought it was "shallow." I saw it as more of a "guy thing," that many men only cared about looks.

I've now learned that there are plenty of women that have that as a primary EN. It's really no surprise. We live in a society that places a great deal of importance on physical appearance, and a media that bombards with images that portray unrealistic standards of beauty.

I hope you fill out the ENQ soon. You will discover so much about yourself, your motivations, and your marriage, all of which will be enormously helpful. Information is power!

As I close, I will admit that I take pride in having a handsome husband. I wouldn't call it a primary EN, but it sometimes give me great satisfaction. Color me "shallow," too. ;-)

Stay strong, and keep posting!

Carlee

Dreams are a natural sign of your process.

Never think that you aren't posting something that is relevant. We are your support team. Everything is relevant.

I was thinking that maybe you could copy and past the EN questionnaire into a Word doc so that there was no sign of MB on it and test the waters with your WW next weekend and see if she wants to fill it out. As long as she seems to be staying on this path of cooking for the kids, staying in, etc., I think it would be a good thing to do with your Plan A. It shows that you are taking your R seriously and taking steps to improve it.

Thanks Carlee,

I sure am getting good advice, and I am taking it too! Taking the ENQ and sticking with the plan. PI but Plan A.

There are times when I wonder whether this is all worth it though. Called WW to wish her Happy Anniversary, even though I felt a little strange doing it, I thought about it and felt go ahead and call, even though she prob doesnt want to hear about it right now. I ended up leaving a message, told her she was special to me.

She responded with an email that her phone was off while being charged and would call back later. She has been calling me frequently however.

It must be nicer to call someone who listens to her for a change and doesn't take the bait to engage in a fight, or, oh yeah, she needs money too. Oh well...we do the best we can!

onlyUcan,

I am printing it out (ENQ) for her and taking it home. If she seems amenable I may give it to her ask her to fill it out. Might be too early though in her current mood...

Well,

got PI locked in for the weekend while I am providing "child care" for the kids, really biting my nails here, want to find out, but nervous.

You're moving back home this weekend, right?

In reality when your cell needs charging, you can plug it in and TALK ON IT while it is plugged in!

How stupid does she think you are!?

Does she think you "can't tell" that when you call and her cell rings, she is busy boinking some guy or out drinking at some bar and does not want to answer her phone????? GEEZE!

Good going, getting the PI. Now you will know. For sure.

Sure am Marsh,

My home, my castle. Got a lot planned with the kids too. Fun stuff, fishing, swimming, boating, golf etc. Gonna be fun.

Stellakat,

I know, I am nervously hoping that we hit paydirt this weekend. She'll be out a lot I am sure. Of course I left 350 bucks in the old joint checking acct for a few days to make sure nothing bounced, you guessed it, wiped out by WW. Oh well, it's the last time, acct now closed.

Good man, SWW!

Does she know you're moving home?

Marshmallow,

she sure does. Wasn't enthused or angry, just accepting. She'll be standoffish I am sure and maybe sleep on the couch, but in torture mode am sure she'll dress sexy as heck and go out till all hours.

Sheesh. You told her what you were doing; you told her the family was going on a budget. She reacts, she settles down a bit and then she wipes out the balance anyway.

WW behavior if ever there was such a thing, for sure.

You certainly do have your work cut out for you.

With prayers,

PS: I still think there is recreational drug use, too.

Aphelion,

On the drug thing (i'll prob show my naivete) what kind of drugs? I mean coca*ne she would be all wired, pot would be red-slit eyes, others would make her pupils dilate. I just don't know, but I really suspect you are right.

Wonder what kind it would be that would allow you to show little symptoms and come home and go to sleep?

As I am unfortunately learning from my DD, "meth" is one that they can still seem to be fully operating.

Many kinds. Prescription maybe. Red eye is not always true.

Do an isearch. Note that most sites are for identifying use in teens, though.

It’s the behavior and $ cues in your W's case. But I am no expert. Been through it with a couple of family members is all. They acted like your W seems to be acting in the early stages.

With prayers.

Aphelion,

I'll do the isearch. I will say if mw WW is doing crystal meth, all bets are off! Everything.

I am not going to jump to conclusions however. PI goes on duty this weekend, we'll wait and see. Oh yeah, that's tomorrow night.

Well,

I don't need the PI anymore! I have her old cellphone that she gave to me when she switched phones. I was in my room today and noticed that when i started typing something in it would not only fill out the word, but if i just pushed the forward key it would start filling in the whole sentence word by word.

I had always suspected she was infatuated with a guy named charlie. used to talk to my sister about him all the time about how cute and funny he was. I was always suspicious.

Well I called "our friend" Stephanie and she confirmed thatit wa weird that when she was out with my WW a few months ago she had two cell phones and a call was coming in she said from charlie. She asked howoften she talked to charlie and she said he was a friend and how funny he was.

Anyway, when i started typing instuff and noticed how it was filling in words and sentences, i found some stuff that was not smolong gun but incriminatory. So i thought what would a person say having an affair. I knew WW would never use a really crude word like pu**y so i started typing, "my crotch..."

it filled the sentence out word by word, one at a time:

"My crotch is sore clear up to my stomach. Strong effort Charlie!"

I leave for home tomorrow. Havent said a word except for here and steph and sister. Not sure if even confronting heris what to do. cant think. i knew, its just hard to know for sure. i don't know if i want to continue.

I'm so sorry SWW.

Why do things like this have to happen?

My prayers are with you.