My W and I have begun to talk very frankley about what is going on now, with snippets of the past. No, I am not GETTING total honesty from her, but I'm giving it. I can now sit and listen as a friend about her various dates without losing it and actually be rational. I am beginning to amaze myself. Do I really love her enough to handle it, or don't I care anymore -so it doesn't hurt? What do you think?<P>Eric32

Hey Eric,<P>Well... it's a beginning. I believe in TOTAL honesty. I hope your W gets her head on straight and realizes the same. It truly is the beginning (in MHO)of the healing process.<P>Don't fool yourself though - it's gonna hurt like hell anyway! <P>But your honesty is a GREAT BEGINNING!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

My wife was telling me something about her<BR>other friend being "sincere" and I was able to admit from his perspective he probably is. <BR>I had the same thought as you. Have I been hurt so much that I can't be hurt more? This is similar to the feeling that you don't care anymore. I assure you you probably care very much.<P>Have you seen the book "Straight talk about betrayal?" It predicts that eventually the betrayed spouse reaches a point where he/she can talk about the affair with "less intensity." I don't think that's a sign of not caring.

My w was talking also about her relationship. Almost like I was a friend instead of her husband.<P>I asked her to stop as this is too painful to listen to. Even my counselor said I should have some bounderies here.<P>While its nice they can talk to us as friends, I don't think we deserve anymore pain. Those kind of talks about om I think should be between your spouse and her counselor or best female friend. I don't see the benefit in knonwing how much fun they had or the things they shared.<P>I want to key in on us and the future, nont on them and the past.

Eric32 - I don't think you're ever hurt so much that you can't be hurt anymore. I don't see how you sit and listen, either. But I'm glad at least that you're being completely honest with her and that's she's starting to be honest with you.<P>IMHO, that's the only way to build a real relationship.<P>Lori

I know this thread is not exactly on the point of honesty as it relates to disclosure of the affair but in my screwed up head today that is what came to mind. Today I have a different take on this total honesty stuff. When my husband first disclosed his affair it had just ended and he had started divorce proceedings. I saw his disclosure then as his way of saying he wanted to try to work on our marriage and to do so there should be no secrets. I so desperately did not want to lose my husband that I saw it that way. Eight months later I still have so much pain, anger and rage at the ow that I now view his disclosure as a selfish, cruel, self centered act intended only to help relieve him of his guilt and shame. He felt so much better getting it off his chest. In doing so he thought nothing of my feelings or the long term consequences for me. Thank god he spares me the details for now at least. I don't know how you guys can bear to hear it. Anyway, that's how I feel about "total honesty" today.

Wow,<BR>This is a tough one.<BR>I listened to everything and yes it hurt like hell, and yes sometimes I lost it and love busted big time, screaming, crying, cussing, throwing things. But afterwords, there was no doubt in his mind that the "story" was a very painful experience for me to hear. Most of the time, however, when he would answer my questions, or volunteer information, we would be in bed, late at night, holding each other as we talked. I held him, feeling sorry he could not have it both ways, and knowing that he realized it. He held me, knowing that it hurt me to "be his best friend" and listen. I had promised him unconditional acceptance and forgiveness and if part of his healing and giving up of his relationship with the OW was to try to make me see what had happened from his perspective, then that was where I tried to keep the focus of my listening. Again, there were definite times I lost it tho.<P>I don't know how I will feel in the future about all he felt compelled to tell me. I do know that much of it still hurts to recall, leaving me fearful that if I make the least little mistake he may abandon me again. I really don't know where his priorities lie, but do know the OW is out of the picture totally (for now). Wonder what the rate of return is after 6 months, a year, two?<BR> But I also know that my listening to him and really hearing his pain, sadness etc, made him realize that I am not just anybody. I am someone special for him. I am there for him, through thick and thin and I will not abandon him. He was going on about how his thinking about our situation had changed significantly in the past several months last nite on icq and I asked him to what he attributed the changes. His answer..."You. I really believe you care."<P>Nuff said.

Eric, I have to believe that the understanding comes from love, not from numbness. As PW said so very well, when we are so special and when we are the best friend, we need to be prepared for the honesty.<BR>I truly thought my h was too honest when all this affair nonsense came to light. But he talked to me openly and honestly, he shared his feelings in an attempt to help me understand. He attempted to help me understand the way he saw the sex. I do not feel that I really understand, but I heard the words and know how he felt. That is important for the healing.<BR>Shifted the focus from the 'event' to the healing in my case. Sometimes I thought it was so hard to listen. I cannot even remember if I lost it and lovebusted or what because the pain was so great! Memories are interesting things aren't they?<BR>(((hugs)))