Hi Folks,

I have been reading this site and found alot of sensible folks giving good, caring advice.

My problem is this: Four and a half years ago out of the blue, H confessed to me that he had had an A but that it was long over, however the OW kept calling and threatening him that she would tell me. So he told me first. He broke down and begged forgiveness and that he would do anything to stay with me. He promised to have no further contact. I believe that he didnt contact her again. She came to his place of work and he confessed to his boss and boss told her to leave premises.

We worked on our relationship and things between us were great.

We have always enjoyed sharing a drink and cheese and olives together when he arrives home from work each day, and have always chatted about each others daily activities. We have two children and our family without fail has always sat together at the table to share our evening meal.

H's job has always required him to travel away from home, approx. 3 days per fortnight and many late night conference calls which he made from home. Many, many times his travelling has consumed weekends, as well as school holidays. Therefore in many ways I have been like a single parent, but it was something that we discussed and recognised as a necessary evil. We talked about the dangers of an A and he told me how sometimes other women would try to chat him up when he was out at business dinners etc. We giggled about it together and both agreed that to cheat on ones spouse is a sin as well as cruel. I trusted him absolutely. We have enjoyed family holidays and outings as well as just the two of us going out to a restaurant occaisionally, we visit friends together and they visit us.

Well I thought we had overcome a major difficulty in our marriage but four months ago he left his computer on and I used it to check my own email and found emails between him and another OW. I snooped thru the computer and found that this Cyber A had been going on for eight years. I did not find his emails to her only hers to him and they included love songs, love poems, porn clips and conversations where she said "great to talk with you this morning on chat room, phone me after work tonight and we can talk some more.

I confronted H and he said that he had done nothing wrong, that he had never even touched her or met her. I explained that a secret friend is wrong and the emotional investment is wrong. He promised that it was over and said that she was now engaged to someone. I believed him again and although I have felt hurt and angry, I resolved to work at putting it behind us.
He begged me to forgive him and promised to do whatever it takes to stay together. Again I believed him.

Here comes the real crunch, last week I discovered he is having another affair with another OW. I caught him talking to her on his cell phone. I got the phone off him and phoned her and told her to get lost and gave her a real nasty piece of my mind. H and I had a big argument. He claims it has only be going on for two months. But when I look back I feel it has been going on for at least twelve months. Again all the begging and sorries. I feel that he is still seeing her and am snooping to try and find out. He says she ended it cos of my phone call to her.

He also has a drinking problem nowadays and I would have to label him as an alcoholic. He says that he wants to seeks help for this too.

What to do folks? I feel like a fool and although I am a christian and feel that I should do Plan A and B stuff I just dont have it in me to try anymore as I think he has some sort of sexual addiction problem and I am hurting too much. Any advice would be appreciated.

Sexual addiction and alcoholism typically have the same emotional roots - fear of feeling, fear of intimacy - of being too close to someone or being vulnerable. Addiction is a way of coping with feelings they don't want to feel - pushing them down into a dark corner.

While you seem to have a close relationship, how has he really been?

I suggest you go to Alanon so that you can learn how to deal with his alcoholism. The MB program won't work with an alcoholic.

And if you think about taking him back, I would insist that he go to AA.

my 1st reaction is to say ask him to pack his bags and get out. 1 biten thrice (is that a word) shy.

yes he has several addictions and needs help. but he has no fear of losing you and until he does his habits of marital destruction will just keep repeating themselves.

and he obviously has no respect for you.

Your husband has a secret second life, which is facilitated by his traveling job. As long as he has a traveling job, he will be vulnerable to an affair.

Add to that, he is an alcoholic, which makes marital recovery impossible. Plan A is NOT recommended with an alcoholic because it is impossible to meet his needs. He will only use it as an opportunity to exploit you.

If I were in your shoes, I would go to Alanon and take a very serious look at Plan B, which is separation. Your H will drive you nuts with his abusive behavior. And that will happen much faster with an alcoholic because they have virtually no empathy, and a whole lot of entitlement.

I bet most of this was affair travel.

Kayla/andy, its so hard to describe. Sometmes, hes realy nice and sometimes he is rude and chauvanistic towards me. I feel like I am dealing with the "little girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead" When she was good she was good and when she was bad she was bad. Now I have been reading on this site, perhaps his moods were withdrawal symptoms cos he wasnt able to see OW.

I should also tell you all that our eldest son died of cancer three years ago, so we had three years of illness and three years of grieving. I have to say and proudly, that we have managed very well. His behaviour towards me during our sons illness was extremely supportive. I didnt even suspect an sffair. If his affairs had started after the death of our son I would attribute grief as the reason for his stupidity. But as two of them had been started years prior to our son even being ill I know that grief isnt the reason.

For the past twelve months his job has been in a very remote area and so he lives in a small town during the week and comes home on weekends. But on many weekends he said he had to work and I know for a fact that the factory was running 24/7, but whether he had to work for sure, I dont know.

Over Christmas when he was at home with our family for a whole week he was absolutely rude and horrible towards me. No gift and verbal putdowns. And now he is charming again. I dont know if I an up or down. Is this what they call "gaslighting"?

Where can I get information on sex addiction or what causes multiple affairs?

Hi Believer, Yes I agree about AA and Alanon. After I discovered this latest A he has said that he will get counselling and says that he is sick in the head. One can see if a person is taking a drink but I cant see if he is having an A. And I dont want to have sex with him in case of STD's. I know I sound confused and I feel that I'm not expressing myself very well here.

Hi Pops,

Yes I feel like telling him to get out, but as I said, he apologizes and I witness him saying its over to OW on the phone or by deleting the computer stuff and then he starts another A.

He does have a fear of losing me, thats why he is being so sneaky, but it seems he just has to keep doing it. So I feel that even if we do AA and MB he might still deceive me. I dont feel that I can ever trust him again.

My christian girlfriends who are all in healthy marriages, tell me that I should chuck him out too.

I feel guilty for even considering ending our marriage, but on the other hand I can imagine the relief I would feel at not having to try to second guess everything he says.

You are very new in this and it is a horrible shock.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son. That is very hard on a marriage and family.

However, it doesn't sound like hubby is managing well. It sounds like he is drinking, and carrying on a secret life. Maybe that is how he manages stress.

Be sure to go to Alanon right away so you can get some support.

Melody suggests Plan B, and she is the expert, so that is what I would do.

He is going to have to get a job where he is home and can't have a secret life. And he will need to address his drinking.

Hi melondylane,

Yes I agree with the secret life stuff. He has a senior management position and with jobs at this level travel is necessary ie. to visit head office or suppliers.

Ireckon you are right about that, but lucky for him he had to travel out of state to head office, so thats where OW was. Very convenient for him eh? Oops, I'm editing again, sorry, Im not computer savvy. Yes, youre right about the trevel coinciding with seeing the OW.

And that is a problem that is destroying your marriage. As long as he places his career ahead of his marriage, the marriage will suffer. The conditions that made the affair possible have to change if you want this to change. Traveling jobs, as you have discovered, are an INVITATION to affairs.

Janey,

Please listen to Believer and Melody. I was a victim of a travelling WH. He refused to quit the job. I now know it was because it enabled the A. I found that mine passed himself off as divorced and was actually living with the OW. When he did come home, she thought that he was travelling. Totally secret second life. Mine did the same thing that yours is doing - begging for forgiveness, etc. Said all of the right things. BUT, they NEED someone at home to take care of all of the other aspects of their lives - the house, kids, admin kind of stuff etc. If he wants to save your M, he WILL quit the job and stay home with you.

Melody, I'm worried that even if he changes jobs, he might still keep having yet more affairs. He has applied for a new job in our home town.

He has been out of work since March, but still having to go for job interviews in industrial area in remote town where he had previous job. Today he went away for an interview and had to stay overnight, but I phoned the compan ies head office and they said that particular factory was closed today! He is not answering his cellphone tonight! So that little piece of detective work tells me that he is with OW and the affair has not ended! The lies never stop. But they are so skillful that I get sucked in every time and its left me feeling so confused that I feel I am being paranoid. I really feel like a crazy lady snooping around all the time.

Would it be worth my while to follow him to this place and confront him with OW?

Janey, you have the proof with the factory closed and him "having" to spend the night. I would suggest you consider packing his bags and leaving a plan B letter with his stuff. Do as Mel says and get yourself to Alanon.

Yes ChaiLover, he really does want to have his cake and eat it too. I realise that he needs me for the housework and childcare stuff and that he is using me, but it gets so confusing when he says all the right things and then goes off the rails again. I get sucked in every time

Having him attend AA and me doing Plan B sounds like the only possible option right now. Definitely the AA. I will have to read up on Plan B stuff.

He has done this for so long, he has perfected it, like an art!

And the addiction is much stronger than his desire to change right now. And because you have "trained" him by allowing his manipulations to work, he knows exactly what to say to you.

This is not your fault. However, it is time for you to take action now and take a stand for your life. It's going to take something extreme to wake him up. I would suggest that part of your boundaries and protection before you allow him back are that he is in intense therapy for a long-term. If he can carry on an EA for 12 months and 8 years then he can be in therapy for several months/years.

janey, he lied to you 3 times for the same offense. he is either an addict or just a serial cheater.

one way or another he is NOT afraid of losing you. he thinks he has you exactly where he wants you. do as HE darn well pleases and then beg your forgiveness and (FALSELY) promise to never do it again.

and he knows you are the giver in your relationship so he knows you will take him back.

you need to set a NEW TONE in your marriage. and that is that you HAVE a boundary. he crossed it and he is out.

if he had done this once, i say absolutely give him a chance. twice, aaahhhhh ok let's work a little harder but i will be watching you all the time. but darlin 3 strikes he's OUT.

Janey, I would follow him to where he is and confront him with the OW. It is so obvious to me that he is not job seeking but carrying on an affair.

If it were me, I would only focus on getting him out for now and starting a separation. Once you get him out, and get your finances protected, then you can make plans for your Plan B.