I recently found out that my husband of 13 years has been on porn websites for most of our marriage. I am totally devastated that he could use our cam to take different poses of his PORK and post them onto one particular website in question, needless to say after he was caught, he deleted that profile.

After the first time I caught him about 6 years ago in an x rated chatroom, he cried as I threatened to divorce him. He promised he would NEVER do it again. I believed in him..I loved him. I gave him another chance.

Now, on Memorial Day I discovered this particular website and saw that he did "these" pictures!! I was disgusted to say the least. I also saw all the comments that all his female "friends" had left him. I am sickened to death that he could do this to ME behind my back for more than 3 years at THAT website. I asked him "WHY"?? All he could say was " I didnt know I was gonna do it again"

What kind of an answer is that?!?!

I also found an email. He has been back and forth sharing pics and WHATNOTS to some female!

Upon looking further, he also had a profile up in another website. He was looking for sex with man/woman or woman/woman..in a group 3 or more or 1 on 1
must be discreet, no commitment involved and live within 40 miles of (town)


He was actively looking but swears he never met up with anyone but how the heck do I believe that when hes put his PORK N BEANS on a sex website??

I believe he has been doing all of this behind my back for years!! He says he sorry, he made a MISTAKE!! Yeah Right! For years!!

I kicked his @ss out on May 26th!!

We have no children together but I have 2 grown daughters from another marriage, which the youngest called him "dad" since she was 7. They both saw his pictures and hate him for hurting me like this.
What do I do now??
I am so sad and humiliated.

How could anyone post there "stuff" out there?? and WHY?

Hello, I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain and I completely understand the feelings that you are having right now...

I can't say what to do about the sitch that you are in but I can tell you that it's an addiction just like drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc...

When your H said that he was not going to do it again, he meant that and all of the things that he said to you the first time that you caught him he very well meant at the time...HOWEVER, the addiction is SO STRONG that it pulled him back in...just like the gambler can not control the urge to want to gamble, or the smoker from wanting that next cigarette, or the addict/alcoholic from getting their next fix...

It's real and it's hard to understand, I fought porn in my marriage for years...the hurt and pain that you feel is validate! Perhaps you can ask your H to get help for his addiction with IC and you can begin MC together...

Some addicts feel very guilty about their addictions, ashamed of what they feel that they had to do...it's a moth to a flame...

This may not be the end of your discovery sad to say...and once again, I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with this...you are not alone...

Sorry to hear you're going through that. You are right to kick him out. It's a good move to protect your daughters.

He needs help and needs to figure out why he would resort to such things while married (or even single for that matter).

Where do you guys stand right now?

you kicked him out may 26

you have no children with him and no small children in the home...

what is it you want from marriagebuilders...

and I mean that kindly...

do you want to proceed with seperation/divorce
or do you want to rebuild...

it's your choice...

either decision I suggest you move through it with grace...
and hold your disgust and anger and in check...
cause those things are what he expects and will just solidify feelings of unworthyness.....and cause him to avoid...defend...or wallow in his shame.....and say stupid things like

see i am such a bad person I might as well do these things...


I'm just saying whatever you decide don't waste YOUR time and energy belittling and spewing anger...

that's what he expects...
I would be more in the that's a pretty sad and pitiful thing to do....


I personally don't buy for a second that it's an addiction
it's a choice....
and each step of those ridiculous sites just slide you closer and closer to ridiculousness...

what are his plans to do about it in his life..

continue to share and view pictures of peoples privates...(PATHETIC)
or is he willing to 100000000000000000000000 percent cut all time on the computer...

write letters of apologizing to all the people to whom he exposed himself....

attending every mans battle to do the accountability workshops..

how much contact are you in with him/'

why are you in contact
and what is bases of most talks you are having...

what do you want to do....

don't be humiliated over his very very poor and silly choices...

they are his to own...

and not any reflection on you except that you are to smart to do anything so silly

also how did your daughters find out and see them...
that seems a little strange in the sense if they were his biological daughters would they have viewed their own dads private parts....or it is because they aren't related they remain seperated from him being a real relationship in their lives.....

it seems if they were his children they wouldn't be so involved in details..

welcome to marriagebuilders...

ark

We have Windows XP and 2 computers. The other computer is shared by my 2 daughters and hubby. They all have there separate account. I share my computer with youngest daughter if need be(also has an acct on mine)

My future son-in-law sometimes logs on into my oldest daughters acct to access his banking and do his thing. He usually just goes there thru the 'history' you know the little arrow that drops the history thingy that shows the sites where ya been?

My son-in-law was here a few weeks ago and was doing some banking in daughters acct. When he dropped the history thingy down, he noticed 'FUBAR' ... thinking it was some kind of a game site, he clicked on it and up comes a profile of MY HUSBAND!!!

He looked over the site and it appeared to be something like MySpace but could be more X rated. It was like a pick up bar kind of thing. There were comments left by many ladies (the sexual kind)
There was a link that was blocked, 'friends' only could view them.

He told my daughter about the site and showed her. They didnt know how to tell me but knew they had too.

My youngest daughter was to spend the night with them and they showed her the site. They were trying to decide how to tell me without hurting me.

The next day I went over.

We were all in the kitchen when my oldest daughter told me. We looked at the site. I wanted to KNOW what was hidden in that link!!

I asked my oldest daughter if she would make up a profile and "become" a friend. She complied.
She had the profile completed by 9 pm. I went home and youngest daughter stayed.

The next morning I get a phone call. She had 'befriended' my husband. (that didnt take long!)

She had clicked on that link with my youngest daughter and son-in-law looking on and up POPS
10 different poses of

HIS FRIGGIN PORK N BEANS

He had been using the CAM on HIMSELF

you cannot imagine the shock and disbelief of HIS step daughters and son-in-law seeing these pictures!! They were expecting something else, NOT nude pics~!

Why did he go in under my daughters acct? He must of thought he wouldnt get caught? But he he forgot to erase the "history".





My daughters are 30 and 22

So_disgusted,

You can be nearly certain that he's cheated/is cheating on you in real life as well. Anyone who's willing to post their junk on the internet (especially a male), isn't going to be satisfied with posting their junk on the internet. Know what I mean?

When I found out that my FWW had used the internet to contact OM, even though it wasn't her usual method of contact, I banned the interent from my home.

Sure, it can be inconvenient and the internet can be accessed from other places besides my house, but I'll be damned if I'm going to make it that easy, and pay for it to boot. I lived without it until the late 1990s, and I can continue to do so indefinitely. I post here from work sometimes, and that's it. AT LEAST install a keylogger on his machine, and carefully examine his cellphone records...his calls and his texts.

Don't let any amount of anger, threats, begging, or tears convince you that he's not cheating until you've verified that ON YOUR OWN.

Keep in mind that the more anger, threats, begging, or tears there are, the more likely it is that he's guilty.

I saw an episode on Dr. Phil where the husband had posted nude pictures of his wife on a particular site. The site was for men who wanted to "share" their wives with other men.

These men had to post photos that their wives knew nothing about...because they wanted to show "respect" for their wives, dont cha know. It was convoluted at best.

She sensed something was wrong when she would "hear" a camera click at odd times. He was using the camera on his phone. She would be in the shower and he would sneak a photo. She couldn't really be sure what she had heard with the water running. He would catch her sleeping and take photos of certain parts of her body. She would think she was dreaming it.

She started looking on the computer one day...did a history search...and there she was.

It was some kind of sick exclusive club.



Did you show them his pictures??

committed

she posted just before you did


her adult kids saw the site before she did

WoW

this is a first on MB, I think

Pep

Well, I've only spoken to him once about the bills and thats it. I ended up hanging up on him, I just couldn't bring myself to
converse with him.
I do remember him saying when he was leaving

"when all this boils over and everyone cools off maybe we can start all over slowly with dating and maybe get our marriage back together?"

He doesn't think he has a problem. His whole family thinks that way also. What he did was acceptable in their eyes. They think I'm making a big stink out of this and feel I should bring him back, that its MY fault he turned to the computer years ago. How sadly mistaken on their part.

I don't know if I can start over again with him. Thats why I am here, to get some guidance?

Their view is disgusting. You are not in the wrong.

Pep

I'm with ark on this one...

What's the purpose of this thread? What do you want 2 do?

-ol' 2long

I understand why you are here.

You have a long history.
You are facing a 2 choice dilemma.
neither choice is to your liking.

You have made a short term choice - and you are second guessing yourself.

I think your marriage could be recovered.
But not with your WH "as is" - he still has a mind set that gives him permission to do such disgusting things - as well as a family that is cheering him on for displaying his PORK and BEANS to strangers.

Pep

Oops...I see that now.

Thanks

committed

Maybe her marriage "could" be recovered. That's entirely different from thinking it "should" be. What is there here to save? I don't think that anything is recoverable unless he gets serious, in-depth help on his own (Pork Flaunters Anonymous?). Not because she told him to. Not because anybody's nagging him to change. Not because he thinks she'll come back to him if he goes through the motions. He does it. He wants to change. He is the motivating force behind all his actions in seeking help.

Anything less only means that he's Proverbs 26:11, waiting to happen, and at some point, he will. How many times does his wife want to be humiliated and betrayed? I guess only she knows.

my reason for asking what you want.... is to know how to reply to you...

i could go on and on and on about rebuilding steps....but there's no point if that's not what you want...

or

I could go on and on and on about divorcing him with your dignity intact...but there's no point if that's what you want.,..

if you are undecided....

here's some things I would ask you...

in your marriage has your husband portrayed aspects of intimacy with you that make you believe that he is capable of understanding the true gift from God that intimacy really is...

has your intimate life been one of respect and fullfullment for both you and he...

does he seperate himself in front of you from being the type of person who can engage in such internet things....or is he crass and selfish with you as well

does he defend his actions by seperating them from you and any impact between your and his relationship.

does he practice any religious beliefs that teach a much greater respect for his and others bodies...

does he see the need to apologize for abusing the 'children's computers....

does he show any insight at all...
what is his reaction to any of this
ARK

OK

Here is my suggestion.

I would keep WH out of the house (for his own protection) until he has demonstrated a significant change in his core beliefs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His CORE BELIEFS currently permit random salacious nudity with strangers.

And, I am sorry to add - if his core beliefs permit this - there is likely MORE he's done that you have no knowledge about.

Here's what I would do - give your husband the phone number for counseling with the Harleys - leave the rest to your husband.

ONLY consider reconciliation when your husband has arranged a phone counseling appointment for you to discuss your husband's progress with the Harleys.

Do you get what I am saying.
You don't poke around and ask questions.

This is entirely up to your husband to fix.
You consider a possible reconciliation AFTER you discuss what progress your H has made with the Harleys.

Your situation requires extraordinary precautions.
If, in the Harley's opinion, your husband is making good progress - a final requirement should be your husband willingly and gladly and gratefully taking a lie detector test - arranged to suit you.

He has to earn back the privlidge of being married to you.


Set the bar very very very HIGH !

Pep

If he never calls the Harley counseling number - you have your answer.


And, call a lawyer today.
Review your options. You may need some paperwork to legally keep him out of the house.
Pep

I would suggest

the

Every Man's battle program by newlife live...which is very pro marriage builders...

gives copies of surviving an affair to callers
and promotes this site and dr harley's program all the time...

(though I don't believe that porn is EVERY man's battle....)

for those that is is a battle it appears to be very good...

and one of its biggest keys is small groups and accountability partners...


one of their mottos is you become a man by interacting with men...

I agree with pep...no re-entry home....at this time...

ark

It will be very difficult for him to be accountable when his family is telling him that it's ok to do.

Addiction takes a lifetime of work and recovery.

You were right in kicking him out, especially with daughters in your home.

Go into the a Plan of Self Care and Protection and let that man work out his problems on his own.

If by the grace of God one day he is a changed man, you will be a stronger woman by caring for yourself and know whether it is right for you to be back with him or not.

NONE of this is your responsibility to fix!

Take a look at this list of Love Busters from the Harley basic concepts:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love Busters

The love you and your spouse have for each other is directly affected by almost all of your behavior. This is a point that I will repeat in most of my remaining concepts and Q&A columns. Until now, I have focused attention on behavior that will meet each other's most important emotional needs. When you behave that way, you are caring for each other. But the resulting Love Bank deposits will not do your marriage much good if other behavior leads to Love Bank withdrawals. So to help you gain control over your behavior so that you can learn to avoid making Love Bank withdrawals, I will introduce you to my next basic concept, Love Busters.

Why would any of us hurt the one we promised to love and cherish?

Lack of empathy is at the core of the problem. I was struck with what we are all up against while watching a Star Trek episode. Spock had volunteered to be possessed by an alien presence so that it could communicate with Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.

As soon as it entered Spock's body, its first reaction was, "Oh, how lonely you must all feel."

You see, in the alien world, they were all connected to each other through telepathy so that each one could feel what everyone else felt. They were all emotionally bonded to each other. But as soon as the alien possessed Spock's body, it realized that we humans are all cut off from each other emotionally. And it viewed our state as incredibly isolated and lonely.

One of the most important consequences of our emotional isolation is that we cannot feel the way we affect others. And that creates the temptation to hurt others because in doing so we don't feel the pain we cause. If we were connected emotionally to others as the aliens were, we would be far less tempted to do anything thoughtless, gaining at someone else's expense. That's because in so doing, we would be hurting ourselves as well.

And that's what I always seem to be battling when I try to encourage one spouse to avoid doing anything that would hurt the other spouse. I cannot seem to trigger empathy. Each spouse complains about how thoughtless the other spouse is, without much awareness of his or her own thoughtlessness.

Lack of empathy helps makes thoughtlessness possible. Since we don't feel what other's feel, we tend to minimize the negative effects we have on others, and consider our thoughtlessness to be benign. An angry outburst is regarded by some as a creative expression. Disrespect is viewed as helping the other spouse gain proper perspective. And a demand is nothing more than encouraging a spouse to do what he or she should have done all along. None of these is seen as one spouse gaining at the other's expense, because the spouse who is inflicting the pain does not feel the pain. But whenever one spouse is the cause of the other's unhappiness, one thing's for sure -- Love Bank withdrawals are taking place.

I call all the ways that spouses are inconsiderate of each other's feelings Love Busters because that what they do -- they destroy the love that a husband and wife have for each other.

I've found that the most common Love Busters in marriage fall into six categories: Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Annoying Habits, Independent Behavior and Dishonesty

The first three of these Love Busters are instinctive, yet thoughtless, ways to try to get what you want from each other. When a request doesn't work, a spouse will often revert to a demand ("I don't care how you feel -- do it or else!"). If that doesn't get the job done, a spouse will try disrespectful judgments ("If you had any sense, and were not so lazy and selfish, you would do it"). And then, when all of that fails, an angry outburst often represents the last ditch effort ("I'll see to it that you regret not having done it").

Of course, demands, disrespect and anger don't really get the job done. You generally don't do things for your spouse because of these Love Busters, you do them out of care and consideration. If your spouse is demanding, disrespectful and angry, you tend to be less caring and considerate, leading you to do less for your spouse. Instead of giving your spouse what he or she needs, demands, disrespect and anger cause you to resist. I want you to have what you need in your marriage, but demands, disrespect and anger will not get it for you. They will prevent you from having what you want if you revert to these destructive instincts.

But when you indulge in these three Love Busters, you do more than fail to get what you need -- you also destroy the love your spouse has for you. All of these instincts, and the habits they help create, cause your spouse to be unhappy, and that causes Love Bank withdrawals.

The fourth Love Buster, Annoying Habits, is behavior that is repeated without much thought that bothers your spouse. Marriage is a partnership of incredibly close quarters, where just about anything you or your spouse does is almost sure to affect the other. If you want to stay in love with each other, your habits, even the innocent ones, should make Love Bank deposits, not withdrawals.

The fifth Love Buster is Independent Behavior, the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interests of the other spouse. If your decisions are made as if your spouse doesn't even exist, you will find yourself running roughshod over your spouse's feelings and your Love Bank account. Since it's usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, the simplest way to overcome it is to take it off your schedule. And if you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, Independent Behavior will never find itself on your schedule in the first place.

Finally, the sixth Love Buster, Dishonesty, causes massive Love Bank withdrawals whenever it's discovered. And spouses usually discover each other's dishonesty because of their emotional closeness to each other. If you or your spouse have a tendency to lie or distort the truth, chase that bad habit out of your marriage before it ruins everything.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is why we love the Harley concepts so much - If your husband does call the Harley's - he will be learning how to behave in ways that will make it more likely for you to fall in love with him again.

You may have a small amount of love remaining for your husband - but it is still spinning the drain and time is running out.

Pep